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Comment by ulua on February 12, 2018 at 2:39pm

Helopilot mom, I think you meant your message for Helenp.

luckily, we have a great relationship with our DILs. I did experience the boundary push-back pressure in my relationship with my DIL  after they married. I was the one that needed to change, as you say, ‘lower my expectations.’

My message to Helenp is to tell her son and new DIL she respects their decision regarding visitors Pre-  AND post-deployment. I would text that message directly to the DIL. Helenp started out well with her DIL, maybe the new couple just need some privacy right now. 

it sounds like you, helopilotmom took a different path, you learned not to ask and planned your visits directly. That works for you. Every mom is on their own journey.

Helopilotmom, your experience is heart-breaking, Thankyou for writing about it. Don’t  give up hope for your ‘future’ as a connected family.

Comment by HeloPilotMom on February 12, 2018 at 1:13pm

Ulua,

This part of my comment got cut off:

We are their past- she is his future. You’ve done nothing wrong except bring him up right and teach him right. Now it’s time to let go. Not an easy thing. I sure wish I’d had a girl!  Xoxo

Comment by HeloPilotMom on February 12, 2018 at 1:09pm

Ulua,

I cannot tell you how much I feel your pain. I have 2 sons and have experienced similar circumstances as you. It is disappointing to have been a good mother and worked so hard only to have this type of issue. During my son’s wedding - long distance - cross country also - I received similar info about my DIL’s family. They were problems etc. imagine my surprise when - like you - I felt pushed away and became the “same” to them. It’s tough. Unfortunately, how the DIL treats her parents will be how she treats you - and the man will follow her lead. If you make him choose - he will choose his wife as he should. We taught them to be independent and they are - but we never realized it might mean you are out! You have to take what you get. I learned to not ask - but say - “I am flying in on such and such a date. I get a hotel room and car.” If they have only a meal here or there in a restaurant - and I will pay - you take it if you want to hug your son goodbye. I’ve found my sons are at an age they can only see us as an inconvenience and they don’t want to be blamed if they don’t do this right or that right - or don’t spend enough time with you. The pressure as a pilot is huge, new live in relationships, and just the hard stuff about growing up. They feel like kids around us somehow. And judged.  If you say, well you have to eat - and I will take you out to dinner then I find you’re not invading their home, so to speak. My DIL in Pensacola didn’t even offer us a drink of water when we walked into their new home even though my other son flew across country and so did we for his winging. It’s disappointing because it’s not how we raised them. Hoping it gets better after they have kids. It does for some - for others it doesn’t. My one son - that DIL left him after 15 months. I’m still here. I went through so much. I finally learned. I read a book on relationships with adult kids called “Walking on Eggshells” (make sure you get the one about parenting) It helped. Taught me to lower my expectations or don’t go. They may be your whole world still - but we are SO not theirs. I hear it may get better with age or when they have my grandkids. Sure hope so. There are whole support groups now for parents whose children won’t even see them. It’s tough. I pray for the pain to be healed - a lot. Will pray for you now. Time to find a new place to put your energy. Message me privately anytime! 

Comment by ulua on February 12, 2018 at 12:48pm

 thank you for being so honest about your feelings. It’s clear how deeply you feel about this. 

You are a thoughtful, loving mother and MIL. It sounds like you are very supportive of their union and understand your role is to respect their new family.

they are a new couple establishing their married relationship in the midst of a lot of stress. As hard as it is, please consider telling them you respect their decision about visitors pre- and post- deployment. Say ‘I love you’ before and after making that statement.

Stay dedicated to the ‘long-view’ of having a happy, connected family. 

Your stress and worries are real and understandable. find a positive approach to managing them! Find support through friendships, hobbies, faith. Set a personal goal to work towards while your son deploys; like an excercise goal. Stay positive! 

Comment by helenp on February 11, 2018 at 9:23pm

ulua - I agree with your advice, BUT...

In fact, after they returned from the wedding I had a heart-to-heart with my son and told him that each of their primary allegiance is now to one another over anyone else, including mothers, hers or his. I am happy with the intelligent young woman he has chosen to spend his life with. 

I'm frustrated because I have done what you suggest with her before - patience and love and support. And it worked. My DIL was communicating with me regularly and asking my advice on important things, like weighing two very different job offers, sending me pictures of houses they were looking at. She had grown to trust me. I never pushed, and I have not pushed now, but it's not fair. 

This military thing was his dream, and I have supported him through it all and I am immeasurably proud of him. But today the "what ifs" hit me. I don't think I could ever forgive her for not allowing me to hug him before he leaves this first time. I know I'm being dramatic, but I can't help it.

I, of course have not shared my drama with them, but it also has occurred to me that I have not clearly communicated to them why I want to visit, not to "be a visitor" or see a perfectly settled new house, but for my own emotional well-being.

Thanks for listening everybody.

Comment by Helomom on February 11, 2018 at 8:52pm

Wise words, Ulua. 

Comment by ulua on February 11, 2018 at 8:47pm

I have a different view. One of the hardest things as a Navy mom is ‘letting go’ once your son is married. You have been there always, worried and prayed through every challenge, supported your son at every move. Now he has found his love, his wife, and is creating a new family with her. It is very stressful as a deployment looms, for everyone. I share your pain, that’s what’s great about navy4moms.

I agree with the advice to be patient, be gracious, and tell your son and new DIL that you respect whatever they decide about visitors pre and post-deployment.

One of my favorite quotes...

’ impatience crashed the gate...grace gets invited in’                   You want to get invited in. 

Comment by redheadlass on February 11, 2018 at 7:59pm

helenp; It sounds like your DIL is projecting her own feelings towards her mother onto you. Which may be totally understandable but if her relationship with her own mother has deteriorated, one would think she would appreciate another mother figure who could offer her love, support and comfort at a time when she sure could use it. She sounds young to me, is she? I am glad you get to speak to your DS when he is alone. I hope he can talk with his new bride and explain/persuade/cajole her into letting you come.  You need it and so does he.

Comment by helenp on February 11, 2018 at 6:35pm

Thanks rousse54 and Suzie. I will try to make them understand. However, right now my DS calls me when he's alone. I don't want to transfer my fears onto his shoulders. My DIL's mother was horrible to them and it has affected my DIL. Our relationship was great before the Hawaii experience. After, she is different toward me than before, even though I did nothing wrong. So I am being told to be patient and not push her. 

Comment by redheadlass on February 11, 2018 at 3:01pm

helenp: It sounds like you really need to see your son. I can understand all the stresses your son and his wife are under, but it seems like there must be a way to make a visit work. If you cannot stay at their house, could you stay in a nearby hotel with rental car or else an AirBNB?  

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