"Friend" just gave a long speech to me on how bad the military is for marriages!!! (NEED TO VENT)

[NJ4Ever]

Hey girls,

I guess I'm just needing some support here...

My husband is currently in boot camp - PIR 10/04. And my friend was talking to me about her husband wanting to join the Guard. She said she was "a little conflicted" about the idea. I asked what her concerns were, and she replied:

"Deployment to a war I don't believe in. Nasty dirty men in the military. Nasty dirty women ("desert queens") in the military. The separation not being healthy for marriages and families, etc. Honestly, I think the military is for single childless men who have strong convictions about what they're fighting for, but the fact is most currently in the military are there because our economy sucks and they have no choice, or they think they are being patriotic, holding up an ideal that simply isn't reality these days. Infidelity and divorce rates are sooooo high in the military. Even the strongest marriages are taking a risk. I'm not arrogant enough to think I'll be the exception to the rule. I don't mean to offend you. I'm about to be joining you as a military wife."

I was honestly blown away, and didn't know how to reply. All I said back was "thank you for your honesty. I have chosen to see the best and be positive. I know I can trust God with the rest."

Thankfully, her opinion really isn't going to effect my outlook on anything. But it'd be awesome to hear some POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT instead of NEGATIVITY!!! UGH!!!

[LynBon]

My husband joined the navy to serve his country, all the benefits do help with a family of 4 

, don't get me wrong, but there is much more that goes into even considering joining the U.S military. I don't know about the "Nasty" people she is referring to (desert queens sound absolutely ridiculous) but I think I'd get Nasty angry if people were on the look out to bomb me. Yes it's hard being a military family, but if both adults are in it as a team and can work together,and separately without doing things that hurt the other then a marriage can survive. I feel as though my marriage has gotten stronger since He joined, and I'll be ready when first deployment comes (or try to be). I'm proud of my sailor. She should be proud too. Not only that but I don't think the national Guard gets deployed. what she said really rubs me the wrong way to be honest.I can understand not agreeing with the war , but what about our security? NOt only that but pirates. Yep our Navy is out there preventing piratism. This hit's me hard because I'll admit when I was going out  with my Husband  I stopped him from joining due to illogical Ideology like that. It wasn't fair to him, or our country, all do to the fact I was too scared and ignorant to see it for what it is. But now being informed, and apart of it I couldn't be happier.  

Hope this helps and sorry for it being too long. Best wishes.

[J's Wife]

I'm sorry your friend has been so negative! I agree with LynBon- I have never been more proud of my husband, and our relationship is stronger for our experiences. The benefits do help us as a family, but it really only goes far enough to allow me to step up and do the things he is unable to right now (ie. work less and do more for our family). You will see, during your PIR weekend, just how amazing this whole experience is and just how amazing the men and women are who serve our country. I have met some interesting people who serve, but to each their own. My husband and I choose to surround ourselves with the people we want to. (That applies even when my husband is away.) It can be easy to loose faith when you cannot see what is being done, but those men and women do a lot and you will see it soon enough. Boot camp is rough, being the first real separation, but it will get better and it will end. As for your friend- a marriage is not doomed by the military- it is doomed by one or both people not doing all they can to support each other. Your friends marriage probably won't last, but it will most likely be her inability to fight for something she doesn't believe in. Sorry if that seemed a bit harsh and long, but she should not be saying those mean things to you, especially while your husband is away and when she hasn't had any experience of her own.

[NJ4Ever]

Thank you very much for replying. :) I am extremely proud of my husband, and I am excited to support him. I know it's not going to be easy (its already difficult to be missing him so much), but I believe that we will only grow stronger and closer as a couple. And I don't think I could go through life looking at the negative and the "what ifs" - we are a family and we are in this together. I hope she will be able to change her outlook (for her own good and her husbands) and be the support her husband needs.Thanks for your encouragement!!

[Whitney]

Hi nj4ever,
I totally agree with the comments here. Your friend made very ignorant comments to you which I'm sure doesn't help. What people don't realize is that the same thing that can happen within a military marriage can happen in a civilian marriage. They can be tempted by the same things no matter where they are. Its all about having a strong and solid foundation. Trust and respect are key components in any relationship. And without that in any given situation it wont last. Separation is hard but if you can endure the hard times then it will take your relationship to a whole different level for the better. Also it is a very honorable act to serve in the military. Whether your friend agrees or not it is the military who protects us and without them fighting for us we wouldn't have security and\or freedom. My fiance is currently at navy bootcamp, its been rough but we've built a very strong foundation! So even when you keep hearing the negativity just keep reminding yourself of the positive!!

[abuon18]

Your friend sounds like she needs to do some research and find out what this lifestyle is really like.

 

Yes, the divorce rate is high in military marriages- because the divorce rate is high, PERIOD. It's about 40% in America for first marriages. So whether you are in a military marriage or not, that's a hefty number. Obviously it's not the majority but still a big enough number to be scary!

 

Yes, there are "nasty men and women" in the military. But these people are actually VERY easy to identify and avoid. And if you trust each other and have an open and honest relationship then you don't have to worry about these people. There are "nasty men and women" everywhere-civilians too. Trust me, other service members will be the least of her worries.  There are plenty of civilian women who chase after military men, regardless of if they are married or not.

 

Infidelity happens in the military but not nearly as often as you would think. When people are deployed, they are missing home and their families and their familiarity SO much. They are not using their deployment as an excuse to cheat on their spouse at home. And if someone is, most likely they would cheat whether they were separated by distance or not, because if a person cheats that says more about their character than their job. An opportunity can always be found for someone who is going to cheat. They don't need to be deployed. What about the men and women who cheat on their spouses at home who aren't in the military?

 

I just don't understand why she is taking these "facts" and seeing them only as they relate to military relationships when they can be applied to any relationship.

 

She is taking these negative stereotypes and that's ALL she's listening to. She's being very close-minded.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if she supports the war or not. In fact most of the military wives I know, across all branches, don't support the war. They support their husbands. In the end, that is what is going to make your marriage work. If you both support each other and understand the work that goes into this type of relationship. More military marriages end because the couples grow apart or stop wanting to put in the effort than they do because of infidelity. We face unique challenges but we have a lot of support and resources to help us through it. What is going to make a military marriage work is the commitment each spouse has to the marriage and the understanding that it will take work, every day.

I'm sorry that she is so negative. If that is the attitude she is going to continue to have then she is going to have a very difficult time.

[Melissa]

I agree with other posters, your friend is being ignorant. Military life is what you put into it, some people don't even DEPLOY in there careers. EVERYONE's experiences are going to be different, my husband is going to be finishing four years. He has been in the same place for the last four years, no deployments, no duty days. He has worked plenty of long days, lots of nights, weekends and holidays, but that will all vary by rate. Divorce rate is very high in this country, military cheating and divorces just get put on blast more then anyone else's. Also remember that the non military spouse is just as likely to cheat as the active duty member, so it's not fair to just say that its the men and that the women in the military are whores because a lot of the times it's the spouses back home. I get extremely ignorant people talk to me all the time and ask me if i think my spouse is unfaithful and how it's possible that he couldn't be after so much time apart... um why not ask me if i've been unfaithful because we've been apart for the same amount of time. I wouldn't let what your friend said get to you, most civilians will never understand unless they've experienced it for themselves. Also it's unfair to just say military because there's pilots, truck drivers, people who work on ships all civilians who spend lots of time away from their families, weeks at a time even months for some. 

[Chesser810]

MY POSITIVE RANT: I know what your going through my husband went to boot camp 7 months ago and now we are stationed in charleston. Some of our "friends" were not supportive at all. (You've probably heard this but...) Unfortunately not everyone agrees with the military and military life is not for everyone but take it from someone whos in it its not easy but  WE COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. ANYONE WHO IS NOT SUPPORTIVE TO ACTIVE MILITARY CAN BE QUIET. Being in the military is hard. Its long days. Its not fun moving every couple years. But my husband going in the military made us grow closer and stronger. I've always appreciated our men and women in service but now I'm on the other side. DO NOT LET PEOPLE GET IN YOUR HEAD because people are hateful, nasty, and do not understand military life. Long story short many Americans are arrogant when it comes to sacrifices. People are very helpful once your husband is a seaman. I'm 20 years old and I was scared to death to move across the country, transfer colleges and leave everyone and everything behind. By the time my husband graduated from basic I was ready to scream because of all the negativity back home. Now it makes me smile, because we will have a much better quality of life with our decision that we made joining the navy. And even in the past 7 months we are already living much better than what we did back home. We have auto insurance for cheap, free medical, we have a 3 bedroom house, 2 baths, a dog I'm driving a new car (instead of my old clunker), have great friends that are willing to do anything here (even though we've only known them for 4 months), the fleet and family is helping me get my nursing degree on time, and we are still putting a lot of money into savings. military wives have to stick together and keep our faith in God. He will provide. 

[NJ4Ever]

Yeah! I completely agree with everything you guys are saying!! I'm glad I'm not alone. :)THANK YOU!!

I was going to disagree with her and state what I thought about the issues she brought up, but I really didn't feel like it at the time. Maybe I'll get a chance to talk to her again, and be able to share my opinion and maybe encourage her.

How do you guys reply to people who are negative like that? Is it best to ignore it and let it go? Or state your arguments against their views?

[abuon18]

Well I think it depends on the situation and the person. I don't like to waste my time or get myself upset by arguing with people whose opinions I'm not going to change or who are too close-minded to entertain other opinions, especially in this case where they are criticizing and stereotyping our lifestyle as an outsider. They don't know, and usually they don't care to become educated.

 

In this case, since she was so rude to you, I would certainly tell her how I felt. She was completely out of line by voicing her opinions in that manner to you. There is a way to state a negative and opposing opinion without coming across as a bitch, or as critical or judgemental or close-minded and she either did not learn that or does not care. So in my opinion she needs to be put in her place and informed that she can not talk to people like that  first of all, second of all she can not talk to a military spouse like that regarding such a sensitive topic that she knows nothing about, and third of all, if she is about to join you as a military wife, then she needs her eyes opened to the reality of the lifestyle. She will NOT be welcomed by ANY military community with that attitude, so you would definitely be doing her a service by telling her what the reality is.

[LynBon]

look at it from every angle. Hard facts are to fight with and normally people are more willing to listen when theyrealize things on there own then when you slap the in the face with the truth.

[LynBon]

All of my text got cut :(

Long story short ask her where she got her facts from and.then lead her in the right direction, if she doesn't listen or sticks to her guns then she didn't really care about it in the first place. Seems better then shoving it down her throat.

[Aa]

My husband is currently in bcamp too. He just left last Sept 9th. When he asked my permission if he could apply for navy, my first answer was a "No". Because, honestly what initially got into my mind was also negative stuff. But then, I gave it a thought and put aside my immaturity. I asked him if he is serious with his decision and After hearing out his reasons and explanation I can see his desire and determination. It's like his dream and he explained to me that it would be for our family's greater good too. We will for sure sacrifice some moments together but then in the future everything's gonna be perfect. A living proof to this is his aunt and uncle. His uncle was in navy for 23years...throughout his navy years his wife is with him supporting him. They did not have a child but that didnt break their marriage. In fact, they were just celebrating their 53rd wedding anniversary. This just shows that being in a military job is not automatically a factor for relationship breaks. When you both love and trust each other, supporting each other, both responsible and mature enough, then nothing to worry. So instead of thinking negative stuff, just be there for your husband and support him all the way. He needs you, that is for sure.