Being a Nuke Mom is hard work!!

[becciquilter]

Just when I think I have all my problems licked, up comes another!  Some of you may remember me as the Mom who hadn't heard from her sailor (bless his little heart) for over 6 months.  I'm the mom who emailed the base mediators (several times) and then wrote the base commander - twice.  Um, ok - so I now know better!  But if I had to do it all over again, would I?  Um, er, (blush) let's address that another day!

 

My sailor is up in Ballston Spa and graduation date is rapidly approaching.  Our communication has still been sketchy, but when he rings up, he sounds like his old self.  He's called when he was driving home in a snowstorm and just wanted someone to talk to while he navigated dark, icy roads (I'm not sure which of us had the whitest knuckles though!)  He has a hands free system in his car and just wanted a voice to help him stay calm while trying to get home!  I would never encourage anyone to drive and talk, but it wasn't the time to say "Get off the phone!!"  I'm thinking of drinking Miss Clariol to see if it will cover the white hair quicker!!  Yikes!!  On the one hand, I didn't want to encourage the talking while driving.  But on the other hand, I recognized the need for a calm voice when it was most needed.  Double Whammy - but we got through it!!

 

He's told his sister how difficult Prototype is and how the hours are long and draining.  He said he just wants to finish and move on. 

 

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who's prayed with me that our relationship with our son would be restored and that God's Will be done.  Thank you ---

 

And he even called me on my birthday this year to wish me a Happy Birthday and that he missed me.  I didn't think it would make up for last year's fiasco, but I was wrong!  It was so nice to hear the boy I raised had turned into a decent human being!! 

 

By the way - when I ask specific questions about the exams and so forth, he says "Man, that Navy Mom site has way to much information!!"  But he answers the questions!

 

Have an awesome week everyone and again:  THANK YOU!

 

becci

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

I loved your story, becci.  I was right there with you as I read about the white knuckles and what a privilege to be there for your son at that time. 

 

My son is an MM and about to graduate A-school on the 13th of this month.  I am almost giddy that he will be coming home for 10 days immediately afterward.  Yet at the same time, I know that time will be short lived and full of ups and downs as I prepare once more for his leaving and do my best to leave the oreos on the store shelves!!!  I also realize that the time with him will be shared (quite unequally, I might add) with his girlfriend that he met just a month before he deployed to bootcamp. 

 

She is the most wonderful girl and I love her dearly but my son only has eyes or time for her and, unfortunately, mom gets left in the dark.  As an example, during bootcamp there were four of us moms who found each other on N4Ms that were all in the same ship and division and we learned to email back on forth (outside of N4Ms).  There were days that we emailed so much that we shut down our email providers...yes, it's true!!!  Then the day came and we learned that phone calls were coming in from bootcamp.  Each emailed .... my son is on the phone .... Jamie is calling, Logan is on the phone .... and little remarks continued flying back and forth across the wires - except for me.  I had even texted my son's girlfriend to let her know that phone calls were coming in.  Finally, silence.  Almost 15 minutes later I started hearing from the other moms and they were elated - on cloud nine even.  Then a text came in from "the girlfriend" saying "best phone call ever".  I sat there shaking uncontrollably - I then realized that I must be the only mother in the world that was not getting a phone call.  I can't even tell you how unworthy as a mother I felt.  For weeks I had told the other moms what a wonderful relationship I had with my son and how proud I was of him and then I was forgotten - the clock ticked down before he could call me.  There wasn't enough time to talk with his girlfriend and sneak another call in to mom as well.  Needless to say, I CRIED my eyes out for days.  I could not shake the horrible bottom-of-the-barrel feeling.  The other moms were my sounding board and they were there for me.  I knew that neither my son or his girlfriend could ever understand but the Navy Sistas - they could, they were moms who wiped the tears of their sons, kissed booboos and listened endlessly at band concerts.  However, in spite of the hurt that I felt, I still picked myself up somehow and continued writing uplifting, positive letters every day.  I had to - it was my job, I was his mother.  I didn't want to but I knew that I had to as he was relying on it.

 

Even today when I think of that awful day, it bring me a sadness and a realization that a mom's time does eventually wean down to a trickle for some boys...mine is one of those., as he learns how to divide love between a potential life partner and a mother who will always be there and always love him.  As I told the other Navy moms, I realize that he was "investing" in his future because he knew that I have always been and will continue to be a part of his life.  Even though he tells me how important I am in his life and that I am still his boy, I know that the time has come that he has given his heart to another woman and I must relinquish the apron strings.  But it is hard.  I know I've rambled on and somehow I think you will understand.  From one mom to another, may God continue to help us to learn and grow and give to our children what they need at the time they need it - if nothing more than prayers for their life.

 

Becci, I am so very glad that your son reached out to you and continues to do so.  It sounds like your relationship has been mended in baby steps and God has answered a mother's prayer.  For me, I'm counting the days until I get to hold my "baby boy" once again.  He may be 23, but he's still my boy!

[becciquilter]

Amazing - But oh, how sad that the young men in our lives (the ones that we sweated and pushed and pulled to become men!) don't quite realize how hurtful they are by their negligence!  I truly sat in my chair spellbound by your tale.  It was one that I shudder over.  While my brain understands, my heart is saying "what the heck?!"

 

My husband had a hairy cow when he found out I had written the base commander to find out why I hadn't heard a peep from our boy.  Oh well - he's a man and they just don't understand that no communication is truly a bad thing!!  But that is now water under the bridge.

 

What stage of training is your son in?  Has he finished A school and Power School?  By the way, my son is also 23.  Think its a developmental thing? 

 

My son is supposed to graduate around the end of May.  I would like to go up for that (Ballston Spa) but it looks like its not going to happen.  By the way, Power School graduation is absolutely wonderful.  If there's anyway you can attend (if your son hasn't already graduated) please try to go.  The Navy does it up right!!

 

I'm so glad you already had a support system in place before the phone call did/didn't go through.  I understand the tears - I've shed so many I don't think there's any left!!  The funny thing is, God seems to think I DO!!  :)

 

I've been praying for God's protection over my son and his classmates.  He recently said that it now makes him uncomfortable when I ask for prayers, so we're praying harder! 

 

Thanks for responding back to my post.  I hope your son will one day realize what a blessed man he is to have a mom like you.

 

b

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

Thanks Becci.  My son is just about to graduate from A-school this coming week.  woot-woot !!!  hahahaha  Then, supposedly he will head back for one more month of t-track and then starting Power School June 27 or 28.  But we all know that is only speculation and it will happen when it does. 

 

Don't get me wrong, my son is a wonderful kid and having a "real" girlfriend is a fairly new thing for him and so I can understand putting most of his eggs in one basket.  I truly am hoping that when he gets home at the end of next week, he will be able to figure out how to share his time with deal old mom.  lol

 

My son is a wonderful Christian young man and anytime I tell him that I am praying for him for a test, health, etc. he always tells me thank you and I know it means a lot.  I will agree with you, however, that if it is making your son uncomfortable, you got lots of praying ahead of you as the devil works very hard on our children.  We have to stand in for them even when they don't know how badly they need a Savior, right?

 

Blessings to you, my new friend.

 

 

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

Forgot to tell you that I have every intention to get there for his Power School graduation - I've heard already that it is not one to miss.  Thanks for the reminder!

[Maddie]

Geez you guys, I literally bawled reading what you wrote.  It is sad that some of us moms have to almost beg our kids to understand our need to hear from them.  When I didn't hear from my kid after he arrived at GC, I felt so deprived knowing that I would have received a call had he not have a girlfriend.  I do not begrudge them of their relationship but after hearing her say, for so many times, "he told me to tell you..."  I was so hurt that he couldn't take a minute to tell me himself.  I would have loved to hear his voice!  DH tells me that I have to learn to let go but that's not really what this is about, is it? 

 

Glad we have each other as sounding boards or I'd be talking to myself...and probably answering back, too!   

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

I think during bootcamp, most of us were asking questions and answering them as well.  But then again, now that my son is in A-school, not sure the first part was any easier...just more of the same.  lol  

 

Yeah, he now had his phone and his computer but I was still a basket case.  I was still craving the little boy that I was used to taking care of.  As each day goes by, I'm learning to stop looking at what isn't and rejoice in the times I do hear from him.  In other words, I'm trying to grow up.  

 

Maddie, tell us your story...sounds like there is one!!  Where in the pipeline is your Nuke and what rating is he/she?

 

Crazy question, but what does DH stand for?...da hubby ... lol

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

By the way, Maddie, I too am a mother of three sons and it was also my youngest that flew out to bootcamp and is now in Nuke School.

[nvmomma]

Thank you Becci & Penny for sharing your stories. It is an awkward time of growth and change and separation, for them and for us. They have no idea how much their inattention hurts us moms, we miss them so much. It's so hard to be the grownup.

My son communicated pretty well at first - any time he could in BC, then every day in some way when he got to GC. We have always gotten along pretty well, and he has been pretty homesick. I got addicted to the internet, waiting for "hi momma" to pop up on the Skype chat icon on my menu bar every day, watching his posts on fb. As he got busier he communicated less, and I think I got a little overbearing in my desperation to keep in communication, and I could sense him pulling away. Got to where I initiated all the Skype chats ("hi bubba") and got the one word answers even more than usual. I got more and more depressed, then I wrote him a 'real' (snail mail) letter and articulated my feelings and impressions. It was a one-sided heart to heart, but since I sent it I have noticed "hi momma" popping up more often again. It's so hard to find that balance of maintaining a close relationship with your grown children without being underfoot all the time. I guess it is really time to let them grow up, and also do a bit of that myself.

[nvmomma]

By the way, it's wonderful to find so many mothers of faith on this site who pray their sailors through many difficult moments. I am so glad to be a part of this eternal sisterhood! :)

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

As I told my husband a little bit ago, see, I'm not the only one.  I can so relate, nvmomma, to your story.  I found that I would keep the chat box open showing who was on and who wasn't.  And when I saw him come on, I would say hello but also got the one word answers ... if any.  Or the conversation would start with a couple sentences and then go dead.....he had someone else to talk to a little more interesting!!  Now it has gotten to the point that should I see him come on I just ignore it and see if he says hello...not usually!!!  It has taken a real diligence on my part to let him grow up and grow the communication lines with his girlfriend.  He know that he can talk with me anytime and I'll listen.  But I also know that he must have gotten tired, in the beginning, of all my questions (like we ALL had and still have).  I didn't write the ... hey, here's what's on my heart letter but I did talk to him on the phone about it.  He said that he would try to do better and call at least over the weekend each week.  That lasted for about 2 weeks and now if I really want to hear his voice, I call and listen to his voice mail come on announcing his name.  I usually leave an I love you message and just wanted to hear your voice.  Hope you are doing well.  

 

I know that this next week is extremely difficult for him as he has just one more test this Friday and then the big comprehensive on Monday and he is putting everything he has into that.  I'm really trying not to be a helicopter (hovering) mother and know that every day that I can resist the urge to be the one to say "hi son" helps me to grow and also allows him the opportunity to grow as well.  

 

As a mom, I think we believe our kids will always want to be with us, sharing their lives with us and thinking of us first.  Then they leave the nest, find a girlfriend, join the Navy...  lol, and we find out very different very fast.  It's difficult but I am so glad that we have so many other navy moms that think the same thoughts, hurt the same, cry real tears and lift each other up.  Thank you ladies for your willingness to share.

[maryquitecontrary (1131 M)]

I really respect what you had to say. While I'm not a mom yet, just one of those "notorious" girlfriends.... I can understand how difficult it is to have to start letting go of your child. My mom and I are very close (I think it's a girl thing as a lot of my friends are this way as well), and we talk multiple times every day. A lot of times one of us will just call to say hi.....I'm at the grocery store, what are you doing? Etc.

 

However, despite how much we do talk, I can see my mom struggling more and more as my relationship with my boyfriend progresses. I think that this is something that every parent will have to work through, and it's hard no matter how much communication there is! I'm trying to keep in mind how I feel now trying to spread my own wings and establish myself in the world as an individual separate from my parents/family, and how all of you moms describe feeling for when I'm a mom going through this down the line! 

 

On behalf of all kids :), I'm sorry that this so hard for you moms! I know that my boyfriend is the same way with his Mom..... loves her, but calls me first. I do my best to keep her in the loop, but I think it is an inevitable part of life. And the fact that you realize that Penny (and you other moms), and that you are conscious of allowing your son to grow, is so nice to hear! I'm sure that a similar situation occurred when all of you met your husbands, sort of the natural order of things to leave the parents and go forward on their own/with their significant other.

 

Thank you to you moms for sharing your struggles and for being understanding of the process! I would hate to think that my boyfriend's mom had any resentment towards me for his not calling her!

[elizabeth77(USS SAN FRANCISCO)]

Well written and well thought out.  You are right.  It helps to hear your perspective.  Kahlil Gibran has some wonderful writings about what it means to be a parent.  Giving your children away, means you owned them in some way and we really don't.  They have been entrusted to us and it is an incredibly emotional and demanding job but they belong to themselves. They need to follow their hearts and their dreams and sometimes our dreams can hinder them.