Son ignores phone calls/letters from home....

[becciquilter]

My son started school in October and we didn't hear anything from him until he came home for Christmas.  I made him "pinky swear" that he would stay in closer contact.  While I know school is demanding and keeping him busy, could it really keep him so busy that he wouldn't call home for my birthday?  I knew I would get a phone call on Mother's Day, but so far haven't heard a word.

 

Is this normal behavior?  He hasn't contacted anyone from home.  I've checked the cell phone records and he's only called Papa John's (no relative!!!)  I'm planning a trip to Goose Creek around the first of June to try to find his carcass. I've gone from being upset to just plain old mad!  If he's this bad about communicating, what's it going to be like later?

 

p.s. This isn't the first time he's been away from home.  When he went out of state to college, he was better about staying in touch.  Of course, those phone calls were necessary if he wanted to keep the $$ in his school account.

 

What should I do?  What would you do or what have you done to reach your sailor?  I had written a letter to the Commanding Officer a month ago, but didn't receive an answer from him either. I am grateful that we haven't had a real emergency or death in the family or this would have really driven me off the deep end.

 

Also, what do you tell people when they ask how's he doing? I've had a great family friend send him cookies a couple of times and she's never heard if he's even eaten them. My last package was returned as he wouldn't/couldn't get to the Post Office to pick it up.

 

Help!!

 

Becci

[Laura]

Thanks :)

[becciquilter]

Update: The ombudsmen forwarded my email to the Master Chief. He notified Matt that I wanted to talk to him. That's it. That's all. I have done everything I can think of to let my son know that I wanted/needed to hear from him. A couple of his friends found out he hasn't called home in over 6 months and have told him how disrespectful that is. Nothing.

So.......I will continue to send the funny cards and light notes.......and one day, he'll call.

Personally, I like the Marine Corps approach to when a Marine pulls this kind of stuff!! I've transcribed over 40 interviews related to a Naval project my company is working on. In every one of these, the observation is made that communication needs to be a priority in the Navy. I now understand! I had asked general and specific questions for the ombudsmen and never got an answer. So, she's definitely in need of communication skills herself. As for me, I will back down and back off. 'Nuff said?
p.s. If I complain again, please......somebody.....SLAP ME!!! :)

[Laura]

You'll be just fine becci. He has to find his way and you have to walk a different path now -- and that's hard. Just keep loving him. Eventually the winds will blow him home again -- like any sailor in love with the mistress called the sea. :)

[Pat L. in IL]

Dear Becci, There won't be any slapping here!! Just hugs and encouragement. We know that this is a hard time for you and we will just tell you to be patient. Hey, have you joined Molly's Adopt A Sailor group yet? This is a really fun group and the sailors/soldiers we send stuff to each month really appreciate us! Maybe if you join us in a project, it will take your mind off your troubles. BIG (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you! Pat

[Hunyhare]

At least your son hasn't so totally rejected his family that he changed his name. I have not heard from my son in almost 3 years and my other son did some imaginative digging thru records available on the Internet and found out that his brother had changed his name in April, 2008. We found a profile for him on MySpace and found out that at least at the time the profile was created, he was living in San Diego and still in the Navy, but I have no idea if he's still a submariner or what he's doing otherwise. He'd also completely broke things off with the girl he'd asked to marry him while he was stationed on the Kennedy. All I can do is pray for him and hope that some day, he'll call or come visit.

[becciquilter]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine anything that would make someone want to "divorce" their family. I hate the fact that you have no idea what it is that caused him to split like that. My nephew has cut ties to his parents. They have no idea what it is that they've done to cause this. I think the kid should at least give some type of explanation and give them a chance to make it right. And for your son to change his last name......he should at least have the courtesy of saying "you've done this, so I've done that." I think the not knowing is just awful - plain and simple awful.
You're right about my being lucky that Matt hasn't done that. I will add you and your family to my prayer list. Keep us posted on what's going on!
b

[delta_golf]

Becci I completely understand what you are going through my Fiance went through Nuke school almost 2 years ago and we had to stage an intervention with him about the way he was treating his parents and myself. We heard from him but it was always negative stuff about how we lived and how we had everything so good. All you can do is keep writing and remind him that his family is the only that is going to stand by him when things get rough and that at his graduations you are the one cheering for him and that if he wants to not talk thats fine but don't expect us to be around when you do finally come running. With nukes you have to really give them tough love. My fiances family and myself didn't write to him or answer our phones for about 2 weeks until he started leaving frantic e mails and then he finally one day apologized to us.Just keep your head up. =]

[becciquilter]

So what was the outcome? Is everything ok now? Do you have any clue why he was being so negative?

b

[BarbaraJane]

Hate to add another "my son doesn't communicate either," to this discussion, but it almost seems like it is one of the nuke school courses. My son wants subs, so maybe it is a course for the sailors and the moms. Admittedly there is a disadvantage to not having our children need us to send money. Checking the hospitals doesn't seem to be an option unless you planned ahead and have a health care power of attorney so you can get disclosure. Good luck to all moms as they wait to hear.

[becciquilter]

I'm sorry BarbaraJane. I would have truly felt like I was a bad mother if he had stayed in contact with others and not me, but in this case - he's not in communication with anyone! I have learned from this group so many things, that when people ask about him, I look them straight in the eye and say "I've heard that this is the busiest he's ever been in his life and I will let him know that you were asking about him". I read the other responses above and it really breaks my heart that we're being supportive and yet.......no respect from the other side? Yes, I know they are busy and yes, I know this is a difficult course load and yes, I know the military life takes adjusting. But you can't tell me these fellows can't find 2 seconds to call just to let the folks know they are still alive and kicking?!! Do you think they're wired differently? p.s. My husband says I shouldn't get my knickers in a wad, that this is just part of growing up. Gosh, if I had ever pulled this, my mother would have sent me into the next week!!!

Best wishes that just maybe your son will break out of the "radio silence" mode soon!! Oh - maybe that's why we haven't heard from them - they're practicing!!!!!!!!! :)

[Laura]

Think about the story of the Prodigal Son -- no exact prodigal here,and they didn't have wifi, email and phones in Bible times. BUT -- still look at the communication factor -- and lack of it. Look at the Father's response when the son did finally come home. Then look at the relationship between Joseph, his brothers, his father . . . LOTS of stuff to feel bad about, and rightfully be agrieved with, BUT, Joseph chose to forgive and forget and make amends with the relationship there. It was a little over 17yrs before he saw or spoke to anyone in his family after his brothers had sold him into slavery. Still a good lesson for us today. Not preaching here, just sharing something I learned in our Community Bible Study group on Genesis this year. Put a completely different spin on familiar stories -- took things a little deeper.

For your mom -- I know what you mean -- but expectations are different for girls than for boys. It's not supposed to be, but it is, and it always will be. It's just the way we're wired. Still feel that the best thing to do is love them like God loves us -- for who we really are, in spite of ourselves. :) This one needs A LOT of grace!

I have a sister that has "disowned" the family She's actually a step-sister, but I've always hated the connotation "step" -- like you're lesser or something to be smooshed under someone's foot. There were some deep seated problems with her mom. Counseling didn't seem to help, but was attempted. I see how much it hurts my step-mom, but I also know that I wasn't there for all of the stuff that's hurt my sister either. It's water under the bridge and no one can go back and change what's happened. At some point, even my sister will have to learn and decide to let it go, forgive and be set free, and restore the relationship with her mom and the rest of the family. We may not like it, but that is the way it is. I feel sorry for her too, as she may not really realize all of the things she is choosing to exclude herself from in our lives that she can never get back either Sometimes the hurt just runs too deep -- or anger. I do know that dwelling on it doesn't do any good. Lynn Austin writes some really good Christian fiction with stories that include all kinds of problems with relationships and life. She writes so well, that you get lost in the story from the first few pages. Check her stuff out -- there's a lot of really good advise in those pages too. :) God is good and the ultimate restorer of broken relationships. You're doing great -- keep it up!

[algerine]

Hi Becci -
I joined Navy for Moms when my son went to BC last January, however I haven't been very active because I thought I was the only mom who lost communication w/ their son. I feel better knowing there are more of us out there, as hard as it is. I found out on Facebook that my son got married after PIR (I wasn't invited to either, even though I would have gone in a second's notice). He just turned 19 in May, and they had been dating a little over a year. I've thought about going to GC to find out what's going on and see if he's doing ok. Did you go to visit? How did that go?