Laughs for when the Days are Hard - Navy Humor

[Sparkle_Mary]

I thought I'd start this discussion here to give us a place to come, read, share and then chuckle, giggle or guffaw until our sides ache. It's ok to laugh until you cry too. :) Whatever makes you feel better and helps to lift your spirits! :-)

[Sparkle_Mary]

How To Simulate Being A Sailor-Thanks to Stephanie (mom of Ryder) who originally posted this back in '08.


Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

Repaint your entire house every month.

Renovate your bathroom. Lower all showerheads to four and one-half feet
off the deck.

When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn water heater temperature up to 300
degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn water heater off.

On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the
week, so no bathing will be allowed.

Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on high.

Leave your lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper
noise level.

Once a month, disassemble all your major appliances and electric garden tools, inspect
them and then reassemble them. Do this every week with your lawnmower.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot across and onto your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.

Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 4 hours after you go to sleep,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher
operator, blender technician, etc.

Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the next two years.

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m. while she reads it to you.

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines,
and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting
that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread
icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose.

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard
port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

Buy a trash compactor but only use it once a week. Store up garbage in your bathtub.

Invite at least 500 people you don't really like to come and live with you for about 6 months. (DEPLOYMENT TIME!!!!)

Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.

Start your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere, to ensure the engine is properly "lit off".

Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per
pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut with sheep shears.

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to
leave your house before 3 PM

Take a two-week vacation visiting the Far East, and call it "world travel".

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

[Sparkle_Mary]

Some Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy.


1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal
.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!'

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.

33. Paint your house Grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car Grey, paint your driveway a different shade of Grey.

34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.

35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.

36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.

37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."

38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."

[Sparkle_Mary]

A Recruit in Navy Boot Camp got on the wrong side of our company commander and was ordered to do push-ups. As he neared triple digits, an airliner flew overhead. "I bet you wish you were on that plane, don'tcha?" sneered the CC.

"No, sir," said the unlucky Recruit.

"Why wouldn't you want to be on that plane?" asked the CC

"Because," the Recruit grunted between push-ups, "that plane's landing. I want to be on one that's leaving!" :)

[Sparkle_Mary]

At-Home Training Course for Naval Officers


All you have to do to become a Surface Warfare or Supply Officer is
complete the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines:

1. Navigator: Tie a brick around your neck and stare out the living
room window for hours at a time. Call your father every time a car
passes by your house. Take bearings to random streetlights.

2. First Lieutenant: Muster the kids out in the backyard. Tell them
to paint the house haze gray. When your 10 year old spills a gallon
of paint in the pool, reduce him in age to 9 and cut his allowance.

3. Combat Information Center Officer (CICO): Turn off all the lights
in the house and put the A/C on high. Put earmuffs on all the kids
and make them sit in front of a blank TV screen for 8 hours at a
time. Berate them when they can't figure out a Senior Officer Afloat
to get from the kitchen to the downstairs bathroom instantaneously.
Resort to several years of intensive psychotherapy.

4. Senior Tactical Officer (STO): Strut around the house ranting to
anyone you see in a rare form of ancient Gaelic. When they don't
understand, chuckle and tell them that the toaster and the
microwave "just aren't talking."

5. FCO: Follow around STO. Randomly nod in agreement.

6. Main Propulsion Assistance (MPA): Pour your lawnmower's gasoline
can into the pool. Run around the house three times, then throw 12
rolls of toilet paper into the pool. Finally, pull out the phone book
and call every person in neighborhood and tell them "it was only a
cup's worth." Resort to heavy drinking.

7. Weapons Officer: Make the whole family shoot the family shotgun
into the pool. Roll out the garden hose to the front lawn and spray
any suspicious visitors including your neighbors and the mailman.
Tell Grandma she can't come in to visit the kids because she's not on
the access list.

8. FSO: Drive around the neighborhood kidnapping local children. Dress
them up in silly outfits and force them to do all the household
chores. When they protest, make them sit in 150 degree bath water and
gleefully throw food and plastic cups at them.

9. Electrical Officer: Lay around the house, occasionally get up and
walk to the basement to trip random circuit breakers and time how
long it takes for STO to find his way there in the dark.

10. Anti Submarine Warfare (ASW) Officer: About once every year,
throw a cucumber into the pool. Put on a blindfold and tie your hands
behind your back with a small garden hose. Dive in and try to find
the cucumber using only your mouth. Have the kids fire green flares
at you every ten minutes.

11. Supply Officer: Walk from bedroom to bedroom with magical
bottomless cup of coffee in hand. Skillfully bring fellow housemates'
misfortunes to the forefront to steer conversation away from the fact
that they are forced to use saran wrap as underwear while waiting for
the standard 3 week laundry turnaround period to expire.

12. German Exchange Officer: Follow around Supply Officer. Randomly
nod in agreement.

13. Damage Control Assistance (DCA): Set your alarm clock to go off
at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you
can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff
your pants into your socks. Close every door in the house, then run
out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

14. CSO: See FCO

15. Operations Officer: Climb to the highest point of the house and
jump off headfirst into the driveway. Trust me, its better this way.

16. Executive Officer: Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and
shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and
sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and
kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

17. Chief Engineer: Crawl into a sleeping bag and tie it off at its
end. Have the kids beat you mercilessly with wiffle ball bats while
your wife yells at you through a megaphone "Engineering Casualty,
Engineering Casualty.".

[Sparkle_Mary]

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp

[Betsy, mom of Stennis sailor]

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of working at Mickey D’s or going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
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