Anyone with Sailors/Soldiers/Marines in War Zones and Combat Areas

PBear....first of all, please (all of you!) check out the links posted above, especially the Defense Center one, and all those about after deployment and PTS...and secondary PTS. Please. Those are the pros in sharing with you what to say, how to help your kids as they go through this time in a war zone, and do the things that as moms, we never, ever taught them. We didn't raise them to kill, or to fight, or to try to save the life of a comrade who has fallen. We don't know all the rules and all the ways, but there are some really smart people, and those who have experienced those same things that your sons are going through and they are reaching out to us. To our kids and to the loved ones of those who serve. Please. Don't avoid it. Don't think it won't happen to your son or daughter. We support each other here by being honest and realistic and the reality is that our kids are serving or have served in terrible war zones. It kills our souls to send them, to hear them and the fear of what is coming home to us can be over whelming. That is secondary PTS. Please reach out to those that know how to help us. Please. 

I know I've shared this before, but these words to me offer more comfort to our young corpsmen than any I can say. I shared this with a young corpsman that trained with my son. He used to write me snail mail from Iraq. Some he'd say to share with his mom, some he'd write on top, "don't show this one to mom". But he had to write it out. I laminated this from the Viet Nam wall and sent it to him. He still has it.

     Be not ashamed to say you loved them, though you may or may not have always. Take what they have taught you with their dying and keep it with your own.

     And in that time when men decide and feel safe to call the war insane, take one moment to embrace those gentle heroes you left behind.

Major Michael Davis O'Donnell
1 January 1970
Dak To, Vietnam
Listed as KIA February 7, 1978

Dear moms specially P-bears mom and Susan and Chief - sending you tons of "prayers".

Wonder if this would help anyone info from my work:

CISD is Critical incident stress debriefing -

PTSD is Post tramadic stress disorder - (not a perfect speller)

When a critical incident occurs if it is debriefed (specially within 24/48 hours) the effects of it are much less. If so many critical incidents happen and none are debriefed PTSD can set in -

So what I am saying is you are not only moms you are super counselors!! If your sons are telling you about their experiences good or bad they are debriefing and this will help them.

We are all witnesses to eachothers lives, intimate witnesses to those who give us special access - you moms are saving your sons listening to them through words or in writting.

Many times I just have to guess through my sons voice what he is doing how he is - he keeps much inside. From my perspective it is a good thing your sons are sharing with you. It will keep them healthy and you will recognize them when they come home.

If you google CISD you can learn more. The guys can talk to eachother but they have all been under the same stress - they need to talk to someone who is outside the event.

Well I think you are all amazing.

P-bear - OMGosh I know your feelings so well.. I don't know what to say to you that all these other wonderful moms haven't already said... We just listen to their pain.. We feel their pain - We hurt for them.. I have always said my sons eyes will never be the same .. What he saw, what he went through... I am so proud of him and I'm starting to prepare myself for my daughter and it does hurt.. I respect the jobs they have chosen and I stand beside them...

Ruthella said it beautifully : )

MT, thanks for sharing that "after deployment" update information. I know my son says you can't walk 3 feet without a poster, a phone number, etc on base in your face. I know we all think it is there, but good to hear that even those at home, not on base, are still getting checked on and not being ignored. It is a matter of each individual reaching out, and sometimes the combined effect of PTS and TBI can stop that from happening. That's why each of us have to do our research, find those links and web sites online, read, read, read. There are hotlines you can call, and honestly, if any of you are up all night walking the floors or in a state of pain you cannot ignore, call them. Tell them you need to talk to someone, get a suggestion from them about who to call, what to do to help YOU get past this deployment.  And please, do not be shy about coming here to tell us all about any information you got. If you're self conscious, send me a personal message, I'll share the information for you without using your name. This is what this group is for, sharing hard stories, ways to cope, and things to make us finally smile and laugh (Like meltdowns in the Walmart and kids coming HOME!).

Emile, thank you for your research! I have read some about CISD, like all psychotherapy it has it's boosters and those that not that fond of it. Mainly, from what I read, is that it needs to be in a controlled setting, and that there is little evidence that it can "stop PTSD" .

I do think the military is focusing on ways to work with these vets and help them find their way. When my son met his injured Marine buddy out on his leave after injury in Afghan here at the house for those few days, it was during the week. I made some comment about him not working that week and he said "it's kinda work, the chief knows."  Another time my son said " he just needs to talk to a safe ear."....So on a one on one situation, a chief made the call for a recovering Marine to talk with a Doc who he trusted and spend a few days at Barton Springs pool, eating home cooked meals and bar b que, and talking. A form of CISD, one on one....the military on all levels is recognizing they can help these kids come back to the real world on a lot of levels.

I'm reading Until Tuesday by Luis Carols Montalvan ...about an incredible service dog and the vet who needs him. My friend (met here on N4M) who sent it to me said I'd read it in one setting...and I was, but when I get to those parts about why that vet has PTS, and his experiences, I have to put it down and literally walk away from it. Just for a while. I would suggest for you to read it, but possibly not if your child is deployed right now. My point is ....these dogs help and save the lives of their vets. Your dog at home can be crtical to your child's reentry into the real world, they have listened to all those high school secrets they will listen to more and their love is uncondtional. Like I was told, "they might say they miss their moms, their girl friends, their wives...we miss our dogs". I know mine kept me sane when my son was in a war zone, kept me moving, knew when I was about to lose it.....

PBear...thinking of you today so much...I know those older guys with your son have reached out, and have his back in so many ways. If he calls again, please share with him that there a many moms of Docs in his corner, and that we have your back....

PBear...now when it comes to those Walmart meltdowns, bless you, YOU are  now the experienced mom whose arms will automatically go out to that person who is scared of the unknown...because now you know.

My son and I were talkng about anger once...and he said "mom, let me tell you..nothing can piss you off more than to have somebody shooting at you. Nothing. It takes you over, makes you react on a level you didn't know you had." I call it focus, he calls it anger...I call it brave, he calls it his job. All I know, P Bear and Susan, too...is that I couldn't be praying any harder for him than I am for your sons. All of you with kids in war zones, you have my heart.

And  yeah, I liked those "morale" calls except generally they followed some sort of hell we didn't know about...just knowing they are safe today helps.

I have to agree with TDM ... P-Bear I write and then think NO and I then delete,,, Words are really hard.. I read what your son said and remember my son and what he told me... Its hard to be strong ... Walmart Meltdowns... WOW!  Bless your san and all our sons and daughters.. I am trying to prepare myself for my daughter going ... Its not easy and I don't think you can ever prepare... I go to all these graduations for my children and look at all those precious Soldiers / Sailors and God Bless them...

Not an easy time for any of us is it....

Karen, this has been an emotional few days here, but that's what we're here for, to validate all of the feelings and the fear that moms and dads have when a child is in a war zone.

We have to remember that our kids are very well trained, that they serve with others that are well trained, and that, thankfully, not all have jobs that lead them out to be in danger zones every day in Afghan or Iraq. Corpsmen serving greenside serve as Marines as well as Docs, and that double duty can be overwhelming to those waiting at home. There are no unimportant jobs in the military, and in these war zones, there can be no total safety. We can just pray, stick together, and share our fears and our stories and wait. Then will come those days when all this board is about is HOMECOMING!!! pure joy!!

Some days around this board are downright hysterical...as in funny....but we're all in it together!

Karen, are you on facebook? several of the Seabee units have pages, and put up a lot of photos of what they doing and building. It really is cool to see what they are doing, such brave guys to accomplish all they do in a war zone. I know they are well guarded and watch out for each other, but I certainly can share your concern. I have a couple of friends with Seabee sons, they can sure tell their share of the stories! One is stationed just out of country...building in what is basically two giant iron shipping containers, welded together, with no AC (it broke...ya think their would be a HVAC guy in the bunch...). I suggested sending fans and she said "great, it'd be a convection oven!". Karen, can you message me what unit your son is with and I'll see if I can locate the facebook page for you. Please don't put the info out here, thanks. 

PBear, you did perfect...you got it out and we shared it, and now it won't affect new moms or anyone being nosy when they shouldn't. I will again be the bad guy and caution against exchanging alot of information with the moms of kids in the same unit as your son, you just don't know what it can lead to...wait until they are home to get to know each other better. Just because you two get along doesn't mean the two deployed guys are buddies. Trust your son's information about what is going on there, not someone else's.

A reminder to all of you waiting...get out of the house, or go to the gym, or go shopping, whatever it takes to get you moving and out the door . (I don't know if I can follow my own advice, it's so darn HOT here in central Texas!) but do something...watch a chick flick, no war movies. Have a great night!

Karen M...My Seabee son was over there last year, and I know he was a lot safer than some.  However, when it is your kid, you can't help but worry.  As far as I know, he was only injured twice...once when a screwdriver slipped and went through his hand, and once when one of his crew accidently "shot" him with a staple gun.  But these moms will tell you...I could work myself into a panic in a heartbeat!  (I did not religiously follow the news, but if I heard something I'd spend the evening Googling everything I could find.)

PBear's Mom...Your post has already HELPED others.  The success of this group depends on us being honest with each other.  I know there were a few time I'd come on here and "moan"...then regret it.  But almost instantly, others responded and said they felt the same way.  Sometimes you need to speak out not only for yourself, but for the others that don't want to sound silly or weak.

Funny, all the bedrooms were painted during my son's Iraq deployment....whatever works!

denise, my son shared your son's theory. He didn't tell me anything in those calls, letter (one real letter!) and emails/online chats. Just asked about home, and the dogs, his nieces/nephew....and the 'good to hear your voice, mom' is as close to emotion as he'd let himself get. He told me before he left "I'm coming home so don't panic."   He wouldn't even ask about Boomer, our aging dog that he knew we were going to lose, but it was the first thing out of his mouth on the phone after he was boots down USA. Focus, job, his Marines, focus.

And now he's in love. and 90 miles from home. It will all be better, ladies, it will all be better. Now...his gf's birthday is tomorrow and I have to go get something approriate...I guess a subscription to Bride's Mag is out?

ProudAZmom, I must have missed something. We all have diverse and wonderful relationships with our children....simply because my son, or anyone's son/daughter chooses to not share their war zone experiences with their families while deployed and we post about it isn't expressing judgment on anyone else's relationship with their own soldier/sailor/marine. It's just how my son is...he's protective, he knows I worry, he knows I'm on this board every day to support you moms, and he knows how it tears me up inside sometimes. And he doesn't want me to hear a different tone in his voice and worry myself sick over it. It's his way. He also came home, sat down and shared a lot of his tour with us. In person, so we could ask questions, and know he was safe and sound. I don't question or judge how other families communicate, it's not my call. I know my son's buddies in his unit and his commanders felt very strongly about too much sharing on any on line board, just for the sake of the privacy of others and OPSEC.  With the shut down of facebook and other online communication on board some Navy ships, I think the military is finding their way to coexist with online groups like this one.

My main concern as an admin is that no unit info, no arrivals, departures or count downs appear here. And that all causality and injured info be presented after it is announced by the Dept of Defense, so no mom/dad comes here to see that there were causalities in their son/daughter's area or unit before there has been time to inform the family of anyone hurt or killed. No unnecessary fear or worry, we have plenty.

I always advise the same thing...as I was advised when I first joined this board. When your son/daughter is talking to you, they are talking to MOM (or Dad) not to this group in general.  We all have to be very selective about what we share publicly from those phone calls and emails. They are in a war zone. We are not. We are here to support, but not necessarily share all info from those calls and emails.

We all have different ways of coping. My son's (and denise's son, as well, it seems) way is doing the job day by day and using our time on the phone and chat to laugh and enjoy the sounds and stories of home. It doesn't mean we are not as close to our children as you consider yourself to be with your son. We are all individuals with individual relationships with our individual children. I really feel no  judgement call on those relationships should be made by anyone.

How many would have signed up for our jobs knowing the pain and heartache we bare? A mom is not a job of financial reward, our reward is greater than money.. We military mom’s get to know that our hard work had produced MEN OF HONOR… Our hard work has produced a human being willing to give more of themselves than most.. That the humans we raised want to do something greater with their life that will serve all of us..

 I remember when my sons were deploying and I would go to the main board and see mom’s in tears .. Falling apart because their son just left for basic…  I would get so man and wanted to slap them… and at times I would post that its just basic mom they could be in Iraq with my son… .. but then realized I felt that same pain when my son left and that I needed to show support ..

My sons NEVER told me about their deployments.. I never knew my Riverines group had come under attack, I never knew my Riverine was injured and is now failing his medical exams at the VA due to those injuries.. I never knew my son was exposed to something that could now cause lasting health effects..  

I never knew about the base coming under attack and my Army son running out of the barracks in the middle of the night with a gun to help defend his post.. I didn’t know about the roadside bombs or the suicide of a young soldier he found.. until after he was home…

Some sons come to mom and tell her everything… Mom is and will always be that place of safety.. It must be hard to hear their pain knowing there is nothing we can do to help…What words can we say to make it better? I don’t know I wish I had an answer to that… all we can do is listen take it all in and find a place where we can go to let it all out.. This is that place please don’t be afraid to come here.. we might not be able to find the world to make it better but ½ the battle is letting it all out..

Mom’s you need to have all the resources you can not only for you but for your sons… especially when they decide to leave..

P-bear’s mom we are all here for you.. and something that I found.. through my venting and getting it all I out I was helping another mom.. she msg’d me privately and thanked me for saying what she was afraid to say.. thanked me for sharing my first walmart meldown story … 

My way of dealing with my sons deployments was to work … and I mean work a lot  7 days a week 12 hour days.. Then I changed jobs and kids deployed again.. so I worked and then went back to school I developed an ulcer and now dealing with that.. I admit to taking zanax when needed it was funny that I usually needed it after talking to my soldier or sailor not when I didn’t…

Remember we are part of a group that no one really wants to be a member of… we are military moms who have had live with the pain that our sons have chosen to be the men they are and put their lives on the line so we all have a better world t live ln… I know I would rather be in las vegas…

 Hi, I just recieved my sons address and it has FPO in it.. I see some of you are talking about FPO could they be in the same place?? What does FPO stand for..Another question my son is a corpman and he said he would be on base.I felt releif,  butcould he be just as dangerous as away from the base. when on the base do they just eat those packaged meals..Any info would be greatly appreicated.

@ Dan's Dad how long has he  been there?? Mine left 2/11. Fortunately he's is in an ok area (for lack of a better phrase) but he's seeing way more than I'd like him to at 19. I think that's been the hardest part for me, not that he's actually there, but having to deal w/ the life/death situations.

He let me know today that his shift has changed so he won't be able to contact as much anymore :(   But I'm greatful for for whatever contact I get. This Friday is the 113th Birthday of the Corpsman, he did let me know that the other day. And they're going to have cake, that just seems so odd to me, but I'm glad they get to do some of the celebrations that they'd do stateside.

Sounds like Victoria's Doc is IA..with the Army? they go for such long deployments!! that R&R isn't near long enough, I bet.

Anna, good to hear you're moving into waiting mode for Homecoming!

@ Anna... Green-side???

@ TexasDocMom...He's attached to a Marine unit and was given the option of a 6 or 12 mo deployment & opted for 12. and no R&R won't be long enough :(

@Teri...I'm new too & I know what you mean about never expecting this to happen, I too assumed he'd be on a ship somewhere, not in the sandbox. hang in there :)

My son who is greenside is with his marines on a ship.. I have to say two1/2 years ago almost 3 I was the confused one.. LOL I kept telling my son "What do you mean your with the Marines, your Navy" .... This is my sons 2nd deployment first one was the sandbox sooo this is an easy deployment for this mom : )

@ John....Uhmm  LOL  Ok, I guess we're Greenside, he's attached to a Marine unit on land not a boat. But I'd think if you were w/ Marines on a boat you'd be kinda Aqua as opposed to just Blue or Green...lol

@ MikesMom..I had to laugh at the comment about being Navy. I said the same thing when he told me he was going to "A" w/ Marines. I said "but you're Navy, shouldn't you be on a boat?"

LOL, no boats in this picture:

http://i1215.photobucket.com/albums/cc512/vettespace1/dirtydozen_we...

Vettespace that looks like our Riverines in Iraq.. I will have to post some pics of the guys... 

Sorry I havent been on to much..  dealing with Army son's health issues, former Sailor struggling with transitioning from military/civilian life.. he has a job but while he's not in school he does not get BHA so he's struggling to pay rent/car etc.. I understand why they dont give them BHA when they are not in class but man its really tough on them.. we are still waiting for his next test for his TBI but now he's thinking about going back in the military...ugh.. we'll see...

Welcome to our new mom's .... remember you are never alone...

One of those middle of the night thoughts...my son took his laptop, I ended up sending two of those cooling mats for it. Also ziplocks big enough to put the lap top in, ( he used two). Don't know why I thought about that at 3 am, but I did...

Vettespace, take a look at the top photo...that's a combat diver! My son did something with Seals while he was in the desert. Ya just never know with the Navy.