Girlfriends, Fiances,and Wives of Sailors

Mind you, I normally advise against pissing off your chief and following the rules.  However, in this case, the chief is making his own rules... and therefore is fair game to be challenged in the proper fashion.  

Thank you both SO much!! I will tell him. He said he talked to his student leader and he said he will talk to the chief so I'm just waiting to see what he says now. I understand them discouraging marriage like this but my sailor and I have been together for nearly 8 years now and were planning on getting married before he even joined the Navy! We would have done it sooner but his recruiter told us we couldn't get married before boot camp..which turned out to not be the truth either. Anyways, we have changed all our plans and have based our lives and future around the Navy so I'm just getting really frustrated with them right now!! I'm already compromising enough as it is!!

oh no!! I agree with what Anti M and Angie said! My husband's chief told him the same thing that he couldn't tell him not to get married but he could make it very hard and not let him leave base in time until Friday (which he tried to do!) Told my husband if he could convince an LPO to let him leave early one day and risk getting the LPO in trouble he could go. I have to tell my husband a lot to go in and sit down with the Chief and not leave until he gets the answers the information he needs and the right answers! If they go in knowing that they know what is supposed to happen and is respectful about it but foreceful saying that they are informed the chiefs (in my husbands experiences) have been more helpful. Hope it gets worked out for you!!!

Anti M and Angie... I just want to say thanks for all you ladies do!! TBH I would be so lost without some of the advice you have given me and others! I also like that you are honest and upfront about it! People tried to cushion me once or twice early on and I was very upset and actually in a bind because of it a few times!

Well he just texted me and told me that his student leader went and talked to the chief and we "got the go"!!!! :) So thankfully everything worked out!!! Thank yall SO very much for helping me!! Without yall telling me the rules, I would have just thought that there was nothing we could do. I really really appreciate your input and help! I'm already finding out that you can be told several different things by different people but its nice to know I have people to go to that I can trust. Thank yall for taking time out of your day to help me with my mini panic attack lol :)

Also, one more thing I was curious about. :) My boyfriend was told that we didn't have to go to the courthouse, we could just go to the chapel on base. Is there anything different between going to the courthouse in town or getting married at the chapel on base? Or does it even matter?

YAYY!! :) well either way you HAVE to go down to the courthouse and get the paperwork filled out... but they will marry you there as well so I just went ahead and got it done there just so we wouldnt have more stress added on to everything. and it gets it all done in one swoop

Oh ok!! we will probably just go to the courthouse then. It doesn't matter to me either way. Thank you!! :)

haha yea for me it was just one less thing to deal with lol! :) welcome!

Thanks Angie! My boyfriend said he will try to find out more about it.

Hey! I'm Mikhala. My fiance arrived at Great Lakes on April 24. Anyone else's leave around then?

@Mik0991-My husband left on the 24th from Oklahoma!

Isnt there different tricare plans? I just got paperwork for my ID which came with information about Tricare.. but not telling me what I specifically have... did my husband already enroll into DEERS?

There is Standard and Prime.  Most guys sign their families up for standard, the one without a premium, but higher co-pays and a lot of flexibility in doctor choice.  Prime has a small annual premium (currently $460 a year for the whole family, going up this year, but not by much), lower co-pays and you need referrals for civilian care.  I'm on Prime and even the year I had four major surgeries and a ton of doctor visits, our co-pays didn't even come up to $350.  

On base care is no charge, and if they can fill your prescriptions on base, those are free as well.  They cover pre-existing conditions.  Vision?  Sucks, they cover exams but not glasses or contacts.  Dental is another thing altogether, and it really sucks for retirees.  

You'll hear about Tricare Remote, but you have to live with your sponsor to get that, and he can't be near a base.  The point isn't not living near a base, it is not being stationed near a base.  There's an Extra too, but I didn't want to do the whole download to look at it.  

You can find a lot about Tricare online, and you can call the 800 numbers, they don't mind questions.  

If you have your ID card (or the form), you're in DEERS.  

Thanks for all the info :)

Here's the link to the Prime handbook.  I think it is interesting that they state if you're eligible for Prime, that's what you get.  Yeah, sorry about the premium mention, I forgot it is premium free for AD and families.  

http://www.tricare.mil/mybenefit/Download/Forms/Prime_TPR_HBK_unlin...

So the wait at all Navy clinics is still horrible?  Always has been.  I have no problem getting seen at our local AFB clinic.  I can get same day most of the time, and the wait once I get there is always short.  They're huge on customer service, and follow up with surveys about satisfaction with the clinic.  The Navy could learn a thing or two.

Another note: it says in the handbook a health care provider can legally copy your ID card.  

Retiree premiums should increase on the fiscal year (Oct), plus a new $5 a month charge.  Last I saw.  That's still dirt cheap for healthcare.

Ryansgirl, the recruit or the SO/family member?

I haven't heard of it posted here, but then it is a delicate subject.  I would't be able to answer many questions... I suspect you need to know how much to tell the recruit while in training, or if they'd be allowed to communicate/call.  The first is very subjective, depends on which family member and the severity of the depression.  The second question would best be answered by the RTC PAO (public affairs office).  

After all, there is not much the recruit can do.  If they go home, they don't get a second shot at the Navy.  I don't think the Navy would release a recruit for a medical crisis of a family member, even if their enlistment is a factor.

This might be a TMI question....

My husband is leaving for boot camp next Tuesday. When he originally went to MEPS for his physical the recruiter told him no "sexy time" at least 24 hours before his physical because it produces too much protein in the urine and might look bad. (I have no idea if this is right or not). I know he has to do another physical before he actually ships... so my question is when is the last time you think we can have "sexy time"? LOL Should we go with what the recruiter told us about the urine/protein thing? Sorry if this offends anyone, but I figure we are all adults here :)

Trust me I'm sure we all had a little "sexy time" before our SR's left. That doesn't do anything to their protein levels.

britt- this may be TMI too but we had "sexy time" the night before he left. His physical was fine.

The recruiter is misinformed, or bitter about not getting any.  

Recruiters tell people the stupidest things. haha. You're definitely good to do whatever you want whenever you want before he leaves. :)

Aaron's recruiter told him to break up with me before he left. He told him a story of some guy he tried to recruit and the night before he left he got laid for the first time... he made it halfway to MEPS on the bus before he changed his mind and ended up not going to boot camp because he couldn't leave his girlfriend behind. I'm definitely glad Aaron didn't listen to his recruiter on that one. :) 

Thanks for the quick responses ladies!! Do any of you happen to know about what time they usually have the swearing in ceremony? I am staying in San Diego on Monday night, so I will be there already. But his parents are driving down from Los Angeles on Tuesday morning. I just want to give them a bit of a time frame.

really Angie!? I had just read not too long ago it was ok!! (I was researching for a friend who worked at an apt complex and her boss tried to have her copy someone's ID) but it said that it only could be copied for medical purposes! That was less than two months ago! And I found it on a .mil site... hmmm. I will have to keep that in mind.. They always want to copy my ID for my insrance when I go to the doctor, I am standard btw...

B- daniel- No, he most definitely won't get in trouble. What happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. Just... don't go public with it and you'll be fine. But if you want condoms, bring your own. They don't hand them out at boot camp like they apparently do at port calls when they're on the ship. :)

One. I don't like the possibility of them getting condoms on port calls, but I guess it's better to be protected, right? Just hope (though I know it's not the case for everyone, it's only the single sailors using those)

Two. I don't know if anyone will know this, I have my sailor asking his superiors as well. I am moving to Virginia after my internship and graduation from college this summer. We plan on living together off base, until he deploys again sometime within the next yearish. We don't plan on getting married (ever, our beliefs) but I know the military is VERY marriage related. We'll be fine money wise so we don't need the extra BAH, and I already have my own insurance, and we don't have a family together yet, so all of those things aren't an issue. But as far as anything else military dependent wise, what will be not be able to do? and is there any chance he'll be able to argue our beliefs/circumstances. We've been together for a couple years, and it's definitely something we considered and talked about, actually even planned, but in the end we don't want the "legal" aspect of it, but consider ourselves to be nothing less than "husband and wife." It's not a career choice for him, but it will be an issue for the at least next 3 years, possibly reenlisting after that for another 3-4. I just want to see what the hassle will be not being "legal" military wise. THANKS!

Angie, right in the Tricare handbook, page 9:

Note: A health care provider
photocopying your ID or CAC for authorized
purposes is legal.

llinibeam13- aside from the issues you mentioned, you won't be able to get on base without him, let alone use those services (so to go to the NEX/commissary/gym/salon/whatever else they have on base there!). You won't be on his orders, so if he gets stationed overseas you won't be allowed to move with him (if he does decide to re-enlist). You won't be able to use family support services, like the ombudsmen, or employment center, or anything like that. In case he is injured or hospitalized, you won't be allowed to see him or make decisions if you need to. You can still get power of attorney I believe even if you're not married... but you would have to check into that because I'm not 100% certain on it, just something I've heard. There's a discussion here regarding gf/wife, and you should take a look at it. It has some really good information. And no, your boyfriend will NOT be able to argue your beliefs/circumstances. In the Navy, you are either single or married, they don't care about your beliefs.

Not a chance he can "argue" his beliefs about marriage.  The Navy won't care.  He can talk until he is blue, you still won't exist to the Navy.

It isn't just the money, it is your access to him.  If he is injured and goes to the base hospital, you have no access, physically or in regards to information. If he is arrested and detained on base, you have no access.  If he is deployed, and something happens to you, he has no recourse to come to you.  The Red Cross would not inform him if you were hurt or if you died, you are not family.  You can't go pick him up after work on base. He can give your name and info to the ombudsman and the Family Readiness Group, but you cannot utilize most of the assistance a spouse has while their sailor is deployed.  That includes homecoming information.  If there is a problem with his pay while he is deployed, you cannot handle it for him.  The military clause in the lease won't apply to you.  You're cutting yourself off from a LOT more than money.  Yes, it is a huge hassle for the SO who is not a spouse. 

So sign a prenuptial agreement that if either of you wants to dissolve the marriage, it is done "XYZ" and is finished, to be renegotiated between you two when his service is finished.  

well those are definitely some good points. Doesn't change what I believe, ha we don't even call ourselves "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." I have good communication with his mom and family,  so I don't worry about that.. and I will have my own life outside of the base with school and stuff, so I guess not being apart of the "scene" doesn't bother me too much. It's unfortunate that our society and especially our military, works this way, but I do understand that they want to make sure they don't just let anyone be able to access those special privileges. It's definitely not enough for me to worry about it for this contract, since much of it I will be in school getting my masters anyways, and he will be deployed for a portion of it as well. But if he reenlists, it's definitely something to think about, but I would hate to compromise my beliefs based on his career choice, not that we might not run into issues in the civilian world eventually as well.. BUT JESS, ABUON thanks so much for the info! I really appreciate it! I'll let him know. 

Not that I'm rabidly pro-marriage, I think any combination of happy, safe consenting adults should be able to make whatever arrangements please them.  However, I know the Navy, and I know a spouse has status, whereas any other person is 100% excluded.  

As for beliefs... well, I believe in flexibility outside my main convictions, which are obviously not traditional!

Thanks Anti M! ugh, that's hard to argue. But my beliefs are more important to stick to. We'll figure it out...but I do appreciate the info immensely. It's definitely going to be a lot harder than I originally thought, just being what everyone else would call a "girlfriend". I'll let him know everything that you guys said and see what his response is. Military sure doesn't make it easy for those of us who are different than "society." not that I think ANYTHING is wrong with marriage at all! I just know it will not be for me, and know that we will lead happier lives not having that status, we are already happier as a couple since dissolving the "girlfriend" label. 

Yes I figured this, I guess I just didnt realize to what degree I would be excluded.  Thanks EVERYONE for not preaching to me, but rather giving me very valuable information! I know we're different and I hate having to argue why we have chosen this. But its definitely something to think about for the next contract if he decides to stay in it, and if children come along. 

Do the paperwork drill then ignore it?  I know, my brand of practicality is annoying.  

I'm an old married lady because it is easy for us.  We're too jealous to do the open marriage or polyamory life.  But neither of us have moral objections to any choices adults make which do not endanger anyone.  Involve kids and the entire picture changes.  

I'm not making assumptions about your beliefs, just trying to explain my background.

I'm sorry I'm not sure what you're trying to say (Anit M) paperwork drill then ignore it? 

We are completely monogamous. I only want to be with him, there's no one else, hasn't been for years, don't plan on there ever being. Just don't want the "papers". I even promised him that one day I'd take his last name, and our kids would be his as well. I wont subjet them to hyphens ha.

Yeah, it comes across badly online.  I have many friends who live in many different arrangements, from traditional marriage, to interesting multiple partnerships.  Papers are irrelevant to their lives, often because papers don't fit what they are living.  However, some have married to consolidate resources for their children.

Get married, but don't take the name or wear the rings, or use the words such as husband and wife to describe what you are living.  Think of it as an insurance  policy, not an eternal vow?  You're already committed, if the "paper" is that irrelevant, why give it so much importance that it must be avoided at all costs? My take on it is that  it is what you make of it.

This would be a lot better discussed in person!

If you can't tell, I find this type of discussion fascinating.  

haha I agree, much better in person, where you can completely tell someone your intentions. I agree, people will do with what they will with their lives and as long as it works for them, it isn't anyone else's business. I have no problem with anyone else's choices, because it doesn't directly affect my life.              Yes, I'm not in multiple relationships, but at the same time every argument can be flipped and argued the opposite. Obviously no right or wrong answer to something like this. Its definitely something I do not want to consider while there is no reason to legally combine our lives... but of course I am not saying I will avoid it at all costs, circumstances may change (especially children) but I just wanted to know for the near future what it will entail. It's like the philosophy class that I'm taking, everyone is going to have their opinions, I love it because I LOVE hearing everyone else's point of view on subjects like these. You're not going to convince someone to see things your way (most likely) but its still worth hearing what everyone else has to add to the discussion:)

LOL, I wanted to major in philosophy.

You'll need a good POA and all the hippa paperwork.  (there's those papers again...) When he deploys, you'll rely heavily on the ombudsman.  Hope you have a good one who is understanding.  Some do terrific jobs, but are not willing to work well with non-spouses.

Alright, well I'm sure we can make it work in those terms and everything else we will figure out.. but I am a little upset about not being able to use the services like the NEX and the commissary... he took me to the NEX and it was pretty darn awesome, especially the one in NORFOLK. But I guess I'll just either use him to do that stuff, or I will find other places to get those things. N biggie. While we were there, obviously I'm guessing we were lucky.. but I paid, and he didn't get asked for his ID.. I'm guessing that's not normal, and I know if I was alone of course I'd have to have my own. DARN.                               If worse comes to worse, his mom and I will just have to get extra close haha. 

lllinibeam-yeah I think you were lucky! We always get asked for our IDs at the NEX and the commissary (although I try to avoid the commissary like the plague lol I hate going there!) Anyway, if he was staying in the Navy for the long term I would  highly suggest you get married, because it would make the rest of your lives so much easier but since he is only staying in for this enlistment and maybe another one, I think it will be tough but you'll be able to muddle through. Like Anti M said, everyone defines relationships in their own way. It doesn't make you any less committed if you're NOT married but unfortunately because of the cost of all the benefits the Navy does require that paper!