Am I the only mom who isn't happy?

[ProudMomHappy]

My son will be leaving soon and I am finding it difficult to say the word Navy.

I am not proud of his choice to drop out of college to join the Navy. I am not looking forward to getting letters of this broken sprit and gradually receiving letter after he regains self esteem.

I think basic training is cruel and emotional abuse so they can tear them down to built them back up again. I don't understand it.

My sons father was in the military when we married and had our son. It didn't take long before we divorced because he was mean and a drunk. The stress he couldn't handle and I grew tired of the saying, "If the military wanted me to have a family they would of issued me one"

Graduation... I don't think I can go. I don't want to see my son as this man. He is already a man and a damn good one now. It will break my heart to see him.

Am I alone here? I have read a lot about the excitement and getting phone calls and letters ect. Everyone is so happy but I don't know how to be happy about any of it!

[BunkerQB]

My sons are my sons, regardless of their choice of careers or choice of women they want in their lives. Our job, my husband's (their father) and mine, is to support them in whatever way they need and however we can.

1. Our older son joined the Navy after graduating from college. His choice. He did his research, he did all the follow up.  He left the Navy after his commitment was up because he and his fiancee (wife now) decided military life was not for them. Their choice. He didn't have a job lined when he left. His father and I would have been more conservative. He found a job within one month. He has now moved on to another job. He is in control. He and his wife make decisions that are the best for them. It's the way we brought our sons up to be - to be responsible adults. We offer advice when asked. We send him articles which we think apply to his career and job but we don't interfere. 
2. Our younger son is fearless. He attended the United States Military Academy for two years (Army). I was not thrilled. With the conflicts in the Middle East, we knew we would be in the front line. We were supportive when he was accepted.  We were equally supportive when he decided to leave the Academy and walk away from an education equivalent to Ivy League college (free) and a great career in the Army.  To say nothing of the prestige. His path since the departure from the Academy has not been straight forward. In fact, it has been difficult at times. He had meandered all over the place - costing us lots of money on many occasions.  We have had our share of heartaches. But we still support his decision to walk away.  Our job is to be supportive (in every way possible) even when we think they are making a mistake, or have not thought out all the consequences. He knows and appreciates that we have his back. It took me a long time to figure out this child. He has made some pretty good career moves for the last several years and things are looking great. He couldn't be happier. We couldn't be happier. 

You are going to have ups and downs with your son. You need to separate his father's traits from his involvement with the military. He is (was) the way he is (was) because it's his DNA that is showing up.  Your husband wouldn't be any different in any other situation.

I would recommend that you express your feelings to your son but at the same time reassure him that you love and support him regardless of his decision.  This is the only thing that is important. Let go of the past. Let go of your anger with your ex-husband. Concentrate on the time you have left with your boy. If you can not do that, then you stand a chance of losing your son.  

Best of luck.

BTW, bootcamp (OCS) was not big deal for either of my sons. I doubt if they'll be able to "break" your son either. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine.

[JustJo]

To the "unhappy Mom",
It's never easy to let go of a child to serve in our military. As a mother of two active duty members and a spouce, I know the fear, heart break and missing them. I also know and see the pride, joy and hard work they expeirence with every accomplishment and the new bonds they create with others. It is a brotherhood/sisterhood like no other and one that lasts a lifetime. If your sailor/soldier/marine or airman does not have family support it will make his life very dificult. He doesn't need that, he needs to know you embrace his choice, respect him for making this decision and regardless, your love will never waiver. Be proud of your son and he will excel.

[scubagirl]

Well said ladies. We have to let our children make their decisions even if we do not agree. They need to know we love and support them even we we disgree with them. It is hard but it is necessary.

[Coach Shelia]

NotHappy, sending prayers your way. I can understand how you are feeling. My son was unsure of going to college, but when I took him to recruiting office myself...he showed confidence! I just sat back in prayer, taking him weekly for six months DEP, and seeing him so excited to see where his decision was taking him! I am an Army veteran, and just encouraged him to go further than I went in the military. I still stay in prayers for ALL our military. I've learned to let go and let him make decisions. Not saying it's been easy either.I just know he's been more places in such a short time! Take care of yourself and always know he loves his Mama no matter where or what direction the Navy takes him.We are here for you!

[My2kidz]

I am extremely disheartened by your posting. A parent's job is to love and support your child. They make decisions and have to face the consequences for those decisions. My son is leaving soon as well but I couldn't be prouder of him or happier for him. He did finally graduate from college but it was a grind and his grades were not great. He had no idea what he wanted and I worried so much about him. Now he is focused on his future, he is healthier and happier than he has been in a really long time. I of course worry about him and fear for his safety, but will never be anything but supportive of his decision. You need to make this a lot less about you and a lot more about him. Your anger and lack of interest in your son's goals and happiness must be very hard for him.

[BunkerQB]

It'll be interesting to hear your views AFTER PIR when you see your son in his uniform and when you see him hold himself with confidence and purpose. For many with the right college degree and technical background, getting a job is a snap. For others who studied liberal arts, sociology (non technical majors, other than accounting), finding a job after finally getting the college degree could be a real challenge. We know many highly educated workers at Starbucks and Enterprise Rent-a-Car.  

The Navy (regardless of their job) gives these young men and women a purpose in life for the foreseeable future - is that wonderful?  Along the way, they get exposure to new places, people, career training and they learn discipline and work as a team. 

It very possible that your son would like to have some space between him and you and his father.  My husband has been a family law specialist for 40 years. Often, the children just want to get away from everyone, especially if the wife (mom) and husband (dad) are fighting within the legal system and on a on-going basis.  My husband often recommends that the kids go off to college away from family. Additionally, he recommends that the parties to refrain from saying anything bad about the opposing party, even if it is true, especially if it is true. The kids know. They don't want to be caught in the middle. They always get caught up in the draft when there is a blast of anger.  You have to be very careful here because half of your son's DNA is from his father. It's best to keep your criticism in check. 

Having seen many divorce situations because of my husband's work, I am very sympathetic to your situation. Without knowing the details but with a good understanding of human nature, you probably have cause for your anger. 

Your son, along with all the young men and women, are our future. We have to do everything we can to make sure they have a promising future ahead of them.

[ProudMomHappy]

I thank everyone for their input. Everyone has some very valid points but I also realize maybe I am alone in being angry for his choice.  Regardless I will continue to love my son but I don't have to approve of his decision.  If I may point out a few take-a-ways from several peoples responses.  Each of you took time to share your feelings with me therefore I feel it necessary to respond:

BunkerQB:  I completely understand children in divorce situations.  His father and I have been divorced 20 years and haven't lived in the same state.  Even with the distance I know at times tension would affect my son.  Over the years we have had our times at failures of protecting him from our differences, but also shown him positive times.  But very true divorce is painful for children.  

My2kidz: It is a parents job to love and support our children, but that doesn't mean we have to support every decision they make.  Three months ago my son was dead set against the Navy.  His friend tried to get him to join on the buddy system.  His friend graduates and suddenly he is off to basic.  Dropping out of college and now committing the next 8 years to something he didn't want to do 3 months ago.  As his mother I just have a hard time jumping into supporting something I don't think he has really thought hard about or wanted more than a few weeks.  I am working on realizing that this is happening and trying to show interest but it's a process.  I have to grieve the path he was on in order to embrace this new journey.

Barb 5: As sarcastic as you were I don't blame you.  You do not feel how I am feeling so how could you relate?  You can't.  If you noticed I am on this site so I can learn and can come to a better understanding of this whole "Navy" decision he has made. I am obviously here to try to find comfort from maybe another mother who has the same feeling I am trying to develop a support network. Maybe someone feels the same as me and we find can find comfort and something positive.  Also for the record I do respect those to keep my "ass" safe.  I can honor the military but still feel its not the best choice for my son.

Scubagirl:  Thank you!

Coach Shelia:  Thank you.  Prayers are what I need.  Thank you for the kind words and just thank you for not judging me.  Thank you.

Just Jo:  I hear everything you are saying and I am working towards that space where I can be proud.  I  know he will excel in whatever he does.  And I am working towards being able to see the positive in his decision.

Judy r: Thank you for your post.  My bond is so close I don't believe I will lose him.  I have explained to him that he sprung this on me so quickly how can I not question his dreams when he wanted nothing to do with the military.  For six years his father has tried to convince him to join.  He isn't a younger man making this decision.  He didn't have a passion to join since he was younger.  He took a year off school to work in another country. Have invested so much in to college that it is just a disappointment to see him take this path.  

In closing.... I get the general consensus that people feel like my lack of support means either I will lose him or its my job to support him in whatever he decides to do.  I don't really know if I believe that.  I think I should be allowed to be unhappy, disappointed, and angry.  All of those emotions don't reflect if I love my son or not. It's just that I am being honest about how I feel.  Feelings do change.  I'm sure as this process goes on I will learn more, become proud but just because I don't feel like that now doesn't reflect his short or long term success.  I haven't had any positive experiences with the military so it will take time to see the positive.  Thank you to everyone that responded.  I took away a little bit of knowledge and insight from each post.  I can't believe I am the only unhappy mom...just maybe the first to be so forward with my feelings. 

[ProudMomHappy]

Brenda Kay:  Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.  I knew I wasn't the only one out there.  Somehow my son got sucked into 8 (6 active, 2 reserve).  He will be 30 before he is out.  My fear is that he made this choice so quickly and he will regret it.  I have always fixed everything, but mama can't fix this one.  Raised him for 19 years as a single mom and he is my best friend.  I fear he will regret this and will live years being unhappy.  But thank you for not making me feel so alone with my thoughts.  Good will come out of this...sometimes it just takes a bit for the ocean to calm to see the water clearly. (Have to start sailor talk)

[Greenelie]

My opinion, you're not angry at the Navy or upset with your son.  You're still angry at his father.  If he was a creep you say he was, you have every right be angry with him.  But realize that is what it is.  It has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with your ex husband.

There is nothing more satisfying as a parent than seeing your child accomplish their dreams.  That's what we spend 18+ years hoping they will learn to do.  Hoping that we have given them a solid foundation in which they feel confident enough to chase their dreams.  Your son obviously felt that love and support from you, or he wouldn't have chosen to change his plans and follow his heart.  You did that.  Not the ex husband.  

[My2kidz]

There is much to be said about airing your feelings in a safe place. And I truly respect your thoughtful response to everyone's comments. I am also divorced although only a few years. I do understand the pull between the parents. My son also never expressed an interest in the military even though we have several career military people in my family who are wonderful husbands and fathers. His interest came out of the blue to me and I can't say I was happy. Neither is his father (more because he had helped to pay for 5 years of college than out of any fear for his safety but nevertheless, he also was not overjoyed.) What I, and I think many others here, are trying to say, is that the Navy may not be his career. Even with an eight year commitment (which my son also made by the way) they are not exactly going to be over the hill when they are done. There are many skills to be learned (both life and career) in the Navy that he can use outside of the service. He will also have access to money to complete his educations should he so choose. In the end, he has made a choice and signed on the dotted line. You can rail against it all you like, but personally I choose to encourage him to work hard and do well. I have found that the more dead set I am against something, the harder it is for him to admit maybe it wasn't a good idea. If he thinks you are against him, he may not reach out to you if he struggles a bit. But if he feels you are there for him, you can help him to reach his goals (even if they are not the dreams you believe he had.) Good luck, I wish you and your son nothing but the best.