Blogging to keep my SANITY !!!!!

[Invisible12]

I've never blogged before except for posting a blog on N4M the day that our beautiful ARMED FORCES took down OSAMA BIN LADEN......

 

Now, my personal story ....... a story of emotions, denial and pride.  It's a day-to-day struggle getting used to having a child in the Navy.  He is the first in our family to join any branch of the military and so learning everything-military has been quite challenging.

 

In 2006 my son was in high school he came home and said "Ma, I want to join the Army."  My first reaction was - "No way, forget it!"  Honestly, for about a year after that I threw away any mail he received at home relating in any way to the military. 

 

Then I figured I was safe - he had forgotten about it.

 

In June of 2010, after he worked all day, he came home and said a friend of his wants to join the Army and "I'm going with him to the recruiter's office to get more information."  My heart sank and I told him that if he wants to go get information, then I'll go with him and that he should go to all branches and then make an informed decision. 

 

Long story short - he chose the Navy (which was my choice for him.)  Why was it my choice for him?  Besides the fact that Anthony needs structure and needs to feel part of a team to be motivated, he loves to travel.  So who better to travel with then the UNITED STATES NAVY.

 

When we met with his recruiters (who I absolutely adore) they told him he was too heavy and needed to lose 20 lbs and some inches before he could become a depper.  When I say that my son needs to be motivated - I'm not kidding.  He's one of the laziest kids out there.  So it took him 8 long months to lose 20 lbs and some inches.  TALK ABOUT LAZY.....He finally signed his DEP papers in February 2011 and got his September 15, 2011 ship date for bootcamp.

 

Being in DEP for 7 months was like living in hell.  It's a 7 month long good-bye.  Brutal.  Draining.  Depressing.  I spent 7 months planning his goodbye party.  It was the only way I could keep my sanity.  I know that doesn't really make any sense but it kept my mind preoccupied so I didn't have to think of him leaving.

 

September 10, 2011 - the party was absolutely awesome.  Such a touching night to see how many people truly adore my son and appreciate the sacrifice he has chosen to make.

 

September 11, 2011 - A DAY TO REMEMBER

 

September 12, 2011 my son spent much of his time running around doing last minute stuff and saying his last goodbyes.  Plus it was also his last day training with his personal trainer.  (Oh - I didn't tell you that I made him hire a personal trainer a month before he left because I was soooooo scared he wouldn't be able to do the run/push ups/sit ups, etc. at BC)

 

September 13, 2011.  The last night he slept home in his bed.  I tried to have one last "chat" with him before bed but we both realized that I didn't have anything else to say that I hadn't already said a million times over the past 7 months.  So I just looked at him and told him how proud of him I was and that I loved him very much.  When I got choked up and said that "I'm crying because I'm going to miss you", he said "yeah, but this is the normal way of life.....you move on"  I got annoyed for a minute and then said "You're right.....but I'm your mom and I'm going to miss you."  Then we hugged and I kissed him and realized at that moment that he was a man.  After all - he is 22.

 

September 14, 2011.  HIs recruiter picked him up at the house at 11:30 and off to MEPS they went.  After signing tons of paperwork they set him up at the hotel, gave him dinner and he worked out and was told to get to bed early because he had to be up at 4am to go back to MEPS and then off to the airport.  I was talking and texting with him throughout the day.  He was hungry but not really that tired.

 

SEPTEMBER 15, 2011

 

We arrived at MEPS at 9:00.  The swearing-in ceremony took place at 10:30 and lasted about 20 minutes.  We got to spend about 30 more minutes with him before they called him out to jump on the van and off to the airport.  I hugged him tight and told him I loved him and to call when he could.  Walking away from that van was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I'm so thankful he didn't seem scared or nervous in any way.  Just anxious.  I don't think I could've walked away otherwise. 

 

My husband and my son's girlfriend were there as well (sometimes I forget that I'm not the only one who loves and is going to miss my son.)  I guess I can be quite self-centered when it comes to that.  My husband is pretty broken up over this as are my parents.  My younger son (14) is putting on a brave front but I think he's already missing him.

 

So, getting back to THAT day ...... his flight was at 3pm and after some delays arrived Chicago O'Hare at around 6pm.  He called and told me they were going to be hanging around the airport until other recruits from around the country arrive so they could all head off to GL together.  Well, at 11pm he texts that they're still at the airport.  I tell him to call me but he doesn't.  So at 11:20 I call him and it goes right to voice mail.  He texts me saying "on the bus - can't talk"  Then I knew he was finally on his way........that the next call would be "THE CALL."

 

12:21 AM - He calls and I was sooooo happy that it wasn't scripted as I've read most of them are.  We were able to talk for 2 mins. and he said "well, you already know you'll be getting the box and form letter" and so we were just able to talk and laugh.  I asked if they were getting yelled at yet and he laughed and said a little bit but not too bad.  It got really loud in the background and he said he had to go.  I said I love you and call when you can.

 

I still haven't cried.  Maybe a few tears here and there but I'm numb.  Or, like a friend of mine says, maybe you've prepared yourself for this, you've done enough crying over the last 7 months to last a lifetime, that maybe you've accepted his choice and are able to move forward.  Maybe she's right.  I don't know.  The range of emotions I feel is indescribable.  I'll have to come back to that - the emotions - they have a life of their own.

 

Now it is the end of day 2 since he's been in BC.  My husband and I went away overnight to just get away and avoid me getting into bed, hiding under the covers and never coming out.  I suffer with depression so my family is on high-alert (LOL) and my doctor to make sure I don't slip into the abyss.  Getting away was the best thing I could've done. I had to just unwind from this whirlwind experience that I'm still trying to grasp. 

 

How had my little, beautiful son grown up so fast, become a man and join the Navy?  I don't know. 

 

But now I must focus on the next 8 weeks of BC and plan for his PIR.  I wouldn't have made it this far without N4M.  This site is a Godsend.  It has kept me going with all the loving support and advice and I needed to be taught all-things military.  It's a whole new world for my son, myself and my family.

 

As I started by saying earlier - I have no idea if this is a blog or just my way of whining and feeling sorry for myself but I figured what the heck???? If it keeps me busy and helps heal my hurting heart, then I'll keep doing it.  And if I can help someone else in the process, then that's an added bonus.

 

Do I begin now on the "emotional rollercoaster" ride?  Let's see, does fear, anger, sorrow, depression, anxiety, but most of all pride even begin to describe the range of emotions?  I don't think so.  You kinda wonder how you could feel so many different things about one subject.  But I guess when it's your child this is the biggest "subject" there is.  The decision to join the military is huge.  I can't speak for most kids of course but I think alot of kids have no idea what they're getting themselves into.  I even started my first discussion on N4M entitled "Help, I think my future recruit is in denial."  That scared me the most - that he would get there and have that dreaded fear in him and say to himself "what the hell did I do?  I want to go home."   After all the responses I got from that discussion I learned that most kids don't know what they're in for until they get there.  It's like everything else.  You don't know what something is like until you walk in those shoes.  I've learned quite a lot since that first discussion.

 

Most importantly, I've learned that my son is now a man.  I've raised him well and I have to hope and pray that he makes it through BC without any problems.  I'm trying to deal with the fact that home life as we knew it will forever be different now and that's hard.  So many different things that now I'm starting to cry as I type. 

 

ME......who hasn't really cried yet.  ME......who hasn't allowed herself to feel much of anything. 

 

Now, I have to stop because I can't let myself cry - - -  not yet!  Don't think I can handle it yet.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 3 - September 18, 2011

 

This was the first day I broke down...of course it wasn't until nighttime rolled around and there was nothing left to busy myself with.  I was folding his laundry and came across his shirt that he wore to his going away party.  That just hit me.  I MISS HIM SOOOOO MUCH.  I just keep picturing what he's doing, how he's feeling and the thought of him feeling sad, depressed, lonely and God knows what else, is breaking my heart.  Of course, he could be happy.  Tired of course and maybe a little overwhelmed, but he could very well be just fine.  Why can't I focus on that?  On the positive.  Why always on the negative?

 

I'm really sad.  I know all the moms on N4M are going through the same thing, or have already gone through it, but why do I feel all alone?  Just another question I can't answer.

 

Tomorrow is another day.  Maybe it'll get better, maybe not.  I feel broken right now.  Saying a prayer for my son, my child, and for me...that I will feel better as the days go on.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 4 - September 19, 2011

 

Today is a better day... I got my son's address and PIR date.  11/10/11.  Might get an extra day with him at PIR because he's graduating on Thursday instead of Friday because of Veterans Day, so hopefully he still won't leave until Saturday or maybe Sunday and then I'd have a couple of extra days with him.  God I hope so!

 

I have to force myself to get off now and go to bed.  1:20 a.m. and I can't sleep.  I'm addicted to N4M.

 

Good Night All.....Maybe tomorrow I'll get the "Box"

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 11 - September 26, 2011

 

Boy, it's been awhile.  Didn't think I was going to make it.  This week was sooooo hard.  I received "the box" on Sept. 20th, 5 days after he left and I FINALLY received his form letter today.  Thank God I had gotten his address from his recruiter so I've been sending letters but I really needed to see his handwriting on that letter.  I hadn't really cried....little bits here and there but last night I lost it.  It was the first time we'd gone to family for dinner and not having him there just didn't feel right.  The whole way home in the car I knew the flood gates were going to open but they didn't.  Then I got home and started folding laundry (his laundry) and that was all she wrote !!!!!!  I broke down like a sobbing ragdoll.  My younger son (14) saw me literally break down into my husband's arms and he turned around and walked out of the room....LOL.  He didn't know what to do with himself.   He's probably never seen me cry.

 

I was so upset that I hadn't gotten the letter yet and other moms were getting theirs and their SR had left after mine. Then today while at work my younger son called and said "A LETTER CAME FROM _______ DO YOU WANT ME TO OPEN IT AND READ IT TO YOU?"  "Nooooo way," I said, and I couldn't get home fast enough.  Just seeing his handwriting on that envelope was the medicine I needed.  Then reading those 4 lines from him was just pure joy.

 

This letter will keep me going now until I get the real letter or phone call.  I hope it'll keep me going. LOL.  I'm still having trouble going to sleep.  I find myself walking around the house, from room to room, feeling very uneasy like something is missing.  SOMETHING IS MISSING.  SOMEONE IS MISSING.  I miss him so badly it hurts. 

 

Nobody understands the feelings.  People look at me like I'm being ridiculous....tell me I should just make believe he went away to college, or moved away, or got married and moved out.  Someone even tried to compare it to when her kids go away to camp for the summer and she doesn't see them for 8 wks.  Could you imagine the comparison??????  Some people (although sometimes well-meaning) just really piss me off.  It's like I have to explain why I'm upset.  Then I just shut my mouth, laugh at them and say "you could never understand."

 

UGH.  This experience is stressful enough without feeling like I have to justify my feelings to people. 

 

Okay, I've wasted enough time venting.  So, I am grateful that I received his letter today.  He must've known I really needed it.  LOL. 

 

Now, I get to stay up late again for another night printing pictures, jokes, etc., so I can send them to my SR and tell him how much we love him and how proud of him we are. 

 

I must say that blogging is very cathartic.  I don't express myself well out loud....but here I can say what I want, when I want and most of all - tell my son I couldn't be more proud.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 12 - September 27, 2011

 

OMG !!!!!!  HE CALLED ME TODAY !!!!  We talked for about 10 minutes.  He needed to get some info for security clearance purposes and I managed to sneek in a few questions.  He sounded absolutely normal...he said everything was fine and that the RDCs yell louder than me!!!  LOL.  He hasn't gotten any mail yet so I told him to be on the lookout - he'd be getting plenty.  His response was "Mom, I have no room to keep anything.  I have a tiny drawer."  I told him I sent him a larger envelope for him to keep his mail in and that would fit in his drawer.  In his typical fashion - he actually sounded annoyed at me!  LOL.  They were just starting IT and he didn't have to get his wisdom teeth pulled.  Awesome.  He sounded totally unphased by the whole thing.  LOL.

 

I'm just so happy today - like I'm walking on air.  Now I can be strong until the next letter or phone call.  YAY :)

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 13 - September 28, 2011

 

I actually wasn't going to write today but Bernice, a fellow mom, inspired me to do so.  It seems like the more I talk to people, the angrier I get (not you Bernice - others).  I know people mean well and they don't know what to say, but it's gotten to the point where I just don't want to talk about it to anyone anymore (except when I come here.)  There a few people in my life, while they truly can't understand what I'm going through because they've never experienced, who are there for me to cry on their shoulder just because they truly love me and my son and so they don't want to see me hurting and certainly don't want to see my son being put in any kind of danger.  Those are the few people that I talk to now.  Others, I don't even bother with because I just get angry.  I have enough emotions to deal with right now and I don't want to waste my energy being angry with ignorance.

 

Today I spent most of the day researching airlines and airports to fly into.  Pretty much all of my days revolve around my SR.  Granted, I do work and I do have a husband, another 14 yr old son, 3 dogs and 3 cats, to keep me busy but those are distractions right now.  My husband and son are very understanding of what I'm going through so they've been wonderful.  They know I can't focus on anything else right now.

 

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with this whole experience so far, is the pride I feel for my son, the comfort in knowing he will absoutely love being a Sailor,  but at the same time be so sad, scared, worried, full of anxiety and plain old depressed.  It's a hard thing to reconcile.  Knowing that life as we knew it will forever be changed (not for the worse) but just different, very different.  Not different like if they were getting married and moving away and not different if he went away to college.  Different because he'll be very far away, at times I won't know where he is until he's back, there'll will be times when we can't communicate at all.  Scary that God forbid something happens to him while he's out there - we won't know until some time after the fact that all the while we thought he was fine - just out of reach.

 

Maybe I am being ridiculous. Maybe I'm being too dramatic but that's why I'm here.  You can't compare yourself to other people and how they handle things.  Everyone has a right to think and feel how they will and it doesn't make them or me wrong.  Just makes us people who are different.  So for now I have to deal with my different because for me that's all that matters.  Good night for now.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 14 - September 29, 2011

 

Wow...It's been 2 whole weeks since he left.  While the time really has gone by quickly, it still seems like he's been gone forever.  His girlfriend got a letter from him today.  He wrote to wish her a happy birthday.  He's so sweet.  I have to say (keep a secret!!!) that I was a little jealous.  I really want a letter but I was happy that he thought of her.  It meant a lot to her.  After all, I was lucky enough to get a call from him so I'm counting my blessings.

 

I booked our flights today.  Now I'm getting excited.  Still worried that something will happen but that's just my negatism speaking.  I have to stay positive.  I know he can do this.  I know he can do whatever they throw at him, it just hurts me to think of him struggling in any way.  I know, I know....he's not a baby, he'll be fine.  But I'm his mom and even if he were 40 I'd still feel the same way!  Some things just don't change.

 

Tomorrow is another day.....another day closer to seeing my son as a MAN.  WOW.

 

 I'LL BE BACK

 

End of Day 15 - September 30, 2011

 

So, another day closer to seeing my son.  His phone call kept me happy and going for the past couple of days but now I'm starting to get sad again.  I saw his girlfriend today.  She was so happy to get a letter from him and I was happy for her.  But I have to admit it made me sad.  I know that's crazy but I can't help it.  I'm just very mopey today.  I'm hating my job and I think I'm PMSing......UGH.  I'm still writing to him every day and it seems like its so far away.  At some point, instead of me counting the days that he's be gone, I'll start counting the days til I see him again.  I'm making this a short one today.  I'm making myself depressed just typing it.  LOL......I certainly don't want to depress anyone else.  Maybe tomorrow it'll be better.  Good night!

 

 I'LL BE BACK

 

Day 16 - October 1, 2011

 

WOW.....YIPPEEEEEE !!!!!!!  Received my first real letter today.  OMG when I saw that letter in the mailbox it was like Christmas morning.  He said his RDC's were pretty cool and that P-Days had just ended.  He misses his bed (and he was always complaining how uncomfortable his bed was...LOL) and he also misses us.  The hardest thing for me to read was, he said he wasn't going to give up because this is what he wants to do and for the first time in his life he wants to accomplish something important.  OPEN THE FLOOD GATES....Cried like a baby.  I wish I could just give him a hug.  So I'll write a letter sending hugs and kisses and telling him I couldn't be prouder.

 

 I'LL BE BACK

 

Day 18 - October 3, 2011

 

I found today to be a stressful one.  Some "members" really just pissing me off  - the fact that I even have to think twice about coming here and talking about how much I'm missing my son today because undoubtedly there will be those certain "members" trying to spew their crap, really urks me.

 

I just miss my son ALOT.  Apparently some guys in the division are having trouble playing by the rules and so they were given IT and three demerits.  I know this happens and this is how they learn to work as a team, but it doesn't make it any easier when all you want to do is be there and tell them it's going to be okay.  It's our instinct as mothers to be there and take care of them, even when we know in our heads that they are men now and we've done our job.  It's our heart that rules us!!!!  I don't know about you but my heart usually wins.....LOL.  Just another step we have to take along this journey. 

 

I'm almost scared to get another letter.  I'm scared I might read that he's miserable and wants to come home.  I won't be able to do anything.  Of course, I'll write and tell him that he can and will do it.  That he'll be fine.  That this is only 8 short weeks and that it's almost over.  I'll tell him all the right things and then I'll cry.  And cry.  And cry.

 

On the other hand, in his next letter he might tell me he's doing great.  That it's difficult but he's handling it and that it's not so bad.  Of course this is what I'm praying for.  I'm just scared.  That's all.  Everything scares me.  I don't scare easily - EVER....but this is scary for me.  I guess the feeling of being helpless.  If my son needs me, I can't be there for him.  That scares the hell out of me.

 

So here I'll pray for my letter to come this week, and at the same time be dreading it! 

 

This has to get easier.....

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

Day 19 - October 4, 2011

 

Boy, I must be PMSing because I'm in such a rotten mood.  Not really rotten, but I'm starting to feel as sad as I felt right after my son left.  I was doing better.  After I got his letter I was doing great.  It feels like now I'm crashing down from that high.  That sounds so bad but it's the only way I can explain it.  I really need to know that he's ok.  I'll be so upset if I don't get a letter this week.  I have to say that in the short time I've been a Mom here, I've "met" some really wonderful people.  Ones that I know if we lived closer we'd be great friends.  It's special to have a bond like this with other women.  Because truly there is no one that understands the way these moms do.

 

I have a bad habit of thinking down the line, into the future, and worrying way too far in advance about things that I have no control over or whether or not they'll even happen. But I'm already starting to do that.  It's like a sickness that I have. LOL.  So, I'm going to go to bed now because that is a subject for another day!!!!

 

Love to all of you WONDERFUL MOMS!!!!

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

Day 20 - October 5, 2011

 

So starting Monday (random day) I'm going to start the countdown to how many days left until I get to see my son.  No more focusing on how many days he's been gone. 

 

I finally booked our hotel.  So now that's 2 down and 1 to go.  Did the hotel and air - next is the car.  I love making travel arrangements.  Hate spending money I don't have but this the best money I'll ever spend.  I really can't wait.  Soooo excited!!

 

Tomorrow is Thursday and if I'm going to get a letter it should be tomorrow.  I know, I know, I shouldn't expect to get one every week. I know I should just be thankful when I do get one but who can help it.  I know all about the Moms who stalk the mailman...LOL.  I think that's great.  Sooo funny.  But yes I will be upset if I don't get one.  Especially if his girlfriend gets one and not me!!!!   ha ha ha.

 

I also spoke to my son's recruiter today.  He was calling to check in on me; see how I was holding up and whether or not I had heard anything.  He's such a great guy.  We got to know each other real well because of the simple fact that my son was a depper for sooooo long and I was always running into the office if I didn't like something, or if I had questions, and arguing back and forth to make sure he got the IT rate that he wanted.  Funny stuff.....I drove those poor guys nuts.  Now we laugh about it.  I've apologized to them a million times. Even sent them a fresh fruit basket to thank them for putting up with me.  Their response is now that my son has left they're going to move their offices so I can't find them anymore.  LOL  They really are a great bunch of guys.

 

I'm not even going to talk about my mood today.  I've been up and down all day so it's not worth getting into.  Boy, I would really love to get a letter tomorrow.  ha ha ha.  Gotta try and get some sleep.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

Day 21 - October 6, 2011

 

Got 3 letters today!  Whooo hoooo....one of them was his life insurance papers, one was a regular letter and the other was the answers to my questionnaire I sent him.  It was really funny.  He sounds a little cranky. He has blisters on both feet (warned him about that), he's got a cold and he hates the bed-making thing.  Typical guy. I feel much better today now that I got letters.  He failed his PFA but passed his swim test and he's section leader.  Sounds pretty good to me.

 

I must really be PMSing because I'm just really cranky myself.  I'd really love to talk to him.  This is a short one.  Gotta go.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 7, 2011  33 MORE DAYS

 

Well I decided to do the countdown today instead of Monday.  No better time than the present!  I GET TO SEE MY SON IN 33 DAYS.....I'm psyched.

 

You know, I really love this site.  There's such a wealth of information and the love, support and guidance you find here is immeasurable.  I am so thankful to be a member and I hope I can be of help to others some day (when I'm not wallowing in my own self-pity...LOL)  Boy I'm just cracking myself up right now. 

 

But all kidding aside, MOST of the moms/wives/gf, etc. here are wonderful and it's an honor to be a part of something so special.

 

I ordered my division ribbons from LaLa Ribbon Queen.  She's awesome.  Such a great thing that she does.  Kudos to LaLa.

 

I'm blessed.  I have a son who's on his way to becoming a Sailor, I have a younger son who is perfect in every way that counts, I'm even in the mood to compliment hubby for being a great hubby....lol..my parents are both alive and well, the friends I have in my daily life mean the world to me and to my new Navy friends - I thank my lucky stars to have you in my life.  Couldn't get through the days without you.  (I do, however, HATE my job....lol)  But I'm thankful I have one to hate.

 

Good Night All.....

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 8, 2011  32 MORE DAYS

 

This is a sucky day.  Not for any particular reason.  PMS is a killer for me.  I was all ready to clean "up" not "out" my son's room today (I've been putting it off since he left) and guess what?  I put it off again.  I just can't do it.  I still haven't taken "the Box" off his chair.  It still has his clothes and whatever else in there.  I figured since it was such a beautiful day today I would go outside with my younger son and wash my truck.  Something my son always did for me.  I went in his room, took out all the stuff he uses for my windows, the leather seats, his special rags and went out and washed the car.  I was so proud of myself.  Then I said "okay, now lets go inside and clean up the room."  COULDN'T DO IT. 

These waves of depression come over me.  Whenever I remind myself that he's fine and in 32 more days he'll be "done" it just reminds me that he still won't be coming home.  He'll never be coming home in that way again.  I feel like I get sucker-punched.  While I'm beyond proud of him for the path he's chosen, he's not coming home and I haven't reconciled that yet.  I don't know how to do that.  It hurts.

 

Today's a bad day!

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 10, 2011  30 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

I'm really hoping time will start flying by now.  I'm praying to get a call this week too.  I'm going to be making nametags for our PIR so at the Meet & Greet we don't walk around looking at each other wanting to ask "are you so and so?"  How weird.  This way I figure all we have to do is look at the N4M nametags so at least we'll know who we are.   I keep forgetting too that there will be so many people there that aren't from N4M.  It's hard to believe that some people don't know we exist.

 

Let's not address my mood today.  It's not much better than yesterday but now I've found something to keep me busy so that'll cheer me up.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 11, 2011  29 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

I GOT A PHONE CALL !!!!!!  WHOOO HOOOOOO......YEAH BABY !!!!   We spoke for about 15 min and then I let him go so he could call his girlfriend and then go to NEX to buy a new toothbrush.  He's still not happy about all the germs.  He said he can't get rid of his cold because everything is so germ infested and everybody's coughing all over the place.  GROSS.  It was sooooo great to hear his voice.  He's getting along really well with a few of the guys and he sounds pretty happy.  I think he's ready for whatever they throw at him.  I'm so proud of my son. 

 

Now I get to sleep peacefully tonight.  Good Night!

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 13, 2011  27 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

It's been a couple of days but I really needed to come on tonight and talk.  To myself of course.  I've met a new mom on here (I'm sure she'll know I mean her) that just broke my heart.  She's so sad.  I won't get into details because it's not my place but she's in need of alot of love and so is her son, her recruit.  He's struggling a bit and of course so is she.  You really don't know how alone alot of us moms feel, in addition to the other feelings of guilt, despair, etc.  Even though BC is so challenging for our recruits it's so much more difficult on so many levels for us as parents. That's just one reason why N4M is so important.  We need each other.  Some more than others.  So I'm sending my love out to my new friend and hope you will too.....send love for her and prayers that her son will see better days ahead.  He'll make it through the struggle.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 14, 2011  26 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

Ladies, ladies, ladies...blah, blah, blah.  Grow up.  It's pretty sad to have such dark hearts. 

 

 Wonderful day today. Got 2 letters.  He's craving sushi of all things.  So excited to have gotten fitted for his uniforms and got his dog tags.  This week coming up the fun stuff starts...so he's looking forward to it.  He's actually excited. He's gotten close with a couple of guys but for the most part he wants to start some real PT.  Said he feels like he's getting fat and lazy. LOL.  Love that kid. 

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 18, 2011  22 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

Holy Crap !!!!  I can't believe only 22 more days!  Wow... I really wish I could say that the time has just flown by ....but....I can't.  It still feels like he's been gone forever.  From the letters I've gotten and the couple of times we've gotten to speak, he's doing great!  I'm so happy and relieved.  I've kinda taken a little break from N4M for a few days.  I was becoming OBSESSED!  LOL.  It's not good staying up all hours of the night thinking you're going to miss something.  I've had to force myself to stop.  I'm still lurking every day and just a little involvement, but that's it.  I'm giving myself a time limit of 15 mins.  Ha ha ha.  Hubby laughs at me.  He knows I'm addicted to this site. 

It's very gratifying to know that others appreciate you and what you say.  This blog was really my only outlet to express myself where I felt people could truly understand.  I felt safe here.  That is why I poured my heart and soul into everything I wrote.  While there are "haters" out there, the amount of loving, caring and understanding people out there far exceeds that number.  I've gotten some very heartfelt thank-yous from alot of moms here and I want to thank you in return.  If I helped even one of you - I am humbled. 

Talking to one of my other mom friends, I expressed how excited I am that it's only 22 more days til graduation.  I can cry just thinking about spotting him when he walks through those doors at PIR.  The wave of emotion that's sure to follow is sooooooo overwhelming.  I know it will be the proudest moment of my life and to see the look of pride on my son's face knowing that he accomplished what he wanted will just take my breath away.  The anticipation is killing me......pretty much how I felt waiting while he was a depper....for 7 long months the anticipation of him leaving was a killer.  This anticipation though is filled with happiness where the other time was filled with dread.

Look, am I going to say that almost 5 weeks later I'm adjusted to him being gone....NO WAY.  Am I going to say that after almost 5 weeks I feel better......NOT REALLY.  But I will say that I am more proud of him each day that goes by.  That's what gets me through.  I hate passing the firehouse where he volunteered and not seeing his car there.  I hate going to NY Islander games (we're huge hockey fans) without him.  I hate going to where he used to work knowing he's not there.  I hate that he's not here. PERIOD.  I miss him every minute of the day.  But I know this is right for him and I have accepted it.  And I am proud of his decision.  I just don't have to like it.  That's all.  I've said my peace.  My 15 minutes expired awhile ago.  LOL.  Night all.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 20, 2011  20 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

Wow, 3 weeks from today I get to see my Sailor.  I didn't get my usual weekly letter today but it's okay.  I was a little down but I figure he was too busy.  His girldfriend didn't get one either so I felt a little better....LOL.  I know, I'm so bad.

I have been having dreams about him though.  I hadn't had any dreams about him since he left until a few days ago.  The first one he was acting mad at me while we were driving.  I kept asking what was wrong and I saw him turn his head and he had tears in his eyes.  Of course I woke up very sad that day.  Then last night I had a dream that he was staying at a hotel in my area and he called my cell and the connection was bad.  We got disconnected, my cell wasn't working and then when I tried to call it back I kept getting this woman telling me I had the wrong number.  I was panicking as to why he wasn't calling me back so I begged my husband to come with me to the hotel.  I knew that if I went there he wouldn't be able to come out but I'd hoped that the front desk could at least call the room.  My husband took too long to get up and then I woke up.  

So how's that for a dream?  I'm going to look them up and see what they mean.  I always have very long, vivid dreams....sometimes actual stories from beginning to end.  When it's a really bad dream I can wake myself up if I try hard enough.  Sound strange?  I guess so.

I just had to talk about it because you know what they say - if you talk about a disturbing or upsetting dream, once you hear yourself talk about it out loud you realize it's not as bad as it felt.  Not that these were disturbing or bad dreams, just upsetting.

That's all for now.  I'm going on "dream interpretations" and see what it's all about.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 23, 2011  17 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

So it seems my entries are getting shorter and shorter and not every day.  I don't know why exactly. Probably a mixture of not having much to say, not being in the mood to deal with some of the crap that goes on here, but most of all probably because as the days get closer to seeing my son, the more anxious I get.  And here goes the emotional roller coaster again!  The excitment that I'm going to see my son - THE SAILOR, the overwhelming pride and joy that I'm going to feel BUT laying dormant in the back of my mind is that demon of doom.  Always the doom and gloom.  The sickness I feel knowing that I'm going to have to say good-bye again.  Damn I hate good-byes. I'm not focusing on the good bye but it's there.  Can't deny it.  I am focusing on having such an awesome time.  I'm going to make the best of every single second I have with my son before he has to leave for A school.  I also can't wait for Sarge's Meet & Greet.  That sounds like it's going to be a blast! 

Sarge - what a guy!  I spoke to him a few times over the weekend and he almost sounds too good to be true.  The way he takes care of the sailors who stay there for A School and the way he takes care of the families who come there for PIR.  He's definitely helped make planning easier for me and he is such a wealth of information.  He is a blessing and I am grateful for him too.  I am grateful for this site and finding some truly wonderful women who I'm honored to have "met". 

Now I can go to sleep and be another day closer to happiness.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 27, 2011  13 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

My nerves are starting up again.  I'm on the downnslide of this roller coaster and I'm so nervous, excited, worried and everything else you could think of.  I'm still worried about my son passing his final PFA.  He was really concerned about it and I know he can't do BS unless he passes.  I didn't get my usual weekly letter today so I hope that means he's super busy doing what has to be done.  Rumor has it his division might get to make a phone call tomorrow so you know I'm praying tonight.  I'm full of anxiety the way I was before he left but it's different this time.  Last time it was a dreaded anxiety...this is more of a reserved excitement.  That's the only way I can explain it.  I feel like there's so much I need to do but there really isn't.  All my plans are made, I made name tags for all the moms attending our Meet & Greet so I've definitely been keeping busy but I feel like I'm missing something.  It must just be me losing my mind yet again. LOL. I just want to know that he passed his PFA.  Then I'll be more at ease.  The fact that I didn't get a letter today also makes a bit uneasy but I know - no news is good news.  UGH.  Well, gotta try and get some sleep.  Praying for a phone call.  We're coming down the home stretch.  YIKES :)

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

October 29, 2011  11 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

Wow...it seems like time is flying now.  I got my letter today.  He passed his PFA and I can't tell you how relieved I am.  He was so worried about it.  But he did it and I am so damn proud of that kid I could just scream.  Battlestations is right around the corner, Captain's Cup next weekend so, YES, the end is near.  I just can't wait to give him the biggest hug ever.  I hate that I'll only have 7 hours with him but it's better than nothing and I will make sure we all have an awesome time.  I'm so overwhelmed again with emotions it's just crazy. I feel like my heart is racing all the time again, just like before he left, and then I feel like there's not enough time in the day to do everything.  But the truth is there's nothing I really have to do.  All the plans are made, reservations made, I just have to pack. No big deal.  But here we go again - every little thing feels like a BIG DEAL.  My head is spinning just about as fast as my heart is racing.  Maybe I should stop drinking coffee????  UGH.  I went for my mani and pedi today and even got a massage so I'm doing everything I can think of to help calm me down.....NOT WORKING.  I know - time to self-medicate. LOL.  I think I'd need a horse tranquilizer or something stronger even. ha ha ha.  Okay, gotta go.  I'm glad I have this "place" to come to.  It helps me.  The problem is my fingers can't type as fast as my mind is spitting out things to say.  So forgive me for typos. 

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

November 2, 2011  8 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

I really can't believe it's almost here.  I got to speak with him on Sunday for 45 mins.  His division earned an hr. long phone call because none of them quit during a timed run.  I was nice enough to let him call his girlfriend for the last 15 mins.  HA HA HA...I'm so mean.  Anyway, so he made "SHARPSHOOTER" which is so awesome and he was promoted from section leader to stick...which means now I know exactly where to look for him at PIR......AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE - CARRYING A FLAG!!!!!!!  Sooooooo exciting and I'm soooooo proud of him.  He sounded really happy and proud of himself.  He is a little disappointed because his division really never got their crap together.  He's really shocked that no matter how much trouble these guys and girls got into they still wouldn't listen and do what they were told.  It's a shame really.  But it hasn't affected my son and I'm glad.  He's so ready for Captain's Cup this weekend and Battlestations sometime after that.  I think I just might faint waiting all day for that "I'm a Sailor" call to come.  Then it'll be off to the Great Lakes, meet all the wonderful moms and wives who've become my friends throughout this whole ordeal, and then THE BIG DAY.....OMG I WANT TO SCREAM.....ha ha ha.

Would you believe that all my son was concerned with was that I was paying his bills on time, what is he going to do about buying a car once he gets to Pensacola, and what happens if A School is too hard. He's already worried.  I laughed and told him, first of all - don't worry about your bills, it's all taken care of, once you get to Pensacola and learn your surroundings then you can figure out whether or not you want or need a car, and as far as A School being too hard I told him to just stop worrying about everything and anything and just focus on what needs to be done right now to make it through the next 8 days. 

He's just too cute.  Always the responsible one.  Always thinking in advance.  Just a little like his momma!  Love that kid !!!

I have to go and take a chill pill because I'm all wound up right now.  But all kidding aside - this is some whirlwind experience and it's enough to give someone a stroke from stress, but it's so rewarding, beyond words. It's like childbirth and raising children - you go through hell and back, have your ups and downs, hate life at times, but in the end YOU WOULDN'T CHANGE IT FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.  There's nothing greater than being a Mom and raising a fine young Man (or Woman of course)!

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

November 6, 2011  4 MORE DAYS !!!!!!!!!

 

Just 3 days til I get on that plane to the GL and 4 more days til I see my son. WOW....is all I can say.  These past few days, with Battlestations starting and today (well yesterday now) having Captain's Cup and more Battlestations coming up, have just been so crazy exciting.  Being excited for your child as well as others' and forming a bond with the moms and wives here that are going through the same feelings is just humbling.  I never thought I'd connect the way I have with some of the women here but there's nothing like it.  I truly hope we stay in touch after BC is over.  I want to thank all of the women here for being so strong and caring and for being strong for others.  We are all truly blessed.

To my surprise today I went on FB and there was a post on my son's wall - he posted it himself. They were allowed to go online.  I couldn't believe it.  Then I heard from other moms that they got phone calls.  I wasn't lucky enough to get one of those but just seeing him on FB was enough. 

I'm not going to say that the time has flown by because for me it hasn't but I will say that the last 2 weeks went fast.  It seems like forever since I saw him and I'm not thrilled that I'll only have 6 or 7 hrs or so with him on Thursday but I am okay.....especially knowing that I'll be able to see and speak with him regularly.

My son has formed a special friendship with 2 guys from his division and they've even made plans for all of us to go out and eat pizza after PIR.  That's just awesome.  I'm sure his girlfriend won't be that thrilled because it's bad enough she has to share him with his family but now other families as well.  LOL.  I have to admit I want him all to myself but I know I'll be satisfied just looking at him and seeing how happy he is.  That's all a mom wants. 

I'm saving up my tears of joy for Thursday.  Trying to decide if I should bother wearing makeup! LOL

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

November 8, 2011  I'VE GOT MYSELF A SAILOR !!!!!!!! 

 

I never thought in a million years I'd feel something that I couldn't explain.  I really can't explain how happy and proud I feel.  Those words just don't do it justice.  In 2 days I will hug my Sailor liked I've never hugged him before. It's so funny because in his true fashion he sounds so unaffected by the whole thing.  He pretty much sounded like "okay, I did what had to be done, I'm awesome and now let's move on."  That's exactly how he sounds.  LOL. Never mind the fact that I've been sick to my stomach all day waiting for "The Call" and didn't sleep a wink last night.  That's just my duty.  All I can say is WHEW !!!!!  Thank God the waiting is over !!!!!

Now tomorrow I can get on that plane, meet all of my new friends tomorrow night and then see my son on Thursday with nothing but pure love, joy and pride in my heart.

This has truly been an amazing experience.  I know the journey is just beginning.  But one step at a time.  Right now I'm just going to enjoy the next few days and then RELAX.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

November 10, 2011  PIR

  

Wow, what a day!  Seeing my son marching in, holding his flag high, was just breathtaking.  It was amazing.  It was a day just for him....a day that he could finally feel proud of himself, like he accomplished "something important" which was what he said he wanted to do.  Well, he did accomplish something huge and we couldn't be more proud of him.  Surprisingly, I only cried a few tears...not many at all.  I was just so happy for him. We took him to eat, went shopping at NEX, came back to the hotel and we all napped for a couple of hours, then we took him to dinner and then back to base.  Tomorrow we meet him at the airport at 9am and stay with him until he leaves at 5pm.  So I'm grateful that I have quite a few more hours to spend with him than I thought.  Not the whole weekend....LOL...but I'm not unhappy at all.

Last night Sarge's Meet & Greet was awesome.  It was great to finally meet him.  He's an amazing guy.  Everyone should be in touch with him when they're here.  He knows everything and really takes care of everyone!  It was terrific to finally meet my "friends" that I've met here.  They are very special people and special to me.  I'm just all around grateful.

Now I get to see my son off to Pensacola where the next step in this journey begins.  I know everything will be okay.  I feel at ease.  I'm happy.  My son is happy.  That's all that matters! 

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

November 28, 2011  

  

It's been awhile......too long but some unfortunate circumstances in my life has kept me busy so I haven't been able to get on here in such a long tine.  Things have now been straightened out and I'm back.  I had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I hope all of you did too.

I don't know why some people feel the need to try and make someone feel badly, probably because they are unhappy themselves (if you see Lady Hamilotn's comments below you'll understand).  Someone needs to pray for that woman.  She needs all the help she can get.

On a happier note, my son is doing wonderfully in Pensacola.  He sounds so happy and will be coming home for Christmas.  YIPEE!!!  It's been weird getting used to life without him being around.  Doesn't feel natural.  We talk and text and Skype and I can see how happy he is.  I can only describe it as strange. 

I have to end here.....my boss is calling.

I'LL BE BACK

 

December 7, 2011  

 

I haven't had enough time to come on and blog.  There's so much going on with work and home and now that Christmas is right around the corner, there's no time for anything.  But I really need to get on here more often because for some reason this is a safe place for me.  I've spent so much time here at some of the hardest times of my life and even though things are easier now that my son is out of bootcamp I still have so much weighing on my mind. 

First things first, my son is coming home for Christmas.  Now I know that I just saw him at graduation almost a month ago, but I am soooooo happy that I'll get to have him home.  With that brings alot of emotions.  The absolute joy of seeing him walk through our door and sleep in his room.  The pleasure of just looking at him and being able to see him every day.  Knowing that when I wake up in the morning, he'll be there.  But of course, the flip side to that is knowing that he has to leave again and who knows when he'll be home for Christmas again. 

Maybe it seems that I always focus on the negative.  And that really isn't true.  I'm always "prepared" for things to come.  At least I try to always be prepared.  I will enjoy every single second of the time we have together and I will never take for granted the time we do have.  I'm still coming to terms with the fact that this is the normal course that life takes and I've raised my son into a fine young man.  It's just taking me some time to believe that it's real.  I still kind of feel that this is only temporary....that he'll be home to stay soon.  But believe me when I say, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.  I want him to live his dream, travel the world and be the best Sailor he can be.  I guess it's just taking time for my heart and head to be on the same page.

No one ever said this journey would be easy.  And if they did, they LIED.  We talk, we text, we Skype on a pretty regular basis....thank God.  LOL.  He's waiting for classes to begin which wasn't supposed to start until January but he told me yesterday that they were starting next week.  I think he's looking forward to it because he said it's boring.  They do alot of sitting around doing nothing.  He looks great and sounds happy.  While we were Skyping he was ironing his clothes and polishing his boots.  That was really funny!  He's made some pretty great friends so far and they seem to be having a good time. 

Bottom line......I have alot to talk about but not alot of time to do it.  I can't wait for Dec. 23rd so I can see his face.

 

I'LL BE BACK

 

[Invisible12]

Please don't feel you have explain yourself and why you're so emotional.  That's why we're here. So that we don't have to explain.  You owe no one an explanation and even if you weren't hormone deficient you still have a right to be "hormonal."  LOL...I think your son sounds like a great man...who knows what he wants and is determined to get where he wants to be.  I know you're proud of him and I also know it still hurts.

[Diver Mom]

Thank you.  So use to having to explain.  No one gets it.

[Bernice Proud NAVY mom]

Invisible12, Ship12, Div369, Thanks for writting back. I was telling a friend of mine about your blog today at work. I  Love that you helped me feel like I am normal. Because of your blog I am trying to start a local support group for NAVY moms. Hopefully I get some feed back. I think be able to meet at least once a month and talk with people who feel the same way will be a blessing. I wish you lived close so you could come. I know that we are not the only two that have the crazy ups and downs and emotions that we are having. Thank you for the comfort you have given me.

 

[Invisible12]

Bernice, you are very welcome and I'm so glad that I could be of help.  Writing is my way of expressing myself.  Growing up I always was the type of person who felt I needed to hide things that I felt because it was "wrong" or "different" or "not normal".  I felt I had to act "normal."  Well - "What is the meaning of normal?" "Who is the person that defined normal?"  That person doesn't exist.  Now I know there are varying degrees of normal.  Now I don't care or worry about what people think or say so long as I know I've done good and right by myself and the ones I love and care for.  I can put my head on my pillow at night and know that I am good person.  I've raised my son into this wonderful young man, I'm raising my other son who's also terrific and kind.  So if the way I'm reacting to my son leaving for the Navy is "not normal" for some people - IT'S MY NORMAL and it's fine.  There will of course come a time when I'm not crying or worrying or feeling sad alot of the day, but it will come when my mind and body is ready.  Until then, I will deal with it the way I want whether anyone likes it or not.

 

Bernice, I hope it doesn't sound like I'm preaching.  Not my intention at all. I'm not a preacher and I'm in no way pretending to preach.  I created this blog to get the things that are in my head - OUT, and if getting them out helps you then I served more than one purpose.  It makes me happy to think I helped you or anyone.  That's all that really matters.  I think having a local support group is a good idea.  Please feel free to PM any time if you just want to talk without posting here.

 

You are normal.....just remember that!  All we want is love and understanding that it's hard for us to give our children to the U.S. Navy or any branch of military but we are, because we believe in it and we're just trying to cope with a new way of life.

 

[Invisible12]

BunkerQB and LadyHamilton - while I realize you are both just trying to help, if you wish to speak directly to someone please PM them and not put it in this blog.  This is just a place where I come to let my feelings out.  I appreciate that others feel they can come here and vent as well - good, bad or indifferent. 

 

Directing Bernice in the right direction was a thoughtful thing to do but please don't put it in my blog.

 

Thank you.

[Invisible12]

Thanks for the advice.  Didn't think I'd have to moderate.  Now I know better.  Have a great night!

[Invisible12]

Thank you Janet.....coming from you, from all that you've been through, means the world to me.  You are obviously a very strong woman.  I admire you.  I'm just so thankful that I have women like you to help me through this.  I know it's not the end of the world.  I know that he's doing a wonderful thing and I'm so very proud of him.  I'm just trying to adjust to a new way of life....without him being a daily part of it. I just pray that I can some day be as strong as you.

[abbyblue]

why did some of coments on this blog get removed ?

[Invisible12]

They were removed because they made subtle accusations that I or we were not proud of our children and should only look at this experience with joy and pride, and as though we weren't entitled to, or express our other wide range of emotions.  I created this blog as a place where I can come and express myself.  While I do have it set  for the public to see I do not want negativity or anyone to condemn me for the things I say or feel.  There are others who come here and are glad to see they're not alone in their feelings.  Then there are those that feel we are wrong.  While that is their prerogative, I do want their comments left here.

[Invisible12]

The end of my last comment should've read "I DON'T want their comments left here."  Oops! 

 

Lady Hawk.....I caused quite a commotion I guess. LOL.