Honored to be my son's mom

[DJMom]

Being a military mom is quite difficult, definitely not easy. Not that being a mom is easy; however military moms face unique challenges. I have being a military mom for 38 days. My son’s room is empty without him. I see his clothes, his shoes, his t.v., his books, his bed, his alarm clock, yet the room is empty. I sleep on his bed when the pain of missing him is unbearable, my younger children hang out in his room when they are missing him, yet the room is empty.

For the last 38 days I have lived attached to the phone and stalking the mailman. When my son calls I have to use every second of that glorious phone call to tell him all the things I need to tell him and all the things I want to tell him, and yes there is a difference. He does the same. Every second counts. And when he asks to speak with his father or siblings I want to be selfish and tell him they are not home, they are busy, they ran away and that no, he cannot speak to them, that the phone call is mine. But, of course I cannot do that so I pass the phone and wait patiently to get the phone again because I have to be the last one to talk to him, I get to listen to him when he says goodbye, I want to be the last voice he hears and I savor every second before he says the words I do not want to hear, “I have to go”, followed by the ones that melt my heart, “I love you ma”.

When I receive a letter I read it again and again and again. I touch and smell the paper and I trace the letters of his name with my finger. And then I read it again. I write to him every day. Positive, encouraging words and I tell him how proud I am and how much I love him. And then I have to swallow all the other things I want to tell him. The things I do not write. How much I miss him, how much we all miss him. How silent is the house without him, how the dogs sleep by his door, how I always have to throw food away because I still cook for 6 instead of 5. How I lite his favorite candle just to feel he is home, how I refuse to go to his favorite restaurant because he is not with us. How much it hurts, how much I worry at night…

No, having a child in the military cannot compare to losing a child. Mine is alive, well and healthy. No, having a child in the military cannot compare to having a child in prison, my son sees the sunrise every morning and the sunset every afternoon. I am thankful my child is alive and free, but no, having a child in the military cannot compare to having a child in college or seeing your child get married. I cannot pick up the phone and call my son, I cannot visit my son, I cannot invite my son over for a BBQ and I will not be able to do that for the next eight years plus.

Most likely my son will celebrate more than one birthday away from us, more than one Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and many other important days. Most likely my son will spend months or years in a faraway country, most likely my son will have to fight one day to keep us safe. Undoubtedly my heart will ache when I do not get to hug my son on his birthday, or sit by him at the table on Thanksgiving, or see him open his presents on Christmas, or celebrate with him the New Year, and I do not even want to think about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Certainly I will go into complete panic if he is deployed and sent to danger.

Now that he is not home I feel I did not tell him that I love him enough, I did not play with him enough, I did not cook his favorite food enough. I question myself, was I a good mother? But then I realize that my son is in the military. He chose to be in the military, he chose to serve and protect others and to jeopardize his safety for the safety of us all, so yes I am a good mother, I raised a good son and I feel proud, incredibly proud of my son. I feel proud to be a military mom, but I am honored to be my son’s mom.

Being a military mom is quite difficult. When you are a military mom all sailors, soldiers, airmen, guardsmen, and marines are your sons and daughters. You feel the pain of other mothers; you celebrate when other mothers get letters, phone calls, or the most amazing gift of all, when other mothers have their sons and daughters home. And while your son is far away and the only thing that you want is to hug him, you do not envy the moms whose sons and daughters are home because, in some way, their happiness is your happiness. The same is true when a mother loses a son, the pain is excruciating and I do not even want to think about that.

Yes, military moms have a special bond with calendars and clocks. We measure time, months, days, hours and minutes. We want the days to fly and then we want to stop time. We are obsess with counting days, and while many might think doing this is torture the truth is that this is the only way we can function. Is the “I am going to see my son in X days” what keeps us going, and every day is one day closer.

I have being a military mom for 1 month, 7 days, 4 hours and 15 minutes, since my son sworn in and left for basic training. I am waiting for the “I am a Sailor” phone call and after that I will be an official NAVY mom. And while my son is traveling the seas, my heart will sink, my boat will rock, I will merrily row my boat gently down the stream. I will laugh and I will cry, I will miss him every day, I will enjoy his journeys, and I will be home waiting for his safe return. I will be forever proud, forever scared, forever honored to be my son’s mom.

[Holli]

WOW, I just cried because it home on every sentence you wrote, yes we are lucky to have son's in the military and who will fight for our country, couldn't be prouder (even though I want my baby boy home with me)

[Jordan'Mom Ship 13 Div 333]

Seems like I could have written this myself...nailed every emotion I'm feeling.