Not What I Expected as a newer Stepmom

[jeepgirl]

My stepson left for BC on 8/28 and up until the time he left I couldn't wait to 'get him out of the house' and now that he's gone I am finding that I am thinking about him and this new experience and wondering how he his handling it and wondering how he is doing. I anxiously waited for 'the call' and although we missed it, I was very glad (for me and his dad) that he left a message so we could hear how he was doing after his last day at MEPS and his day of travel. I am now anxiously awaiting his box, the form letter and his first letter home. This is definitely not how I expected to feel. I expected to feel relief and excitement for his dad and I to finally live as a newly married couple should live on our own (which I am feeing), but I did not expect to feel all this anxiety and I certainly did not expect for him to be on my mind as much as he is. I don't have the same 'connection' to him as a birth mother but I do love him and want what is best for him.

A little bit of history - his father and I were married in 2010 and we have all lived together in the same house since we got married - my stepson is now 25 yrs old so a little old to be 'living at home' and this was not the way that I wanted to start off my marriage with my new husband. We have had our ups and downs, struggles and arguments but in the end he is a good kid - just unmotivated and irresponsible for a young man of 25 so the Navy is a really good place for him and will give him a good future. I am looking forward to him learning the discipline and responsibility that he unfortunately did not learn while growing up and that he refused to learn from me. I am hoping that by the time he is done with BC that he will finally 'get it' - what I have been trying to teach him for almost 3 years.

I know that what I am feeling is very much different than his dad and other moms feel/go through when their child leaves for bc and I guess I wonder if there are other stepparents that have/are going through the same thing.

[DavidsNavyMom (Ship 11 Div 396)]

Hi Jeepgirl,

I can relate to this a little bit....although I am my son's birth mother and I am missing him terribly this was the best thing for him.  He had no idea what he wanted to do after HS and college was not for him, he was also unmotivated.  I am hoping that the Navy gives him the discipline and direction that he needs.  Me and my son were close, but he was a kid who wanted to do his own thing, and we did not always agree with that. 

Keep your head up....this is what is best for him.

[musicalmamma]

Dear stepmom,

I wanted to take a moment and thank you for your comments.  I too am a step mom, with a 21 yr. old son leaving for BC on Sept. 11th.  His dad and I were married in 2008, and he is the oldest of 3 kids.  His dad and I dated all through Jr. High and into high school, but went separate ways in college. Both married, and while he had three children with his first wife, I had none with my first husband.  After 25 years of being apart, we were both divorced and ready for a new lease on life.  We got back together in 2006, were married in 2008, and the oldest son moved in with us shortly thereafter, and we have raised him together since then.

I can completely relate to your situation, My step son is a great young man, but lacks discipline and direction. I am hoping that the Navy will help him learn those skills and give him the daily discipline that he needs to find himself.  He was totally ambitious in high school and since graduating has floundered without a community of other around him to help him stay focused.  He floundered through his first year in college, and decided that it wasn't for him..  we worked with him and tried to guide and direct him, but he is definately his father's son... Head strong and stubborn.  He moved out on his own, and has made it for over a year.  We've been very proud of him.  I think joining the Navy is one of the best decisions that he could have made for himself ( even though we tried to get him to do it right out of high school) he just wasn't ready to accept the suggestion at that point.

 Being a step parent is tough. You want the time with the spouse that you didn't get for many years, but you still want the connection with the children.  My husband and I are essentially empty-nesters.  The two younger kids live in another state with the ex-wife and step dad, and we only get to see them during the summers and holidays, so when our oldest is gone, and they aren't here, we are by ourselves.  It's fun when the kids are here, but we enjoy our time alone as well. 

Personally, I am excited for my son and looking forward to the next adventure in his life. I love all three of my "inherited" kids....that's what I call them!  They are every bit my kids as they are the other wives - and I love them just the same!

I am nervous for him and scared that he won't do his best, but at the same time I am very proud of his decision and I know his dad is too!  I've seen the little twinkle in his eye when he talks about it with his friends. I've also seen the tear in his eye when he talks about him being gone for so long.. so I think that no matter what we do as parents we simply have to love and support our kids and our spouses! 

I hope that knowing that there are others out there feeling the same as you, helps comfort you just a little!

I wish you well and wish your son well too!

Good luck from one step mom to another!

[jeepgirl]

Thank you DavidsNavyMom and Narlenallen for your comments. DavidsNavyMom, I am confident that this is best for your son and that the Navy will give him the direction and discipline he needs. Narleneallen- our stepsons could be brothers! My stepson was also driven in high school then his parents got divorced when he was in his senior year and he floundered at community college for over 4 yrs and was on academic probation for a couple of those years. It wasnt until 2 years ago that he finally decided what he wanted to do with his education and got excited about school. He is very excited about his job in the Navy and going to A school as a CTN.

Good luck to you both as well!