A Bootcamp Disaster: Advice needed

[Meghan]

hello i was wondering if anyone had any advice for me on how to help my brother who was medically discharged from boot camp. After about a week and a half, he called home to tell us he was in the hospital after having a "mental breakdown." My parents went up to get him and he was home in about a week thanks to a doctor who recommended his paperwork be processed quickly and for him not to go to the normal waiting place (idk what its called) where people who are waiting to be discharged go. apparently it never happens that way so he was lucky in the regard. But now he is home and is miserable, disappointed, and embarrassed. he doesn't talk to anyone and when he does its in anger. i know this isn't a typical situation and obviously the navy wasn't for him but i was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to get him back on his feet. maybe if someone you knew went through similar feeling after being discharged from bootcamp or just after they were already in the navy. its been about 3 or 4 weeks now and he is not the same person who left us...

[BunkerQB]

From speaking with a number of moms whose sons/daughters were discharged, your brother's reaction is not unique. Remember the process of being a depper, doing the paper work, working with the recruiter, going to MEPS, going to boot camp is designed to make the recruit a part of a large organization (the Navy) and to have him internalize what it takes to be a US Sailor. On top of that, there is the positive, feel-good vibe that joining the Navy implies - ie, moving forward as a person, getting a job, being paid, seeing the world, training with the best, having a future, serving our country.  He probably feels being discharged he lost a lot.

Many do not realize that being in the military is not as easy as one might have imagined. The structure, the restrictions, the stress, the endless hours of work, the danger, the constant moving from one place to another, the lack of stability. Boot camp was designed to remove the recruits who could not adjust to the military environment.

Not being able to adjust does NOT mean the person is any LESS worthy of consideration. Or that the person is less talented or intelligent. It simply means the military environment was not for him.

Joining the Navy is not the ONLY way to success in life.  There are many opportunities. Please tell your brother that he has nothing, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.  I know I couldn't do it. I know my husband couldn't do it. 

What to do?

1. He needs to talk to a therapist

2. He should talk to career guidance counselor - remember since he is medically discharged, he could qualify for financial aid and grants. This should brighten his day.

3. He should sign up at the local community college - start getting his general education requirements out of the way.

4. He should get some exercise. Don't let him sit around the house, playing computer games all day.

5. Ship 5 is where he would have gone if he hadn't been sent home so quickly. You should join it - perhaps some of the moms can give you some insight as to how to help your brother. 

6. He has gone through a difficult, traumatic and disappointing experience; however, he at the core is still the same person. He now knows exactly what he should not do.

7. He is probably afraid to face people, afraid he'll break down. He will face many he will ask him why did he leave?  He should come up with "standard, boiler-plate" replies. He doesn't have to go into great detail and disclosed that he had a mental breakdown. It is really none of anyone's business. It will be easier if he was prepared. Help him compose various responses. You might even practice with him.

8. You should give him some space and time to feel his pain and adjust to a new chapter in his life but keep an eye on him.

Best of luck to your brother.

[lemonelephant]

I'm sorry your family is facing this. You're right; it is highly unusual for someone to bypass the usual steps of going to Ship 5 and a couple of weeks of processing before going home. Your brother needs counseling and perhaps pharmaceutical intervention to help him deal with what has happened. He needs to come up with a new dream, so perhaps he should see a career counselor as well--available at most colleges and Career Centers. Military life is not for everyone and unfortunately some do not realize it until shipping out as your brother did. He may be able to enroll in college (or junior college) for even a few semester hours or in a vocational program for the spring semester if there is something else he has shown an interest in. Moping around without help and a Plan B will just increase his depression for he is clearly depressed at this time. Depression that is not dealt with can lead to bad outcomes, so please encourage him to get the help he needs. He should be proud that he was initially accepted for enlistment in the Navy for not everyone is, but now he must go on and find a new dream. Yes, people will talk or maybe whisper for a while, but they will forget and go on to the next more interesting thing soon enough, especially if he puts this behind him and starts on a new course.

Some within the group, Ship 5 Moms(Formerly Ship 17) (clickable link), may have some other advice and suggestions for you.

[sailorwifenmom]

I agree with the other ladies.  This is a hard thing to process through, and it could take some time and possibly some outside help to work through the feelings.

As far as what you, as his sister, can do - encourage him to seek someone to talk to, remind him that you love him and are proud of him, and that the uniform does NOT make the man - the things that were good and admirable about him before he went to boot camp are still there in him now.  Also, so, ok, he didn't make it through boot camp, but he did have the courage to try!  So many people don't even get that far, and so many people are afraid to step out there and try to accomplish a dream, but he did - he had that courage.

Just encourage him to keep an open mind to exploring a new path now.  Depending on what it was that drew him to the Navy, there are lots of ways to reach those goals as a civilian.  You can still have a job that gives to your community, or involves traveling, etc.  And as far as what others might think, tell him to simply look them in the eye and calmly say "I tried something challenging, something that less than 5% of Americans do.  It didn't work out, but I'm proud of my efforts.  Now I'm excited to see what life has in store for me instead."  If they push for more of an answer, if they are military / prior service, just say, you should understand the military isn't for everyone, then change the subject.  If they are not military or prior military, just look at them and say, well, once you've tried it, we can compare notes on why it didn't work out.  In the meantime, .... And change the subject.  If they STILL push, just look at them and ask them "why in the world would you think that is any of your business?"

Good luck to you and your brother, I do hope this gets easier for him - and your family!

[lemonelephant]

Very well said.

[sailorwifenmom]

Thank you :-)

[Becky]

To be honest, I would contact the Chaplain at boot camp and ask for his suggestions.  What happened to your brother happen to multiple people who go through boot camp.  Maybe he is feeling like he is the only one.  Contact the Chaplain and I'm sure he will have some good suggestions for you.  Hope everything works out.

[Meghan]

Thank you all for your responses, it has been tough few weeks. My brother has been seeing a psychologist which seems to be helping. college isn't really an option for him because he already spent two years at a community college so the next step is figuring out another plan B. but your insight into how all that bootcamp stuff works and that this sort of thing happens a lot i think has helped me be more understanding so thanks again

[lemonelephant]

Thank you for the update.  I hope that he does come up with Plan B, or maybe it's Plan C, and goes on to have a good life.  Your love and support are important--just don't go overboard for he can be independent and successful with time.