Hello! cold distance... hurt feelings... i'm a big fat liar!

[Sheelin]

Hi!  I'm Liz, this is my first post here. My son just graduated boot camp and is about to head to San Antonio for school. I don't know the acronym, but his job will be in the medical field.  His name is Andrew, he is 20 years old.  I look forward to getting to know all of you here.

 

When my son told me he was joining the Navy, I was slightly aprehensive, but very proud and supportive.  For the last two years, he was living with his best friend's family, who invited him, with the intention of boarding there until he graduated college.  He has an associate's degree in EMS, wants to become an EMT.  The family he was living with was a very controlling mom and emasculated father, the mother yelled often, demanded much and gave little.  My partner and I helped to support his expenses.  My son and I have been very close all of his life, but things became a little strained when I learned that the family was causing my son a lot of anxiety and making unreasonable demands.  I let my son know that we have an open door should he want to come home.  That's the brief background...

 

The morning before he left to prepare for boot camp, he stayed here with us, and during the breakfast I prepared for him (his favorite), our conversation was very uncomfortable.  I asked if there was anything that he wanted to talk about... he said no, gave me a hug and kiss, then left early, only having eaten half of his breakfast..

 

So my son went to boot camp... my partner and I were the only people to see him off.  It was a tearful goodbye, bittersweet.  I had a hard time getting my son's address from his recruiter, but sent a letter as soon as I did.  He returned with a very short note, letting us know that he was okay.  That was the only letter he wrote us during that time, though he sent others many letters.  We continued to write weekly, at least.

 

I learned during this time that he had given his friend's mother and father (in spite of their bitter relationship)... to the recruiter, wrote on the note at the end of the form letter a thank you to them.  She forwarded it to me.  I haven't received any other communication from them, the navy, or my son.

 

His graduation was this morning.  He invited only his grandmother, sister, and father.  Apologized to us, said that I could come along but that Dawn wouldn't be able to come.  His father abandoned him, but he chose to invite him over us.  I remained positive, said I understood and never wanted him to have to divide loyalties.

 

He called me to ask his grandmother's cell number as they had become separated.  Said he could'nt use any more of his phone card, said he'd call when he got his cell phone back, letting me know that he only had a six hour window.  He didn't call.  When he graduates from A school, he will go to a different state to visit more distant relatives.  I don't know when I'll see him again.

 

I know... have read... my partner was in the navy... so I understand that it's important to stay positive and upbeat when I write or talk to him, and I have.  But I feel like a big fat liar.  I'm sure he can hear the tears behind my voice, those tears have been in the background of my life since he left and didn't stay in touch.

 

So... how do I continue to keep my hurt feelings to myself?  How do I find out if I'm in any contact information, should something happen to him... would I even be notified since he designated his friend's family?  Should I stop writing, give him time to remember who I am?

 

I'm strong but struggling. I'd love to hear any suggestions or advice.

[lemonelephant]

He is HM and will be headed to Fort Sam Houston, San Antonio, TX.  There are lots of groups for HM; one is HM (Hospital Corpsman) A School in San Antonio.  Hopefully, somewhere along the line you two will be able to come together.  I would think you would be listed as his parent on any paperwork if there were a tragedy--prayerfully you don't need to find out.  The Form letter is a different story since he is the one who mailed that and cose who to send it to.

[Vikki]

I am so sorry for your pain.  My advice would be to remain supportive. You will know when the time is right to talk about your pain disappointment, but right now he probably needs your support. Children can cause the deepest sorrow and the greatest joy.  I hope you find your joy soon. I will keep you in my prayers.  Don't give up on him.

[Sheelin]

Thank you both for taking the time to read my long post, and your thoughtful answers.

I didn't get Andrew's new address until a few days ago; not from him or his recruiter, but from his sister. I haven't written, not sure what to say. I've heard from Andrew once, on Tuesday. He sent a voice message... Apparently got his cell phone back. Just said he'd call the next day, and didn't.
I've decided I shouldn't talk to him on the phone, but I will write.
I know we'll come together again, but it hurts, not knowing what caused him to distance himself from me.
Thanks again,
Liz

[Vikki]

Kids get busy and time flies - specially in school and with their hours, standing watch and all.  It has to hurt, and again I am sorry. Talk if he calls though!  Be there for him, it sounds like he could use positives in his life and you being there for him will be meaningful. One day you will know that.  Some very well respected child therapists here in Colorado said in a lecture that if you have had a good and loving relationship with your child through the age of 11, and after that time - in their teens or so - if there are issues (other than addictions) - that child will eventually find his/her way back to their parent and that loving relationship.  I speak from experience - I was one of those kids.  The reason he is doing was he is doesn't matter, the fact that you are still there for him will. Best wishes!  Keep in touch!!  We all care!!!  Vikki