My mother doesn't think we should get married

[Ky4giraffe]

This is my first time posting on here, my boyfriend graduated from basic training on Friday and he left for Pensacola today. We have been dating for about a year and he has talked about getting married. It seems that everyone is taking bets on when he will ask me to marry him. He is the sweetest, most caring, loving guy I have ever met. However, my mother has made me start to worry more about the idea. She hates the idea and says it is not a life I want to live. She says he could be shipped off to war but he is only going to be an electrician, he isn’t sure exactly which job yet, so I didn’t think he would be but then she told me her cousin joined the band many years ago and was sent out. My boyfriend says he is only going to do 4 years and then not reenlist but my parents say ‘what if he really likes his job and wants to stay in the navy’? He thinks we should get married while he is in the Navy because it would be finically a good idea, but my parents think we should wait until he gets out. I am so confused now I don’t know what to think. If I were to move out of state to be close to him I wouldn’t be missing much. I graduate from college in December and I don’t have any close friends. The only real issue is my son. I have a 2 year old son from a past relationship. His real father has never been in his life but he is close with my parents. My mom tells me it would be selfish of me to move out of state with him.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation where your parents didn’t agree with you getting married? How did it work out?

[BunkerQB]

1. Does your bf want to be a step father to your son?  Will he officially adopt your son since your son's biological father is not in the picture?

2. What is your major in college? Will you work (part time perhaps) wherever he is stationed? Will you have an education that is "portable" (like nursing or teaching) - a degree/training in an area with lots of job opportunities.

3. You will be a military family which means there will be times when you will be alone for long periods of time w/o your husband and other members of the family.  Since you have a son, I understand where your parents are coming from.

4. However, many young wives have made it and thrive. They establish friendships and support network quickly. 

5. If you are not self reliant and need your parents around on a continuous basis, being married now may not be for you. Being a wife is difficult but not impossible. The bright side of course is that you get to see many parts of the US (or the world). 

6. You hit the nail on the head - the real issue is your son. 

7. My son's girlfriend was not interested in being a military wife. She is extremely close to her parents and wanted to stay in our local area.  My son finished his 5 year commitment to the Navy in March, came home and they got married in July. They live within 45 minutes from us and 45 minutes from her parents.

8. But if you think this bf is the one - go for it, you'll make it work. The two of you will form a family unit with your son and your future children.  Being a career Navy man can be wonderful.  If he is a ET (electronic something or another), he'll be earning good pay along with getting excellent training. Private industry loves to hire ex-military with specialized training. Don't forget he can get an education (like a college degree and masters) all the courtesy of the Navy.  For example, I know one young man who joined the Navy as a nuke when he was 18. He got his degree in Electrical Engineering (four year university). Applied for and was accepted in the Officer Candidate School. After another 5 years, he used his shore duty to attend a prestigious university and just finished his MBA.  When he retires from the Navy he will still be in his early 40s with all the wonderful education and work experience.  He is going to do very well in the corporate world. 

[amandamomof4]

 I want to ask you what do you think and what do you want to do? If you are finishing college you are 20-22ish? and also a mom. In your post I read alot about what your mom thinks and feels but not what you think and feel. I don't want you think i am being mean when I ask these questions because i mean them in a nice way. I can understand your mom, I have a 20 yr old daughter married to a soldier. Did I want her to get married right out of high school? no.... did I want her to give up her scholarships and move to alaska? no Did I support her while she did it? yes because I found it better to support her decisions and choices and have influence than to drive her away by being against her choices. She was over 18 and did not need my permision to get married.

So yes he could be deployed he will likely be on a ship and the ships deploy. I do not know how long or how often. But lots of people live through deployment.

He may get out after 4 yrs or maybe not if you are a married couple I am sure you will discuss it when the time comes and do what is best for your family.

Just because you move out of state doesn't mean you cant visit your parents and your parents can't visit you.

 

In my opinion it is unrealistic for your mother to expect you to put your relationship on hold for 4 years if getting married and being a family is what you want to do.

 

[Anti M]

My father didn't want me to get married a second time at age 30!  

The others have made good points, especially about your son, so I won't repeat them.  Honestly, I think your mother is being selfish.  Why should your life be on hold for her grandchild?

You are correct, financially being married is a huge advantage. A step-child of a sailor,  even if not adopted formally, gets the same free medical coverage as a biological child of a service member, and an ID card until they are 18. Is he insured 100% now?  He'd be an official dependent.  For example, if you got base housing, your son would qualify you to get a place with two bedrooms.

  Four years... I'd guess you'd only move once or twice (down to his school if it is long enough, and to his first duty station).  If he were to re-enlist, the moves would only be about every three or four years, depending on his rate (job).  He's in aviation, so he could be going to a carrier, or to a squadron.  He could deploy for months at a time, but would come back to you at his homeport or base.  Could he be sent to the war zone?  Maybe, they need all types of support there other than fighting troops.  He joined the military, that's what the military does. Far more likely to be on a carrier.

[Ky4giraffe]

BunkerQB ,

My son is two years old, 27 months. My boyfriend and I have been dating since New Years but we were good friends since September 2011. Because my son’s father has never been in his life the only father figure he knows is my boyfriend. He is fantastic with my son and loves him like his own.

I am 21, graduate in December with a paralegal degree. If I were to move I’d have to learn the laws of whatever state we move to. However, I am willing to go back to school for something more portable. My original idea was to go to a 2 year school to get my paralegal degree so I’d have a good job to save to go to a 4 year school to find a job better set for me.

amandamomof4 ,

I don’t think what you are asking is mean; it’s a very good question. Before he left we did everything together. When he was in basic training we wrote long letters that were more like journals. We wrote everyday detailing our thoughts, ideas, and about our day. We have never raised our voices at each other we don’t always agree with each other but we have great communication and discuss our issues. He has made me happier than anyone else I have ever dated. We fit perfectly together.

Also I told my boyfriend if we were going to get married we’d have to do it in my home state and I want to try to spend Christmas with my family or at least either we go there for a week during the summer or my parents come by us for a week in the winter (if we go somewhere warm because my parents live in Wisconsin where its cold).

Anti M,

Sadly right now because I am a full time student I don’t have a job with insurance so my son is getting it from the state. Having normal insurance for him would be great – for me too! 

[Anti M]

One detail, if you wait until after he gets through A school to marry, as in you don't fly down there and get it done, he could get orders overseas as a single sailor.  If you married after he got orders like that, you could not go overseas.  You could do the courthouse thing to secure you spouse status and his status as a married sailor, then have the family ceremony later at home.  Just a factor to consider.  There's more than one GF or new wife sitting in the US with a sailor in Japan for three years.

He should get time off at Christmas, so you can make the decision how to handle the logistics of marriage and orders in person.  Have him check out the regulations before you both make any hard and fast decisions, information is your friend.

[Ky4giraffe]

He did say something about that to me. He asked me about doing a courthouse wedding when he is home for Christmas but I don't know if that would be to late.
However, I do know that if my mother found out about a courthouse wedding she would probably freak out. 

[BunkerQB]

Some moms (mostly) used "freaking out" as a way of controlling the outcome. Tell your mom, you will come back home for the celebration (reception) and let her organize it.

I have a good feeling about you and your man. I really like the fact that he has taken to your son - men like that are hard to find. I think he is a keeper. If you are smart enough to get your paralegal degree, you can probably get your teacher credential in something. I believe you can get a part time job (so you won't be away from your son too much) for a lawyer and a small law firm who need help but don't want a full time paralegal. My husband is a lawyer. His secretary decided to go back to college but still needs some income, so she works for my husband once or twice a week. She is signing up for her PhD. She has informed my husband that he can't retire until she is finished w school. LOL.  Good luck.

[Ky4giraffe]

Thank you!
I'm pretty close to my mom so I like having her approval but at the same time I know she shouldn't try to control my life. 
I'm really not sure how the courthouse thing works. Does it have to be done at his base or could we when he is home for Christmas? 

[Anti M]

You could do it either way.  Just look up your local county clerk for the license info and a list of JoP who can do the ceremony.

[sweetred1010]

Most base installations also have a chapel that will do the ceremony.  We have friends that got married at the base chapel and it was nice, if you just want something small and not so drawn out.

My parents (also military) did the courthouse thing and they just made the appointment and went. A few family member went too and it was also nice.

I know exactly how you feel, my mom reacted the same way when we told her we were getting married.  She insisted we wait a year and plan it out :/  But thats not always easy with military.   We married a few months later, and everything worked out, it just took a while for my mom & family to digest the idea.  Its all out of love :)

[Ky4giraffe]

We were thinking possibly doing the courthouse wedding and then do a ceremony big wedding later when we have time and money. We thought we could do the courthouse way first just so he has a better chance of staying in the states and then we’d have enough money for my son and I to move down by him. It would be easier to do it up here by me because it would be hard to fly down by him with my son. Hopefully he will have enough time off to get the process down here. 

[amandamomof4]

You know I tell my kids that sometimes if you tell me something that I am not expecting or don't see comming I might freak out. And it's my right to freak out but when I am done freaking out I will usually figure out the best way to help you.

My daughter had a courthouse wedding with one day notice to me and my husband just a few days before her husband left for basic training. We were the witnesses while he was at basic and a school we planned a wedding.

If the two of you decide to get married (and it sounds to me like that is what you want to do) just be understanding but firm with your mom. give her room to freak out  but let her know you want her understanding and her help. That no matter what happens you love her and are going to make an effort to continue your and your sons relationship with her.