Navy Moms dealing with Navy Dads

[Jennifer G]

So far I all I seen is tough, badass moms out there that can handle almost anything.

Can anyone out there help or advise a Navy Mom who is not only dealing with the whirlwind of a Navy Nuke about to leave for BC, but a husband who doesn't seem to be handling it well.

David is becoming reclusive and agitated.  (That the Navy Dad) Christopher leaves 3/12/12. (that's the Nuke) Is it easier for men to alienate themselves in order to deal with their son leaving?  

Is it a defense mechanism to keep them from feeling helpless or sad that their boy is leaving the nest?

I think David is torn.  We are VERY proud of Christopher.  But I think David envies the fact that Christopher is at the beginning of his life with such a wonderful opportunity and Dave is 50, sick and on medical leave.

I just want to support them both without falling apart myself.

Can anyone out there associate with what I am going through??

[Jennifer G]

Depression is a medical condition that can be treated with medication just as diabeties or high blood pressure.  Yes, there are other methods that work, but you should hold off on saying anything about medication if you do not know the entire story.

How do you know we haven't been to YEARS of conselling?

How do you know whether or not depression is a battle I have been fighting for 20 years?

What makes you think that medication subdued the conversation?

Perhaps it HELPS the person who is so depressed they can't see the good in life look up and see clearer - like glasses to a child who cannot read the chalkboard.  DId you think of that?

Medication may not have been our first choice - but regardless TOM CRUISE don't open your mouth about medication before you have learned all the facts.  For some people medication is not the horrible stereotype some put on it.

I CAN'T stand it when someone judges another because of the choice in their health care methods.  

And if you think your comment was not derogatory or demeaning, then you should read it to yourself as if YOU are the one on medication.  Would you tell a cancer patient - Geez! I so hate it when I hear chemo is the first choice.

I am insulted, infuriated and down right upset.  

[CaptainFatso]

With all due respect...

Having been married for 25 plus years myself, I'm pretty convinced that wife is almost always wrong when she says that I'm a jerk... ok... sometimes I am.

Fortunately in that 25 years, I've learned the best way for me to handle an estrogen overload that might otherwise send me into a testosterone induced burst of anger, is to retreat to my man cave.

I think Concenedad's observation was spot on. IF your intent was unload on "Navy Dad", a public forum was probably the worst place to do it. If that is indeed what you want to do, might I suggest Bunco? In fact, I'm almost certain that God created Bunco so that women could unload about their jerk husbands.

[Concernedad]

"Fortunately in that 25 years, I've learned the best way for me to handle an estrogen overload that might otherwise send me into a testosterone induced burst of anger, is to retreat to my man cave."

 

Considering you are in the Navy Mom's website, I'd say you are mighty brave. I'd suggest duck and cover if I were you.:)

 

[Concernedad]

Well, if you re-read my post, I didn't say medication doesn't serve a purpose. I said I hate when it is the "first choice". I would have thought considering all the information you provided, IF you had been going to counseling, you would have included that as well, considering you shared all the medications you were currently taking.

Considering your entire post was asking for advice on how to deal with an issue, I would certainly not be expecting you to get angry when someone offers said advice. Perhaps you should have titled your thread, "Mom just wants to unload about Navy Dad".

So, I'm guessing you are definitely NOT one of those people who feel doctors may be over-medicating our population, and one of the problems with the current healthcare system is that doctors are much quicker to prescribe medications than to suggest people change their lifestyles first?

And yes, I myself am on medications which I think are probably unnecessary except my doctor has managed to put enough fear in me that I take it in spite of what makes sense to me.

Out of curiousity, do you think it better for a doctor to suggest a patient lose weight (and set up a diet plan) FIRST or immediately put them on high blood pressure and high cholesterol medicines? Just wondering.

Now, if I truly wanted to seem insensitive, it seems I would take note that considering you are "insulted, infuriated and down right upset" you may want to discuss with your doctor upping your medication.

Sorry I tried to help.

[Jennifer G]

How about getting a new doctor?  One you can trust.

And your advice was encompassed in a general statement of over-medication and you obvious feeling of your mistrust in doctors.

If your doctor "fears" you into medication - he's an asshole.

I have know mine for 15 years and he as always given me all the options, life changing plans, and MY best health in mind rather than his Rx kickback.

Next time you want to help, just say "have you tried counsling?" without the other biased comments.

And, NO. I am NOT one of those people who blame the doctors.  I blame our lazy-ass, I-want-it-now, ignorant society that convinces people they are OWED something rather then EARNING something and that to be happy we all have to be skinny, materialistic narcissists that get their dry cleaning, oil change, non-fat fast food and bank deposit all done at once in 30 seconds or less or it free.

[Concernedad]

OK, apparently I worded my answer wrong. In the future, if I am ever foolish enough to try and offer you advice, I will have you marked under "handle with kid gloves". You should have included an asterisk and warning at the bottom of your original post *warning, author may become infuriated and down right upset if handled improperly.

Now, to respond to your assessment of our current population, I believe you have mixed our societal issues. We were not discussing the workforce, unemployment and the "me" generation of consumers, we were discussing the healthcare issues in our litigious society. The true problem is not mistrusting your doctor, the issue is that once put on medication, no doctor wants to risk a lawsuit by removing you from your medication, because God forbid you one day die from your diagnosed malady, the medical profession knows they will be sued to the hilt.

I trust my doctor, or else I would have gotten a second opinion. However, I also realize the position their malpractice insurance companies have put them into.

[Jennifer G]

I apologize for the outburst.

You hit a nerve my sister has been preaching for years and I lashed at you. I believe that some things can be best aided by medication after other non-chemical influences have been adjusted.  Sometimes... the pill is the final puzzle piece.

I did not see the attempt to help but rather reacted to the surrounding comments.  You did try to help and for that I say thank you. For the rest - I say I am sorry.

[JessicaB-Sailor Mom]

Jennifer...that was a great apology...something that you don't see often

[JessicaB-Sailor Mom]

There is a Navy Dads site as  well...not as active as this one but good info and the Admin are very supportive of new members who have concerns

[CaptainFatso]

Yes there is... however I took y'all up on that Moms and loved ones of sailors bit.

While I think that Navy Dads is a solid site, you women just do a hell of a lot better job of establishing networks and communities. The amount and flow info on this site is amazing. More, the amount of cooperation and coordination among strangers is mind blowing.

Think about it, in eight short weeks, a bunch of strangers from all over the country, will connect over the internet, coordinate PIR meet and greets, share rides, and wear the same silly color ribbons and scarfs to a graduation.

There are grass roots political movements that would drool over the network you've established.

[Denise-- Seabee Mom]

My god all this just cause dad is dealing the way he is. Give him time to adjust too. Men have emotions to but they are conditioned not to show them the way we do.

He has health problem, his son is leaving, god knows what the roller coasters of emotions his wife is showing. Plus Jennifer had comment that dad feels bad cause he cant go to PIR for health reasons.

My advise:

GIVE THE MAN A BREAK!!!

PS I have to agree meds would be at the bottom of my list too.Depression can be treated with life style changes too.

[Jennifer G]

I am not trying to man bash my Navy Dad.  I am trying to understand what is going on in that stubborn-not-talking-to-anyone head of his.

So there's a man cave? Really?

If I leave him to grunt and moan and possibly kill a mountain lion and bring it home he will get better?

I do not think like a man - I am not a man - and this is our first child to leave the home, our only son, and yes, David has a slew of medical conditions that has sent him to permanent disability until he either gets sick enough to almost die and get a new heart or the heart fairy magically fixes his existing only pumping 25% heart in his sleep.

I have been through the gambit of medical doctors, rehab, therapies, counseling, group support, priest consultation, the works.  Basically - I have recently found out from a dad on here (THANK YOU VERY MUCH) that there is actually a problem in this day and age if a man doe not provide financially for his family.

David is 50 years old. He has had 3 heart attacks since age 27. Two of them were June and July of 2011. He is on long term disability and not allowed to return to work until the cardiologist gives him the ok. The financial burden in on me and he feels like less of a man for not contributing.

Since we have adjusted medications for cholesterol, high blood pressure, plaque, liver, kidneys, fluid retention, depression, insomnia, and CHD David has had more mood swings than a sorority house out of Midol. Christopher's leaving has seemed to have disrupted the peace and balance I thought we had finally achieved.

So I asked other moms out there - Has your once normal husband and father turned into a person you don't recognize? Perhaps I should have asked the dads - what is a man's response to his eldest and only son's leaving and what as a wife can I do or not do to make him feel better? I don't know how to reach him.

I did not wish to turn up ill feelings of the wohs of our society, the sensitivity of feelings or the socio-economic issues of today.

I simple wish to know whether I must kill the cave man or lock him in his room and talk to him when he wants to come out and play human again.   

Women find support and comfort in sharing. Men seem to feel better if they can kinetically change things.

My apologies to all who tried to help and I bit your head off.  I appreciate the thought.  Thanks, but therapy has been tried and does not work for us.