Soon to be a Navy Girlfriend, having moments of doubt...

[bucketwater]

I've been a military brat pretty much all of my life. My dad served in the Air Force for over 25 years. I swore I wouldn't date a military guy, but here I am, dating a guy who has been working his whole life to join.

 

I'm really unhappy about his choice, but I'll support him regardless. The thing is though he can hardly tell me anything I need to know. My main worry is the length of time he'll be gone, not only during deployments but when he is back and working. I plan to move to where he gets stationed, but I worry that even when home I'll only see him a few hours a week. The worst thing is is he says he wants to be in for life, and in all honesty I don't know if that's something I can handle. My dad was away more in my life than he was there, and I don't want that with my boyfriend.

 

I  want to make things work but I need answers. This will be really difficult on our relationship and I need to know exactly what I will be in for.

 

What can I expect with him being a new recruit? Aside from deployments, what else should I know about? I've been looking around online, but it just helps to actually have someone tell you what to expect instead of reading it from other sources. I've been torn up about this for awhile. I love my boyfriend, but I have been questioning my ability to handle it for awhile now. I'm not worried about either of us remaining faithful, but about the time and distance tearing us apart. Until recently when he moved back in with his parents, we saw eachother every day. We're long distance now and see eachother every two months, and that is already pretty hard.

[BunkerQB]

Why do you have to make a permanent choice right this minute? What if you finish your education? Or start classes to get a degree?  It will give both of you time to get things done. Be more mature. Get your education under you belt, so you'll be more employable wherever you go. The two of you also need to work out better communications with each other. When times are tough and you are away from each other, it's all you have. It will drive you crazy if you feel all alone all the time. My son and his fiancee have known each other for 7 years. 5 years ago, they would not have made it if they had gone married. But they are so happy now. So..  my recommendation is to slow things down.

[bucketwater]

I'm currently in my last semester; I get my degree in May. I chose to spend the few extra months, two semesters, to finish school instead of moving in with him. I plan on moving out by the end of summer, so it's not going to happen immediately but pretty soon.

 

Communication has been an issue we've been trying to work on; I want to talk every day, he doesn't. We only talk a few times a week right now at best but text each-other throughout the day every day. It's something I already told him we're really going to have to work on for this to work when he joins the Navy. I'm aware there will be times where I won't be able to talk to him for days, maybe even weeks, but when given the opportunity there definitely needs to be sufficient communication, no doubt about that.

 

I'm not trying to rush things, but I don't have many options right now. My family is moving to the East coast and due to personal reasons I'm not going with them. I don't know when they're going to move - it could be this summer or next year - but I have to be able to be on my own feet by then.

 

 

[Angie]

Is he even in the USN yet?  He won't know how long he will be gone on deployments...the norm used to be 6 months ever other year...that is gone!  It can be 6-12 months out in for a few months out again for 6+ months.

 

What if he gets stationed overseas?

 

If you can't support him being in the military, recommend you get out now!  If you can't be ready for things to change at the drop of the hat, with him not knowing and you not blaming him, get out now!  I

[bucketwater]

I did say that I was going to support him. "I'm really unhappy about his choice, but I'll support him regardless." And I'm not concerned with things changing, I've dealt with that before and I don't have problems coping with moving and starting over with some things such as finding new friends, work, and places to go. That I can deal with, it's not a problem. My concern is that I will hardly ever see him. Let's just say he stays in ten years, and out of those ten years I only see him a total of one year. That's what bothers me.  I worry that I will not be emotionally strong enough to endure that much seperation, not if he plans on staying in his whole life. For a few years, yeah, I could handle it. But if I only see him a month out of a year, that's what's making me question myself. That's why I'm posting here, to gather information and to hear about other people's experiences. I'm sure there are others that have felt this way, and I'm sure that out of those people, some made it through and others did not. Those people that have made it through could offer some valuable advice on coping with the seperation, which is the reason for the post.

 

And I think you misunderstood what I meant by him not knowing what's going on. I'm not asking specifics, I'm asking for an estimate. Like, "When are you going to join?" or "How long after you complete training do you generally get stationed?" I'm not blaming him for not knowing and I don't need to know exact dates. I just need answers so I can figure out how to go about this. When I should expect the initial move for one. If I move in with him now, I don't want him to get stationed within two months and have to move again with a lease on my hands. That's why I want to know. I want to know if I should wait for him to complete training to move out of my current place or to move with him before he enlists and possibly spend 6 months with him before he goes off to training. He says he might not be in until after summer, but he's going to enlist after the semester is over in May. So I'm not sure when this is all going to happen. I'm not familiar with the Navy.

 

And no, he's not in yet. He is enlisting after he finishes this last three credits in college so that he can join. He's talked to a few recruiters and they told him that's all that's left and then he'll be able to enlist.

[Anti M]

One,  join the wives/fiance/GF group here.  Get some perspective from ladies nearer your age. There are several groups, this is the one I keep an eye on (someone with experience has to hang out there too)

http://www.navyformoms.com/group/girlfriendsfianceswivesofsailors

Delayed entry can take  up to a year between when he commits to join and when he ships to basic training. You'll know more once he tests and goes through MEPS.

As a GF, you will have zero status with the Navy.  He will be required to live in the barracks during A school, and even when he finally gets to the fleet, he won't be given a housing allowance to live off base until he makes E-5.  In an overmanned Navy, that can take years.  Heck, his initial training could take a couple years.  (Is he going officer or enlisted? Officers are somewhat different)  So don't expect to live with him right away after boot camp, it won't be happening.  As for training after boot camp, some A schools are very short, just a few weeks and then to the fleet.  But others... roughly two years.  And if he gets stationed overseas, you aren't going.  

Unless... you're married (and then overseas may still mean you stay behind to wait).  A new type of pressure.  As a spouse, the Navy gives you access, including informing you if he gets hurt, or simply going on base to pick him up after work.  GFs get none of that.  Oh, and as a military spouse, the place you rent will have a military clause allowing breaking of the lease in case his orders change.  And things like paid moves (in certain cases).  There are a couple discussions in the GF group about this.

Communications are key, as is trust.  He will be out of touch for weeks or months sometimes.  Texting will drop off, he can't use his phone at all in boot camp, and it will be restricted during A school to limited hours when he isn't busy, and at sea?  Nope.  Same with phone calls, and email.  That's an adjustment.  

When he gets to the fleet, his schedule when in port could very well be much like a job with occasional duty days.  Liberty is normal time off, like weekends or evenings, and many holidays.  I was in the Navy, and my job was pretty much a day job.  Or not, when I had duty or the gear broke.  But you'd see him more than a few hours a week, more like dating a guy who works long hours.  Of course, if he's on a ship, and sailors are, they deploy, and those can be quite long.  You'd have some communication, but he'll be gone a lot.  You must be able to form friendships, to stay sane, and to run a home, plus work.  Thousands of spouses do it.  We don't know what jobs he qualifies for, if he'll go to a ship, or volunteer for subs, or be aircrew, or something else.  So many variables... for now expect him to be a sailor on a ship.

As for "in for life", meh, not so much.  20 years is shorter than you think, and it is darn difficult to stay in anymore.  I served nine years, my husband did 20 (I met him about halfway through his career).   You can make a marriage and family and a career work, but I won't lie, it isn't easy.  Many make it, but many do not.  For now, just be supportive, and learn all you can.  Work on yourself as an individual, find out what you want too, and how you can fit that into a Navy life.

[BunkerQB]

Marriage under any circumstance demand willingness on both parties to COMPROMISE. If you guys is the non-communicative sort - you should get that resolve first before you commit to marriage. You have to get this resolve - it won't get better in the military - it'll get worst.

So have the two of you been to pre marital counseling? Try it first. Someone who won't let you in - his mind, his heart, his soul - is not worth marrying - it'll end up in divorce court.

My very humble opinion. 

BQB,

P.S. I have been very lucky. I could not imagine having a relationship without a special bond with each other. I know what is in his mind. We enjoy each other company more than anyone else's. There is very little we can't talk about.

[bucketwater]

Thanks Anti M, you had a lot of things to say for me to think about. I believe he is just going in as enlisted, but he plans on ranking up to an officer. I know I won't be able to live with him while he's in training and that he'll have to stay in the barracks even after he's through, but I had planned to move to the same city he was and rent a place so that he could at least see me after work for a few hours before going back to the barracks. That way I figured on his days off we could also see each other. Of course, that would be expensive, and if he does get stationed overseas it might not even be possible.

 

We've mentioned marriage briefly a few times, but haven't had a serious discussion about it. At this point it is a little soon, but it wouldn't hurt to really talk about it before he joins. Right now I think it would be in our best interest to wait and see what exactly is going on before jumping into something like that. It is definitely something I can bring up when he comes to visit in a month. That's a conversation I would rather have in person.

 

We haven't done any sort of counceling. Communication has only been a problem since we've been long distance, and it's not about what we can tell each other, but the frequency that we talk. We don't hide anything from each other, and if there are any issues that need to be discussed we talk it out. It's the lack of communication we need to work on. It's been getting better, slowly, but sometimes he gets into these moods where he just does not want to talk for long periods at a time, and I can't have him doing that when he joins the Navy and communication will be limited as is.

[BunkerQB]

Remember he too will be suffering during the periods of no being able to communicate (deployment, etc). Who knows, maybe when it happens, he'll be a chatterbox. He may realize he needs it as much as you do. Good luck.

[bucketwater]

Thank you.