Unsupportive mother?

[short10210]

I am from NW Ohio and moved with my husband to 29Palms, CA. He is an active duty Marine. Prior to him joining I wanted to do Nat Guard, he said no way was he going to be a military husband so i dropped it. I brought up the military now again, he is more mature and told me he never wants me to resent him for telling no on something like this, that I supported him so it's his turn to support me. So I have decided on the Navy Reserves. Well I told my mom and she is SOOO mad. She told everyone in my family and none of them support me. They ask why I can't be content with bein a military spouse. I want to accomplish something and I really want to do this. I am 22 years old and really don't have anything going for me other then my husband (by this I mean, I don't have a degree and I am working with computer sales/light tech work, so nothing holding me back work/school wise). Doing this will make me feel better about myself and achieve that goal I had back in 08/09, of joining the military. My mother is set on her ways, if she doesn't get her way she will make the person she is fightings life hell. She is also a gossip and well talk shit about what I am doing. So living this far away is a plus when doing this. I told her she can come meet my recruiter when she comes to visit over Christmas.
I guess my question is, were any of you mothers unsupportive at the beginning? why did you come around? 
If she doesn't support me up until the day I leave, I think I will just have my husband at graduation. If you can't learn to support me prior, then you don't get to support me after my accomplishments. Is that wrong? 

[Craig]

short, 

Obviously joining the Navy is very important to you, and once your mom sees that, she will support you whether or not she wants you to go. Now if she doesn't......

We can make all kinds of assumptions about why your mom doesn't want you to join, but you need to ask her outright and deal with all her specific objections and concerns, and I would suggest asking your recruiter to help you with this.

So here's my advice:

1. Talk about the Navy with your mom every day for a few days. Talk mainly about why she doesn't want you to join, and keep stressing that joining the Navy is very important to you. Try your best to convince her on your own, but don't count on it.

2. Tell your recruiter you want to set up a "home visit" to talk to your mom when she visits, who is the main reason why you are not joining right there on the spot. Ask which recruiter is the best at using "PSS" (Professional Selling Skill) and have him or her do the home visit. It's their job to help your family understand why you want to join.

3. Make sure you tell your mom about the home visit and if she protests, just tell her you already set it up  (remember, she's on your turf now) and it would be important to you for her to just sit down and talk to the recruiter. If you have a dad, make sure he's there too, if possible. I know you don't want to make her unhappy, but even though she may be unhappy that the recruiter is coming over, the intent is that she will be happy that you are joining.

4. During the home visit with the recruiter, just be open and honest about why you want to join. The recruiter will ask your mom a lot of questions and talk to her, hopefully letting her see that joining the Navy is a good thing for you. Most of the time, a parent's concerns are based on misinformation, and if that's the case, the recruiter will identify those concerns and show your mom a more accurate picture.

At this point, one of two things will happen: Your mom will come around and give you her blessing, or she'll she'll walk away or want to throw the recruiter out of his house and stick to her opinion. Don't be afraid to have multiple meetings with your mom and recruiter. You are not in a rush! Take your time and give your mom all the information she needs to try and understand where you are coming from.

Now, if she doesn't come around, I say join the Navy anyway. She won't like it, but if/when she goes to your Boot Camp graduation and sees you in your uniform, and sees how happy you are, and sees how happy and proud the hundreds of other sailors and families are, she would have to be a very cold person to not come around then.

I hope that helps, and let us know how it goes!

Things you should always remember while you talking to your mom:
Both College, and the Navy are 4 years (alot of times 5 years long). So as far as time is concerned, they are both a wash.

But after 4 years with the Navy you will leave with zero (0) education cost. The Navy will not only pay for all of your
education while in, but they will give you education money once you get out to continue your advance Masters, or Doctorates degree. Should you decide not to use it, then you can pass it along to your children.

You will also have the experience in whatever job you will be doing. Most of the batlte in the civilian world if no one wants to hire you because you have no experience. Not only will the Navy give you the experience, but you will also become a leader.

- You will get BAH (Housing), my son make $3000 per month in Hawaii for housing. That's $36K per year that most people do not figure in.

- Medical - man, medical cost most families $4K or more per year. Then they have to pay dedectable

- Dental - Your and your family is free, how much does this cost your college friends?

- BAS (Food allowance) - Yep, yet again we get paid extra for food. Do they?

- Gym - Our gyms are state of the art. They are awesome. We don't pay for them.

- Vision - Yep free vision

- 30 days of vacation - Do you parents or anyone you know get 30 days vacation a year? Even someone with 30 years in a civilain company doesn't. But remember, depending on the rating, you won't be able to take it all at once.
- Career Sea Pay - More money again that people fail to take into consideration.
- Clothing Maintenance Allowance - Do civilian companies pay for your uniforms? Nope....
- Governement subsidized grocery store (commissary) - Our grocery stores are non-profit. We get things extremely cheap. 1 Gallon of milk in Hawaii in the economy = $11, and at the commissary $2.
- Extremely cheap life insurance ($20 for $200K worth of coverage)
- Legal (notaries, advise) - Free
- Tax free shopping (Exchange)
- Annual Cost of Living adjustments (~3.5%)
- Moving expenses
- You can retire at age 38.... Get paid $1800mo for life
- Burial for life for you and spouse ($10K x 2), plus child if under 21
- Free or near free heath benefits for life (you and spouse, and children under 21 or 23 of going to college)
- VA home loans

The list just goes on and on. I just love hammering people that fail to realize what we truly get.  Most people look at the bottom of the IRS 1040 form and see how underpaid we are, what they fail to realize is most of our income is tax free.  Which is the best.   My bet is you'd be making more than your mom.  

Man, I should be a recruiter huh?

[Concernedad]

I was an unsupportive father (geez, sounds like an AA meeting).

My son had college scholarship offers based on academics and I told him to do whatever he wanted after he graduated. However, he wasn't going to listen. So, I did my own research. Read everything I could find. Determined that I'd rather he be in the Navy than his original plans to join the Marines and be in the infantry.

Bringing in the recruiter can go either way, depending on the recruiter. I managed to chase off the Marine recruiter by asking too many questions.

The end result is, my son is in A School as an ET. He's probably attending as many classes now as had he gone to college (your mother might like to hear this). He's getting paid to go to classes, and many count towards, hopefully, a college degree. He is maturing in ways which he definitely never would had he gone to college instead.

In short, remind your mother you are 22 years old now, and need to be responsible for your own decisions. While explaining to her your reasons, focus on the positive points. Hopefully your reasons for wanting to join are also well thought out.

I came to realize, if I kept my son from joining, and his life went askew, I didn't want to be blamed for his failure. It is, after all, his life....and yours as well.

Good luck with Mom. Stay strong and I'd suggest an outline of your reasons for wanting to join. It's hard to argue logic.

P.S. I am a very proud Sailor's father now.

[ibmom]

Short,

I wouldn't say I was unsupportive, but in denial.  Since about 8th grade, the military is all my son wanted to do.  His father and I said "fine, after college" and I told my son I would only allow him to consider Navy or Air Force. (like I really had a vote)  Thankfully, he  wanted to go Navy.  Until this past spring (leading into his Senior year of high school), I was still unwilling to consider his not going to college.  We had a "moment" during spring break when the lights came on for me.  He's a man, this means everything to him and I can't, nor do I want to, control his life at this point.  At some point, if we are doing the right thing, we, as parents, have to realize that our job is to lay the foundation for your lives, then, maybe make suggestions as to what we think is best, but the rest is up to you. 

When I graduated from college, I wanted to join the Navy.  My dad, who had paid for my college, and my oldest brother both told me absolutely not.  My dad had served 4 years in the army in Europe during WWII, fought in 4 of the major battles there and my brother at been a Corpman in the Navy in the early 70's...Vietam era.  Both had seen a life I didn't understand.  I respected their opinions and didn't enlist.  To this day, I regret that decision...to a degree.  Had i joined, my life would have been different, I would have not met my husband.  In short, your mother can't make this decision for you.  If you have the support of a loving spouse and you already have regret about the earlier decision not to join, then you will never be completely satisfied with your career choice until you give this a chance.  You can't controll your mother's personality flaws, but you can control not letting them negatively affect your decisions in life.  Best wishes

[Craig]

ibhmom - That was a great!  Totally honest and truthful, which is what the Navy is all about.  Hopefully short will see where her mom is coming from.   

Short - Like ibhmom's dad and brother,  so many older people are basing information on the wrong information.  Your mom could be scared of you being in a combat zone.  Rightfully so.  I know alot of moms are truly scared for their sailors.  But lets talk about the true facts, instead of the unknowns.

I wrote these two post before and I will remove the names of the person I wrote them to. But hopefully this will help convincing your mom.  A lot of older people are basing their information on obsolete data.  Heck we're in the 2010 era, people need to start using the current data and not data from the year 1945 or the 1960's.  The war zone in 2000's is totally different.

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xxxxxx - In todays age, I wouldn't be scared at all.  Heck our police get shot at more than our military.  I'd much rather be in Afganistan as a CT, than walking through the ghetto in my own country (the U.S.)

What people fail to realize is that when they show the # of military that have died in the middle east, it includes people that died in car accidents and other weird stuff (ie suicides).  You have more chances of getting wacked here in the U.S. just by driving a car down the street.  Everyone still has that WW2 stuff in their heads where we lost thousands per day.  But lets look at the true numbers in our generation.  It's 1850 people since 2001.  That to me is incredible. Heck, we're at war! 1850 people in 10 year of war is not that much.  It's just that the news plays it up.  

I truly hate talking about deaths, especially to a bunch of moms and spouses.  But people just need to know the facts.   10 years of war (1850 people) doesn't even add up to the single day of the World Trade Center killings (2996 people).   We can walk around scared or we can live our lifes.  To me, I would be honored for my son to spearhead our military in the middle east.  When you look at the numbers, it shows that he's not in harms way.  

Just my view.....of course, I'm not a mom either.... 

http://icasualties.org/oef/

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xxxxxxxxxxxxxx - I'm a guy so I don't have the same emotions as you women.  However, I did want to say, what made me totally comfortable is I knew exactly where my son was every night.  There was never a second guess.  I actually got the best nights sleep once he went to boot camp.  None of this 2 am in the morning stuff.  Plus I knew he was in good hands....    His life begins now.  I know you're proud, and you should be.  The Navy is an awesome place for people to be now.  

Seriously, start focusing on the positive things.  You will soon realize that for 18 years or so you have been the "referee" in your son's life.  You were the rule setter and the penalty enforcer.  But as your son's life changes, so will your's.  You will now become the "cheerleader" for him.  You will watch and cheer as he works his way through the advancement system, the qualification standards, and simple things like just folding his towels correctly.  You will stand and scream at the PIR as his division enters, and you will cheer as his ship enters San Diego or Norfolk after a deployment.  I have decided it is far more important for me to be a cheerleader than a referee.  Don't waste your time on the sadness, focus your feelings on the positive things that will help your son. 

 

May I suggest you not bring your sadness into the letters you write.  He has alot more stuff on his mind than to worry about the sadness you're feeling.  Keep him focus.  Praise him.  Keep him motovated.  Yes, your 1st letter you will get will say "What have I done, I want out of here"... this is normal, alot of kids say that.  But they will soon realize that the quickest way out of boot camp is just to complete it.  By the time the 6th week comes along, then you'll get letters like "This isn't bad, we actually had a great time today".  Just keep him motovated, keep him focused, and tell him how proud you are of him.  You gave the Navy your son, and in 8 short weeks they will return a mature and capable man.  He will have the foundation to be a leader, and he will have ability and knowledge to be a successful person in life. 

I want you to watch this video by Ollie North.  Play it a couple times.  Its not enjoyable, it is riveting!  Talk about making a kid self sufficient!  Woo-hoo, I love when recruits become sailors.... It makes my day!  Go Navy!!!!!

 

 

I love the last part..... GO NAVY! 

 

[MOMOF2BOYS]

I can say that I WAS NOT supportive at all.... But, it's because my son was talking about this at 16 and would not even consider checking out colleges.  He is now 17, just signed a few weeks ago for Air Crew and is leaving a few weeks after graduation (July 11th 2012).  I can NOW say that I support him and will always be very proud.  He is so young and I wouldnt accept that he is getting older, I was scared...  Your mom will come around... sooner than later I hope, sure shes just scared for you.  But remember, you are married now and you and your husband should do what is best for the two of you...  Good luck and have a wonderful holiday