Son leaves on July 23rd, and Im not ready!

[Worried Mama Ship14/Div300]

This site has been such a shoulder for me to cry on, I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their truth, advice, and support. Like most moms I have read about, I have the endless list of questions and fears (let's not talk about the tears, because they're streaming as I speak!) I feel like the tears are always streaming, and noone but the moms on this site can understand. It feels like Im walking in a continuous cloud of grief and fear, mixed with an equal amount of pride and excitement. I know this time is about my son and all he has prepared for and excited to start doing, and I should be celebrating him and his dedication (which I am doing, believe me) but I feel more often than not, Im hiding somewhere just sobbing. He leaves in 2 weeks and I just cannot imagine how I will make it, when I cant even get through this post without the ugly face cry! Everyone I know thinks Im crazy, that this is not the end of the world (and yes, Ive gotten a few dummies who try to compare their sadness of sending their kids off to college to mine!) I know people are trying to help and be supportive, but they just dont get it. The women here seem to get it - and although it might bring out more tears for me to read through some of your experiences, I cry because I can relate and its as if your describing what Im going through. You are able to put my pain into words, and it does help to feel understood. Even my husband, who is also upset our son is leaving - seems to carry himself so differently, approach it all so differently even behind closed doors. It makes me almost resent him, foolishly thinking he is secretly happy to be shuffling our kid off so he can have me all to himself. I dont know, Im sure its just my hormonal craziness!!

There is one thing I have been noticing, and havent read much about it and wondered if anyone else is experiencing the same...my son is a family oriented kid. Always has been. We have always been close. He started to become a little distant a little argumentative about 2 months ago as he was seeing the beinning of his next step (high school graduation, boot camp approaching, etc) I sort of ignored it, it went away a little (or maybe I just learned to deal with it) The past week or so, he is very closed off and just...rude. Its so unlike him. He has had some disappointment in his recruiter (started out wonderful, then job offers changed due to vision requirements, promised to reclassify him & never did now the recruiter has been replaced by 2 others and he is now just a mentor. Andrew has a job he really didnt want, and feels stuck). Anyway, he is excited to leave, I know he is nervous as well - but is this a normall process? A way of detaching maybe? He just plays his xbox & computer ALL day everyday. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about bootcamp. I mention I read this or that on this site and he just rolls his eyes and gives a snotty comment. At times he makes me wish he were leaving the next day so he can see what ive been trying to say, but then that worries me that he will get a dose of reality that is too harsh for him! I dont know what to do - Ive tried pushing him for info, Ive tried just talking to him, offering anything and everything I can think of and it doesnt seem to help. We've beein doing some family stuff to help build memories, and he joins in and seems to enjoy himself - his nastiness seems to be directed toward me. Maybe Im imagining it, maybe Im looking for more than he is able to give. but I dont think so. I definitely dont want to mention this to the recruiter (the 2 new ones we've yet to meet) because I dont want him cast in a negative light, especially with just 2 weeks to go. I was just hoping to read that others have experienced something similar to this and that this is all normal.

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to read your posts, sympathize with your struggles, and give me the comfort zone to vent my own. It really does help in so many ways! This is my first post, and Im sorry if it was on the long side (but hey, you read it! ;)) I just had alot to get out and thank you for. I would love to hear from you, thanks again!

[harpist mom]

Worried Mama, I have raised two children, a boy and a girl, both now graduated from college, and my son entered Boot Camp back in January. His PIR was 3/9/12, and he is now in school at Pensacola. I can speak briefly to both of your issues above, particularly the one about how your son is changing. If it is any comfort to you, both my son and daughter went through the same types of behaviors when they were seniors in high school. I know jokingly refer to it as "God's way" to let you know it is time for them to leave the nest and begin a life separate from you. It was hard for me too. I did not appreciate that behavior at all at the time, and i was ready for them to go to college. The good news is: when they are away and you are not there to take care of them, they will appreciate you more and miss you. I can tell you are a good mom and your son knows it too. It sounds like it is just his way of growing up.

I totally understand how hard it is to tell your child goodbye, knowing that your contact with him will be very limited for eight weeks. There were some tough moments for me: getting the "box" was so emotionally difficult that it sat in his room unopened for over a month before I could bring myself to open it and remove his clothes and belongings. Most of these moms will tell you that Boot Camp is an emotional rollercoaster for a mom, and it is so true. I cried a lot, and I know other moms do too - they will tell you. There is a lot of good support on this page and really kind people. You are in the right place. Write your son lots of letters and tell him how proud you are of him. Send him cards. Mail is the lifeline there. I will tell you something to hold onto: it will all be worth it when you go to your son's PIR. It will be one of hte proudest days of your life! It is amazing to see the amount of change in eight weeks: my son was more respective, more mature, and more appreciative of me. I recommend prayers for peace for you and strength for your son. You will be on my prayer list.

[ohcheet (nuke MM3)]

I second what Harpist Mom said...but would like to add a few things.

First, let me say my son left a week ago. He graduated HS May 31, then a month of nothing but Xbox, computers and hanging with friends and GF...I had to make an appointment with him to get any time in the 2 weeks before he left!! When we did have time together, he too was surly and downright rude in some cases. I'm a HS teacher, and expect respect, from my students, (and from my own child especially!) but after years of dealing with the senioritis, and similar behaviors, I've come to realize a few things. First, we tend to lash out at the ones we trust the most to take it. We also expect that they'll forgive us for these behaviors. Where kids are concerned, at this point in their lives, this is their defense mechanism...they do this to distance themselves, and think that it will make it easier if they're not as close. He's scared...but being Manly, he has to push you away instead of sharing the fear, and looking like a baby. He's also excited at this new "all his" experience...and probably may not understand that it's having a profound effect on you and the family. Even if you've shown him your pride, fear, grief, and all of the other things you're feeling, even if he's the most genuine and caring individual (mine usually is) this will still have to pass...all you can do is try to keep the tears to a minimum in front of him (stay strong, put the Big Girl panties on) and show him you're proud of him....this will help him move through and be successful. Try not to take it personally as he "grows" and let him know that you still love him, but don't argue about the rude...just remind him that respect is the expectation...and walk away. It's painful, I know...been there, done that!

When he's gone, write to him...heck, write him letters now. Write down all that you're afraid for him, that you'll miss him and that you love him more than he'll ever know. If you feel like it will help, share it with him, although it sounds like he may not be in a place to "get it" right now...later he will, but that will be a moot point by then.

In the meantime...realize that we understand...we're right here to support you, and there's SOOO much information out here to help YOU know what he'll go through...so that when he does get there you'll know what he's doing!

Sorry for the "book" ....hope it helps!

L.

[Patrat-Ship04-Div223]

Worried Mama - Know this - You Are Normal! - My son left May 22nd. and I can tell you that all the things that you are feeling, I felt as well. My son and I are very close, and I also felt like as it got closer towards the time that he was leaving, he was trying to push me away. I know now that it was what he needed to do to prepare for BC. As I was going through it, I will be honest and say that it hurt, but once I started receiving his letters I knew that we still had the relationship that we always have had especially when we got his first phone call. After he had spoken to me, my daughter and my husband I got back on the phone and we talked and I asked him if he wanted to talk to dad again, and he said "Is it ok if I just stay on the phone with you?" That sealed it! We are very close to his PIR now 7/20, and I am driving my family insane, and I don't care :) I am so excited! I will say that I never thought that it would get easier, but it does. When he first left, I lost it often; in the car, in the shower, at church etc. I couldn't go in his room and everytime someone asked me about him I would tear up. I think things started to get better once I could write to him, and once we started receiving his letters it was even better. I will say that eventhough receiving the first phone call was great, I could tell that he was a little sad and that he missed us. So as much as I loved the call, I was a little sad after. That however got better too with the second call which came this past Saturday. He sounded great and was very upbeat. The relationship that we have came through again. We had just hung up and the phone rang within a few minutes and it was him again. He had tried to call his girlfriend, but she didn't answer, so since he still had time, he called back to talk with me again!  My advise to you is to stay on this site. The seasoned ones have so much great information and support to give. They are truly what as gotten me through with my sanity!  Before you know it, you will be planning for your sons PIR. I still get teary (I'm a sap to begin with) I get teary just reading peoples posts! My husband just looks at me and shakes his head! It's a MOM THING! But the tears now aren't sad tears, they are filled with excitement, and pride for my son.

[Loriemae - AD Rating - PIR 7/27]

Worried Mama - as you know from being on this site, I completely understand your feelings.  My SR is just two 1/2 weeks from PIR so my feelings are still fresh.   I agree with you about the women here at home...they really don't and can't understand what us Navy Moms are going through.  I also agree with your about those going off to college....it really isn't quite the same thing.  I believe the "flying coop" feelings are the same but it's the "no contact" and the "unknown" that makes it's different for the Navy mom's.  Everything you are feeling is completely normal and part of the journey.  Once your SR leaves, always remember "No News is Good News".  It's hard to understand right now....but it is VERY true and it will help you get through the tough moments.  I will be honest with you the first 3 weeks for me were the hardest.  I too experienced joy and pride for my son while feeling sad and lonely for myself at the same time....weird feelings to have together.  In those first couple of weeks you will focus on getting the "10 second - I'm here" call, then the box and finally the form letter about PIR and the address.  As many have said on this site....start writing immediately...it will help and your son will love receiving so many letters at once.  Number the envelopes so he knows what order to read them.  The next stage is waiting for that first letter from him...it may take a while depending on how long P-days take...it come anywhere from 3 to 4 weeks from when they left. Also, it's not uncommon for that first letter to be a bit on the sad side...that's not always the case but it was for me....I was so distraught because all he spoke of in his first letter was how much he missed us...but then we were fortunate that his first call came the next day and he sounded great.  The first call may come around 4 to 5 weeks after they leave.  You will learn that bootcamp weeks are different than weeks as we know it.  The P-days are not part of training therefore are not considered when referring to training weeks. 

As for your son's mood, I would say it's his way of preparing for leaving.  I experienced some of this too with my son.  Maybe not to the same extent but definately similar.  I kept trying to remember, if I am feeling the way I was about him leaving and I'm a 46 year old with lots of life experience...imagine what he is feeling at the young age of 19 and really very little life experience.  While not all recruits react this way....I do think it's normal.  I also think as Mom's we do read more into things than are really there...hormones play at lot into it....I least I know they did for me.  

My best advice is to try to stay busy, remember the "No News is Good News" and enjoy every minute over the next couple of weeks.  Also, I promise you....it does get easier.  By week 5/6 you will have gotten into a rhythm and will be so excited for PIR.  

Take Care and remember we are all here for you.......

[ProudNavyMom,NavySchoolofMusic]

Worried Mama,

All your feelings are SO relatable! My son will leave Tuesday - already been through MEPS & Swear In, & been in DEPS for the past 2 1/2 months. We're also on our 3 recruiter.. I hope to introduce myself tomorrow, when he's been told to come to the office.
My recruit has also been stand offish. I think they're just trying to get their thoughts together & trying to prepare the best they know how. I also have been reading EVERYTHING I can get my hands on & thinking he would love to hear it from me... NOT! So, I've stopped doing that & try to ask him if he'd like to hear about it instead. That's helped:)
My husband is taking this pretty well. It was actually through his suggestion to pursue The Navy, so he's pretty proud of that..
I hope at least some of this has helped. Somewhere you HAVE to find strength to get through this. Your family has to see that you WILL handle it amazingly:). I will be praying for you to find peace..

[Brenda]

It's all normal!  Our son went to bootcamp back in January and I know exactly what you're going through, but it does get better.  Our son changed a bit, too, before bootcamp...he became kind of irritable.  I think it's just the process of knowing things wil be different from here on out.  When I would ask him if something was wrong, he would say that he just wanted to get to bootcamp, get started, and be done with it...he didn't like waiting.  The day he shipped out, my husband, daughters, and I all got emotional when he was sworn in and when we had to say "goodbye."  I cried for days and days afterwards--whenever I would go by his room, wash his clothes that were left, or see his car in the driveway,  Anything that reminded me of him made me cry.  Thankfully it got better, especially when we could start writing letters.  I did have another "down" time when we got back from his graduation, but that didn't last as long.  I know my husband really misses our son (he is our only son-we have 4 daughters as well), but he dealt with it in his own private way since he was trying to be strong for me--I'm known to cry at the drop of a hat : )  I found out later he had his own sad times, as well.  Two of our daughters are still at home and that has helped alot.

This site was a tremendous help to me.  Anytime I had any questions or concerns, I could come here and others would answer my questions and calm my fears...it's been a huge blessing! Even if I thought my questions were silly, no one ever made me feel that way.  Everyone was just encouraging and positive.  Prayer and God's grace has also sustained us through this transition. 

Our son stayed at Great Lakes for additional 2 1/2 months for school and has now been in San Diego for over a month.  I still get sad at times, but those times are few and far between and I have come to accept this new "normal" in our lives.

Hang in there!  It will get better. 

Brenda in NC

 

 

[bneville]

I feel for you! I experienced the same behavior/attitude from my son the last couple weeks before he left (6/19). It was doubly difficult on me because my husband and I moved out of state just before his Senior yr of HS, I knew he didn't want to move and leave everything - so I made the decision to let him stay with his dad & stepmom. As if this alone wasn't difficult enough, the he decided to join the Navy. :). The year did help prepare me however for the lack of contact. He spent the last two weeks before he went in with me (which I was grateful for) ..... I also tried to make great memories. I really think these "kids" act this way as a reaction to the unknown. I know my son loves me and really wasn't trying to hurt me.....same as your son. Hang in there mama....you (and he) will make it thru this!! Hugs!

[harpist mom]

After reading the other posts just now, I did want to add a few more thoughts:

1) I was really disappointed with my son's recruiter. My son was required to go to weekly meetings and then sometimes the recruiter would not even be there. The most irritating thing was learning that the recruiter forwarded incorrect information about him to the Navy (that he was home-schooled when he clearly had a high school diploma from an accredited high school), and it was confusing when we were interviewed for his security clearance. I'm not sure what is going on with these recruiters - the Navy should look into it.

2) When I was experiencing difficulty with my children during "senoritis," someone told me that the kids lash out at the ones they feel the most secure with because they kinow that person will love them no matter what happens. Someone else mentioned it on a post already.

3) I agree with that the first three weeks are the hardest. During the "sad" moments, start making your plans for PIR and learn all you can about places to stay and things to do in the area that weekend. Believe me, it will be here before you know it.

4) Be prepared if your son sounds a little discouraged in one of the early phone calls. Just be strong for him. My son called early on because he was frustrated with some of the aspects of providing information for his security clearance (he had no computer, no cell phone and they wanted specific addresses and phone numbers). I almost cried myself.

As you can see, all these ladies can relate to what you are going through and are happy to share and help out however they can. What a wonderful, caring group!! God Bless!

 

 

[Smokeybear66]

My  son left july 8 for bootcamp I cried my heart out and kept crying until 48 hrs later. As a single mom raised him all my life very hard and he's the baby. My daughter is 21 an RN and moving into her new home in 2 weeks My son 18 the baby So I lost him first then my daughter. I have empty nest syndrome going on and my birthday he will be gone I got the phone call he was there at bootcamp it was 10 seconds you don't get to talk just listen " Mom I am here I love you I will call you again in 3 weeks" {click}  I cried my self to sleep I am doing better but not good at nights the nights are the hardest and walking pass his room I keep telling my self he has always wanted to this since he was 6 yrs old, What help my son was 4 years in ROTC at high school he went to the top his senior year and 2Great recruiters that took good care of us me and him hang in there and as me as a friend would love to talk to other moms who have gone through the bootcamp stages already Smokeybear

[Rita]

Worried Mama! I should have that name too. I feel for you and I think I understand. My son is in week 5 and i am still upset and scared. But I do have to say it is a little better because as my son starts having successes it helps me to understand and believe in the process. I guess the recruiter is a roll of the dice in terms of how they interact. I had a unfortunate situation and had to call the recruiter. I hung up before he answered because I was afraid my call to him would cause trouble for my son. The recruiter noticed the number and called back. I told him flat out that I had hung up because I was afraid to talk to him in case that caused trouble for my son. He convinced me to tell him my problem. In the course of the discussion I admitted that I was so upset I had not slept in 2 nights and really felt like I was losing it. He helped answer my Navy related questions and alleviated some of my anxiety. He called me again 2 days later to ask if I was sleeping any better. That was a kindness I had not expected and really appreciated. My son's father has cancer (ex husband) and will not be able to attend the PIR. My other son was in a car accident this past weekend with his wife. They are fine but I just do not know how much more I can take. I am withholding this information from my son right now---he does not need the worry. This site helps me and all of us . I come here and cry. The victories of the others belong to all of us. And the sadness of others belong to all of us as well. I can't really help you to stop worrying because I am right there with you. I  do not know if you are a praying person. it helps me to do so. I will include you and your son in my prayers. Know that even though I do not know you or your son or  really anyone here, you are my sisters. Your children are my children. I care. Be well. We will get through it.

[ReneeBC]

Worried mom,

You may have answered your own question.  :)  If your son is a "family guy", his attitude and demeanor may be his way of beginning the breaking away process, his own self preservation.   (They get snarky before leaving for college, too, but we all know this experience is so much different than sending the kids off to college!)   I would bet your son is closest to you as well, which would explain why he is particularly ugly to you.  It happened to me too.  My son was very loving and sweet the last two days before leaving, so I hope the same is true for you.

I would NOT reccommend you talk to the recruiter without your son's permission!  Like it or not, your son is a man now and this is his job.  This isn't a parent teacher conference...those days have passed.  If you have questions about the navy you are welcome to ask them here, check the RTC's website, or any of the navy websites.  You can vent here about your emotions and compare notes with other moms, but you have to let your son do the communicating with his "bosses."  I can see it adding to the problem with him rather than solving anything, and I know THAT isn't your goal.  LOL 

It is good for you to be informed about bootcamp and navy life, but let him tell you what he's learned while preparing himself for this new life.  He needs to do it in his own way.  You may be bringing up the subject when he is feeling anxious or he may already know the info, but you told him before he had a chance to tell you.  Just focus on spending time with him and making those family memories.  He will come around.  If he is a family-oriented kid, in the long run just have faith that he always will be. :))))

[Kelly]

Worried Mama - I can only second what everyone else has already posted.  My son is in his second year with the Navy.  I have not posted on here since he was going through PIR but your post really touched my heart.  My son is currently home on leave after his second deployment.  The last time he was home was October 2011.  My son displays the same behavior each time he's been home on leave that your son currently is.  I do think it's a type of defense mechanism for them but I would hazard to guess that it's not something they are consciously doing.  I think for those of us that work outside of the home that we tend to behave the same way come Sunday evening.  We begin to get anxious about the upcoming work week and mourn the weekend that is over.  As long as the behavior doesn't become disrespectful I would say the best thing is to just ignore it.  Believe me, I know that you want to cherish these last days with him but I think you'll just have to pick your moments.

 

I would certainly push the recruiter to find him a job that your son wants.  That is going to be so important going into the future of his Naval career.  Honestly, after he leaves for PIR any relationship with the recruiter will most likely diminish so push as hard as you can now to get what is best for your son before he leaves.  The recruiter works with so many kids - if someone doesn't speak up he can only assume your son is satisfied and ready to go.

 

Write to your son often while he is in BC.  Photo copy pictures of some of his favorite things (friends, pets, his car, etc.) so that he can have some familiar things around him plus it will give him an opportunity to share memories with his bunk mates.  I tried not to share my sad feelings with him in my letters but did let him know constantly that I missed his face and even though I wasn't physically there with him that I was going through this every step of the way with him too.  One thing I found interesting and unfortunately didn't discover until he was on his first deployment and I was going through a box he brought home was that he had kept a journal during his first couple weeks of boot camp.  He wrote about how excited he was about what they had learned that day and how he was tired but looking forward to tomorrow.  However....I can see now that the letters he wrote home to me skewed things a little - probably to play on my sympathies.  The males really have it tough in our world - they have emotions and feelings just like the girls but are forced to keep them hidden.

 

I don't think anyone but us Navy moms can truly understand the emotions you are going through.  I still cry from time to time but relish the adventures and experiences my son has gone through.  I can't express the world that is about to open up for you and the other moms here.  Patriotism will soar in your house, you'll pay more attention to news items concerning the military, you'll honk at cars when you see a military bumper sticker on them and your knowledge of the geography of our world will increase ten-fold - ha ha!

 

Hang in there - everything going on in your mind, your home and with your son is normal.