Need some advice :(

[Bgirl23]

My boyriend is in A school currently.  We have been fighting constantly, and honestly I have been trying my absolute hardest to not fight over anything and I haven't.  However, he constantly is bringing up the same arguments over and over again.  He has gotten a short temper and loses it on me right away.  For a while he told me that he was just overwhelmed and stressed out and he missed me and he was taking it out on me.  But then last night he called me and told me he needed to be honest with me.  He said he doesnt feel like we have a real relationship because all we do is talk on skype and text. He said that he doesnt like talking to me anymore and that I annoy him when I text him.  He said its not even when hes busy he just doesnt want to talk to me and actually dreads having to call me every night and continued to say that he would rather be doing other things.  He told me that he doesn't miss me anymore, and that he doesnt want to come home at Christmas to see me he would rather go somewhere with his Navy friends.  He said he doesnt want to associate with home anymore and I am at home.  Then he said that since we were only dating for 2 months before he left (even though weve known eachother for years) that he doesn't even remember what it is like to be with me.  He compared me to his friends relationships and that they have been together for years so theres no way ours can work.  HOWEVER...he continues to say that he isnt breaking up with me and that he loves me.  What should I do?  Do I just walk away at this point or do I fight for it?? I invested so much into this relationship and I went through so much with him to get to this point I just cant seem to walk away from him.  I love him more than anything and I dont even know if he truely means this.  It hurt so much and to be 15 hours away from him and I havent seen him in 5 months makes it even harder.  PLUS...Im suppose to be flying out to him in 3 weeks.  I asked if he still wanted me to go and he said yes because he wants to see if itll fix anything.  But he also said that he doesnt think itll work since Ill obviously have to leave and he thinks this will all start again.  Should I even bother going (its costing me about $700)?  I want to go to try to fix things but I dont want to go and be so happy to see him and that be the moment where he realizes he doesnt want to be with me.  How can I even convince him that it will work?  Or should I even try or is it hopeless at this point?  I'm just looking for some support or advice since it seems like no one at home understands the amount of work that goes into a relationship like this and how it isnt easy togive up.

[Veronica/NavyWife]

I am so sorry to hear that :( I honestly don't know what to say but to follow your heart. It's not fair for anyone in a relationship to be treated so rudely. The fact that you try to keep it as normal as possible and try to include him in your life even though he is far away says a lot about you. You know what I think you should do? I think you should try to put things in perspective and turn the tables on him. If it was you in the Navy and him back home, how would he feel if you told him these things? Would he do the same things you do for him for you?

[Bgirl23]

I tried putting it in perspective for him...but he has changed so much since he left he just doesnt even care.  I was having a hard time with the distance initially, and he was telling me why I shouldnt feel that way. Now that Ive accepted it and began to think positively, he turned around and cant take his own advice.  I think he just gave up...

[newnavywife2012 Ship 09 Div 283]

Ok, I am not really going to give advice on this because I believe it is YOUR decision...but I will tell you a short version of my story:

I too was once dating a sailor. The navy tore our relationship apart, but really it wasn't the navy's fault, we were very young...I think it just sped things up. He said very similar cruel and hurtful things to me. Eventually enough was enough. Spending time apart should make your love get stronger, not weaker. This I have learned. When hubby first mentioned the Navy I'm not going to lie I was scared due to my previous navy experience. But I know that we are an extremely secure couple and can handle this together. We have been dating about four years and married for almost two. We know what we want to accomplish together, and are working towards those goals. I miss him terribly, but I know that he would never say those hurtful things to me. That is where I draw the line. I don't expect you to do the same, but know that it isn't right for someone to make you feel that way. In my case I am a completely different person now than I was then. But, the past is past and we learn from our mistakes...Who would of thought I would end up with another sailor? Certainly not me! Anyhow please excuse my babbling that has been probably no help at all. If you need someone to talk to just let me know :)

[Bgirl23]

Thank you :) it does help to hear how other people have dealt with it.  He is 26 and I am 22...Im a grad student and he just joined in January.  We were extremely stable all through our relationship and through boot camp.  It just was when he got settled in in A school where everything changed...I just dont know how to handle it.  I dont want to give up but I cant stand feeling like this anymore.

[abuon18]

I understand how hard it is to let go when you still have feelings.... But honestly ask yourself why you want to be with someone who no longer wants to be with you? You deserve someone who wants to be with you, Navy or not. I survived A school with my husband, and know many other women who have, without being treated like that. If you do feel like the relationship is worth saving then go see him when you planned to. But honestly, once someone tells you they no longer want to be with you, why do you want to be with them?

[Bgirl23]

Thats very true.  Ive been telling myself that...I just am confused as to why he still says he loves me and doesnt want to break up but then he said all those things.  I dont know what to believe.

[Anti M]

Believe his actions, not his words.  He says he loves you, but he sure doesn't act like it.  

What I've experienced, and what may be going on here:  He doesn't want to be the bad guy, so instead of breaking up with you and hurting you, he's being an ass so you'll beak up with him.  That way you're the one to blame.  He probably doesn't even know that's what he's doing.  But if he's checked out emotionally and mentally now, you can't force him back into loving you.   The trip?  Oh, he'll have a very good time with you, and you may even think he's "back", but how long before he's not interested again?  How will you feel?  

I'd say it is a downward spiral, get off the merry-go-round before it throws you off.

[abuon18]

You need to just believe what he is saying. He could still love you but not want to be with you. It happens unfortunately when love just isn't enough. It seems like he is trying to keep you around so when he decides to stop being a jerk or when he needs someone to talk to you're there. Not saying A school was cake and me & my husband didn't fight but he never told me that talking to me was a chore, that I was keeping him from doing what he really wanted to be doing, etc. it's really not fair to you and honestly he is being a selfish jerk. Maybe he doesn't realize how much you sacrifice and how hard it is for you too or maybe he doesn't care but I'm going to be really blunt here.... 7 months is not that long and if he's changes that much in that short amount of time what is really left for you to fight for? He's not the man you were dating when he left for boot camp. If he treated you like this when he was home would you have dated him then?

[Bgirl23]

No i would not of dated him if he was like this at home.  Its just hard because I guess I still hope that hes gonna go back to how he was once he gets used to everything there... Weve only been together 7 months but Ive known him for about 4 years.  He was my best friend before we started dating.  But you are right.

[MegR]

That's a lot of money to spend to find out if someone still wants to be with you. If he can't handle being apart now then what will happen if he deploys? It sounds to me like you deserve better. That's just my two cents tho and only can decide what's best for you.

[Bgirl23]

I told him the same thing.  It seems to me like hes using me as a support system when it is convenient to him.  For boot camp and before he left he needed the support...same for when he started school.  But now he is settled in and he doesnt NEED me....sadly I know he would be nicer to me when he is deployed.  But I dont want to be a girlfriend for when its convenient for him.

[meagan5220]

I agree with what the other ladies are saying here. I really feel like he is wanting to go do his own thing for now but when he deploys he wants to have someone to write him emails everyday, send care packages, and someone to call when he is having a bad day. I would leave him. First of all, he is treating you poorly. Second, he is taking advantage of you and playing your emotions, and he knows it. You can find someone who will treat you amazing! I say IF you end up going up there you tell him he needs to chip in and pay for half of it at least. You seem to be doing all this work to keep this alive, if he cant put out a little effort then I say you for sure need to move on. But I wouldnt go out of my way for him. If he really wants to be with you then you need to tell him its his turn to step up and prove it or you are gone. Thats if you decide you would stay with him. If someone ever told me they didnt want to be with me I would make it extremely easy for them. In the end they will be the one on the short end of the stick.