Problems with me and my Sailor!

[NavyGF [SHIP 02/DIV 913]]

My Fiance says that he does not know if he wants to get married right now. But he still wants me to wear the ring. He is in A school right now. And things have been rocky for us as far as communication goes. IDK what to do! I know I want to support him in his job and whatever else he has to do for his job. Any advice or words of encourgement?

[Emily-aaronsgirl11]

In my personal opinion, A school is a rough time for most couples. I know it was one of the roughest patches I've ever had with my fiance. It's a time of serious adjustment and compromise. You really have to work on your communication skills. 

Hang in there, it may get better. :)

Meanwhile, I'd try to get him to talk about it more, personally. I would want to know what was going on. 

Hope everything works out for you!

[Tiffany51908]

You can look at it two ways- you can try to be understanding and give him space to adjust and figure things out on his own (which is probably what most people would recommend) Or you could be open and honest with him and tell him that waiting is not what you want. (this is what i would do simply because i am overly outspoken with my sailor) Now i will say that this can SERIOUSLY back fire. You don't want to push him away. You know your sailor, if you feel you can have an open and honest conversation without him getting offended or turned 'off" then by all means, have that conversation with him. Above all, try to figure out what is going on. Why does he want to wait? 

[meagan5220]

I think I am a mean wife... well thats what my husband tells me anyways. I don't put up with the "Im stressed" or "I'm busy" excuses. I really didnt deal with it when he was in A school. lol I guess seeing as how I was taking 18 hours and working two jobs I do not see that as valid. I was busier then he was most days. The big thing right now is no matter what stress they are dealing with in A school they have got to learn how to cope in a way that is healty for them and their relationships! Its not going to get any easier. I would ask him, why does he not feel he wants to get married? Does he feel that he cant financially take care of you yet (that was actually part of the reason my husband didnt want to get married quickly at first!), figure out why he isn't ready to get married!

 

My husband also went a few days without a lot of contact until I got into him about it. Tell him how much it means to you. Even if its just a call to say I love you or a text asking how your day is going! Guys don't realize how much that means to us. My husband thought he could only call when he had a few hours of break bc I would talk his ear off. When he realized he could call me on his 15 minute breaks and I wouldnt go on and on it got better. My husband called me every morning before he went to PT or class if he went to PT he called me when he got back to his room if he had time, on his lunch break, when he got done with school, before he went to bed. It wasnt always a huge conversation most of the times it was just to say hi how are you? I had to tell him that it didn't bug me if he just called to say that and had to get off also that I didn't care if he called me at 4 am (its like practice for when they call at 2 am when they are deployed and don't realize that its in the middle of the night where you are!)

 

The biggest thing is you got to find a way to communicate that works for both of you! I can't really tell you what that will be. But being honest and open with him is going to be the biggest issue! But like I said.. boys dont always think the same way we do. His reason might seem silly or funny to you but to him it might be legit and something that actually bothers him. Maybe he doesn't want to ask you to leave your friends or family. You just never know until you ask!

[Anti M]

I agree with Meagan, it doesn't get easier in the fleet, it can get much harder.    A school is stressful, but in a very structured way.  Their schedules are set, and they aren't making decisions or being called in off liberty.  So while the learning is tough, and their time is well filled, nothing super-critical is going on.  They know they're being prepared, and part of what they prepare for scares them to bits.  Honestly, and I know this from being a sailor, we get stupid and nervous and our vision of life gets too focused and narrow.  A side effect of A school.  

So you need to iron out the communications side of things, because that's what keep the relationship going when things get tough.  Your sailor may feel he is doing you a favor, he might feel it is unfair to "put your through" this life. As meagan says, find out his reasons, because then you can address them and decide together if your future is possible.  

[meagan5220]

Thanks Anti M. I get told a lot I am an insensitive wife lol. I know its a stressful time. But I am not one to accept or give excuses. Even right now when he is deployed I wont put up with him being rude or talking down to me. I see wives all the time get reamed because they don't sit back and let their sailor walk all over them because they are stressed.

[sailorwifenmom]

I think there's a difference between giving them a bit of leeway because they are stressed (just like they should give us when we're stressed) and letting them walk all over you.  I also think it's very important to establish healthy communication and respect, whether they are home, deployed, on unaccompanied orders, or whatever.

I would suggest you talk to him and ask him why, exactly, he feels this way.  It could be any number of things, some good, some not so good.  The thing is, while YES, he can decide that he doesn't want to marry you right now, he does NOT get to decide what you are going to do about it.  If, after talking to him about it, you are ok with still being in a committed relationship but with the wedding on the back burner, that is YOUR choice.  OR, if you decide that you want to end things, or that you want to say, ok, let's take a huge step back and we can still date, but we can both see other people, or we're just friends, or whatever, then that is also YOUR choice.

Deciding what direction a relationship is going to go in (or not go in) is not a unilateral choice.  You both get a say in it, and whether he's away at school or not, no matter how stressed he is or not, don't let him make all the choices.

Good luck!!