Sailor losing hope - help please

[kling]

I' m not sure if any of you have been there...but I'm at lost at what to do and you all have been such great help that I thought I'd ask for your opinions...

I've been with my sailor for about 7 months now - fresh, new relationship indeed, we are aware. We've been good friends for nearly 6 years, but didn't get together until about 2 months before he was to go to boot camp. The first two months were amazing, getting to transform our friendship into something more and we got through boot camp more in tune with each other than before with just our letters (we even wrote nearly the same letter to each other at the same time telling the other that we were 100% in and we weren't going to give up). After boot camp, he got transferred to Goose Creek to start A School for nukes. 

We went through another 2 months of just trying to figure things out in a long distance relationship, until last last weekend when he flew me out to see him for an entire weekend. We both were soooo happy to see each other again for the first time in 4 months (I didn't get to go to his PIR) and had an amazing time exploring Charleston and meeting his new friends. But when I came back home...things got weird.

He's beginning to lose faith in us...he said that he's not sure if it's even possible to make a 7 month old relationship last while he's focusing on becoming a full-fledged nuke ET because it eats up all of his time and attention. How do I show him that I'm there for him even if he can't fully be there for me right now? :/

[AshleySuperfly]

I kinda know how you feel.  I was in a very new relationship when my BF deployed back in March.  At first it was good and as of late, it's been harder and harder to talk to him.  The tolls of being deployed are getting to him and he's having a hard time balancing everything and unfortunately "us" gets pushed to the bottom of the barrel.  It's NOT easy, but you have to understand that THIS is stuff you have to contend with being with a military man.  It doesn't bother me now as badly as it did because I understand this now.  What YOU have to do is just to continue to be there for him.  If you can't talk to him, just send a sweet email saying you are thinking about him.  Send him care packages.  Little things like that mean more then you can even know to a guy who's living in one of the most abnormal situations of all time.  The more you let him know you care and are thinking of him, the more (hopefully) he realizes it's worth it and that he's found a good girl to hang on to.

I know that things were weird with my BF, and he got a care package from me and he messaged me at 2 in the morning about how happy he was to get that package.  Things went back to normal for a little bit there, until the deployment started getting to him again.  I send emails all the time and a second package is about to be sent off.  That's all you can do.

I hope this helps and don't lose hope yourself.  Good luck!

[Angie]

Not sure why people feel they need to convince someone about something. If someone needs to be convinced, than do they really want it?  Right now, he needs to focus on school and school alone...as if he fails out of school he will get what ever the Navy wants him to do job wise.  Being in the nuke program, isnt' like being in college where you can just chill out and do what you want.  That program is hard!

 

I recommend you back off him and let him make up his mind what he wants to do.  Maybe he just needs a break...they are away from everything at home for the first time, new people, new girls, maybe he doesn't want to be tied down right now to anyone, maybe he wants to just go date new people. 

[kling]

Maybe "convince" was the wrong word - he's having a hard time understanding why I'M sticking with him because he needs to have his head 95-100% in A School, and 5% to his girlfriend seems unfair. Maybe he does want to go date new people, but maybe he doesn't. He said he has no time to date new people, so I don't think that's the case. I guess I should have asked how I can show him how I don't think it's unfair...

[TropikalParadize]

"the nuke program, isn't like being in college where you can just chill out and do what you want."   WOW....what college did you go to?  I realize the nuke program is hard, but have you ever seen Pharmacology or Veterinary students....usually you don't because they are constantly studying!  Not to mention Masters or PhD programs...I do realize Freshmen do their fare share of goofing off, but a PhD student is working constantly, 24/7, no chilling out whatsoever! 

Sorry to go off topic....long distance relationships are always more challenging than being together, thats for sure.  And with so much going on its hard to focus on your relationship, also....but the thing is, with the navy, if its not one thing, its another.  After this schooling, there will be a new command, a new qualification, a new deployment, the list goes on...long and short, he will always be busy.  In my experience, distance either separates couples, or brings them much closer together....only you know your relationship, and every couple is different...maybe for now just let things be and feel it out for a while, see how it goes for the next couple months....and it sounds like he is still adjusting to the navy life as well, which I'm sure you are too...I would wait a bit and see how things play out....Good luck to you!!

[abuon18]

Nuke school is very rigorous (I'm sure you know this by now). It's definitely a learning and growing experience for both you and your Sailor. You can either grow together or grow apart. Unfortunately ending a relationship is a one person decision. Maybe he's realizing that he isn't ready to be in a relationship right now and if that's the case there is nothing you can do.

He hasn't broken up with you so he still cares and is probably just confused. You can't force him to stay with you and if you spend too much time talking about it and trying to convince him... That will stress him out and push him away. Like Ashley said the best thing to do is just be there for him. Send him short, sweet emails or texts, or care packages. Just little things to show you care and are in it for the good and the bad.

Ultimately he may decide that he needs to take the pressure of the "relationship" off and maintain the friendship until he's ready for the relationship part. Ultimately he realize he's just over stressed and freaking out right now, and he may just be worrying about what you want and expect from him and he can't give you. Sorry this is pretty scattered and probably not what you wanted to hear. All you should do right now is be there for him.

[Kyla-PIR Oct 5, Ship 11, DIV 320]

If you know the relationship is right keep going, no one else can really know but you. He's probably just worried that you're losing interest and trying to see where you stand, by validating your feelings you validate his. Let him know your okay with the waiting (as long as you really our) reassure him by letting him know you know it's only temporary and in the long run you'll both benefit and be more sable. It's hard now but in a couple years you'll both have a better future and you'll respect him for it. Make him feel like he's your reward for the waiting and you couldn't ask for more! He might be noticing his buddies relationships falling apart, you just gotta reassure him! 

[Anti M]

He's in a real pressure cooker of a program, not simply studying, but also all the usual military duties and PT and on and on. They are nukes even when they sleep!   There is a high degree of emotional and mental pressure which is hard to explain.  Let him know you'll stand by him even if he has no spare time for you, to wait until he has A school and Power School under his belt before making any long lasting and permanent decisions.  He can concentrate on school, and set any relationship decisions aside until he's done.  See if that is a plan he'll embrace.