The Emotional Spiral of Deployment (can be applied to boot camp, too!)

[sailorwifenmom]

One of the ladies asked if I could post more info on the emotional spiral of deployment that I had mentioned in a different discussion, so here it is, for anyone who might be interested.  It's important to know that while these things are very normal responses, it doesn't mean that we are all going to feel all of them, or feel them in the same way.  It's also possible to completely skip or fly through one stage or another, to go through more than one at a time or have them sort of overlap, or to occasionally have days where we seem to "regress" (like we could be in the middle of the recovery stage, but then have a bad day on our anniversary...)   In fact, it's not unusual for someone to go through one separation, then have a totally different reaction and feelings with another one. 

It's kind of like being pregnant - there are a lot of basic similarities, but each one is still going to be unique :-)   These are some of the more common responses and what you can expect.  ( I do apologize, when I posted about them the other night, I mis-numbered the the stages I mentioned.)   Also, keep in mind, that it's very normal for the Sailors to experience this to a certain extent, too! 

1) Anticipation of Loss.  This is when you know that it's coming up, and you start to worry about it a bit, you kind of want to pretend that it's not going to happen, you want to hoard all the time you can have with them.

2) Detachment and Withdrawal - their leaving is getting closer, you might start to fight or "pull away" from each other more, you might find changes in your eating and sleeping habits, you could feel angry, you might have problems with sex or intimacy with them.  It's also normal to have feelings of "just hurry up and go already".

3) Emotional Disorganization - you feel disorganized, lonely, overwhelmed, and maybe resentful because you're feeling this way.  You can also feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster, because - especially if stage 2 has been very strong, there's often a feeling of relief that they're finally gone and you can get on with "getting this over with" and having them home again.  This stage is usually your "cereal for dinner, all day in your bathrobe" stage.  One day in your bathrobe, feeling sorry for yourself is OK.  Several days of it is NOT a good idea.  Make yourself get out and do something and connect with people!  ****  It's important to note that it's VERY easy to get "stuck" in this phase.  For most people, this stage just lasts a few weeks, but if you find it's lasting longer than about a month - 6 weeks, then it's probably a good idea for you to talk to someone or get help!****

4) Recovery and Stabilization - this is where you sort of hit your groove, or your "cruising altitude" so to speak.  You have your routine down, you miss them, but you know you can do this and you're going to be ok!  You're empowered, life is pretty normal, and you're even having fun and doing things - and that's ok!  It doesn't mean that you don't love your Sailor, it's just that you know that life can't stop just because they aren't there physically with you ( if it did, that's not good for you, for them, or for your relationship!)  :-)  This is a good stage :-) 

5) Anticipation of Homecoming - You're excited that they're coming home (or that you're going to see them again), you're looking forward to it, but you might have some anxiety - Is he going to be changed?  Have I changed?  Is he still going to be attracted to me?  It's also important to keep your expectations realistic.  If they are coming home from a deployment, they're going to be tired.  If it's Liberty at a PIR, there's only so much time, and odds are, other people there that want to spend time with your Sailor, too.  These reunions are VERY rarely like what they show in the movies or on tv.  BUT THAT'S OK - because while they aren't a fantasy reunion, they're BETTER, because they're with the person you love and it's real :-)

6) Renegotiation of the Marriage Contract -  This can also be considered renegotiation of the family contract if you have kids, or the relationship contract if you're not married.  Basically, we ALL go through this stage.  You ARE going to have changed, and so will your Sailor - even if it's just in a small way.  Nothing in life stays stagnant or exactly the same, even without the Navy, deployments, boot camp, etc.  This is where you readjust to being together again - you're used to being "in control" and having to give some of that back up to him, he's used to not being in "family mode", he's been in "Sailor mode" and has to adjust to switching back and forth... (or how you're going to handle being in a long distance relationship).  Just remember, change happens to ALL of us in life, and it it does NOT have to be a bad thing!  This really can make you stronger as a person, and as a couple!!! 

The key to all of these stages though is to be aware of them, to know that you are NOT alone as you go through this, and that these feelings are normal, and to communicate!  With each other, and with other people going through the same thing.  It can and will help make it easier! 

Anyway, these are the emotional stages of the spiral of deployment, I hope that it helps, knowing what to expect. 

[ms.bre_5]

That was my fear that we werent going to talk as much and some how grow apart I dont I have a lot of crazy thoughts going through my head and I just need to believe in us. But now that i know that is great he has an IPAD so that will help through skype and stuff :) I even have the time on my phone of Guam so I can know when not to expect a phone call lol My friends say that I sound like Navy wife already ha

[sailorwifenmom]

Just remember, you really can't predict communications - sometimes email and stuff will be down. It will be more communication than boot camp, but nobody will be able to say, well, expect a call on this day or an email within that time frame.... But he won't be cut off "boot camp style" from communicating with you the whole deployment.

[sailorwifenmom]

Oh - I can't believe I typed all that and forgot - this is one of the MANY topics they teach at COMPASS. It's a free class (with free lunch and free child care) for Navy spouses. They have a lot of great info and tips, I would encourage anyone to look into it :-)

[ms.bre_5]

I feel the same way, its hard to find someone or know someone that can relate with these kind of experiences. I had a break down moment yesterday because it does sort of feel like a death and its an horrible feeling to experience, but after getting information and talking to my best friend who has a husband overseas it was such a relief! Today is a brand new day and I feel 100 times better. I love hearing other couples experience and how they made through it gives me hope and helps me carry on my day.

[sailorwifenmom]

I'm glad it helped! I was a Sailor when I met my husband and we've been married as a Navy family for 20 yrs (and now our son is also in the Navy, so we're back to 2 Sailors in the family lol!) There are times it's going to be HARD and it's going to suck, but overall, it's going to be what you make of it, and it can be GREAT :-)

[ms.bre_5]

So I finally recieved an email from my sailor and I was soo excited to email him back until it kept telling that i wasnt able to send a message back! ughh I am so annoyed  :/ is there any reason why there would be a problem? Oh and its not his orginally email he got a new email through the navy...

[Anti M]

Sometimes the ship restricts communications, sometimes the incoming traffic piles up... someone has to read every incoming and outgoing email for security purposes.  And sometimes they just aren't in an area where the satellite signals are optimal .... and many more reasons.  Get used to emails being on and off without an explanation.

Also, some ships limit the size of the emails, and some can't handle attachments like pictures.  Some can.  Your ombudsman can tell you what is and is not allowed for your specific ship.

[sailorwifenmom]

Bump for Z ship 02 Div 910

[JL (Ship 12 DIV 85)]

My boyfriend left weeks ago for bootcamp and I have no idea how he's doing! It's driving me crazy. But, his friend told me that he included a message for me in his letter. (He doesn't have my new address... just left my old house last week.) I miss him like crazy... 

[sailorwifenmom]

Thank you so much! I'm glad knowing about the spiral that happens with deployments has helped you. It doesn't stop it from happening, but we are all in the same boat!