How to deal with my mother in law?

[Jodie]

So my husband is in bootcamp, his PIR date is 03/27/2015.

 

Now he has had the opportunity to make one phone call, and he decided to call me and our kids. We were able to talk for about 30 minutes. That was last sunday. He was also able to mail out his first batch of letters, which luckily he sent me a total of nine letters (16 pages long). His mom had known that he called me because her and I discussed how he was doing. Well then she found out about the extensive writing he did for me, and she is complaining to other family members how I got a phone call and letters and she hasn't gotten anything.

I understand that it is her son....but I am his wife, who is pregnant and we have two children together already. How do I make her understand that she isn't neccesarially his first priority anymore? I know that sounds harsh...but it hurts my feelings that she wants to talk behind my back, like I don't deserve his attention. He loves his mom, but they haven't always had the best relationship, so I don't know if she is expecting it to change just because he left. I try to talk to her about writing him, and she just responds with "I know what I am doing, I have been through this before" when in all reality yes she has two marine sons, but the marines are different, and those two sons didnt have a wife and kids. It's a completely different situation.

 

Help please, any advised would be nice.

[Eva]

I just saw this post come up in my email and literally dropped everything to respond! I FEEL YOUR PAIN! My husband and I are recently married and we don't have any children. But bootcamp was when his mother started to show her true colors! We had planned on getting married as soon as he got out of basic. And when this woman found out pulled a 180! She went from being fun, inviting me out to dinner with his family, texting me, to ignoring me, telling family members that I'm forcing him to leave her out and forcing him to marry me.  Which obviously wasn't the case. She was livid that he didn't ask HER if he could get married! whhhhat? yes. She expected him to talk to her about it before hand. She went as far as to tell him not to marry me. She had OTHER people send him emails, not to marry me. We obviously did anyway. She didn't even acknowledge our marriage for at least 6 months after that while not speaking to him for a good 3 of them! Prior to us getting married he was still on his families auto insurance and cellphone plan just because it was cheaper, he paid them his part of the bill every month. She went as far as to cancel him off of everything without notifying us (even if it broke contracts) and sending us the bill and "oh btw you don't have car insurance any more". Which we're glad none of his bills are associated with them any more but a heads up would have been nice!

But anyways! Back to boot camp. She tried to compete with me in the amount of letters I would send my husband and did indeed get mad that he wrote me more than her. She also said she knew more than me about everything that was going on because her husband was in the air force. She also was irritated that he invited me to his PIR! They would sit in the lobby and wait for us to come out of our hotel room when we would go relax during the day. And have the nerve to comment saying "ready to spend time with your family?!"  So I KNOW how ridiculous jealous mother in laws can be! And frankly its ridiculous. 

This was over a year ago and she still tries to go behind my back sometimes. When he was still in A-school she would want to drive up and see him and so mad that she wouldn't speak to him if he told her he just wanted it to be us two that weekend. Some people have a hard time letting go, whether its letting go of their "little boy" or letting go of the feeling that she wants but isn't getting any more. 

My best advice is to take up meditation! Theres nothing you can do to make her be "less crazy" you can try to have your husband talk to her about her behavior but thats kind of difficult when he's in basic. She is acting this way because she wants attention and she wants to be the one he "needs". Which obviously isn't the case, her son is a man with his own family. I feel like its a control thing, honestly. 

Also I've started just appeasing here because its easier. It kills my pride but sometimes I just can't deal with the drama. I have more important things to worry about. And some people never change. No matter how they "act" GOOD LUCK!

[Jodie]

Oh wow. I'm sorry you're going through that!

It's just they've never had a good relationship anyways. So I don't know if she thought boot camp would change that. Or he would just want his mommy....but that isn't the case. It's just sad..

[Eva]

Yeah...I've learned to accept it. I so badly want a mother in law that was awesome! But hey, when life gives you lemons! At a certain point it just becomes funny. haha But it seems like your mother in law expects/wants him to want her. Its strange that she's deciding to choose now of all times to want him to "need" her. Maybe she needs him? It is sad. Is she one of those moms that is all "gung ho" about her military children? (not that there is anything wrong with that if any of you are reading this!) But that may explain her feeling the need for the attention from him, even if they don't have a good relationship. She may feel entitled, since she's been through this before...but not really at all because everything's different. But in her eyes, if she does all the "right things" so she thinks, that he should show her the respect that she thinks deserves.

However, the way I see it, she's really just disrespecting you. And by disrespecting you she's disrespecting him.

[Jodie]

I think she is just used to having her sons to herself....and can't handle that she is no longer the number one woman in their lives. She had to adjust during holidays, and now she has to adjust with this. I wish she would just understand that he isn't a little boy anymore and I am his wife. Accept that things are different.

She isn't a bad person, she just feels entitled.

[J's Wife]

I usually just kept to myself about how many letters I got. I felt like it was none of her business and that telling her was rubbing it in. Same with my sister-in-law. They know deep down that I'm number one, but they don't need to hear how many more letters I got. That will only lead your mother-in-law to complain to him which will stress him out. I ended up getting closer to my mother-in-law during boot camp because she somewhat used me for info. I say play it smart, and keep your mouth shut. Then she'll realize if she wants info she has to ask you for it and you only have to disclose what you feel like. Instead of her complaining about how much you know, she'll be thankful for the info you gave her. Good luck!

[Jodie]

I honestly wouldn't have told her, but the day before she asked if I had received anything. I promises her I would let her know. And so I did. I didn't tell her the extent until after she threw her fit. Then I was just being a bitch. But before hand I was just doing what she asked.

Ugh. Oh well. I hope he calls today. Everyone else is getting calls it seems.