Comment

Comment by NevadaSierra on September 25, 2009 at 10:37am

For those of you who want to keep Meg's article - I would recommend doing what Wendy did and copy it into your documents. That is how I was able to post it. I'm very glad that I was able to share it. Relationships are tough especially when you have a 'silent type' of sailor and an equally 'silent' dil. Hange in there we all have different opportunities and we are able to support eachother. Blessings and success to each of you in all your relationships~Susan

Comment by Vickie - Rooney's mom on September 24, 2009 at 10:32pm

Great advice, I hope I remember it if I'm ever lucky enough to be a mother-in-law!

Comment by paddysmima on September 24, 2009 at 9:33pm

It is excellent advice. I am new to the Navy. So I am not certain how things work. When you all say deployment, is that just thier time on ship? Or is it over to the the Indian ocean Afganastan area? I was married to an Army soldier during Desert Storm.(still married to the guy but he only soldiers with a lawn mower now) Deployment then meant any time they left base as a unit, either training or possible conflicts. I do know this: it sucked. Wifes only know what husbands tell them. I know the only information my in-laws ever recieved was from me. I pray that the Navy is a bit more considerate, I won't be holding my breath. The saying was "If the Army wanted it's men to have wifes, they would have been issued."

Comment by NevadaSierra on September 23, 2009 at 10:43am

Hi Everyone: The following is an article witten by Meg - and it is GREAT. Wendy found it and I think it is very a valuable read:
When your sailor returns from a deployment

My Name is Meg and I'm an old Navy spouse and military brat. During my time as a spouse, I've been an Ombudsman among many other rolls. My sailor and I have completed seven crusies together. Recently I was asked to address the issue of the emotional cycle of a Deployment for a Navy family and the best advice I could offer for those Navy Moms who might be struggling with new Daughter-in-laws or son-in-laws. To be fair I will invite my own mother-in-law to weigh in on this information. ( Yep, she's at Navy for Moms too!) I am sure she will have her own opinions about this issue. I want to be fair as possible. I'd also like to note that I am the Mom of three. So I understand the mom side as well.
Read the info below with an open mind and decide what is best for you and your family but please take to heart the advice I am offering is born out of years of experience. This information is offered with the best of thoughts for both Navy Mom and Navy spouse.

Just like in life, Change is constant in the Navy. Deployment is filled with Change.
Whether you are the Navy mom or the Navy spouse, If your sailor is on cruise right now you have been going through a real challenge. It is important to remember we all go through these challenges when our sailor is deployed.

1. Anticipation of the deployment: At first when we hear about the upcoming deployment we get nervous, scared, angry, and sad. At some point it starts to feel like an old band-aid that you need to pull off. You want to rip it off and get it over with. In reality you want the deployment to start so you can start counting the days down until your sailor comes home. This feelling causes confusion, you might feel guilty for wanting the deployment to just start. The truth of the matter is, we dont' like when our sailors are gone. This step includes both moms and spouses.

2. Separation: You might find yourself emotionally pulling away from your sailor. This is a surprise. During this portion of the deployment... specifically for the spouse, you might find yourself separating your lives. You realize you face taking care of both your lives without the most important person in your life with you. You want to kick the next person who says, " Well, you knew what he or she did when you got married." You might find this is when you sit down and have the great CRY. You might lose a bit of yourself when your sailor first leaves.
Personally, at the beginning of one of our deployments I flooded the second floor of our house the first night he was gone. I got to cry some more. I was definitely out of it.

3. Catching your second wind: You need to survive. You start trying to make a daily schedule for yourself. You find yourself looking for things in your life to help the time go by. Then you find things to do in life that you really enjoy. You might feel guilty thinking you don't really love your sailor. Don't worry you are still in love, right now you are taking care of the immediate needs and it's ok to put your needs on the list. Actually, this is one of the healthiest steps you can take during a cruise. It means you are still you and not just a spouse. You have your own life and every Navy spouse should have their OWN lives. It is important to include your in-laws in what you know. Provide your in-laws the Ombudsman contact and enroll their email in the command newsletter. You will be surprised how much your mother-in-law appreciates being included in news about her child/sailor.

For moms you may be a great source of help for your new inlaws. You have already gone through these steps when your son or daughter joined the Navy. You already started doing things for yourself when your kids moved out. You can help your inlaws and encourage them to take care of themselves. So call them once in awhile and just ask about them. This will also help to bring you two closer to one another as friends.

4. Reality hits again: Just as you find your stride in your daily life with the kids or your job or a new hobbie you took up while your sailor was gone, you realize you have past the mid point of the deployment and now you have to start thinking about your life changing again because your sailor is going to come home. This is a time you were certain you would never get too in the beginning and you would NEVER have believed how this might make you feel. You're excited about the homecoming but you're also nervous. You have been in charge and you feel pretty good about how you have managed to pick yourself up.

Well, things are going to be different when your sailor comes home. You certainly will explain life to him or her. Your Sailor may be the love of your life but the love of your life left you... it doesn't matter that your sailor had orders. Somewhere in the back of your mind you are still a bit ticked about that.
For you moms, you know the plan was always to raise productive citizens but you might recognize the feeling your in-laws are having. Think about the time when you realized your baby was a grown-up and perhaps she or he didn't need you at every waking moment. You might have been a bit ticked off too. I mean How dare that kid not need you? Does your sailor realize how long you were in labor with him or her?
All kidding aside, these mixed signals about homecoming are very normal

Now add that your sailor has a new spouse. Well, there are tons of books written about this subject but lets just say this is a HUGE change that both Navy Spouses and Navy Moms are dealing with everyday!

HOMECOMING
Spouses
So you get the information about the homecoming date and the first thing spouses start thinking about is making up for lost time. (sorry Moms but that is what we think about)
Spouses you start planning the perfect homecoming. You get the outfit ... you plan the meal... you get a hotel. In your perfect homecoming Dream... your mother-in-law is no wear in sight because and there is no nice way to say this but it would kill the moment. You are planning on private time. Woohoo! You are planning on all the special time you have missed. You need to know that you are still the most important person in your sailor's life and as the Lord as your witness... he or she is going to spend time with JUST you first. If you are newly married... this is all you can think about. You get yourself all set.

Mom
Moms have been waiting for much longer than the deployment. You had to say goodbye when your sailor left the house. You brought this kid into the world and you can't help it. You can't wait to see him or her. You have worried, your child may have been in harms way. You just want to touch them and see they are ok. You spent a huge portion of your life trying to get this kid to become an adult. He or she means everything to you. You won't stay long but you just really want to be there for this important day. After all you have never missed any of the special days in this kid's life. You are so proud! You have told all your friends and you got a great rate on airline tickets the moment you found out about the homecoming date. You'll call your new inlaw in a few days and TELL him or her you ARE going to be on the dock the day the ship pulls in. They haven't been married long... they can wait one more day. After all you might not be quite interested in being a grandparent just yet.

The Sailor's side
Tough as it is... these aren't the only two sides to this story. You see, you both forgot your sailor. Your sailor has been deployed where everyday the living quarters have been a challenge. They have been told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and judged if they have not done it correctly. They have been responsible for lives and they have been under stresses we have not considered. On board ship, they have had very little privacy. They have not been able to get away from work. They have been lonely. Being the emotional basketcase is not the way to get ahead in the military so they have compartmentalized their emotions. They need to destress too. They may actually have a plan of their own! This thought seems to be a shocker for both Moms and Spouses. After all you both know exactly what he or she likes. If they have been on board the boat, they have not been driving. (This is just a side note and not from personal experience, but slowly give back the car keys.)

They may surprise you both, they may let you both down. They may want to do what they want to do. The last thing they need or want to do is to have you two at each other's throats. They don't want to come home to the two of you competing for his or her time. No matter what you THINK they might want this next bit of advice is so important.....


ASK first... both of you. Before your sailor comes home, ASK your sailor what he or she would like to do when they first get home. This also gives you all a chance to express your desires. Your sailor is going to need to remember your needs matter too and that goes for EVERYONE.

You will ALL be so much happier if you talk about what is expected and wanted.

New spouses, remember to include your inlaws.
Moms remember what it is to be a new spouse.

Both of you remember your sailor is a person too. They will be thrilled that someone asked them what they wanted rather than Ordering them to do something else. They have been doing that for the entire deployment.
IMPORTANT
When these situations are not handled right... feelings get hurt, young marriages struggle and no one is happy. The worst thing that can happen is that you can ruin Homecoming. You will all be left with bad memories and hurt feelings. You are Navy Moms and Navy Spouses. You support your Sailor and the last thing you want is to ruin what should be a happy time for all. So TALK to each other already and each of you make compromises. You will all be happier you did.

5. Reorganization of a marriage: Spouses This one is always a shocker... no matter how many cruises or deployments you might have done. After the homecoming, a week or two into the transition, something starts to seem different. That person you could NOT wait to see, starts to get alittle frustrating. If you waited on them hand and foot you may be wondering when you are going to get back to that life you created while he or she was gone. Things have changed and maybe your sailor has not noticed. How dare he or she not notice all you have accomplished? This is the moment when you need to sit down and have a talk. Talk to your sailor about the things you have changed. This will surprise you too but your sailor may be feeling the same way.

Your marriage has changed. You are now a veteran of a Navy Deployment and you have both changed. Renegotiate things in your life together. Talk about the differences and don't be afraid to address the changes. Talking about these changes helps to re-establish trush and everyday schedules. This is the easiest way to transition back into everyday life. Don't be shocked if you two end up in an arguement or two. It's normal, call your other Navy Spouse friends and ask them about this.

If you find you are both having huge issues go to Fleet and Family Support Center. They have counselors there who can provide free marriage counseling and they specialize in issues like this.

Moms: The only change you might need to acknowledge is that your child will always be your child but the rest of the world sees him or her as an adult and a Sailor in the United States Navy. Let them be the adult you raised them to be. You did a great job! Avoid trying to get in involved to fix things for them. They are grown ups and their job requires they act like adults. Rest assured, you did a good Job.

This last step of reorganizing a marriage takes the Navy family back to normal everyday life...whatever that is.


I hope this helps and sparks a healthy discussion between both spouses and Moms about what will be the best situation for their Navy family.

Earilier I mentioned my mother-in-law, I have to give her credit. She has never met my husband at the Dock or at the flightline during our marriage. She has respected the time we have needed to re-establish our marriage and then we head to her house. I have always appreciated her for this because homecomings are as challenging as the beginning of deployments. So thanks Pat for helping this Navy family work to the best of our ability.

Comment by Cindy on September 23, 2009 at 1:39am

I'm hoping to clarify the discussion I started (PIR Tips and Advice) to see if those of you who have been through PIR would share your experiences. If you have any recommendations, tips, or advice for PIR, please add them to the discussion. Or...maybe some entertaining stories??? Thanks!
Cindy

Comment by BunkerQB on September 22, 2009 at 7:45pm

Ginger, wonderful photos. Is the dog available for hire? Our beloved German Shepard died 22 years ago. We just can't seem to get the enthusiasm for getting another dog.

Comment by paddysmima on September 22, 2009 at 7:22pm

Aww Doggie looks soo lonely! Maggie, our shepard, mopped around for days after Mike left. Thanks for posting them. Very sweet photos.

Comment by Vickie - Rooney's mom on September 22, 2009 at 7:05pm

That's so cute, I sent our sailor pictures of our dog wearing reindeer antlers and bunny ears. So glad I did because he died of old age in April.

Comment by paddysmima on September 22, 2009 at 1:35am

I know that empty feeling pretty well. After awhile it will ease up. If it matters at all, Mike left Santa Rosa on 8 -11, to arrive in Great Lakes on the 12. He wrote that the first week was hectic. They arrived and had to walk in line. Processing only took them 3 days. He wrote that at first everyone wore all blue with white. He compared himself to a Smurf. He also wrote that the first week went very quickly. Minutes lasted hours but the days flew by. He has said since then that he has lost track of time. Everything is 1/4 or 4/5. If you do not know..the first number is the week of training they are in the second is the day.
My son says the hardest part is the standing at attention.

Comment by BunkerQB on September 21, 2009 at 9:37pm

Marynka. What race is this? Where? Hope you can make the next one too.
Vernita, hope you are feeling better - we were not up-to-par the week before.
Cindy, good idea to have PIR Tips and Hints. Naomi had a wonderful bounded book from her son's PIR. Nothing like that for OCS. I don't even have an official photo. :(
Well, I have a month to get the house in order and the silver polished - but not tonight - I have running since 6 AM - may go to bed early tonight.
Bea

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 373
• 374
• 375
• 376
• 377
• …
• 397
• Next ›
• Page