How can I help him?

[Cody'smom]

When I think of what he has accomplished in his short 22 years. Graduated in the top 1% of his A school; MM2 on the first Virginia class fast attack sub in the Pacific and youngest shift supervisor.  Did I tell you he was a Nuke.  Just a little proud, maybe.  The issue is that when I talk to him, he sounds so sad.  You would think that being stationed in Hawaii (his choice) would be a dream for a single young man.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  Is it the sub life?  He tells me no, he perfers the cleanliness of his engine room.  He likes the teamwork of the sub.  He just sounds so tired.  He askes me questions like "Am I missing out on life?"  I try so hard to tell him that he is securing his future but I don't know if I'm getting through.  I think it's the isolation of the sub.  He is getting close to finishing his sea duty and getting ready for shore duty.  I just need to help him through this last hitch.

How do you extend the frays of a tattered rope and tell them to hold on?

[susank]

All I can say Cody's mom is that I hear you and sometimes I feel the exact same way. It is just a hard life. I posted that one time and it seemed like nobody else felt that way. I think my son takes it so seriously and I am not saying that others don't but he gets caught up in that (all the responsibility). I don't hear about fun or social stuff and that makes me sad. I read a post today that they are criticized often and they don't hear much positive. I think that beats them down. I try to be his biggest cheerleader but I still worry. I don't know if that helps, but you and your sailor are not alone! Prayers for you!

[candyr]

I just recently went through this with my son. The last time I spoke to him he sounded so disappointed and sad.  He told me he was disappointed that his sub will be in dry dock until next year so he is thinking he won't qualify for his dolphins until then.  Like Susank stated, when ever we talk I always remind him I'm his biggest cheerleader.  I listen to what he is saying but I try my hardest to move the conversation towards the positive. Its hard to hear the fustration in his voice and not being there to asure him that it will get better.  I am so sure there are tons of parents out there that are going through or have experienced how we feel at this time.  With time, I know they will get through this.

[Cody'smom]

Sub Mom,

Thank you so much for your replies.  It means so much to know that I'm not alone and neither is my son.  All of your advice, wisdom and encouragement is appreciated more than you will ever know.  I will continue to be the cheerleader he needs me to be when he needs it, the gentle voice when needed or a swift kick if needed as well and as always mom :)

Now head up!

Thanks again.

[Popeye's Mom Alum DIV 031 1-6-12]

Hello all. Wish I would have seen this sooner but it still helps. My sailor is 19, based in Groton & very lonely. He's done 1 underway for a month this summer & they're due to go out again in the fall. He had some buddies thru school but then they all got sent to different bases. He calls us for an hour to an hour and a half sometimes & is sad & depressed. He went thru a horrible bout of homesickness when he first got to Groton & he talked to a chaplain & I think that helped but now he says with his work schedule it's hard to find the time. He says many of the guys on his boat are married & the others go out to the bars & he said he's not interested plus he's underage. I'm sure there are other guys who need friends but he hasn't found them yet. I too tell him constantly how proud we are, how much we love him, & to lighten up on himself. He seems to get overwhelmed with the quals but no higher ups have said he's having a problem so I think his worry & stress is kinda self-imposed. And of course as a Mom I want to fix it (from Ohio no less) & I can't. Thanks for sharing your stories & if you have any ideas or suggestions, I am open to hear them. God bless you all & your sailors!

[Annette]

Hi  Popeye's Mom. I just wanted to touch bases with you. Our son is not on subs yet, he leaves for RTC on June 5, but will be on subs. My hubby was on subs, we met in Groton where I grew up. As an alternative to the bar scene, and a great place to meet others his age, a roller skating rink not far down the road from the base. I believe it is called Galaxy now, when hubby and I met there in 1981, it was called Roll On America (and was owned by a Navy guy). It is a lot of fun, good exercise, etc. And you don't have to be 21 to have a good time. He may want to look into it. There is also a bowlng alley not far away. I imagine it is rough when they are away from home for the first time, in either college or military. I met a lot of nice boys there in sub school, etc. And of course, my hubby! I wish him well, tell him to hang in there. And if he wants some ideas of fun things to do and places to go, let me know what he likes and I can make some suggestions!

 

Peace,

Annette

[Cody'smom]

Popeye's Mom,
You mentioned that your son is going through quals. That is one of the hardest and most stressful part of sub life he will face. When my son was doing his, i recieved so many calls home. I Googled about it so i could talk more and understand what he was saying. That seemed to help. Search "Silent Service". Once he gets those dolphines he will be able to breathe. He just doesnt know it yet. He will also be more accepted by others. I hope this helps.

[Linda K. - Steve's mom]

I've got to chuckle thinking about the treadmill on my son's sub.  We were out to visit him in Groton last weekend and he took us on a tour of his boat.  There, tucked way in the "back" of a very crowded room with just a little pathway leading to it was a random treadmill among what looked like storage and machines.  He's made use of it training for a half marathon he's running in October - usually with someone else waiting for his turn, so he can't run for long.

Oh - and the food that's supposed to be so good on the subs?  It all depends on the cook i guess, and my son says their cooks are far from the best.

[navymom90]

I am not sure how i never found you ladies but i am glad i finally did. My son has been on the USS Hawaii for 2 1/2 years and it would be nice to have someone to talk to that understands the pride and the frustration of it all. If anyones out there i would love to visit

[Cody'smom]

Hi Navymom90

Maybe there is something about the Hawaii or just the fact that our sons are on the same boat but I hear so much in you two short sentences.  I'm sure our son's know each other and are experiencing the same situations.  I know they work a tremendous amount of hours and go from high stress to extreme boredom.  I have two brothers that have retired from the Navy and both have told me that sub duty takes a special breed and neither one was willing to serve time on a sub.  I'm finding that the longer my son is there the more he relies on his shipmates and less on his family.  Have you noticed that they speak their own language?  I guess that is how it should be.  There are times when "my son" shows up on the phone and I smile and say, "Hey, I know you."  Other times I have no clue who I'm talking to.  I do know this, he can take care of himself now.  I feel so much better since I have been reading all of the posts from mom's on this site and realized that I am not alone.  I am willing to listen as long as you need.

[missin'mybrowneyedboy]

Hi navymom90, Popeye's Mom, Seahorse, Cody'smom. tylermom, candyr, and susank! I so know we are not alone in being concerned for our guys. Even some of the officers mom's have expressed the stress their son's are feeling. My son is out as a rider as a NUB on his first underway and I think some of his emails back have been rather cryptic but I'm trying not to read too much into them. I got my first email from him not too long after they had gone out and he was even allowed to call home one time and talked to everyone including his dad, sister, aunt and grandpa and they all had a different impression as to how he was feeling so I guess he's pretty good at camouflaging his "truth". (Also, his emails to his aunt(my sister) and his sister are much more optimistic sounding than the ones I receive.) He hasn't sent an email since close to the end of August, warned us that would be happening, so I really don't have a recent read on how he's doing. I'm just praying all his hard work and determination is keeping him focused(as well as the Focus Factor he took: ), is passing quals as he needs too and he is also having a little bit of breathing room: ) Am I asking too much? Ha!

[Sunshine]

Just reading your name, missin'mybrowneyed boy has caused the tears to flow.  After reading all the posts, I realize that my son and I have been hiding the truth from each other.  I know that he is experiencing the extreme stress, the isolation, and probably an inner insecurity and questioning his choice.  I know that he doesn't want me to worry...he only tells me so much.  I know that being so far from those who really care about him is a struggle.   My hope is that he would get connected with a church but when they are qualifying...barely enough time for sleep.  I look at this as a my greatest opportunity to grow my faith in God, lifting my son in prayer and trusting Him to care for my son through all that he is facing.  Always praying that through this my son will also grow stronger in his faith and not turn away.  Thank you for sharing your hearts :)

[Pat]

We are their sounding boards, we are their dump station, we are the strong shoulders and the backbone of their support system, especially for the single guys and sometimes for the married ones or their wives. Pray, remain positive and upbeat with your responses. You may not be able to get to the real issue causing the negative or sad or tired complaint (for lack of a better word), but in really listening carefully you may be able to respond in just the right way to get them over the hump. With my single sailor many times it was just about allowing him to unload whatever the burden was which allowed him enough relief to get over the speed bump that he had run up against and move on with a more positive outlook, until the next speed bump.
Dolphins can be earned in a shipyard...my son went directly from Prototype to two yrs in drydock for a major overhaul and had the dolphins without going to sea. Takes longer, need to work harder for the signatures, because they aren't all in the shipyard at the same time, but it can be done.