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Comment by ELO.Navy.Mom on October 28, 2015 at 3:50pm

My understanding of the calendar squares is that they are things that some group (don't know who??) collects to put on a calendar in the mess for each day of the trip...and people pay to get them so that they can decorate them with pictures, sayings, etc...the holidays cost more and people vie for them. I don't know when they start it - before they leave or after they are gone. Anybody with more (or better)

info?

Comment by SlezaksMom on October 28, 2015 at 2:27pm

J's mom and others give sound advice. But I know that you have already sent the commander an email, right, angier?

My son joined the Navy after losing a full-ride scholarship because he did EVERYTHING wrong on his own as a freshman in college. By the start of his sophomore year, I'd downsized to a one bedroom apartment and he was sleeping on my sofa. I told him he would need to contribute to the household expenses at a rate of $150/month. It wasn't the money, but the contribution and commitment that he needed. At this point, he was able to go to school still and had a plan to "live" on student loans. Not the way I'd have chosen for him, but a 20 telling you he's a grown man... You get the idea.

He stopped going to classes, didn't have a job and wasn't paying anything. Labor Day weekend, I sat him down and told him he'd have to pay some how, some way starting Nov. 1 or he wasn't going to be able to live with me anymore. Yep. 2 months to figure it out.

The week before his deadline, he started asking for extensions. I told him that only if he had an in-writing start date for a job, was I willing to give him an extension.

He moved out in a storm of yelling, tears and hard feelings Halloween night. I was devastated, but a friend reminded me that baby birds get pushed out of the nest so that they can learn to fly. I could only picture MY baby bird as a splat on the pavement, you know?

By the end of the following week, he'd taken the ASVAB, was DEP for nukes and handling himself. I remember thinking, "This is a guy who regularly "forgets" to put his glass in the dishwasher, yet they want to hand him a pistol and put him in charge of a nuclear reaction?! WTH is this country coming to?!"

We had hard words at Thanksgivibg that year. He wanted a show down about being grown and I wanted my baby back. He'd moved in with my parents, my sisters and brothers in law were visiting, so I ended up heading home. I ate popcorn for Thanksgivibg dinner that year.

I can't tell you the "how" we got through it, but I know that I had to stop treating him like he needed my protection/help/advice proactively and wait for him to come to his own decision about whether he wanted to hear what I had to say. Nope, it wasn't even close to a smooth transition. Not easy either. But he knew I loved him and wanted the best for him and he was patient enough with me to keep giving me chances at figuring out how to see and respect him as an adult while he went about the business of becoming one.

Nike school is long and arduous. It was tough on him. All I could do was cheerleader from the sidelines, remind him about some of the things he knows he's good at and listen during those rare times he got to call.

I came here, angier. The Nuke Moms page saved my sanity and allowed me to give my son the room to choose his own path. He was top of his class and still doesn't feel good enough on his boat. I'm so grateful we had the 2 years in the nuke pipeline to work out our stuff before he deployed for the first time!! (And I was still checking with other moms with, "is it normal for him to sound so down?!" And getting the "absolutely!! He's telling you all that stuff about not liking anyone and nobody liking him because you're safe!" So I just kept the cheerleader routine up and he's said it helps.

All of this is to say: I did NOT have a perfect relationship with the sailor who entered the Mavy. He probably would not have listed me on a contact list (I didn't get a single invitation to any graduation -- Navy for Moms let me know when they were happening and I made every single one!), but learning how to parent an adult was not an easy thing for me.

I hope this helps any who ar struggling and is not to say that you are having any difficulty with the same things, angier. It's my story that I thought might help,

Love you guys!!

Comment by angier on October 28, 2015 at 2:23pm

ELO, Gripe to me all you want I understand I am feeling the same way. I will keep you updated on what happens with my e-mail. By the way what are calendar squares?  I am in the dark about alot of things.

Comment by NavyMom2008 on October 28, 2015 at 2:20pm

I know it is hard, however, try and stay as positive as possible.  My son earned his Dolphins, received his plaque as a plank owner and so much more....I was not on "the list", so I didn't get the letters and such, but when he came home, he gave me EVERYTHING!  He didn't want to have to move it from command to command and said that he knew I would treasure it.  He was so right.  You can find positive in EVERYTHING....just look, sometimes it takes real effort, but you can do it.  Hugs!

Comment by ELO.Navy.Mom on October 28, 2015 at 2:16pm

i plan to just sit tight and hope that nothing happens that would cause a need for the ombudsman. Without being on that list, will I have the opportunity to take part if things like halfway boxes or the calendar squares? Sometimes it really sucks when they are halfway across the country. I try to just be supportive of his decisions, but it is hard. Sorry to gripe - my heart is just a bit bruised.

Comment by angier on October 28, 2015 at 1:57pm

Thank you everyone for your support and comments. I do appreciate it. I have already sent the e-mail so I will have to live with whatever consequences come up. My son received an accommodation and a letter was sent. I received a picture of it in a text message from my ex. That was just so hurtful. Not on my sons part but if he would have put me on the list like I asked I probably would have also gotten a letter also.   Thank again everyone.

Comment by NavyMom2008 on October 28, 2015 at 1:40pm

I fully agree.  In fact, some commands will actually seriously FROWN on this.  It is the Sailor's responsibility to take care of their affairs on their own.  As a mom, if you try to intervene, it makes it appear as though the Sailor is not capable of handing things on their own.

Comment by NavyMom2008 on October 28, 2015 at 1:11pm

Hello everyone!  My son was on a fast attack sub during his first enlistment.  I was NOT on the list.  It took some soul searching on my part, but I realized that he IS an adult and I had to respect his wishes and not make him feel guilty for those wishes.  Fast forward,  this is now his second enlistment and I am on every list imaginable!  It hurt like heck when we said that he thought it was best that I not be on the list originally.  I recently returned from a visit with him and we have a discussion about everything.  He explained to me that I was FAR too attached to him as my CHILD.  He felt that I had not come to grips with the fact that he was an ADULT.  He said he was afraid that I would ultimately reach out to his superiors with questions and concerns and that is not something that ANY sailor wants to deal with.  I hope this helps a bit.  As a Navy Vet, (ex)USMC wife, and now mom to a Navy daughter (first enlistment) and Navy Son (second enlistment) I have seen, heard and understand quite abit!  Have a good day.

Comment by angier on October 28, 2015 at 12:52pm

Hi ELO.Navy Mom,

I am sorry to hear that your son made that decision. I am hoping that my son will say yes to putting me on the list. I did write an e-mail to the commander and am waiting for a response from my son or the commander himself. Yes, you are right the kids do you how to hurt you. Hope it changes for you soon. Have a good day!

Comment by ELO.Navy.Mom on October 28, 2015 at 12:08pm

He LIVED with his father. (oops)

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