Comment

Comment by PMSingMOMof3(11/351) on November 17, 2011 at 12:50am

I'm sorry if I was too personal or out of line in regards to my sharing. Like I said I've never told anybody, let alone a forum. When I read your concerns something just tugged at me. Pretty hard actually. We all made mistakes or wish things turned out different in some area of our lives. But, knowing what I did, now. 21 years later, made me open my big mouth. I kept thinking shit this is what I put my mom through? And my feelings were "why did she let me, didn't she love me, did anyone really even care..." I'm not really sure of the point I'm trying to make is. You're Mom, you (us) will always be their #1. Just support her and let her know that you're there Irregardless of the boyfriend. It's not worth the stress that she can put herself through. Being that age and trying to follow your heart is a hard thing to do..she needs you to guide her. Just don't let her be me. Ok enough said. I'm not even sure if I made any sense. <3

Comment by Cheryl56(Ship11 DIV352) on November 16, 2011 at 11:48pm

PMSingMom...I really appreciate you sharing such a personal story with me,it bought tears to my eyes.Also makes me feel better in knowing I am doing the right thing in trying to get her to see she is too young to be making all these plans with him.I just don't want her to have regrets either because time cannot be rewound,I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and regrets I have,but I'm not sure if I have got through to her yet!!! Time will tell.Thank you once again :)

Comment by JustMe from NJ on November 16, 2011 at 10:30pm

PMSingMom: Kudos to you for sharing such personal information for the benefit of another .... aside from a valuable message, it was a very generous gesture. You have my admiration. :)

Comment by Carebear on November 16, 2011 at 10:06pm

My son has a girlfriend and is planning on spending time with her and her family.  However; I am lucky he knows not to cross the line with me and leave us standing when we are all going to be leaving Missouri soon as the house sells which looks like it may happen in March.  His girlfreind said that they will spend 3/4 of the time at my house which was very touching.  I hope have guided my boys with good family values.  Only time will tell.  Nice staying in touch with everyone. 

Comment by PMSingMOMof3(11/351) on November 16, 2011 at 6:15pm

Hi Cheryl. I'm gonna share what I only ever have with my best friend (and a few therapists :D) I am "the girlfriend" that you are talking about. I had Matt, my 21 year old when I was 17. I chose to follow my husband and his family rather than my own. Matt, Steven (sailor) and Tia, don't know my side of the family, not my parents, not my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother. They have met them a few times. It is by no fault of anyone, but my own. I thought, when I was younger, that my now husband, had that "perfect family" and I wanted to be with them and do everything I could to be one of them. Now, 21 years later and a few therapy bills, let me say I wish every single day somebody fought for me and told me blood is thicker than water. Nobdoy ever tried to guide me and say what are you doing? My biggest regret in LIFE is that I chose to follow "the boyfriend". Now, dad needing a lung transplant (not getting on donor list), Mom is sick, my sister had another baby who I haven't even seen....actually I haven't seen my family in 7 years since I moved to Florida. My sailor thankfully did not date, knowing he was enlisting and did not want to hurt a girl so I don't have to worry about sharing. If I had to do it all over again Cheryl, I wish my Mom, my Dad, my BF, my dog told me to stop and that family is first. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I gave up 21 years, including the privelege of my kids knowing their family because I was too young and stupid to think otherwise. I chose the boyfriend. I didn't share, and now regrets, regrets, regrets. Sharing I say is so much better than what I did. I'm typing on my phone so this may seem like a babble. But if your daughter ever needs a reminder of the person who will be there for the rest of her life irregardless, have her call me. :) And the "bashing"....every arguement in my home revolves around bashing from 21 years ago. Just thought I'd share it with you and apparently all of PIR 10/21. Good luck. xoxo

Comment by Cheryl56(Ship11 DIV352) on November 16, 2011 at 5:55pm

Thank you JustMe,good advice...the plan was for us to spend the Saturday together as I was off from work but not sure if that will happen now,but I will try and do some"negogiating" like that,also "no boyfriend bashing",hard to do but I will give it my level best!!!!! :)

Comment by JustMe from NJ on November 16, 2011 at 5:42pm

Marvelmom:  I really am blessed to have two children who love and respect each other enough that spending Thanksgiving together is important to them.  I'm so happy that they'll be together even if the four of us can't be together.  Maturity is a wonderful thing!  :) 

Cheryl56:  Your daughter will come around.  I have a 30 year old who I would have sworn was my natural enemy until about a year ago.  She went away to college at 18 and has been living independently ever since.  We have great moments and we have "why does she have to be like that" moments.  We can try to guide them but they have to make their own mistakes (as we did) and learn from them.  Sometimes the more we don't want them to do something, the more they do it just to exert their control.  You have to believe that you've instilled values and ideals during her formative years and that she will ultimately come back to them.  Life is too short to miss any time with our children because we don't like who they've chosen to be with.  She is young and as she goes on in the service I suspect she will realize that there is more adventure that awaits her.  It is difficult for anyone to maintain a long distance relationship -- perhaps in time they will grow apart and move on.  My kids (ages 27 and 30) are just starting to realize that Mom isn't a moron.  It will happen for you too -- hang on.  Can you tell her that you realize her boyfriend is important to her, but ask that she give you ONE day as a "girls day out" ...just the two of you??  Maybe go shopping, or a movie, or manicure ... just girls , with the promise to keep the conversation positive (no boyfriend bashing).  :)   

 

Comment by Cheryl56(Ship11 DIV352) on November 16, 2011 at 4:12pm

Mums...you have all made me feel so much better,knowing I am not the only one with these feelings! I was feeling like a really bad,selfish parent.She knows I will always be here for her but this boyfriend is such a waste of space and I don't want her to waste her short leave staying with him.She is very young,actually turns 19 on Friday when she is due home!!! 2 weeks I managed to talk her out of getting married while she is on leave,but like you,Mombychoice,I have a feeling she will be spending most nights with him!!! I had already said he could come for Thanksgiving dinner,but I'm gonna be hard pressed not to stick the carving knife in him!!!! :p

Comment by ThunderD'sMom on November 16, 2011 at 3:37pm

Alright Moms, you have hit the nail on the head again with this "sharing" conversation.  I have been wondering if I should discuss this with my son. I know he loves his girlfriend, but his family loves him too and we want our time with him too.

I just try to remember the way I felt at their age and who I wanted to spend time with. It's hard to let our babies go, but we have to trust that if they are old enough to defend our freedom, they are old enough to make their own decisions about these silly boyfriends/girlfriends. Right?

That being said-he better be spending some time with us alone or he is going on Santa's naughty list this year!

Comment by mombychoice on November 16, 2011 at 2:34pm

Oh my goodness! I have been holding my feelings in since bootcamp. Our son is not mine by birth but he is my youngest and we grew so close during his teen years. I thought something was really wrong with me (how could I dare to almost feel jealous?? at age 63 and of one who is only 18? and yet that is what it sometimes feels like).  Think I was just born to be a mom (3 of my own, much older, 6 grandchildren, and his older sister); don't remember feeling same when my youngest son left but that was college/girl friend and able to come home whenever. We got a suite in Waukegan for grad time so that girlfriend and her mom could be in same place with us and we would not have to share: that worked pretty well. Now it is time for holidays and his sis and I feel pretty sure that he will probably spend most of his time/stay overnights with her/family in their home while on leave. He too expressed regret while in bc that he had not spent more of the summertime at home with us, but then again bc was a lonely place. Even more important to me is the fact that his dad is 66, not in great health, and raised the 2 kids alone since they were very young (mom died of cancer in 2000). I fear a long deployment in the next year or so and don't want his dad to miss those opportunities to be with him. On the other hand, his dad sometimes refers to some of us (with our me first feelings) as helicopter moms. That doesn't really bother me; dads and moms just structured differently, just the nature of the beast. I am glad for the girlfriend to come here/stay here as many nights as she wishes, just want him to be with us. Haven't said anything to him yet; trying to find a time, the right words, and a time when I will not tear up.  Thank goodness we have a place here to vent.

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