Am I the only mom who isn't happy?

[ProudMomHappy]

My son will be leaving soon and I am finding it difficult to say the word Navy.

I am not proud of his choice to drop out of college to join the Navy. I am not looking forward to getting letters of this broken sprit and gradually receiving letter after he regains self esteem.

I think basic training is cruel and emotional abuse so they can tear them down to built them back up again. I don't understand it.

My sons father was in the military when we married and had our son. It didn't take long before we divorced because he was mean and a drunk. The stress he couldn't handle and I grew tired of the saying, "If the military wanted me to have a family they would of issued me one"

Graduation... I don't think I can go. I don't want to see my son as this man. He is already a man and a damn good one now. It will break my heart to see him.

Am I alone here? I have read a lot about the excitement and getting phone calls and letters ect. Everyone is so happy but I don't know how to be happy about any of it!

[BunkerQB]

Dear NotHappy,

Don't feel that you are alone. You are amongst friends, Navy moms, regardless of how your views and objections. I honestly encourage people to speak out - voice things that we don't like - and do something about it. We are not powerless.

His Navy experience proved to be beneficial to my son (nuke officer on submarine) in looking for a job. Again, it proved useful because of the connections with others who had also been in the nuke community. Additionally, the VA loan and GI Bill for educational expenses have come in handy. 

Please feel free to wonder around this site. We may disagree but we know exactly how you are going to feel when deployment comes and you haven't heard from him in weeks.

Take care. Stick around.

[ProudMomHappy]

Dear Ann:

I can totally related to the branch of service he choose.  His father is a retired airman.  His life was basically “normal” He had a few TDY’s nothing more than 6 weeks and was at 3 bases during his 25 years.  He remarried and had more children and was able to be there for almost all their life events ect.  The Navy requires their men and women to sacrifice so much more of themselves that in my own selfishness I would have preferred another branch.  I know I will be proud because his career will require more of him than others.  I just haven’t grieved the loss of my dreams of family holidays, special events ect that I won’t get to share with him because of his career.  Yes I am selfish, he is my one and only and I had dreams and ideas of how the future would look and now have to create new ideas and dreams of how reality will look.  My son is really teaching me a lesson here.  A lesson I need, but change as we all know isn’t easy but in the end it is always good.  I will get there… I will be proud, I will learn.  We had a nice dinner last night and I told him… “I am working through this. I love you and you know I will always be there for you no matter what.  I’m sorry I am not jumping up and down right now, but I am still in a state of shock and need to process everything.”  No matter what I will only send him positive thoughts while he is in basic. I don’t want to mess with his head when he is going through a difficult time.  I have never been a “told ya so” parent, but I have been honest when I felt something was a bad decision and let him decide on his own what he wanted to do.  He is doing this so I have to just reprogram my thoughts.  It has really helped to be able to share with you and others my feelings.  Thank you for the prayers and I will pray for son and all the sailors who have given themselves to serve our country.

[BunkerQB]

I can't speak for moms with daughters since I have two sons. Trust me, even if your son lives within a hour distance, you may or may not see him at every holiday. My former sailor is married to a lovely gal. The inlaws love him so much that they monopolize every spare moment they have. Occasionally I feel like raising my hand and shout, "Hey remember me?!! I am the one who carried him for 9 months and give birth."  

OK. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I won't vent anymore unless someone wants to offer several glass of merlot.

Good discussion, NotHappy.

[Anti M]

Not everyone is pro-Navy and pro-service.  That's okay.  You shouldn't have to change your views in order to support him.  Just keep the lines of communication open as best you can. 

I did not tell my parents I was joining the Navy until I was in boot camp and sent them a letter!  Dad had been career Navy when that meant something arduous, and I knew he'd think a girl could not do it, and Mom wanted me to be a housewife.  A religious one at that.  While I did get support, I could tell it was half-hearted.  I still enjoyed my service very much.  The Navy has given me a lot in life I could not have found in college, and I did go for a couple years.  I guess missing holidays was no big deal for me, I'd been raised doing it.  To this day, my husband and myself celebrate by when it is convenient, not by the calendar. (he;s retired Navy, but travels constantly for work).  

As for boot camp, in my experience I did not find it cruel.  Frustrating, annoying, and tough at times, yes, but not cruel.  They need to break civilian habits, not the spirit of the recruits.  A ship needs a crew which will respond to orders quickly and uniformly.  This is what boot camp is about, that, plus attention to detail.  Small details can mean you did the job right, or you messed up and people died. Funny, making beds and folding clothes is one effective tool for that.  I picked up better organizational habits in the Navy, and confidence.  I never felt abused or trod upon, and rarely felt homesick... but then, I'd been a nomad since birth.  

I wish your son success and fulfilment.  I hope you can find a healthy way to adjust to his new path.  Best of luck to you, and I hope you can find some facets of this experience which will bring you satisfaction, if not happiness.  

[BunkerQB]

BK, the last time I called. The phone just rang and rang and rang. Do you still have mine?

[JustJo]

Ma'am, I believe you have had positive experiences with the US military, your son is currently providing a college education for your grandchildren. As you get older, your son currently has the means to care for you as a defendant if needed with full medical care and housing.
I work at Marine Corps boot camp, San Diego.... I'm a Navy Veteran, my husband is a LtCol/USMC, my oldest son is US Army/infantry and my baby is US Navy Diver in Guam... I stand 100% with all three of them. We had an amazing life and so are they. God Bless your son!

[JustJo]

Dependent

[NovaMom]

Not Happy,

You are entitled to your feelings.  Our children, as adults, are going to make decisions we disagree with.  Perhaps I'm wrong, but it seems you blame your husband's issues on the military.  You seem to have them tied up together.  The military didn't make him a mean drunk, he would have been one regardless.  My advice is simply to not cut your son off.  Let him know you don't like his decision, but you love him.  Please reconsider going to his graduation.  He will work hard for it, and might find it hard to forgive if you aren't there.

[BunkerQB]

Denise, (((((HUG))))). No words necessary. We are here.

[Sailorswife2716]

My husband is currently in Bootcamp and our son is only 2, but I just wanted to share my story and offer you some kind words. My first reaction after reading yor post I wanted to respond negatively because I felt negativity. But after really thinking about what you said, I understand where you are coming from. Not everyone is going to have the same feelings right away.

Joining the navy has been something my husband has always wanted to do since he was in highschool but I didn't want him to join for my selfish reason that our relationship was fairly new, but what really swayed his decision not to join was his mom not wanting him to. Almost 7 years later once our son was born the navy came up again and we both felt it was the right decision for the betterment of our family.

However with my little brother, he used to be totally against joining the military, it wasn't until he was nearly halfway done with his senior year, my uncle (he is going on 20 years in the usmc and is currently a recruiter) talked to him about his future and my brother was totally for joining the marines. My mom was completely surprised and felt like he was just saying it just because, and she really just wanted him to go to school. My uncle, brother, and mom mutually decided that joining the marine reserves was a better route. Now even if it may have been kind of random, my brother is now finished with Bootcamp and has a sense of pride in his accomplishment and is so motivated about his future and said that this was the best decision he's ever made. We all knew that he needed this somehow to help shape him. Our dad was never a bad dad, he's always had his demons and he still battles them today. My brother has never really had a true male influence even if my dad has always been around so this was really good for him.

The point of my backstory is (sorry it was rather lengthy) is that, though your sons decision may have seemed like a rash decision... It was still a decision he felt was necessary to make for himself. I have no doubt that your son was a good man prior to enlisting, but he will still be that great man. He is not your husband, and maybe within him he is struggling to keep fighting not to be the man that your husband was. I struggle daily with the anger/ attitude issue that I got from my dad, and I found it so much easier to stop trying not to be like my dad because the more I tried, the more I started to be like him, and just be more mindful of myself and be true to myself and help improve myself.

I am a firm believer in things happening in their right time because we learn from them, and I believe that your son felt he needed to make this decision at this time. He will be so proud of himself at PIR and I would hate for you to miss witnessing his pride while wearing his dress blues.

Fear of the unknown is natural, and I know right now your just unsure. Everything takes time. He needs your love and encouragement right now during Bootcamp, I know he would definitely appreciate it. Your son is great for what he is doing for our country. Who knows if he's going to hate being in the navy or if he's going to love it, but either way... You need to experience things to find out.

My thoughts go out to you, and I'm sending you good positive vibes. Hoping everything goes well for you and your son. Take care!