A Ring, a Kiss, and a Name

[Olive Oyl]

Have you ever sat down and thought about your wedding? Like really thought about all the little details?

If you're married, I know you must have. If you're engaged, you probably have. But I am neither of those. Though, I guess I could say I'm pre-engaged, because we have talked about it and we are planning on getting engaged and married within 2-4 years.

But still, I'm none of those. And even so, I was sitting in my living room the other day, just thinking about how I want my wedding to be. The dress I want to wear, who would be in the bridal party, how many guests to invite - like it was seriously the whole shabang in my head.

Then I started thinking about what comes after. Usually when I do this (because yeah, I'm really in love and I do this a lot) that just means I am picturing us living in a little rental, and he's about to finish his 4 years of active duty in the Navy and I'm doing PR for a theatre company, and we're just happy. But this particular time, as I sat in my living room on my red couch just wishing that day was today, I thought about names.

Not names of kids, because I've already picked out a few. But my name, our name, his name. I thought about the gender studies class I'm taking and the statistics of women taking the man's name when they get married. I thought about me giving up this very important proper noun that I have defined my whole life. I thought about taking on a new proper noun that I don't define. A proper noun that his dad would throw in my face for the rest of my life if I took it.

Then I thought about my options. There's hyphenation, which would cause people to lose their breath when calling for me. I could always make my current last name my middle name since I never had one, but that's almost as bad as the next option. Taking his last name. Giving up part of who I am. Writing off the name of the people who have helped me become who I am today. It's like I'd be saying, "sorry family, his family is more important. I'm becoming one of them, forever."

And plus, that would totally screw up my initials. I really don't want to become BJ. I actually really like being BS. And no, I don't want to become BSJ either.

Then I got to thinking about other options. Like, why can't he take my name? Because it would demasculinize him? How is a name going to ever take someone's masculinity?? We have never talked about this, but I know that if I suggested that he become TSNS (he has 2 middle names) he would shut me down right off the bat. His father's side of the family (which is divorced) would belittle him for taking the woman's name. They would be angry at me.

But why? Why is this idea so horrible? Tradition? If that's the only answer then we have a really messed up view of this whole thing. Our whole society can move forward from slavery to become a country of equality, we can accept same sex love as legitimate and beautiful even though in the past it was unfathomable to most, but we can't understand a man taking his wife's name?

I don't want my husband-to-be's name. I want my name. I don't want to be a housewife. I want him to do the dishes, change a lot of diapers, and get up in the middle of the night when the baby's crying. I want us both to bring home the bacon and take turns frying it up in a pan. I want to live in a world where it's not based on tradition just because it's tradition. And I want to marry my Popeye. I just want him to understand these wants.

Love,

Olive Oyl