Desperate for Answers~

[SusieHilll13]

Hi N4M! This is my first blog that i have written. My life for the last 4 years has been an emotional roller coaster with my spouse. My husband and i have been married for 2 years together 3. I have never been the type of woman to be all in his finances and statements, and i'm beginning to feel like that's my dummy mistake. He has a son, and our whole relationship began with him going to boot camp. I had his son while he was in A school, we broke up, got back together and that's when we married. I then moved to where he was based and took over as "step mom" and wife. There has always been this ongoing issue with his finances. Always stating his "check" was messed and could never do what he promised. But, somehow, miraculously, always was able to do what HE felt was important. He was recently deployed for 7 months. His son and i packed up and moved back to our hometown because i was pregnant and wanted to be around family, and to save. While deployed, on the 1st and 15th, when he was paid, we got paid. Then for some odd reason, upon return on Christmas, that no longer happens. I feel like he has been lying to me about his finances. I asked him to buy a car seat and bassinett (which i feel like i shouldnt have to ASK for) while he was out to see and he never got it. He came home for Christmas and spent $400 on shoes for him, spent AT LEAST $500 on his son and NOTHING for the baby on the way. He asked me what i wanted for christmas, i said "nothing, just get our baby stuff" He still bought me shoes..expensive shoes ANYWAY. So, as i creep up on 36 weeks today, still with no car seat i continually ask, "can you PLEASE order the baby stuff at least the car seat, i need it to leave the hospital. He then goes on to tell me pay changes now that he his not out to sea anymore and he doesn't have much money. He has done absolutely nothing for the new baby, and here it is the 15th and NO MONEY for me and HIS SON to have food. Here's what I think. He's lying about his finances for the simple fact that i do not ask about his finances and pay, because i feel like i should trust him enough to do for if not me, his SON. But i should have. I really should have. And he WONT give me the information for it either. Hmmm..go figure. I know the military is all about family. And i know that there is NO WAY that if they knew that he had a wife and kid somewhere with NO MONEY for food, or a car seat for a baby on the way. I know another reason that people get into the military is for STABILITY. Not a job that "messes up your check". He even had the nerve to ask me "why is everything that has to be paid for put in my hands"...seriously? I could have sworn he was the provider. This is my first baby, i am confused pissed off and NERVOUS. Am i just married to a selfish lying man? Who comes home after a 7 month deployment and does nothing for his unborn child? And P.s. If it wasn't for my enrollment in DEERS, i wouldn't be surprised if his command or whoever knows that he's even married. He recently asked me to send him a copy of the marriage license. I asked why, and got no reply. Why would you need that NOW. We've BEEN married. And did i get a response to that? Of course not. I gotta calm my nerves. Any suggestions, opinions, information you want to share, please do. I'm desperate. Because someone is going to lose a spouse if i don't get some clarification~

[sailorwifenmom]

Ok, it sounds like there's a lot going on here. I have no idea if he is lying to you, and is really that selfish, or if he really is just irresponsible with money and not very good at communicating. I can give you some basic information as far as how some of this works, and offer some suggestions on who to reach out to for resolution.

It is actually pretty common for pay to get messed up, especially when there are a lot of things going on that cause changes to it - things like getting married, going through school / being transferred, and deployments. It does happen, and isn't all that uncommon - BUT - Sailors are taught how to read their LES (leave and earnings statement, or basically, a very fancy and detailed pay stub), so that when this happens, they can get it fixed.

When a Sailor has a family (married or has custody of their child), then when they are deployed for more than 30 days, they get something called "Family Separation Pay", or "Family Sep". That is 250 a month. Depending on where he was, he could have been getting Combat or Hazardous Duty Pay, and, again, depending on where, he could have been in a tax free zone, meaning he won't have to pay federal taxes on that income. (I don't remember off the top of my head if they just don't collect it for that time or they just get it all back at tax time.)

So, if, say, he was deployed on a ship and wasn't really paying attention to what that money was, he might not have known or really thought about the fact that those special pays stop when you aren't deployed (Or he was lying, as I said, I can't answer what he knew or meant, only how this works).

As far as needing the marriage license, that also could be very leg or, and I would even bet that this is what happened here - BAH fraud is something that Sailors, especially New ones who think they can scam the system, try. So, to prevent.t that, sometimes commands will do audits, where they want Sailors to bring in proof that they are in fact married or have custody or etc. Usually, this means they want to see the marriage license or a copy of your lease or both. In fact, a few years ago, my husband had to take in our marriage license and our lease, and at that point we had 2 kids and had been married about 15 years, AND we were married by a Navy Chaplain. But, they needed to see it, and our lease proving we lives in WA, with him.

Now I admit a lot of this does sound shady, and I do think spending all of that on shoes when you don't have a car seat is a good idea (especially because trying to support a family of 3, soon to be 4 on what I'm guessing is E-4 or b below pay is very hard And can take some pretty strict budgeting...). But, there COULD be somewhat legitimate (even if not very smart) reasons for all of thus.

Have you asked him to show you how to read an LES, so you can come up with a budget together? He can create a guest account for you on Mypay, where you can't change any allotments or anything, but you can see his LES. He doesn't HAVE to do this, but it might help you both if he does.

If he is not helping you get the basic things you need for this baby, such as a car seat, especially since you are married (it's more complicated with of girlfriends), then you might need to contact the Chaplain or Ombudsman and ask for their help with getting command involvement. This is NOT always a bad thing to do, but I do warn you, in the situation you described, he's probably going to get yelled at or at the very least sent for financial counseling to learn to manage his money. (Which, if it's like you described, is how it should be!)

I would also very strongly encourage you to take a COMPASS class, it's free, with free child care, and free lunches, and is a class for Navy spouses, taught by trained, experienced spouses, and will teach you a TON of stuff (in a fun and easy to learn way) about the Navy - stuff that will make your life as a spouse a LOT easier!

Good luck, I really hope things work out for you and your Sailor, and you get the things you need!

[sailorwifenmom]

ugh - sorry about the typos - on my kindle and its late, so....  

legitimate, not leg or

 do NOT think it's a good idea, not "do think it's a good idea"

this, not thus

 And any others I missed...

[SusieHilll13]

Thank you so much for your help, this really helped alot! At this point, i'm really fed up. Thank you so much

[BunkerQB]

sailorwifemom is our resident expert on these matters (Anti M too). Sorry you are going thru so much stress. Is he close to his mother, father, or another member of the family?  Would they be able to shed some light on this situation? or talk to him? I hope I am way off base but reading between the lines, is it possible that he feels trapped by his domestic/family obligations?  He feelings for you does not appear to be as strong as your feelings for him. I guess, at this point perhaps you may have to prepare for the worst. I am very glad you have family support. Where is the biological mother of your stepson?  I applaud you willingness to take on being his step mother.  I hope your husband wakes up soon and takes his responsibilities more seriously.  Divorce seems like a fact of life for military couples.  But take advantage of the resources available to you (mentioned above) - learn to manage ALL your finances. This is one area that I believe it the responsibility of the "stay at home" spouse/partner. Both parties should know exactly where the money comes from and how much goes in and how much goes out. But the management typically falls on the shoulders of the at home spouse - balancing the check book, paying credit cards on time, budgeting. I would suggest you take over the responsibility and work on a budget (particularly important since he is not paying any attention to his expendable income).

Good luck.

[Anti M]

Much of the money he is getting is because he is married to you.  The Navy looks very harshly on sailors who pull the benefits and allowances, yet do not support their dependents.  

Yes, contact someone in charge to talk to... I'd suggest the Command Masterchief.  A chaplain is not in his chain of command, the ombudsman is a civilian spouse.  You want someone who will sit him down and set him straight, with the authority to make it stick.  

I've seen this before.  You are entitled to the full BAH monies, the FSA, plus enough to support the children and yourself.   From situations I've seen in the past, that's half his base pay, minimum.  And yes, his chain of command can make that happen.  He can do just fine on a smaller allowance. u

Yes, the stay at home usually is in charge of the finances, simpler to handle everything while the sailor is deployed.

But yes, ther's something strange going on with him.  Don't put up with it.

[Mary, Proud Mom of Nick]

Go to the nearest base and talk to legal, he is lying to yu and his BAH is asked on deendents nd e is not supporting you or his son ?! Protect yourself - call legal!