Every mom deals with it differently

[Arwen]

When I joined N4M (just before my son left for boot camp in Dec. 2009) I kept hearing complaints from moms who were told by friends and co-workers "Why so upset, it's just like sending them off to college."

Hmmm, I thought. I couldn't imagine being terribly upset. Yes, I sent my son off to college the year before, and I couldn't see any difference myself, and I told the moms that.

Six months later I got a message from one of the moms who was part of that conversation asking if I still felt the same way.

I had to answer "yes."

He wasn't here. Okay. No problem. He wasn't here in college, either. The only difference was in college I wasn't forced to hand-write letters. I had more communications from Chris in boot camp than I ever got when he was in college. If anything, boot camp was easier because I knew he was being monitored, under control, and not out doing something stupid like skipping class or playing video games all night before an exam. I could relax because he was in good hands.

Do I love him? Of course! Do I miss him? Not really. He calls home, a lot. Again, more than he did when he was in college. And I know he's safer than he was in college. We used to live on a college campus, I know what goes on there. The Navy is a LOT safer, and more conducive to helping a young man mature and grow.

Mostly I'm curious about his adventures, about how the Navy has changed since I was in 20 years ago. I want to know as much as I can, as much
as OPSEC allows.Soon he will be going to sea. He's headed for Japan, and I'll only see him once a year. That's not bad. My husband sees his parents about once a decade, and its been that way since he was in the Navy.

Chris is coming home for leave next month before he goes to Japan. While I look forward to his visit, I also dread it, because, like all long visits from relatives, it's a change in my routine. It's exhausting having someone in the house who is not part of the routine. We no longer have a bedroom for him, he has to sleep in the living room on the couch, and we've moved since he left us, he has no friends here. So he will be home all the time. But I won't be there much. I work strange, long hours.

Parents complain that their kids come home, then disappear. I wish Chris had friends here, peers he could share his experience with, to show off his uniforms and brag to how awesome he is with a pistol, and be the "toast of the town" while he visits. But there will be no parties, no hanging out. Just laying around at home, reading and probably a lot of sleeping.

It will be a relief when he leaves for Japan. It's not that I want to get rid of him, or don't love him. He's an adult now. I didn't raise him to be a momma's boy, to hang around home forever. If he did, I feel I would have failed at my job as a parent. I raised him to be an independent adult, to go out into the world and find his way. I supported him in his transition from young adulthood while he tried college, passed through boot camp, struggled in A school. Now its time to cut what threads remain on my apron strings. It's up to him now. All I ask for is some basic updates once in a while.

Now I await the chance for his younger brother to fly, too. And soon, I hope.

[BunkerQB]

We all respond differently to different situations. Some people are more emotional by nature. Some people are more "matter-of-fact" by nature. There is a place and a group (site) for everyone. At the beginning, many are understandably more emotional. Most get the hang of being a part of the Navy community. A times I am more sympathetic than at others - depending on what is going on with the rest of my life and how often I have been "sympathetic" most recently. When I am in one of those states, I try not to comment to a blog or forum discussion that is from a overwhelmed, over-the-top emotional newbie. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. There are others here who would be a more appropriate person (at that time) to guide her gently. I take a break from being the "strong one" and concentrate on doing something just for me.
Have a great weekend.

[Arwen]

I'm not sure how you have any control over communications and decisions for students in college. Once my son was gone to college (which happened only two weeks after he graduated from high school), that was the end of my control over him. Maybe it was because we weren't contributing to paying for college (he was totally on his own), and he did not maintain a place at home (no coming home for summer - we moved as soon as he left). But he was just as "gone" in college as he is in the Navy.

My experience is different from other moms, which is why I titled this "every mom deals with it differently." None of us are coming from exactly the same background, we are personally different, and our kids are different.

I'm just saying, it's as unfair to say "it's just like college" as it is to say "it's nothing like college." For some moms, it is "just like college" and just as easy to let go.

[TexasMomof2]

You know, I was just thinking...........not only do Moms each deal differently with the situation, but, a Mom can also deal with each situation differently when you have more than one. I have 2 sons in the Navy and they are both unique in their lives, personalities, how they experience things, etc. and this causes me to have my own unique experiences with each of them. Neither one of them are the same. Which is the exact same situation with what this blog is about......this blog made me look at this. Did that make sense, LOL! Kinda hard for me to word after I've been dealing with a screaming mimi puppy all day----my brain is not quite working properly.

[BunkerQB]

Hi BK & Cgurl. When one of my sons has been home for awhile, I am not happy to see them go but I am happy to have my house back. As soon as they leave, the house is incredibly quiet and I count the days when they will be home again. I need a cottage on my property, then they can have their own separate area when they come home. In fact, two cottages would be great. I guess I playing the lottery this weekend. ROFLMAO.

[Arwen]

Thank you, Lynne, for helping me make my point.

My family is still very close, I still know what's going on with my extended (and very large) family. We just do it from a distance. Being far away and never *seeing* each other is no barrier to maintaining a relationship.

[Lynne]

I think the old adage "feelings aren't right or wrong...they just are" sums it up. As mothers each of us will have different ideas about parenting and have had different experiences. That doesn't make any of them right or wrong, better or worse. In Arwen's situation she talks of only seeing her inlaws once a decade. Seeing her son once a year may seem frequent. For me, I grew up in rural America. Not only were my grandparents near by, but their brothers and sisters lived on the same street. I know them, their children and their children's children. I cherished every moment I had with them. We were together every weekend, holiday, and vacation playing cards, laughing, having big family meals. My parents have now both gone home to be with the Lord, and yet my aunt and uncle have stepped in and become my rock and act as grandparents to my son. For us, a strong sense of family means frequent get-togethers and daily conversations. My son has gone to college and we spoke daily. For me, him going to boot camp means I won't hear his cheerful voice on the phone or the update about what is happening in his life as often, but I know his heart will always remain near home. As he grows older and marries, in our family, that person will be scooped up, treasured and become another part of the fabric of our family. I think this blog points reminds us that while we are different we are in many ways the same. We all come from different backgrounds, with different family make-ups, and unique family experiences. However, we all share a common bond in that our children have chosen this path in life. In many ways it is a microcosm of what is going on in America today. Isn't it time to focus on what brings us together rather than what draws us apart? We are all Navy Mothers, each one us proud of our Sailor or Sailor to be, proud of the path they have taken, and determined to support them to the best of each of our abilities, each in our own individual and unique way. So to every mom who chooses to come to Navy4Moms for support, guidance, understanding, or just to brag a bit about their "great" child I say Bravo Zulu Mom...Bravo Zulu.

[Lynne]

Actually Arwen I think my point was that my family expectations are probably polar opposite of yours. That doesn't mean it is better or worse, it just is that way. Sometimes people believe that their way is the only way and that is simply not true. The mother who comes on this site who is thrilled that her child has chosen the Navy and is ready for them to leave home is most likely a good mom. In addition, the mom who is sad or devastated by their child's decision and reluctant to see them leave home is also in all liklihood a good mom. When I was introduced to this site, i was a mother of the latter type, and still have many of those same concerns and fears. To understand that, you would have to understand my story, which you can read in the Safe Harbor group discussion, I'm not going to revisit that here. However to say I just can't let go of my son would be wrong. To say I am controlling or possessive would also be wrong. My real point was about tolerance. Each of our families take a different journey, with a different path, and a different result. What works for one does not work for the other. It is important that we support every mom on this site and if their view is something we don't understand or comprehend that we send them to a group where they can get the answers they seek or the support they need not condemn them for feeling differently than ourselves.

[Tee-1sailor's mom]

I believe this has everything to do with the family dynamic, and not just the immediate family, but the extended as well. My son was totally independent before he decided to join the Navy. What I mean by that is that he lived on his own, had a great job, a long-term girlfriend, his own friends, etc. Our relationship at that point, was great. He called me every week or so and said "mom, let's have dinner" or he would want to discuss some issue he was dealing with in his life. What he needed from me was what was important. In the meantime, I lived my life and if I wanted to talk to him he was a phone call away. Famly occations were optional, but he always chose to attend because he wanted to. He's very close to his sister and cousins and his grandfather (my dad) was, as my son described, the person he looked to when learning what a man is. He misses the family as much as we miss him. My point is that our extended family is close, a unit, but by choice. No one has to do anything they don't want to do. After leaving for Boot Camp, I missed him, but it was the forced non-communication that was the worst. If it was college, I could send a text or call, not so in BC. Now that he's in A school we call not and then, and I again have the role of "sounding board" for him. His choice. He has plenty of other people he can talk to, and I'm sure he does, but I have a role in his life and I cherish that. Deployment will be another story. Knowing he is in harms way every day is going to be rough. I cannot bear the thought of losing my only son. That's when I fall apart. Sorry, I sort of lost track of my main point. It was that every family has it own dynamic and that extends to how we deal with our sailor's Navy life. Every one is different, yet the same in many way. Eagle Mom said it much more succinctly! LOL

[Arwen]

There is a huge difference between being cold-hearted and being perfectly okay with physical absence It's not that I want to see him "gone." I just want to see him move on to his own adventures and his own future. It's a source of pride to me that he isn't going to end up living in my basement, or never travel beyond the next big town.

I would only miss him is he stepped out of my life completely, stopped calling me, stopped emailing me, telling me what he is doing, never visiting. He is not absent from my life just because he is not within close physical proximity. In modern times the other side of the world is only a Facebook message away. How to you "miss" someone when they haven't left your life?

[Arwen]

Haven't you ever had a loved friend or relative come for a long visit, and you're incredibly happy when they arrive, but when they leave you are relieved to go back to your old routine?

Carolinagurl and LauraE, are you wives/girlfriends, or moms? Because if you are wives/girlfriends, we are coming from completely different places, totally different POVs. I had to watch my husband go to sea for 6 months, and I was never glad to see him go. But husbands are expected to be there with you for the rest of your life. They are your helpmate and partner in life.

Children are expected to leave to begin their new life, and not come back. It's different.

If you are moms, I don't share your way of thinking, but my whole point here is that we all are coming from this from different ways of thinking. It's easy for some, hard for others. All I ever wanted to say here is that there is no wrong way of dealing with our children leaving.

Picking two phrases and posting them completely out of context is completely unfair and does not accurately reflect anything I have written here.