Feeling like a bad mom

[Lisa]

Good morning to all the wonderful moms out there. My son has been stationed away for more than 7 months. Because of where he is I get a phone call or a message when ever he can. It’s really hard when you are not hearing from your kid and knowing we talked everyday. His schedule changes all the time and the comfort was that in June he would be back here and stationed where I can travel often to see him. But now that’s not happening he said maybe the end of the year. He has changed a lot since he’s been gone. As a mom you look for the cute little boy that happy go lucky kid and it’s gone. He is a man now and in the little time he calls or we face time I see the changes. He loves the Traveling and he says mom it’s hard working hours but the rewards are good. He has picked up smoking and I don’t like it at all. I have spoken to him about it and he patronizes me and says mom I stopped but I know he hasn’t. I don’t want to send the short time I get with him telling him what to do. Has anyone kid picked up a bad habit? Can anyone tell me how they kicked it without sounding to nagging. I worry about him all the time and I worry about where he is what he’s doing and of course his safety. Also I wake up early every day checking my phone during the night because I don’t want miss that call. I think it is taking a toll on me. I am jumpy with my phone. And if I miss the call I feel so bad. Until I hear from him again and this is sometimes days of a week or so before I hear from him again and then I am apologizing for not being up at the time he calls. Feeling like I am a bad mom. How are you ladies coping with this?

[Phoenixmom]

Hi Lisa, I have to tell you that when my son was in A school in Great Lakes, he came home for the Holiday, he gained some weight and he vapes now. He said that an older kid in A school took him to a hookah place and that he liked it, and I have to say I smoke and he couldn't stand it but now he tries to tell me that it isn't the same, I don't agree but that was his choice I can say much about it, But I did mention if he could please stay away from other habits that others may Have. and that I don't think that I would appreciate if he starts to drink just because his friends do, although he is only 19 yrs. he still cant. But what I don't understand is why the A school in Great Lakes had a bar on base, you would think they wouldn't want that for their Sailors. But I agree, my son is deployed out and I have been speaking with him as much as we can speak. He is missing home and wants to come home when he returns. because he is deployed out his time is ahead a day and while we are sleeping he is awake so it can be stressful but I make myself available for him. No you are not a bad Mom, us Mothers want the Best for our Loved ones but as they grow they may do things we don't like or approve of, but we have to accept it, and hope they just listen as we reason with them. and also explain that their careers come first that is why they are doing what they are doing. But I have come to learn that there are a lot of drunks in the military, too bad that they cant help in any way, but to have it right there on base is beyond me.

[giftedhands]

Hi,

You are not a bad Mom, just a mom who loves her child. keep him in your prayers and keep the phone close.

[Lisa]

Ladies thank you for the advice I am not a smoker and I really hope he kicks the habit. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Enjoy your night ladies and all the best to all our children.

[Debbie77]

Lisa,

I am new to this site but an old Navy mom.  My son has been in for 19 years.  He is my oldest and the one to leave the nest first - so in the beginning I also stressed over missed emails.  At that time phone calls where rare and costly (had to have a calling card - there where not cell phones like today).  His first assignment was ship duty in the middle east - 2000.  This was when the U.S.S. Cole was hit and his ship which was a support ship arrived first and stood guard over the Cole until the rest of the fleet arrived.  That was when I finally had to let go.  I could do nothing about the situation, worring and stressing was not helping at all and the last thing I wanted to do was stress my son the few times we could talk.  Since then I have learned to accept he is a man.  He makes his choices - not all I agree with - such as dipping tobacco, tattoos, drinking and so on.  BUT I had to let go, trust I raised him right (must have he joined the Navy to serve our Nation).  As mom we have to let go of our children as they become adults - the first one is the hardest because we are also walking down a path new to us.  It gets easier in time with the other kids but they are still our children and we love them.  The time I can spend with my son is to just enjoy him being here and us together.  In some ways he is a stranger to me because of his life experiences, in other ways he is still my baby boy and I want to protect him.  You are not a bad mom, and it is ok to give yourself permission to let go.  Your son is becoming a man, and as his mom, your role is changing.  Support him, let him know how proud of him you are, accept his choices (even the ones you hate) and focus on the positive changes in his character.  The time you have is precious, and special.  Focus on them and let go of the things you would want to change, but can not.   I hope this helps.  And as giftedhands suggested - pray for him every day.

[Lisa]

Hello Debbie77, you made me cry today not for the situation but also how you were dealing with your son and no support like what is here now. Times have definitely changed and if you ever need to chat I am here. As mothers we all go through our own phases of life and we all handle it differently. I have always been a very strong woman especially going through a divorce and raising two boys on my own. But nothing prepares you for when your kids leave and I am learning it the hard way. My older son wants to join and I am not ready to let him go. I know this is selfish but once he leaves I will have my husband of course but that emptiness is very lonely. 

[Debbie77]

Lisa,

How sweet.  I am sorry you cried.  I also was a single mom with 3 - my son also being the oldest and only boy.  And I, like you, am very independent, strong woman.  But my journey with my son has covered 19 years - so for me it was not the all of a sudden like you - reading our journey. You know, whether your son join the Navy or not - he will leave home.  For me, my son's leaving home was painful because I would not know where or what was happening with him - just short glimpses from time to time when we talked.  That  - for me - was the hardest part.  But even if he had gone to College - he would have left and I would have still had to face the where and what.  There is nothing about being a mother that is easy and each stage brings its own adjustments.  Just like when we first brought our first child home - the fear of not knowing what to do and how to be a mom was overwhelming at time.  This never goes away as a mom because every single stage brings it's own challenges and adjustments.  My son is 38 and I have finally accepted I will still have those moments of adjustments as a mother until I die.  But I am proud of him, the man he is and I am grateful the Navy played a part in shaping his character.

[Lisa]

Thank you Debbie, I really hope it gets better. I really am trying to throw myself into work and. I have gotten better at going into his room. My son couple days ago took my sons blanket and I was so upset. But these are his favorite things and I don’t want anyone touching them. But as you said we must let go. It’s hard it definitely takes time. And I wonder if all I will have is memories of that little boy. But I am proud of him. And I tell him every time he calls nd I send him notes so that when he does get signal he knows we love him and miss him. My older son is under the impression that I love my Navy son more than him. I have told him that’s not true I love them the same. I have explained the fact that he’s not hear so he is on my mind more. Learning every day!!! You have definitely opened my eyes and I thank you for the knowledge.

[Debbie77]

Lisa,

Thank you for the kind words.  Two things I found help me.  

1.  This, too, should pass - our feeling are not 'right or wrong' and they change - given them 10 mins...lol

2.  Literally take this one step, one day at a time - focus only on today, not yesterday and not tomorrow - if something is not in the right now, put it aside. 

I found in time, I would see I was going down some imagery road and immediately stop myself by saying, this is not right now so I'll deal with that when it is.

Hang in there - you will be fine.  =)

[Phoenixmom]

You two Ladies I have to admire, reading your post last night brought tears to my eyes. thinking back on my Son, we have had a great relationship and he has always repected me and my Concerns for him, I can see where you say they grow up and tend to go on their way. My Son is 19 yrs. and is deployed, he has been learning new things some I like some I dont. we talk on it, as I think we should considering we are Mother's right? Or is it we should just let them decide for themselves? I feel as a Mother I have always spoke my mind to my children to let it be know the right and wrongs of everyday life. There are things that have happened within the family that I had no control off. I can say it has consumed me in many ways, But I really like the focus you two ladies have in all of this. and I want to thank you both for speaking on that. and Debbie77 thank you for helping to guide on what it is that I should focus on with my son. I know he will be on his way which he is but on know it will continue, and I will not have any control as he gets older. Much Love to the Both of you!

[Debbie77]

Phoenixmom

I am so glad my little bit of understanding helps.  The clarity for me happen when my g-son who was 2 was going to have to have surgery for a birth defect (I am a RN).  I wanted SOOOOOO badly to step in and tell them who, what, where.  I was scared for my g-son, and for them.  BUT I realized - I had to allow them to walk that path, and only be supportive.  Did I express my concerns - yes, but I also made sure to let my son know I respected what decisions they would make.  Everything worked out perfectly - son was transferred to D.C and g-son ended up having his surgery with a world renown specialist - which was a HUGE relief to this momma.  For me that was when it finally clicked - he was grown, a father and I could no longer step into his life at will and drive his decisions.  It was hard, but also freeing.  I have raise all my children to make decisions for themselves and I can see where they do that.  I am very proud of all three and while it is had at this stage of life to be a part and not the whole of their lives, I really would not want it any other way.  As you said, I also made it very clear with my children about right and wrong, but all those years of investing in that teaching comes to the test and practice.  As the teacher, I now have to let go and trust in that education.  Hang in there, sound like you've got this!!  #NavyMomStrong!!!