how to get threw it?

[Kai214]

I'm a new navy wife and I'm struggling with it. Every time I seem to be doing fine I get hit. We have a seven
week old baby and I'm truly blessed for them both. Only him being gone and with our relationship and the baby
Being so new its hard. My friends husband was deported and watching her struggle as strong as she
Is… it broke me. The if hell be ok's etc. Him not being close to me and the baby. Then you have other people telling
me people in the serves always cheat. Which I believe has to be crap… not everyone. And hes a great father
and husband. But I let that get to me anyway. I feel so broken, alone, and lost. I find myself getting jealous at stupid things, angry etc and I know I'm pushing him away. I need to find away quick. And though I know it doesn't all
go away, I just want to find away to make it work..

[FireTeamLeaderWife aka FTLW]

Dear...is your Husband in Boot Camp or already a Sailor?

[Anna Aviation Mom]

Kai, Be strong. I'm new on my journey with the Navy. but can tell you that it is a GREAT choice. . Trust in your husband. anyone can cheat. he needs to know ur ok so when hes in deployed or where ever he goes, he can have a clear level mind so he can come home safe.

[Kai214]

Hes been in Japan for a few weeks now. And thank you, I am trying I guess just not hard enough. The most important thing is he comes home safe. I feel like I'm failing as a wife and friend. I don't know why I let things get to my head

[lemonelephant]

Join the group, Girlfriends, Fiances,and Wives of Sailors. You may also want to join Japan Mom's. Take a deep breath.  Stay busy and stay strong.  You will have moments of doubt; just don't let them become your focus.  You need to focus on your blessings and on keeping things going at home. 

(Underlined words are clickable links.)

[FireTeamLeaderWife aka FTLW]

Don't think you are not trying. This is all new. You need a support system for yourself so you are able to support him. The groups that lemonelephant have suggested may help. I have been a law enforcement/AF reservist wife for 29 years...hubby was deployed twice for 6 months each time.

I don’t know why people think they need to tell us that negative stuff. (They don’t know your husband. They are not married to him.) What…I’m going to sit around all day thinking about what I can prepare myself to do if it happens? Some do…I and my husband are better off if I sit around thinking about how I can prepare for when he comes home…and doing it. How can I keep the “home fires” burning even when he is away? How can I take care of myself and our home for us? I have done it wrong many, times and even now I am still learning and trying to correct mistakes I have made.

It is easy for your mind to play tricks on you. Here is a small thing you can do…anytime a negative thought comes into your head, write it down...then replace it with what you know to be true about your hubby. Then cross out the negative one. You don't have to do this all at once...just as they come to you...I know your mind is whirling and spinning. 7 week old babies don't "do" much (LOL) and even though you have the constant care I know it is filled with large gaps of "empty".

What you are feeling (pushing him away, jealousy anger) is a normal reaction...a defense mechanism...but while it is...you can't stay there as it will create a problem. You're feeling the pain of separation and it is easier sometimes to replace that with anger. Pain makes us feel vulnerable and anger gives a false sense of strength. Believe me...I know I have been there. You are going to have to allow yourself to feel sad sometimes but not dwell there.

I also spent a time thinking up care packages to send to him and searching for cute and loving cards. This may not be in your budget and you can talk to him about that first.

One thing that really helped me the last time he was deployed were a couple of books on Deployment for the spouse. I will friend you and send you the titles okay?

Our son happened to enlist in the Navy and went to Boot Camp in March of last year while hubby was gone and being on this site with "like-minded" folk helped immensely...I did not feel so alone. I also have a great Church Family and some wonderful neighbors next door that are like Family.

[krisnjay]

be strong, and know that God is on your side. remember the happy moments when you are sad and when things are hard, its new territory, but new is not always bad, be encouraged and be positive, he will be home before you know it!

[Kai214]

Thank you all for the help, support and adds. And thank lemonelephant ill look into those. And
a care package is a great idea. Lol I just have to figure out what to put in it now. And I wish I would of came to this site before I tried finding help in a chat room. That pushed me over the edge. I looked at everything wrong. Even his female friends made me think funny. Were not really talking. Just quick sentences. I really upset him. And I think I put a dent in out perfect relationship. I'm really greatful for all the comments, they really helped alot

[Becky]

You are a new mommy with all that goes with that.  I strongly encourage you to listen to all the other advice above and I have one more for you that is empowering.  When anyone, anyone says anything to you about spouses cheating, you look them right straight in the eye and say "How dare you insult me, my spouse and all the other people who serve our country.  Shame on you."  Then walk away.

[sailorwifenmom]

Kai214,

I have been a Sailor, and I'm currently a Navy wife, and most recently I've become a Navy mom.  All told, I've been part of the Navy family since 1990.  My husband and I will have our 20th anniversary this summer.  (And, ironically, we're also stationed in Japan - we're up in Misawa.)

I can tell you with 100% certainty that yes, there are cheaters in the Navy - BUT - there are JUST as many, if not MORE - who do NOT cheat.  You hear about the cheaters, because let's face it, that's what's "juicy" and "gossip worthy".  Just like you never see shows like Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil with this nice, faithful couple who loves each other and has a happy, normal family - because that would be "boring",  you don't hear as much about those Sailors and their families who are the same way, for the same reason.

It is going to be hard, and you are going to miss him, but you CAN do this.  Check out Military One Source, and also Navy Lifelines, there are LOTS and LOTS of tips for helping families get through times like this.  Also, if you're anywhere near a Navy base, I would encourage you to sign up for a COMPASS class.  It's free, they provide lunch, they even pay for child care, and it's a good way to connect with other spouses and to learn about the Navy and how to not just survive as a Navy spouse but to thrive as one.  All the mentors that teach the class are Active Duty Navy spouses, and you have to have been married to your Sailor for so many years, been through at least one PCS, and been through at least one deployment to teach it - so they really do know what you're going through! 

Here's some tips that have helped me over the years to survive separations:

1) Do NOT focus on how much longer you have apart.  It really doesn't matter if he will be home next week, next month, or next year.  You can't take on the deployment or the unaccompanied orders all at once, you can only do it one day at a time (and sometimes only one hour or minute at a time) - so only focus on getting through that day (or hour or minute).  You can do ANYTHING for a day! 

2) I know this sounds like it's a contradiction to number 1, but set "benchmarks" for yourself.  You only have to get through until the 4th of July... You only have to make it to Christmas...  I've known women who get through it by counting trash days (I only have to take the trash out --- more times until he's back..)  Or paydays, or mortgage / rent payments, etc... 

3) Set goals for yourself - take a class, learn a new hobby, work on a promotion, lose baby weight (NOT saying you need to, but that is a common goal I hear wives say).  Challenge yourself to see if you can meet a certain goal before you see him again (so you're playing "beat the clock")

4) Connect with other military spouses.  As well meaning as your family and civilian friends are, honestly, they really aren't going to fully "get" what you're going through, and, again, as much as they love and support you, sometimes it can just make it worse, and make  you feel even more alone and isolated. 

5) This one might seem weird, but it really can help - at least, it's helped me a lot over the years.  When it gets really overwhelming, go take a shower.  Make it as hot as you can stand it, and just stand in there and cry.  Get it all out of your system.  When you start to feel the water getting cold, turn off the tears, turn off the water, and get out of the shower and DO something.  Go to the park, go to the park, go to a movie or dinner with friends, clean out the closet - just DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING.  Just do NOT let yourself sit there and keep crying and dwelling on him not being there. 

[sailorwifenmom]

Oh - something else - you can set this goal for yourself, and I bet this is one that you all will like :-)

Have him talk to his chain of command about getting you a letter authorizing you to fly Space A.  Spouse who are Stateside and have a military member deployed (and I'm pretty sure him being here on unaccompanied orders "counts") can use Space A flights to travel overseas.  Save up money to be able to get yourself to Seattle (and to pay for a week or two's worth of hotels and stuff there, because flying Space A is like flying on "standby" - you may or may not get on the plane, and have to wait for another flight.  There are several flights a week out of Seattle (this is not OPSEC, it is public info shared by the the military) that you can catch for  you and your little one to come visit him here in Japan!  Depending on the type of flight  you get on, it will be free or very (like less than $50) to get here. 

Of course, this will require coordination and some planning, but it could be a good goal for you all to focus on :-)