need lots of help!!!! moving/getting married

[lovemysailor]

ok so i have talked to a couple people on here already about this but i am still very confused. My sailor is in San antonio tx graduating april 12th. he got to pick his orders to NH but nothing is set in stone till he actually gets his orders next week. We are trying to get married in plenty of time to be able to follow him to NH. we were going to do it in his 2 week break between A school and NH but i was informed the navy needs time to process all the marriage papers before i just show up down there. how soon should i get married so i can go with him and who do we need to be talking to to get this done asap. i want to go with him to NH right away and want to live with him. any advise will help i am just so confused!!! am i making a big mess out of nothing?

[sailorwifenmom]

He needs to talk to his Chief about it as soon as possible.  If his orders are cut (meaning issued to him) and you are not married and in the Navy system, they will not change his orders to include you.  Now, if his orders are in the lower 48, not a big deal, you can still go, and he can do the paperwork there to get you added and apply for housing and stuff.  (more inconvenient for his new command  because they are expecting a single Sailor in the barracks, so will have prepared for that, but not impossible....)  You will have to pay for moving yourself - you aren't on his orders they don't move you.

It's more difficult and more expense, but not impossible.  If he already has his verbals, and is just waiting on his hard copy, it might be too late and you will need to do it on your dime / join him in a week or so after he gets there.  That's why its very very very important that he talks to his chain about this and see what they say.

Good luck - and remember, even if you have to meet up with him there later, in the grand course of  lifetime together and as a Navy wife, you can do this!

[lovemysailor]

his class sponser told him to wait till he got his orders and to call them but i am afraid the longer we wait the harder its going to get. i dont mind having to move out there on my own dime as long as he would get to live with me.

 

[sailorwifenmom]

Class sponsor? If you mean his sponsor, that is a Sailor at the command he is going to who will help answer questions for him, help get him checked in when he reports, all that. They won't be able to help you guys until you have hard copy orders. (What he has now are "verbals", meaning he's been told this s where he's going, but the Navy has not released the funds for it or given it the final "ok", where they "cut" or issue, the orders, then known as "hard copy".)

That's who it sounds like you're talking about when you say "his sponsor". I'm talking about him talking to his instructors and chain of command there at the school. He needs to go talk to them and explain that he is wanting to get married soon, and ask them to explain what, exactly, he needs to do to make this as smooth as possible as far as the Navy is concerned.

But if you all just get married and go on to his command, be prepared to have a lot of out of pocket expenses (including paying for a hotel room while you look for a house out in town or wait for them to process you and get you "in the system" so you can get BAH - basic allowance for housing, or get on the housing list.). Also, be aware that while each base is different, it is VERY common to get to a base and the housing is full, so even if they know you are married and are expecting you, you still have to rent a place out in town while you wait for military housing to become available. This could take anywhere from a couple of months to a year or more, depending on where you are.

If you all decide to just get married while he's on leave then sort it out, (or if he's so close to leaving this is what his chain of command tells him), then your best bet is going to have him tell his sponsor once he gets his hard copy that he's getting married while on leave, and go from there. (Since his orders are Stateside and not overseas, you can do this. Overseas, you would be out of luck.)

The Navy is not all like A and C school. He's going to have a lot or freedom and control over his own life when he gets there, so it's not like you will have to "start over" as far as that goes, or that he will have to phase up or anything. You will be able to live with him there. The problem is the timing of the wedding. The Navy does not take into account "going to get married" - you either are, or you're not. Getting married between duty stations or while you're under verbal orders and waiting for a hard copy makes it a bit of a paperwork mess. It's NOT impossible, but you're going to have to be flexible (maybe waiting a few weeks to join him at his new command) while the Navy sorts it out and gets him switched from the "not married" category to the "married" category.

[sailorwifenmom]

And yes, once he gets it squared away at his new command that you are married, you will be able to live together.

[lovemysailor]

o wow so much info... if we get married while he is back home after A school the paper work wouldn't be processed right away correct? so if i am wanting to go with him right away and be together that time either on or off base we need to get married asap?! and yes i ment his instructor.

i am afraid everyone is telling him to wait so they can avoid all the paper work involved. we were going to get married before boot camp but his recruiter told him its easier to wait and do it in A school. now his A school instructor is telling him to wait its easier once you get to you first station.

I just hate being away from him and i want to start our life together as soon as possible....

 

sorry for all the questions and confusion i am just so lost and confused...

[sailorwifenmom]

Well, other than the recruiter, who, unless you all have more than one kid, just didn't want to do the paperwork, they are right. It does get easier - it's much easier to get married at your first command than it is at your A or your C school. It would have been easiest if you were married before boot camp, but...

If his instructors are saying that he needs to do it at his first command, and since he's at the point where he has verbal orders already, then odds are there isn't enough time for you to get everything done that you need to do to meet the requirements for that particular school to get married.

So basically, your choices are going to be one of the following -

1) Get married while he's on leave. If you do this, you then have a couple of other choices -
a) have him let his new command know he got married, then he go on ahead, do all the forms needed, get on the
housing list, get your BAH started, all that, then wait a few weeks while they get the paperwork sorted and
get your housing allowance started, he can start looking for a place, see how long a wait for base housing is,
etc.
b) have him let his new command know you got married, and you go out there with him. Be prepared for
several thousands of dollars of expenses, as you pay to stay in a hotel while you look for a place to live,
then the first and last months rent and security deposits most places require, plus the fees to get utilities on
and all that, while he gets it sorted out with the Navy.

With the first choice, you will still have to pay those expenses, but it will cost you less and you will have more money to work with, because you will have BAH coming in when you get there, and he will have had time to look around and start finding a place for you to live, or get housing, that sort of stuff. They could charge him rent for living in the barracks since he is married, and this could cause a huge paperwork mess for him and the Navy.

or ---

2) You wait until he gets there and gets checked in, as soon as he gets there he tells his command he's getting married, and you fly out to him about a week or two after he gets there and get married. This way, his new command knows its happening and can start getting the paperwork ready. You then fly home and get your stuff together, so as soon as your BAH starts, you go join him.

Or choice 3 ----
I know you want to be with him. I've been married to my Sailor husband for 20 years, I do understand missing them when you are apart, but honestly, if I were you, right now, if I were you, I would either just wait a few more weeks and fly up and get married there at his new command, or I would have him contact his new command while he's on leave and ask them if it would cause too many issues if he were to get married on leave, and if he does, should you join him there later or should he bring you with him, then do what the new command suggests.

Because I know that as much as you want to be with him, you don't want to just show up at his command, surprising them with a marriage, and having him starting out there with his supervisors thinking he's a paperwork mess and going to be one of those pain in the butt junior Sailors. (you CAN do this, which is why I listed it, but I do NOT suggest it.)

I know it sucks and you want to be together now, but I would go with choice 3. Of all the choices, it will be easier on him in the long run.

[sailorwifenmom]

Oh - something VERY important - if he has a clearance, do NOT NOT NOT NOT get married until he gets to his new command and he does the paperwork. There are special things they have to do in those cases, and it can get him in a LOT of trouble if you do!

[lovemysailor]

thanks so much you have helped with some of the stress i am feeling!!! as much as i hate to think about saying goodbye again it sounds like the best option for everyone. again i couldnt thank you enough!!!

 

if anyone still has anything to add to this i am still open for other posibilities :)

[sailorwifenmom]

Glad it helped some! I know goodbyes are hard, but this one is very temporary, and will help you all start out on the right foot.

[Sweet*Southern*Lady]

I would get married ASAP get all the paper work filled out in hopes that you'll get moved with him. Its really expensive to move yourself. We moved me to AZ with my now husband. It cost about 3k. Plus setting up a new house stocking a kitchen that all is crazy expensive.