need lots of help!!!! moving/getting married

[lovemysailor]

ok so i have talked to a couple people on here already about this but i am still very confused. My sailor is in San antonio tx graduating april 12th. he got to pick his orders to NH but nothing is set in stone till he actually gets his orders next week. We are trying to get married in plenty of time to be able to follow him to NH. we were going to do it in his 2 week break between A school and NH but i was informed the navy needs time to process all the marriage papers before i just show up down there. how soon should i get married so i can go with him and who do we need to be talking to to get this done asap. i want to go with him to NH right away and want to live with him. any advise will help i am just so confused!!! am i making a big mess out of nothing?

[lovemysailor]

do you know about how long the paper work will take and if he has to do anything special to be able to get married in a school- i am probably going down there again this weekend and would like to do it then....

[sailorwifenmom]

If he already has his verbals, it's too late for that unfortunately. Now, after he gets to his first command, he can request a shipment from his home of record. Odds are, he will NOT be allowed to go home to do it, and it will NOT be ANYWHERE near the size of a regular (married Sailor sized) shipment. He will also only get one of these in his career, and finally, they will not do it from your house (unless your address is what he listed on his enlistment papers). BUT, if you don't have a ton of stuff (like no major furniture items, you have your clothes, a tv, some pots and pans, that sort of thing), and you get it to whatever address he enlisted from, you can ship some stuff that way and slightly reduce the cost.

He can get more information on his weight limits and restrictions on doing this from the Personal Property Office when he gets to his new command (he can also ask about it where he is now, if he wants...)

But, at this point, rushing to get married will not solve any of the current problems, and it will create a bunch more if he just shows up at his new command, surprising them with a spouse.

[lovemysailor]

ok so dont go down there and get married this weekend? if i wait till he gets down to new hampshire can we get married and move me down there all at once or will it take a bit for the paper work and things like that to get processed. Just trying to travel as little as possible to save money and not take off so much from work. how soon after he gets down there will we be able to get married and be together again?

[sailorwifenmom]

I know you desperately want to be with your Sailor, and that you are more than ready to start your life out together as husband and wife, and that you want to save money.  But --

The bottom line is:

First, under the best circumstances, in most States, you can't just show up and get married, there are a lot of legal things that have to be done first.  It looks like TX will waive the 72 hour wait required to get married there if one of the participants is active duty, but he will not be given time off from class to go get married, and court houses usually aren't open on weekends.  So, you have to arrange for someone to marry you, and most pastors require you to attend some sort of premarital counseling first, and that will take time to set up - longer than a few days usually.

Second, Sailors can't "just get married" at A school.  Most school commands require them to do certain paperwork to prevent things like BAH fraud, or that they are rushing into a marriage, among other things.  (Yes, I know that's not what you and your Sailor are doing, but the Navy doesn't know you, or know tha, nor will the Navy care and make an exception for you.)  It can take a couple of weeks to get permission.  If his command is already telling him that he needs to wait until he's got his hard copy of his orders, or until he gets to his new duty station, then either there isn't time to meet the command's requirements, or they are not going to approve it.  He REALLY needs to go talk to his Chief or his LPO about it.  Assuming you can work out the logistics of who will marry you, you could still decide to just say screw it, and go get married without clearing it with his chain of command, but it can get him in a lot of trouble.  Again, he needs to go talk to his LPO or his Chief - not just his Instructor.  

You can also choose to get married while he's on leave, and just show up with him.  It's going to cost you a lot of money, and his new command is going to be very less than impressed with him.  It will cause them a lot of hassle, above and beyond what is normally involved in someone getting married, and they are going to think he's a pain in the ass sort of Sailor, not a good first impression.  My husband has had this happen to him before, and so have several other Sailors we have known over the years, and not one of them have ever been happy with that new Sailor who shows up with a spouse unexpectedly.  This is not meant meanly, but to be honest, it makes them think they are irresponsible and a "problem child" who has created a huge headache when, with a little patience and forewarning, the headache could have been avoided, and they would have still ended up being with the person they wanted to marry.

You can also wait until he has his hard copy of his orders, at which time he will be given a Sponsor at his new command, and he can call them, TELL the Chain of Command there that he wants to get married, preferably while he's on leave, and ASK THEM how they would prefer he do this - basically giving them the heads up.  They might say ok, bring her (you will still pay out of pocket, but they will at least know to expect him to show up with a wife), or they might say to wait, and have you join him later - but either way, he won't be surprising his new duty station with a wife they weren't expecting.

If you decide to wait to get married until he's at his new command, you can get married pretty quickly.  He's NOT going to have to go through the same sort of Phases and stuff that Sailors have to go through when they're in A school, so it's not like you're going to have to wait so many weeks before he can leave base, or so many weeks before he can wear civilian clothes, or have a later curfew, etc.  So, in theory, he could get there and tell them that you will be joining him in a week or two and you will be getting married.  He could go, get checked into the command, tell them you're getting married, find a place for you to live, you could go up, get married, pay out of pocket for the place for the first bit until the BAH starts (at which time you will be back paid to the date of your wedding), and you will be together.  (You could also look into the Home of Record shipment I mentioned to save at least some money.)

Whichever you choose to do is going to be entirely up to you and your Sailor - it's your lives together, and his career, so you are ultimately the one to have to make the choice.  But, whichever way you do, I STRONGLY STRONGLY STRONGLY encourage him to TALK TO HIS CHAIN OF COMMAND - where he is now, and where he is going.  They are the ONLY ones who can give you 100% accurate advice to you both about what, exactly, will be the best steps for you, with the particular commands you are dealing with, to make this as smooth and easy as possible.

I CAN tell you though, that "just showing up married" at his first duty station is a VERY bad idea, and will NOT be a good start to his career, and it will make a very bad first impression on the people who are going to be his bosses for the next 2-3 years. 

I don't mean any of this to sound harsh or mean, or insensitive to the fact that you want to be together or to save as much money as you can.  I completely get those things, but the thing is, no matter how much EITHER of us might wish it otherwise, this is the reality of the Navy.  I do hope that he's able to talk to his Chain of Command (at either location) and get more solid answers for you, and I do wish you both a long and happy marriage and a successful Navy career, even if you have to wait a few more weeks to start it! 

[lovemysailor]

thanks so much!!! i agree with what you are saying i dont want to put a lot of work on someone and make it harder for him. as hard as it will be not being with him right away i think it would be even harder to have a boss who hates you for 3 years. thank you for all your advise and help in this very stressfull situation. it feels great to get answers from someone who knows for sure than all his friends that think they know it all. It will be better to wait till he is on leave so our family can watch anyway. By the end of this all I will have learned so much about being patient which is one thing I am very bad at!!!

Again thank you so much sorry for all the questions!!! :)

[sailorwifenmom]

No problem - I understand you're anxious and excited to start your married / Navy lives together, and that it can be confusing, and the best way to understand is to ask questions!

I do wish you both the best! Oh, I don't think they have a COMPASS team up where you all are going, but if they add one or you end up at a base (either for his second command or there visiting or whatever), I would encourage you to take a COMPASS class. It's free, free babysitting, and free lunches, and it's a GREAT program for teaching Navy spouses about the Navy as well as awesome tips on making Navy life as a family a LOT easier!