New navy wife needs some advice and input

[Kelli (9/173)]

I am going to be a new navy wife with two kids under 3 and my husband will be leaving for boot camp in march. I am looking for any advice or information from other navy wives. I'm nervous about him being gone and I really am unsure about what to expect please help

[sailorwifenmom]

I just typed a comment to you but I hit "refresh" instead of submitting it :-(

I'll type more on my (not mobile) computer tomorrow, but I just wanted to say you will be able to do this! Talk to you tomorrow!

[lemonelephant]

Join the group, DEP-Leavin for bootcamp in March, to connect with others with loved ones who are leaving that day/week and may be training with your Future Sailor.

Your Future Sailor may want to join http://www.navydep.com to learn the ins and outs from the DEP point of view. Craig runs that and will steer you to some good links on there.

Other groups that will help you are:  Girlfriends, Fiances,and Wives of Sailors and New Members Stop Here.

(Group names and links within this comment are clickable links.  To join a group, click on the group name and after the group page opens, click on "+ Join..." in the upper right.)

[Kelli (9/173)]

Thank you sailorwifenmom looking forward to hearing from you

[sailorwifenmom]

Ok, on my computer now, so it's easier to type :-) 

I'm not going to lie to you, it is going to be hard at first, and there's going to be a lot of adjusting that you all are going to have to go through, going from being a civilian family to being a Navy family.  BUT - it does get easier!  We've been married for 20 years now (we met when we were both in the Navy, and my husband still is in the Navy, as is our son), and I can tell you with 100% certainty that the Navy can be a wonderful life for you all, and a great environment to raise kids in.  Just keep your sense of humor, don't be too hard on yourself (as a lot of military wives joke, cereal for dinner every now and then really is ok!) and be willing to try new things and meet new people, and you will be great!

Here are a couple of tips that will hopefully make it easier for you, things that have helped me and some of my friends over the years...

1) Remember, as frustrating as it can be when you want to hear from them and you aren't (whether it's deployment or boot camp), remember that honestly, "no news is good news".  If there was a problem with your Sailor, the Navy would tell you.  Even if you don't know where he is or how he's doing, they (the Navy) does, and unless and until they (the Navy) tells you otherwise, he's ok.

2) It doesn't matter how long he's going to be gone.  Just take it one day at a time - because really, that's all you CAN do.  You can do and survive ANYTHING for just a day... And sometimes, when you're having a rough day, it's ok to just take it one hour at a time. 

3) It's ok to be sad sometimes, but don't let yourself fall into the pattern of just being sad all the time.  When it gets overwhelming, go take a hot shower.  Make it as hot as you can stand it, and just stand in there and cry - get it all out of your system.  Then, as the water starts to cool down, turn off the water, stop crying, and go DO something.  Go to a movie with a friend, take the kids to the park, go for a walk, clean out a closet, it doesn't matter what you do - just as long as it's not just sitting and being sad - because that's not good for you or for your kids (who will take most of their cues on how to feel about it and how to handle it from you).

4) Please, no matter how young your kids are, use the correct terms for where Daddy is.  PLEASE don't just say "Daddy is at work", instead say "Daddy is at boot camp.  We'll see him when it starts to be summer."  (Keep the exact day a bit vague, because countdowns are great, until something happens that causes a delay in the homecoming or graduation.... then they're horrible...)  The reason I say to use words like "I know you miss Daddy.  I do, too, but he's at A school right now.  But hey - after we see the fireworks (or whatever), then we're going to get to see Daddy again, and then we're going to all get to have a big adventure together!"

The reason I say this is because even if your kids are too young to have a good grasp of time, they do know that they miss him and he's gone.  And, when he comes back, and "Daddy is at work" - even though he's going to be home that night - little ones aren't really clear on if this is an "at work" where he comes home for dinner, or "at work" where they won't see him for months, and it can cause a lot of separation issues for the kids, where using the specific terms does help reduce this.

5) When you get to your first duty station, take the time to get yourself "plugged in" so to speak - call your Ombudsman (a spouse who is trained to be the official link between the command and the families) and make sure that you're on his or her "radar" and they have your contact info.  Check out the Family Readiness Groups (they're just like neighbors - some are good, some are crap).  Take a COMPASS class - I can't stress that one enough!  It's a free class, with free lunch, and free child care, that teaches Navy spouses all sorts of things that make Navy life easier, including a lot of really practical tips on life as a Navy spouse.  It's taught by experienced, specially trained, Navy spouses, so they know what they're talking about :-)  Plus, it can be fun and is a good way to meet other people :-)

6) I don't know if you can contact them while they're in boot camp or not (this program wasn't around when my husband and I went through boot camp and it didn't apply while our son was there) - but check out Military One Source.  They have a LOT of great info and resources (including a free DVD where Elmo's Daddy deploys, helping kids cope with separation from military parents). 

I know this is a LOT of info to throw at you.  I'm not trying to overwhelm you, I just want you to know that there is a lot of help and support out there for you, and that even when it's hard, there are people who care and who are going to be there, willing to help you get through it (even if it's just chatting on the computer!).  You CAN do this, and it does get easier :-)

Feel free to message me whenever you want if you have any questions or just want to talk :-)

[lemonelephant]

sailorwifenmom, that is excellent advice.  Thank you for sharing.

[Kelli (9/173)]

Thank you so much that is all so helpful..really I couldn't ask any better. I will keep you in mind when I have advice..have you ever been stationed overseas? I'm just wondering since there is that chance he could be?

[sailorwifenmom]

Lemonelephant - thank you :-)

Ramseyfan, I'm glad it helped you :-)  We have lived overseas, in fact, we just moved back to the States from Japan.  We've also lived in Newfoundland and on Adak.  While technically not overseas, it did count as overseas duty because it's a very small island in the middle of the Bering Sea, almost at the end of the Aleutian Islands.  (lol - put it this way - if you've ever watched that show Dangerous Catch, you know when they show the radar screen from Dutch Harbor?  Well, we were about 2 feet to the left of your tv screen...)

As much as I was ready to be back home after 3 yrs in Japan, I really do like being stationed overseas, and I would encourage you to go if you ever get the chance.

BUT - and this is a HUGE BUT -- if you get the option, I would REALLY REALLY encourage you all to NOT take overseas orders as your first duty station.  Even if it means a choice between shore duty overseas and a ship Stateside, take the ship!  Because unless he's an E-4 or above, the Navy will NOT let you move overseas with him.  There are a lot of reasons for this, but it all boils down to HE would be sent, on an unaccompanied tour, the average length is 2 years - and you and the kids would still be Stateside.  Once he makes E-4, depending on how long he has left at that overseas duty station or if he was willing to extend there so you all can join him, you may or may not get to join him there.

So, honestly, if it were me, when he does his "dream sheet" at A school, I would put sea duty out of the States, because while yes, he would be gone to sea some of that time, it's still better than gone for 2 yrs straight, plus you get Sea Pay, Family Sep pay when he's gone for more than a month, and you get more time together as a family.  THEN, for your next duty station (after he's made E-4), you can go overseas, where you can ALL get to go and enjoy it :-)

[Kelli (9/173)]

Thank you that's great advice, he will be an e-4 when he is done with a school so it's good to know to wait for oversea duty. I'll let him know.

[sailorwifenmom]

If he's going to be an E-4 when he's finished with school, then it shouldn't be a problem - you all should be able to go with him :-)

Now, there are places where families can't go, no matter what rank the Sailor is, but those aren't all that common and not something to really worry about.  But, as long as he's an E-4, then you all should be ok as far as overseas goes.  The no families allowed thing really only applies to E-3 and below.

What rate is he going to be, if you don't mind me asking?

[Kelli (9/173)]

I'm not to it with the navy terms yet what does rate mean?