So many questions..please help!

[lovemysailor1215]

I joined this website so that I could get information to have some piece of mind while my SR is beginning her journey with the navy. I have kept my personal life pretty private so that I am not judged or kicked out of any groups because I do not want to lose the little piece of mind that I have left. But, lately I have been reading so many different things and I am driving myself crazy. I would like to explain my situation and if anyone can give insight I would appreciate it!

My SR and I were married on March 21st of this year. It is a same sex marriage and we do not receive any benefits (which does not bother us) and my SR is considered single. We raise my 4 year old son together. ( she has been raising him since he was 2) and we are in the middle of a second parent adoption. It was started before the navy and will hopefully be finalized after "A" school. So I am wondering will anything change after the adoption is complete? We were told by her recruiter that our son would be eligible for benefits!? My concern is what happens if she is stationed over seas after "A" school? I'm not considered a spouse but what about her dependent? Any insight on what our future may hold would be great. I was doing so well and now I am having a breakdown as I know we are getting closer to her receiving her orders!

[cinder]

Not sure how the military is dealing with partnerships or marriage but the girlfriend and wives group will probably be able to help since some are not married. I have read that the ones that are not married will move at their own expense to go with their sailor even over seas.

[sailorwifenmom]

Hi,

First, please know that I am NOT judging you, I'm just trying to answer your questions in regards to what the policy is, so that hopefully you can have some answers to your questions and know what to expect.

Yes, if your Sailor is legally listed as a parent to your child, then the child is a dependent.  However, even though the military will now allow homosexuals to serve openly in the military, they will not acknowledge for benefit purposes same sex marriages.  (Lots of reasons for this that can be explained in various news articles and so on.)

As far as overseas goes, that is going to get very tricky.  If your Sailor has legal custody of the child / children, then she will have to have a family care plan, because, officially, she is considered single, and all single parents or dual military parents, regardless of sexual orientation, have to have a family care plan.  She and the kids could live in housing, however, because you are not officially considered a spouse, you would not be allowed to live with them.  (Your best bet in that case would be to live off base and collect BAH.) 

Now - as far as overseas goes... This gets a bit tricky....

For one thing, even if you were a heterosexual couple and were considered legally married by the Navy, if your Sailor got orders to go overseas straight out of A school, the odds are VERY high that you still would not be going with her.  The reason for this is because the VAST majority (like, I can't think of a single one right now that isn't like this) of overseas assignments for Sailors are unaccompanied for ALL Sailors who are E-3 and below.  Even places where the other branches allow Jr military to bring their families.  (For example, we are currently stationed overseas on an Air Force base.  The AF allows their E3 and below to bring their families, with no restrictions on family size.  The Navy says you have to be an E4 or above to bring your families, and there are restrictions on family size - any more than 3 dep. coming over with you - you can have more here - requires a waiver.)

So, unless your Sailor is in a rate that has an automatic promotion to E-4 upon graduation from their schools (and some do), then none of you would be going overseas with her, and your sexual orientation would be beside the point.

Now, AFTER your Sailor is an E4, then, the way that works is if your Sailor has legal custody of the child/ren, then they could be put on her orders, and, assuming they passed an overseas screening (every dependent going overseas has to, and each base has different requirements, based on what facilities are available for them there), they would be able to go with her.  You would not, because you are not officially seen as a spouse.  Now, this can be worked around a bit, depending on where they are going.  They can go under orders, with SOFA status, and you could go over (on your own dime, but your stuff packed out with the family on the Navy's dime) on a tourist or visitor Visa.  Some places, this will be easier than others.  Some overseas bases, you can live off base and collect OHA, but other overseas bases have a "base first" policy, and your Sailor will have to live on base with the kids (again, unfortunately, you are not considered a dependent, so you would not be able to).

Living overseas without command sponsorship (which is what you would have to do) can be very difficult and present a bunch of challenges, things like health care, using base resources, housing, and things like if there's a natural disaster (like what happened here in Japan last year), all of those things present a challenge, and each base will have to be looked at and considered as it comes up.

For now, I would strongly encourage your Sailor to try for Stateside orders (whether ship or shore), and deal with the overseas orders later.  But, again, that would be my advice to any new Sailor with a family, whether they were homosexual or not, simply because of the E4 / family thing.

Good luck to both of you, and your family!

[lovemysailor1215]

Thank you so much for the thought you put into your answer. It helps a lot! Her recruiter told her that she would most likely end up in one of four places. Japan being one and the other three are in the US. I am hoping that it works out in our favor but as we all know, the military is unpredictable!  I think I am just going a little nuts because I know that sometime by the end of summer we will get those orders and everything will change! But thank you so much. I know I can do this. I am a navy wife and I am strong. I just have a lot to get used to!

[sailorwifenmom]

:-)  I'm glad it helped answer your questions.  It sounds like there's a good chance your Sailor will get Stateside orders, so that's a good thing for you all. 

Just hang in there, like you said, you are a Navy wife, you are strong, and you can do this!  And  before you know it, you're going to be a pro at it! 

[Anti M]

With a child, the partner who is the caretaker CAN live in military housing.   Live in aids are permitted, and that's how the unrecognized spouse can live in housing.  It is a loophole, but can be used to your advantage.

http://spousebuzz.com/blog/2011/03/gay-couples-with-kids-can-get-ho...

[sailorwifenmom]

That is really good to know!  They haven't been allowing that here, most of the homosexual couples here though don't have kids so they live off base (since the single military can, even though the families can't).

Learn something new every day, and plus, even better news for Lovemysailor :-)

[sailorwifenmom]

Still though, I would advise you and your Sailor, if you can, to not go overseas for your first duty station, especially to Japan, because of the E4 as the minimum rank you can be to bring dependents with you issue. 

I'm glad to hear that there's a loophole though, where your family can stay together :-)

[Anti M]

Shoot for a big stateside base!  Japan would be difficult indeed.  I was in Yokosuka for 12 years, part of that as a dependent.  

There's ways around the regulations, as long as you know what the regulations are.  For example, the you can't use the commissary, but the child will have commissary privileges, which means you can take him on base and do the shopping as his caregiver.  I know this because my husband had an ex-wife and a child.  Perhaps a divorced parents group exists?  They'd have some info for sure.  

[lovemysailor1215]

Thank you very much for the information. I am going to keep my fingers crossed that we stay stateside, and can find a nice place off base, but close to base! I guess I will know soon enough!

[StevesMom (Ship 12 Div 351)]

I have no advice for you. I just wanted to lend my support!!! Good luck to you and your family!