Advice on deciding to move with your sailor & on working towards marriage in the military lifestyle!

[JennJ1220]

Hi everyone! So my sailor and I met about 9 months ago. Our sisters are best friends and met at flight attendant school. We all went on a vacation last March, where he and I met, and we hit it off. I had just found out (the day I met him) I was moving to Chicago for my Master's degree and he had just found out he was going to Great Lakes for bootcamp and A school. The stars seemed to be perfectly aligned for our situation so we went for it. We lived in different states at the time and, with our sisters being flight attendants, were able to fly back and forth over the next 3 months before he left for bootcamp. We made an official commitment to each other before he left in June and now we've spent the last few months spending time together in Chicago. 

He gets his orders next week (we don't know where to yet but he is stationed in the US) and then he leaves Chicago in January. I have to be in Chicago until at least August. After that, I have a year off before starting my PhD. Unfortunately, I won't know where I will be doing my PhD as of yet. So there is A LOT of uncertainty in both our cases right now. We could end up spending the next 3 years long distance. We are committed to making it work but I am hoping for some advice on the best ways to do that!

I know a lot of spouses move wherever their sailor goes but I also am on a career path where I have no idea where I could end up located as well. I've considered moving to where he is stationed in my year off but if he ends up spending most of that time at sea I'm afraid it might not be worth it. Yet, it might be good to have the opportunity to see how we live together (that's how you really get know someone!) and that year might be the only chance.

I was wondering if anyone else has had an experience where they were unable to be with their sailor where they were stationed, or during their whole enlistment at all, and how you made it work? What were the pros and/or cons of your situation? Or if anyone thinks it would be worth it to move in my year off of school? Or will sailors spend so much time at sea it generally isn't worth it? If I didn't move, when they are at their station can you visit frequently? Or does that get complicated? I know we aren't married so if I move it would be on my own dime...which leads me to my next set of questions (lol).

Being with someone in the military it's almost impossible to avoid discussions about marriage. We are both 25 so older in military standards. We want to see how we manage our relationship through the upcoming obstacles and a deployment before that kind of a step. But it's simply going to make more sense to eventually be married going through this together and we both already are on board for that down the line. My only concern is if we end up long distance for this whole time, without having had an opportunity to be together in the daily normal way before he enlisted and during his enlistment, we aren't going to be able to hit those milestones a couple generally makes before moving towards marriage. 

So I guess my question is, since those in the military life don't have the luxuries normal couples do, does anyone have any advice, or maybe their own experience, on how to work around not being able to hit those milestones and still be sure marriage is the right step? For example, I know the Navy offers premarital counseling? Has anyone used this service and found it helpful? Or have you found not hitting those milestones made no difference at all?

I apologize for the array of questions and long post! I really appreciate the advice anyone is able to offer! I know how helpful reading through others posts over the past few months have been for learning about the military lifestyle!

[Paige]

My Husband & I have been married for three years, he's been in the military for almost a year, we have been apart for almost 3 months due to underways, but marriage is what you make it, & my Husband & I don't allow the military lifestyle to determine your marriage destiny. Communication is the key, & as long as you & your spouse are communicating everyday via phone, text, & or video chat, it can be very helpful in a marriage, based on my experience. I hope this was helpful & Congrats on your success!

[Michael]

Paige that's awful long for underways my husband longest time out was 2 weeks at best

[Anti M]

Some people use underway to describe any time a ship is away from the homeport; I know spouses who call deployments "underways".  And yes, three months is entirely possible, and we all know the big deployments can be six to ten months.  She also may have been adding up all the shorter periods.  Online communication can be so imprecise, yes?

[Michael]

Wow that's a long story. Well I will tell you this first you are not married so when he gets his orders you will not be on them you have to be married to go with him. He will live in the barracks as they will not pay for his housing off base because he's single. There is a really good chance he will be sent overseas Japan Korea someplace like that so it will be a very long distance because it's usually for minimum 2 years there. I gave up my $70k a year job so my husband 32 years of age could live his dreams in the navy he's old I'm older but who cares he takes care of himself and he has beaten 90% of all the younger sailors in the fitness test again. If your in love then I say get married the navy takes care of families but you have to know what is more important your schooling and career or your relationship. I supported my husband in medical school while I worked now he supports me with a huge pay cut but we are good with money. Only you and him know what's best. You both need to soul search because if he gets stationed overseas and your not married there is a chance he could be gone for 2-4 years. Think about it it's something you really have to have a heart to heart with each other. No matter where he goes he will have to live in the barracks it's the rules unless he get permission to live off base which happens in 1% as none of my sailors friends have been granted to live off base yet. Good luck on whatever you do

[JennyB]

I would love to ask a question. being in a similar situation. If you ARE married...does the military pay for housing off-base?

I am new to this Navy thing. My sailor and I have known each other for 11 years but the romance part of the relationship is new. Considering my options for the future <3

[Anti M]

The milestones are for couples who are together in one place.  The Navy makes you create your own milestones.  The military does offer classes and counseling prior to marriage.  It may be helpful as it brings up topics couples often skim over.  

When my husband and I married, both of us were freshly divorced and unsure of a new relationship.  We were living in the barracks, and all the normal couple stuff was completely out the window.  He left after a few months, proposed long distance on a call heard by everyone on the workshop, and when we finally got to take leave at the same time, we married in Vegas because we didn't know when we'd see each other again.  We saw each other a grand total of 28 days in two years.  This marriage defied all the odds and usual advice.  Next February will be 30 years together.  Sometimes you have to trust and take that leap into the unknown.

Finishing your education is a good goal.  Moving to where he is will depend on the situation.  If he is stationed overseas, then no, although a long visit or two will be in order.  If he is homeported in the US, heartily yes.  He will be in the barracks and need to pay out of pocket for an apartment if he is not married.  That is where the real pressure comes in, the housing allowance and other benefits are very enticing and weigh the scales in favor of matrimony.  But it can be done, and generally I am in favor of trying to live together first.  I'd never have married my first husband if we'd had the chance to live together a few weeks (sounds awful, but it is a long story).

To me, moving to where he is homeported is important, even if he is at sea for a good part of it.  It means he has a place to come home to, you on the pier and the reunion is in your home, not a hotel room.  It gives a sense of stability, a feeling that they are not the only one making the sacrifices.  It is a very personal decision, and needs a lot of discussion.

[JennJ1220]

Wow! Thank you so much everyone for your replies. They were really helpful. We just found out he will be stationed in Washington. So that's good news to me! It means at least while I finish this year of school we are a few hour flight away. We plan to get through this next year and a first deployment. 

If all goes well, after reading some of these responses, I would consider taking two years off before my PhD to be with him for a majority of his enlistment. That decision would then merit a move towards marriage. I really don't want to have reunions in a hotel room!

Thank you all so much again!

[JennyB]

Wonderful news!

[NavyfamilyFL]

I think it's best to just take it one. step. at. a. time.  The military has a way of forcing people to opt for marriage sooner than later, and I personally believe that's why the divorce rate is so high.  People get afraid they won't be able to see each other, that their legal standing will be affected, etc.  There are financial benefits to getting married and there are big challenges for couples who aren't.  With that said, you can make it work if you are both focused on your career advancement.  Encourage each other to succeed and get to the next step.  You'll be SO much better off if you can figure out your path BEFORE tying the knot.  

Again, one step at a time.  Don't sacrifice your future for uncertainty--not knowing where you'll be, etc.  Your relationship will be better off in the end.  Good luck to you!