I seriously need help. This discussion is taking a toll in our relationship :(

[NavyGF]

I have been struggling with this internally and to be honest, it's so frustrating that I need to get it off my chest. If anyone would reply or give me some advice, I would be grateful.

A bit of a background about my boyfriend (E3 currently at Camp Pendleton) and I.. We've been for 2 years now and for that whole of 24 months we have just been physically together by exactly 3 weeks. How is that possible? Well, we were university classmates (weren't close at that time). Then when we became official, he moved to US. Last year February, I visited him in LA for 2 weeks and that's pretty much that. Everything else is thru online means. Btw, I'm 23 he's 21. I've finished my degree already and and have a full time work.

I don't know if I even have the right thinking but now that he's been enlisted, I feel like the opportunity of finally being together opens up (aka marriage). To be honest, long distance is very difficult especially for us as we don't even have the foundation of being physically together to begin with. Fixing a fight is hard as it always requires talking and explaining.. unlike being together wherein when you have fights you can just sit there in comfortable silence and let actions such as hugging or kissing do the work, or at least sweeten the work. 

Why am I in such a hurry to be with him? I need to be with him after being apart for soooo long. Okay. I live in the UK with my mom whom I am not close with. I have been estranged from her since childhood due to certain reasons (wouldn't want to dwell into that). Oh, and I just moved to UK last June 2016 so that means I have literally no friends. AT ALL. Most of my colleagues have families so we don't really bond outside. My mom and I are just tenants so yeah, actions are pretty much limited in the house. Sure, many advised me to go out and have fun, meet new people. But that's usually easier said than doneespecially for introverts (Oh that's me!). What makes it harder is I came from a different culture (asian) so I'm still adjusting to western culture. 

Going back to the problem at hand, he wants to get married after 2 more years. And I don't think I can wait that long. It's not that I don't love him enough. It's just that I am unsure of the things I might do to deal with the loneliness I'm feeling. I just feel frustrated because there is a way for us to be together, but we're not taking the opportunity. I've been telling this to him, I'm being open with what I feel and what I think must be done to handle this but we have different view regarding this matter. To be frank, I am not happy with our situation anymore (which as I said, could be because I think there's a way to be together but not grabbing it). 

I understand his reasons.. we need to be financially stable first. He needs a car, we need a house (apartment to rent) and I need to find job in US too. So basically what's holding him off is money. Okay, I don't have a lot but I can shell out 10k pounds on my savings. Money sure is important in making this decision to get married but I think it's something that we can work out together. To be really honest, I really don't think I can do this long distance relationship anymore. But I love him so much I don't think I can leave him. But yeah, I am not happy anymore. Not sure if all this make sense. I've been told to just respect his decision, but again, the possibility of losing the intimacy and waning off of love and eventually losing myself is probable (which I think is happening already.). Oh and he said to me last night.. "Of course I want us to be together.. but you saying all this and that you think you can't do LDR anymore is discouraging." which I know is true. But I need him to know what I'm truly feeling, right? 

So you see, the things he's been preparing to get ready could go into waste because I might not be there anymore. Who knows what would happen in two years time? Two more years of long distance relationship.. I can endure but I don't think I will be happy, and consequently, he won't be too.

If you are with my decision, how do you think I could convince him? If otherwise, please feel free to knock sense into me. :) Thank you! 

[NavyGF]

Thank you, Barney. I got your point, but I don't think I can truly afford to focus on my career knowing full well that my life will be in US soon. I want to kick start my ability by studying further to be competent enough but being continents apart, I find that most qualifications here in UK is not recognised in US. So that's a waste. Work visa wise, that would be complicated as looking for a company that would sponsor me would be difficult. Fiance visa is a lot easier. But yeah, maybe I have to understand his reasons. But surely proposing isn't difficult, right? Oh, I don't know. I sound pathetic.

[Michael]

Navy Gf it's BS he can get a fiancé visa and bring you over that's how I got my husband here from Canada

[NavyGF]

Yeah, maybe, I guess. I believe there's a lot of support group where he could seek guidance. There's a lot of ways if he really want to, isn't it? But really, now that I'm the one pressuring him about marriage and being together, I'm not sure if it's still worth it. I mean, come on, I'm the lady here. Hahaha. 

[Blisshay]

NavyGF, Honey I pray you can move on. He really doesn't Love you if you have to bring up marriage!!! 2 years is just too long to expect you to wait on a "Maybe!" Don't get me wrong it is a difficult life but can be a good one. I'm here with my daughter and my son-in-love is on a ship here in San Diego. There are tons of places to help you guys adjust. You may consider that there is already someone else. They were separated for 6 mos due to Bootcamp and A school. During that time he was dating someone else that he met in A school, while telling his WIFE the same things I'm hearing from you. It wasn't until my daughter took it upon herself to move here that she found out!!!! She came here and got all the things he said he couldn't. They are working it out now but it was horrible at first. The Military takes care of their own and if he's E-3 he can afford more than he's leading you to believe. Ask the Scary questions and decide if you think he's lying. I pray that's not your case and he's just scared.

[NavyGF]

Hi Blisshay, that was such a brave move for your daughter! And I admire her for forgiving her now husband after doing that in A school!

As for my boyfriend, I do not think and feel he has somebody else though. He calls me as soon as he wakes up, we chat during his break, calls me again after work. And just to make sure.. I just checked his bank statements to see if he's having any dates or something.. none at all. Yeah, he gave me access to his bank accounts even credit lines. 

I'd like to believe that he maybe just needs time to adjust to his new environment. More so that despite being a navy, his very first order was in a Marine base. 

Thank you for the prayer. :)

[RJnukegirlfriend]

My boyfriend, who is a Sailor, and I have also been dating for 2 years. Although I can't relate to you much regarding LDR, I can relate to you regarding me wanting to get married and him not wanting to. Prior to him enlisting, we saw each other almost daily. We even lived together for 5 months before he left for boot camp. I wanted to get married before he left for a couple reasons 1) I hear it is easier to process if you get married before joining the Navy. I have heard horror stories about processing disasters while in the Navy such as paperwork taking forever to get to you and short leave times = no honeymoon or no real reception etc. 2) So that in the case of me wanting to move down with him during A school, I could and the Navy could help with that financially. Ultimately we did not get married, we survived boot camp, and we are taking A school one step at a time.

Of course at the time (before boot camp) I was feeling similar emotions as you. I was confused and frustrated about why my boyfriend wouldn't marry me since we loved each other very much and were obviously super committed to one another. Looking back and taking in what I know now, I can see very clearly that timing just wasn't right. He didn't want to rush it, he wanted to do it right and allow us to get married when we could have the timing we needed. Think about a honeymoon, think about the time just spent together after being married, think about a regular week with him coming home to you. My boyfriend knew he wasn't going to be able to give me that and that's why he decided to wait.

It sounds like your boyfriend just wants to wait until the timing seems right with your relationship as well. Especially with you being in a different country, it can be overwhelming to make such a life changing decision when so much seems uncertain. I think a good next step would be you moving closer to him if possible. Keep supporting him in every way that you can and just trust that everything happens for a reason. The time will come if you guys are meant to be married and meant to be together.

I stopped bringing up marriage to my boyfriend because I realized that it was stressing him out a lot before he left. He knew that I wanted it so badly and he felt terrible that he couldn't give it to me. I bring it up jokingly here and there now but I understand that he is still committed to me and that one day, we'll get there. We aren't engaged but we do talk about the future frequently. I remind him all the time that I am in it for the long haul, no military girlfriend would be if she didn't plan on being a military wife one day :)

I'm sorry this reply was terribly long. I hope this makes you feel better knowing that yes, other gfs do feel this way too. Don't beat yourself up about feeling like this, it's only normal to want a commitment and to be with someone you love dearly.

[NavyGF]

Hi, thank you for sharing your story! I agree, no matter the reason, they weren't just ready yet. My boyfriend said he just wants me to become happy and it seems he isn't able to do so. That's why I become upfront with what I want although it is a bit embarrassing to mention engagement and marriage and being together. (Which I think is what you mentioned to him as well). I told him (not sure if you'd agree with this but..) this:

 "I think it is never about being ready. It's about taking the plunge with determination that we will work out. No, we won't hope that we will work out, because we know for a fact that we will work out. We have to work for it, put an effort, be selfless, invest a lot of understanding and patience." I don't know, we won't be truly together as long as he's in the service, that's why I don't want to waste any time. I feel like I have to grab every opportunity especially that we don't have that before in the first place.

You guys are still lucky as you were able to live together and be together. I have always dreamed about that happening to us. :) I am not really sure but I think he agreed to proceed with the engagement and marriage sooner than 2 years. I just hope so! But what worries me is that maybe he'd only do this just because I said so. I guess I can't take back what I said, just have to put tons of effort for this decision to be "worth it". I am really sorry as I feel like I am being selfish about all this. But what can I do? I guess being upfront works.  

It feels incredibly good to let this out of our chest, doesn't it? Thank you! Please keep in touch and update if possible :) It's nice to have a military gf as a friend too :)))