Heartbroken Ex Navy Girlfriend

[xoxojr]

Hello. Thanks for reading! My boyfriend broke up with me a little over 10 days ago. He is currently a Navy Nuke stationed in San Diego. He has been in San Diego since Mid-October. We were together for almost 3.5 years during which he was a civilian, went to boot camp, completed A-School, Power School and Prototype.

We are both from New York and I have been in NY the entire time that he has been in the Navy. We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the years just like any other long distance military couple could have. I am very easy going and independent enough that I can stand a long distance relationship and same thing goes for my ex-boyfriend. 

When he was in boot camp he would often write in his letters that he wanted me to move to Charleston when he graduated boot camp because he believed it was the next step in our relationship. We had been together a little over a year when he graduated boot camp. I graduated college in 2010 and he went to boot camp in 2011. I began working full-time in 2010. I did not want to give up my career and move to SC because I knew I would have to find an apartment, pay rent and find a new job. I also knew that his schooling would be difficult and would require that he put in long hours. I gave him my reasons for not wanting to move down there and I never did. When he found out that he was going to be stationed in San Diego the first thing he asked me was if I was going to move there to live with him. I said of course as we are both 25 years old and we've been together a little over 3 years. He would bring up me moving to CA a lot (in a good way). We would talk about the future and friends and family would ask when we were getting married. He never really answered that question when people would ask but would try to throw them off track by saying something like "it's up to her." A few weeks before he drove cross-country to San Diego we had a serious talk about the future and how he thought it would be best to live together before getting married. I wasn't too happy with the idea of that but I love him and if that's what made him happy then so be it. I remember a day or two after we had that conversation about us living together before marriage I told him that I was afraid that we would co-habitate and he would get comfortable with me living there and he wouldn't propose. He said that he wasn't going to do that to me. During the month of October we talked about him re-enlisting and making E-5 which would mean that he would begin receiving BAH. He even told me at one point that he would give me his credit card information so that if he did re-enlist and make E-5 that I could begin looking for apartments for us. He always told me he loved me when he got off the phone with me and despite the time difference between CA and NY things were working out just fine.

The day after Veterans Day I called him and he didn't answer. He called me back about 30 minutes later and he sounded very strange. I asked him if something was wrong and he said "I want to break up." The way he said it however was so unlike him because he said it with no emotion as if he was a heartless creature. I thought he was joking and he said no. I reminded him how long we've been together and he said I know. Then he went on to tell me that lately (not sure the time frame of that) he has been feeling forced to respond when I called or texted him. When I called or texted him though his responses were pretty normal so he did a good job of covering up the fact that he didn't want to talk to me. Secondly he told me that he didn't appreciate anything I do for him. I defended that and told him that I do a lot for him and his response was, "That's exactly it. You do so much for me and everything you do is phenomenal but I just don't appreciate it." I asked him if he met someone else and he said no. He then started to carry on about something that annoyed him about me and I got annoyed so I told him to never speak to me again (I said this out of anger) and I hung up on him. I have yet to hear from him. Him breaking up with me was so out of the blue and as I talk to more and more people about the break-up the words they use to describe how they feel about finding out that we are broken up are shocked, surprised, speechless and blind-sided.

I still don't know why he even broke up with me. As I've talked to my friends, our mutual friends and his relatives ( I was very close with his family) I've been getting the same general idea. A few people (friends/relatives) who don't even know or talk to each other have said that he at one point or another told them he didn't want a future with me. After all these talks of the future and him telling people I would move to CA soon and that he would propose after we had been living together I feel like our relationship was just one big fat lie. I was always faithful, loyal, understanding, caring, loving and gave him 100%. He's also not one to tell people what they want to hear. If he truly did not want a future with me and people asked about our future he would have said I don't know or we'll see. I feel like he had been fighting a battle within himself about not wanting a future and still wanting to be with me at the same time. I want answers from him on why he did this. I think that's the least he could give me. 

I posted on here because I was hoping someone had a similar experience that they could share and let me know what ended up happening. I have been keeping busy as much as I can but I work Monday-Friday from 9 a.m.- 6 p.m. and of course I need down time on weekends to cook and do laundry and when I have downtime on weekends is when this hits me the hardest. I have a lot of girlfriends nearby and I have been spending time with them and going out and having fun but I need a break from that right now.

Thanks for your help!

[Askance]

So, I noticed no one commented on this. I am married and obviously never really had this exact experience. I did date a sailor prior to my husband and we had a roller coaster of emotions before we broke up during his deployment. Basically, he was just really controlling, which is obviously not the situation here.

I definitely agree that it's a blind-side, that's for sure. The only thing I can think of other than him possibly meeting someone else is that maybe the workload is too much for him right now. Perhaps he was getting ready to leave for an underway or deployment. Perhaps on the ship he wasn't doing so well in his qualifications, so he just felt he needed to release his anger and frustrations out on you and your relationship together? As I am sure you may know, the Nuke program is pretty intense. It's definitely odd that he just up and broke up with you rather than explaining the situation and trying to work through it. Possibly even going on a break if he just felt THAT hindered by your relationship. I honestly don't know what to suggest other than to maybe let things cool off for awhile and work on contacting him to maybe just try and get some closure. It seems like because it was such a sudden thing that maybe some different things that needed to be said didn't exactly get expressed.

I hope you two can find closure or maybe figure out how you two can work things out. It would be a shame to see a 3+ year relationship just go down the tubes over some cooked up idea that he didn't appreciate you or want to be with you anymore.

The best of luck in all of your endeavors!

[BunkerQB]

I have two son. My husband and I have always stress to our sons that they should always appreciate their girlfriend or wife because a woman typically invest a great deal more emotionally in a relationship than a guy. And they are breaking up with a girl to be gentle and a gentlemen. But don't string her along to begin with.

You sound like you have a lot to offer. Put this chapter behind you. Askance has brought up many good points. This may be more about HIM than YOU (as a couple). He is having a hard time. He is not ready. He is concerned about bringing you out to CA and you might hate it. He might have met someone and wants to see where that takes him. There'll be someone else out there for you. He obviously is not love of your life. Have faith. Keep doing things for yourself that improves you - school, something fun and different than anything you have ever done. NYC is fantastic - so much to do. Keep an open mind. Meet new friends. Start a new life. Don't look back. 

[TriceB]

This happened to me too! On thanksgiving...so a few days after your situation. My boyfriend just broke up with me...emotionless! I'm still confused. I have no closure, although we still have conversations w/o pet names as if nothing happened! He told me that he's certain by his decision and there's no chance of us getting back together. I was totally blindsided. He also told me to stop talking to him so it'll make it easier to get over me. However, 2 weeks later, we're now have regular conversations. This is crazy! He's currently in Nuke school btw...just started at the beginning of October.

[BunkerQB]

Askance & TriceB,

My son was a nuke officer on a sub. Getting thru the nuke program is difficult and demanding. They can't afford distractions. In the Nuke Moms group, I posted a discussion on Surviving thru Nuke School. Here is the link.
http://navyformoms.com/group/nukemoms/forum/topics/surviving-nuke-s...

Note number 9.
"9. Eliminate psychological distractions - particularly family/girl friend issues."

It may be that they are feeling a great deal of stress (not necessarily your fault) - just a "normal" relationship may be more than they can handle. Now, why don't they just come out and say it?  Well, being a mother of two sons has given me some insight into the reluctance of young men in confronting their feelings. They see this confrontation as another stress point. Which of course creates anxiety for you because you are left scratching your head wondering, "What in the world did I do?"  My recommendation is for you to step back and give them a little space. Let them get pass this difficult period and see what develops. My son joined the Navy right out of college. His girlfriend was none too happy. They broke up. She dated others, he dated others. Three years down the road, they hooked up again. One year before his commitment was up, my son made the decision not to reup - combination of wanting to move on to another phase in his life and wanting to have a more stable home life (for her sake). Push comes to shove, she probably would have married him anyway if he had decided to stay in the Navy because they discovered they had something special. Today, son & DIL are very, very happily married.
Is there a chance your sailors will meet someone else? Always. But trust your feelings. Stepping back right now does not mean the relationship is broken forever. You can continue to send them cheery letter, emails, cards - but keep it light and no questions as to when you are going "talk" and "resolve things" - that will scare them off.  This is just my observation. Good luck ladies and please work on doing something for yourselves. Yes, Nukes are smart and will probably have wonderful career opportunities. It's natural for a young woman (in the marriageable age range) to want security and a good future (you would have to be stupid or insane not to). I just don't want you gals to neglect yourselves.
Best regards, BQB.

[Concernedad]

Seems like this type of story happens the most with Nuke trainees. I wonder if struggling sailors are told they need to eliminate all other distractions or else the stress just gets to them and they realize for themselves they need total focus?

My suggestion would be to wait until they get through Nuke School, then try talking to them again. I realize your life is going along as normal so you can't understand why theirs isn't, but if you care enough about them to ask advice, you may care enough about them to wait. 

And if your choice is to move on, no one can blame you.

Just my opinion.

[xoxojr]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. Since I originally posted this I've had a lot of time to sit with my thoughts. One thing I've seen already is that I'm better off without him. It sounds cruel but it's the truth. I'm 25 years old and I have enjoyed my life the most after this break up and I am so happy, happier than I ever thought possible!

Things were going fine and dandy with me until today when I saw on Facebook that he was home for New Years and that he surprised his Mom. It's nice that he would surprise her but the surprise I got was that he brought a girl home with him. This girl is not in the Navy but he became Facebook friends with her a few days before breaking up with me. When he broke up with me I had asked him if he met someone else and he said no. What I saw on Facebook proves otherwise. It's a terrible thing to lie to someone you had history with. Nowadays the internet doesn't leave much room for anything to be a secret.

Askance you were right about him meeting someone else. I didn't want to think that was the case but it seems to be. I haven't heard from him since he ended things but when you're dating someone new there is no reason to keep in touch with your ex. He won't deploy until the Summer of 2014 and he has already been on a few under ways. Thanks for your kind words!

BunkerQB in the past couple of weeks I'm glad I realized he wasn't the one for me. It's better that I found that out last month instead of after moving to California!

TriceB I'm sorry that your boyfriend did that to you. All three parts of a Nuke training are stressful for the sailors and if you're far from him that probably strains things a bit as well. It's hard when someone you love just leaves out of the blue! I don't know how old you are but I was 23 when my ex joined the Navy but the one thing I always made sure to do was keep busy and spend time with my friends. When he left for boot camp I learned to be very independent but I still maintained all of my friendships and I had hobbies to fill up my free time. When my ex broke up with me it felt like my world fell apart for a few weeks after but sometimes it's better to be heartbroken now and eventually get over them than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same things as you. It sounds like your ex is giving you a lot of mixed signals. If I were you I'd try my best to move on but you need to do what feels right. If waiting for him to get everything together in hopes that he will want you one day again is what feels right then that's ok. If you ever want to talk you can message me on here.

Concernedad thanks for your response. I know my ex sailor never struggled with finding a balance between school and me but entering the fleet has been an adjustment for him.

[lizzzzy12]

I found this forum today because my boyfriend who is in the Navy broke up with me because "he needs to find himself". We been dating for 5 years and he has been deployed to Japan for the full 3 year contract. I haven't seen him since because of the whole COVID situation. All I can say it hurts a lot and its confusing... I know the Navy isn't what is meant out to look like because of everything he's told me. 

It's just sad because as much as I was there for him, I was loosing myself and now its time to live life because I'm only 25 years old. Things happen for a reason. 

[B'sNukeMoM⚓️MMN(Vet)]

lizzzzy12 - oh girl, I'm sorry you are going through this - and having to deal with it long distance no less - ugh  :(  I could say all the usual things: you are young, it's for the best, you'll find someone better who cares and loves you more.....but I know it still hurts.  Take time to grieve the loss of the relationship and then focus on you and your happiness.  There is someone out there who will love you and can be there for you.  They will find you.  Hang in there girl.

[B'sNukeMoM⚓️MMN(Vet)]

Oh and just so you know, this is a very old post so you might not get many responses.

[Suzanne]

Many young men need to find themselves. If you aren't their true north star then you have your own opportunities to find YOUR own true man. Let him go......he will either return or (if not) you WILL find your true Hero. He wasn't it.....he was your training.

[Suzanne]

Japan's also filled with "hooker hill and yall don't need that