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Son ignores phone calls/letters from home....
My son started school in October and we didn't hear anything from him until he came home for Christmas. I made him "pinky swear" that he would stay in closer contact. While I know school is demanding and keeping him busy, could it really keep him so busy that he wouldn't call home for my birthday? I knew I would get a phone call on Mother's Day, but so far haven't heard a word.
Is this normal behavior? He hasn't contacted anyone from home. I've checked the cell phone records and he's only called Papa John's (no relative!!!) I'm planning a trip to Goose Creek around the first of June to try to find his carcass. I've gone from being upset to just plain old mad! If he's this bad about communicating, what's it going to be like later?
p.s. This isn't the first time he's been away from home. When he went out of state to college, he was better about staying in touch. Of course, those phone calls were necessary if he wanted to keep the $$ in his school account.
What should I do? What would you do or what have you done to reach your sailor? I had written a letter to the Commanding Officer a month ago, but didn't receive an answer from him either. I am grateful that we haven't had a real emergency or death in the family or this would have really driven me off the deep end.
Also, what do you tell people when they ask how's he doing? I've had a great family friend send him cookies a couple of times and she's never heard if he's even eaten them. My last package was returned as he wouldn't/couldn't get to the Post Office to pick it up.
Help!!
Becci
Views: 630
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Laura on
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Becci: This is the hard part, sometimes the hardest part, especially when they don't or can't call. He may be acclimating and adjusting to his new life. Classes are waaaay different and harder than outside college. Just keep loving your son and sending the stuff. Sometimes the mail isn't dependent upon them going to get it, but someone else picking it up and distributing it withing the allotted time. This is NOT like the outside world that you and I live in. Give him room. Most of all, love him, and trust him to find his way home and call when he can. He's growing into a fine young man and what we do as families and how we react affects them positively and adversely. It may not make sense, but the military life is much different from the outside/civilian life. Have you read the archives on here for info about school and what they go through. check it out and it may help you a little bit. Letting go isn't easy. Allowing them to grow up and be separate can be hard, but it is what we're supposed to do as parents. Talk to your doctor for your sake to get some help on your end for dealing with all of this. Have a great day! It will get better. (Maybe he's preparing you for deployment -- that's little to no contact.) Stay strong -- you'll make it. :)
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Permalink Reply by becciquilter on
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Thanks Laura! How do I find the archives? Yes, I would like to read what other's have done to get through this period of time.
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Permalink Reply by Pat L. in IL on
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Dear Becci, I'm sorry that you are having this tough problem with your sailor. Like Laura said, Nuke school is way harder than anything they have encountered in past school experiences. If you read back through some of the moms posts to each other, there seems to be a common thread with these Nuke sailors. They are very smart BUT have never really applied themselves to other educational experiences.....just did enough to get by, were bored, or immersed themselves in gaming. Well, life is very different now! Have you considered that he is struggling and is pulling back from you to protect his own feelings or yours? If you continue to reach out with letters, small packages, etc. and give him time, I'll bet he will find his way back to you. In the meantime, stick with us for support and understanding. Like me, you may have many friends who think they are supportive, but try as they might, they just aren't in our shoes. Hugs to you Becci, Pat
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Pat, sometimes I think my friends make it worse. They shake their head and tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes ("I wouldn't put up with this behavior"). Yikes!!! I did go see a counselor - even before Laura had suggested it, so it must be the right thing! While the counseling is helping, I just miss Matt's usual thoughtfulness (and voice!!!).
Oh yikes - I feel a pity party coming on!! -
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Permalink Reply by Cheryl-Ship 07 Div 290 PIR 9.02 on
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Well, I was happy to read this post actually. It's been one of my concerns all along. My son just started bootcamp. He arrived at GL 7/7/10. When he gets done there he goes to Nukes school. He along with the rest apparently is very smart but never had to apply himself, so I've been concerned about it.
Just glad to hear that my son isn't the only one that has been this way to go through this. I was glad to find this site last week, and now I'm super glad to find this group. I'll be able to stay ahead now and know what he's going through even when I don't or can't hear from him.
Thanks to all of you that post and are able to fill the rest of us in. I'll certainly try to do the same once my son gets there. -
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Hi Becci, I am so sorry -- I know you are hurting, but please try to hang in there and keep supporting him. I agree with Laura and Pat -- it is just so hard to let go. I don't know what to say to relieve your worry or pain, but I hope that at least being able to express it on here will help you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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As I'm reading the posts from the other moms and replying.....it has just hit me......I'm so not alone! Thank you!! Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers! Usually I'm the one who has the positive thoughts and prayers for others. I think I needed YOU ALL today!! I'm going to go count all my blessings and see if I can't make myself snap out of the blues.....
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Permalink Reply by AuntofJon on
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Becci - I can't imagine what you're going through. I would seriously have issues with my nephew if he did this to me. I would suggest trying to find someone on this site that might know your son through their own Sailor. Try his grad date from BC first, then try anyone who started A school with him and so forth. You might be able to have a fellow Navy Mom discreetly find out how your son's doing. As far as the cell phone calls, he probably signed up with a new cell phone provider and has a new number. I know my nephew couldn't wait to receive his phone so he just went a got a new plan/phone. Ask his closest friends if they have heard from him. Also, check to see if he is on Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace. Most people use these networking sites to stay connected with friends.
Or you can just wait and see if he will contact you when he is ready or able; which would be impossilbe for me to do, but if you can give it some time. -
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My son started school in October too as an ET. (class 1002MT). He is starting Power school this coming Monday, May 24.
I would be happy to ask my son if he knows your son. You can send me a private note if you like.
Honestly, you know him better than the rest of us to know how normal this sounds like him or not. My son is not very social, but he does stay in contact with us. I would be at least as upset as you seem, so I think you are normal! School is demanding, but not so much as to not be able to have time to stay in touch, so I think something else is driving his not staying in touch.
I wish I had words of encouragement or advice....I am so sorry you are going through this. -
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Matt is an ET too. I don't know about the class number though. I had hoped to go to GC when he graduated from A school, but with the lack of communication on his end, that didn't happen. My husband thinks that the no calls/letters are his way of stretching and growing into his own life. He thinks Matt is asserting himself into being a man and that this is part of his maturing process. I say "When I get my hands on him......." It's totally out of character for him not to even acknowledge the family's birthdays. For me, the last straw was no phone call on Mother's Day. That hurt deeply and I tried not to cry when everyone asked how he was doing. You know the sympathy nod you get and you know others are thinking "You must have been a really crummy mom for your own son not to call". Oh yikes - the pity party is about to start!!
I was so proud of him for his decision to join the Navy. He was in his junior year of college when he announced he was leaving school at the Christmas break to join the Navy. I've made sure he knew that his dad and I supported his decision and would do whatever he needed us to do to succeed. When the unit marched in out of the cold at Great Lakes, I was so impressed with the transformation from boyhood to manhood.
I think this forum will really help me understand the transformation that he's making from civilian life to military life. My biggest regret is that my father-in-law didn't get to see this. He would have been Matt's biggest cheerleader. Because I'm new to this (adapting parent to military stuff) and learning how this forum works, how do I read or find the archives? How do I send private notes? I would love to find out if your son is in my son's class.
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Good morning Becci, Go to the Nuke mom main page. In the "Discussion Forum" click on "view all". I think there will be several discussions that will interest you. Also below the picture of the person you want to send a private message, click on "Add as a Friend". The person will accept you as a friend. Then when you send them a message, only you and your friend can read it. When you get a private message it will appear in the "Inbox" on the right side of your home page. Hope this helps! Keep your chin up kiddo, better days ahead!
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Permalink Reply by susan906 on
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It's so hard when they don't contact you. Doesn't really matter if they're in the Navy either! Both my daughters were living in Cincinnati for the last couple years, and I rarely heard from them. The one who is now at GC was the worst. When she was at bootcamp I could understand how we didn't get to hear from her much. Now she is at school, has a cell phone, and is using it to talk to her boyfriend but not to us. It's really frustrating--you can't help but imagine they are upset with you for some reason. In your case I could see how you would worry maybe he is unhappy or depressed. But you know your sailor best. How was he when he came home at Christmas? If he seemed pretty normal, then he probably just doesn't like writing or phoning. (I am also one of those people who hates to talk on the phone, so I sympathize with him if that is how he feels.) We know sometimes you need to suck it up and be responsible, but at the same time I remember how bad I was at their age and it is hard to get too aggravated with them. Good luck! I write to my daughter even though she doesn't write back--it is sort of therapeutic for me. I figure if she likes the letters great, if not, well whatever. If he started in October, it sounds like he should be getting a break soon--I hope you don't have long to go before seeing him again.
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