Son ignores phone calls/letters from home....

[becciquilter]

My son started school in October and we didn't hear anything from him until he came home for Christmas.  I made him "pinky swear" that he would stay in closer contact.  While I know school is demanding and keeping him busy, could it really keep him so busy that he wouldn't call home for my birthday?  I knew I would get a phone call on Mother's Day, but so far haven't heard a word.

 

Is this normal behavior?  He hasn't contacted anyone from home.  I've checked the cell phone records and he's only called Papa John's (no relative!!!)  I'm planning a trip to Goose Creek around the first of June to try to find his carcass. I've gone from being upset to just plain old mad!  If he's this bad about communicating, what's it going to be like later?

 

p.s. This isn't the first time he's been away from home.  When he went out of state to college, he was better about staying in touch.  Of course, those phone calls were necessary if he wanted to keep the $$ in his school account.

 

What should I do?  What would you do or what have you done to reach your sailor?  I had written a letter to the Commanding Officer a month ago, but didn't receive an answer from him either. I am grateful that we haven't had a real emergency or death in the family or this would have really driven me off the deep end.

 

Also, what do you tell people when they ask how's he doing? I've had a great family friend send him cookies a couple of times and she's never heard if he's even eaten them. My last package was returned as he wouldn't/couldn't get to the Post Office to pick it up.

 

Help!!

 

Becci

[Laura]

Sometimes at church we (as moms) have a tendency to give out waaaaaay too much personal info. Take this time as a practice in what you can and cannot, actually will and WILL NOT be able to tell people as his job progresses in his career. My Matt can be pretty non-communicative as well. We went through a period like this, I complained, and he asked me "IF you can't make it through this little bit while I'm still here (in the US), then how do you think you're gonna make it through deployment, when we aren't allowed to call home for weeks or months at a time?? depending on what's going on at the time?" That got my attention, as he had a valid point. SO, what I tell some of these people is this "As far as I know he's doing fine." or "He's doing fine. School is keeping him pretty busy. Studying and after hours studying is different than college and high school." They don't need to know that he hasn't called in a while or not at all. Think about your reason for this -- is it really about your son, or are you seeking attention and sympathy from others to fulfill a need that perhaps you filled in other ways until now? Also, "control issues" -- it's hard to let go at times, but let go, you must. I'm farther down the road in this area than you are, but I do remember how distressing it was. Remember that what you do also affects him. ALSO -- on the GC site, it will tell you "NOT TO JUST SHOW UP". There are areas that YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED INTO, irregardless of the fact that your son is a student there or not. He belongs to the military now MOM --- trust him, believe in him, and as hard as it is -- pull back and wait on the sidelines. You don't want to end up alienating him altogether -- if you push too hard, you will. Try to see this whole mess from HIS point of view -- not yours. This is one of many to come situations where as parents, we have to accept it, deal with it, and just move along -- it doesn't mean that we have to like it, but we do have to live with it. Think about how this will affect things down the line. AND, when he does finally call home, don't say JACK about how bad he's been treating you, or how awful he's made you feel. Listen, encourage, and be supportive. He will be more likely to call again, and sooner. I would suggest having a pillow nearby that you can squeeze the heck out of if need be. This is sometimes the hardest lesson: It is no longer just about you, and your needs, and your wants -- It is about him, him becoming a separate and wonderful individual -- separate from you, yet still very much a part of you. The separate part is important, especially for guys. For you -- find out what's really at the core of these issues. Get involved in some volunteer projects or something that will help to fill your time and change your focus off of this and onto other things. You can make it, and so will he. :)

[Mark]

That's a heckuva post, Laura - great job! I've been wrestling trying to figure out how I might respond gracefully, but you've nailed it. I'll just reinforce (not quite the word I want) what you said about doing an end run by contacting friends, and especially, the chain of command. It's never a good idea to contact the chain of command for non-emergency issues related to family. If those get back to the sailor, it's almost certain to make things worse.

[becciquilter]

Mark -- sure wish I had gotten this a few hours ago. Yikes - I sent an email to the ombudsmen (is that right?). I will follow Laura's advice to the "T" for now on. I found some of hard to face, (you know what they say about the truth!) but I know she's right on. I am truly grateful to everyone who wrote because they have been in my shoes and I will follow their path. Hope that makes sense - it's not coming out the way I want it to!!

I certainly want what's best for my son and would just be mortified if I, in my ignorance, made life difficult for him.

Thanks for weighing in. And I thought Laura was incredibly diplomatic too!!! She could have said "Hey Lady - Snap out of it!!!"

becci

[Mark]

Glad to hear your rolling with the response well, Becci. The ombudsman isn't really what I mean by the chain of command, though if the ombudsman is the skipper's wife, as it sometimes is, the word may get to the CO. I'm sure a clarifying e-mail would be well-received. Good luck. :)

[becciquilter]

Well - they say the truth hurts - and Laura - thank you!! Thanks for helping me see things from HIS point of view. And thanks for tips on what to say when folks inquire. You've given me a lot of things to think about. I am pretty heavy in volunteering though. I just finished a project called: "Operation: Sweet Dreams". I had some friends over and made them (I promised them a free lunch) help me make 40 patriotic pillowcases for the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. But I just plain miss my son calling every once in a while to touch base. For him to stay out of communication this long is really unusual. For him to miss a birthday or holiday is unusual. I guess that's what has had me so concerned - the silence.

But you gave me pointers on what to say when people say "So-what do you hear from Matt?" This forum has really been helpful. I think what I've gotten the most out of it is that my friends always say "Well, I would NEVER tolerate this type of behavior!" and it's just gotten underneath my skin. One or two - fine. But most of them? Yikes!!

When he does call home, you can bet the conversation will be light and loving. After all, I DO want him to call again!! I also will remember that these courses are not like the courses he took in college or high school. I want him to be successful and you've helped steer me in a different direction.

I'm not feeling as uptight as I was when I first wrote in last week. I'm still going to Charleston next week, but I'm not going to the base unless Matt wants us to pick him up. I've been wanting to go to sight see for a while. I'm hoping for good weather to go to Fort Sumter.

If you've been in that area, could you recommend a few restaurants to eat at?

Thanks for taking the time to help me - I've really appreciated it.

becci

[Laura]

The restaurant "Longhorns" -- is really, really good. Matt took us there. Go to the tourism board for South Carolina -- if you still have time, order the book for the state -- LOTS of FREEBIES in there too. Otherwise, if you're driving, pick up the book at the state border and get the map for Charleston/North Charleston. They are twin cities. The airport is in North Charleston, and about 10-20 mins from the school. LOTS to do -- and LOTS for free. We were on a limited budget, so had to go with freebies and decide what we really wanted to pay to see. The Citadel is a good place to go, but your sailor may not be able to go with you (due to a serious school rivalry thing). Then when you follow around the square, you get to see the place where they hung all the pirates (neat park to walk through), and follow up the row of the painted houses, then go across the bridge to the Lighthouse and Fort Moultrie (neat museum). There are a couple of tea plantations and other things to go see. We didn't make it across to Ft Sumter, but we did make it to Patriot's Point with our sailor. We even went to Folley Beach, mind you it was 37degrees outside in February, but it was fun. Brought home some neat beach finds. We also ate a Cracker Barrel on that day. The city of Charleston may have a newsletter/email one that can give you insight on great deals on festivals and other things that may be going on while you are there. Glad I could help. Yes, I DO KNOW how hard the truth can be to take (I've been told that I can be pretty mule/hard-headed at times -- other times I know that this same level of persistance and perservearance (sp) have helped me make it through some really, really rough times and survive. You'll make it and God will help you do it. (Phil 4:13)

[Pat L. in IL]

Becci, You sound like you are doing better and more in control of the situation. Good job, girlfriend!!!!

[Casey~ Ryan's Wife, Nuke ELT MM2]

There are both of those discussions in the Nuke School Charleston group. I have actually been blocked from that group because of some kind of middle-school aged drama that I still don't quite understand, so new replies to those discussions are blocked, but the information is still there and very good! :)

[becciquilter]

You actually got BLOCKed? No, really? Can they do that?
p.s. I must really be a ditz, but I still can't find the discussions. Help!!

becci

[Casey~ Ryan's Wife, Nuke ELT MM2]

yeah, it's stupid... dumb drama really. But you should still be able to access the discussions.

Search for "Nuke School Charleston" under the Groups tab. Click to get in the group, then in that group's discussion forum there are 2 discussions titled "Restaurants to Try!" and "Visiting Your Sailor? Foster Creek Villas!" The latter also has replies from women about local hotels.

I've made my own group with all the information I gave in that group's discussion forums, and I'm going to repost those discussions in my group. It's "Loved Ones in the Nuke Program!" Feel free to join if you like. Good luck!

[Casey~ Ryan's Wife, Nuke ELT MM2]

I'm still adding the old discussions so it might take a couple hours before it's up on my group. It's still up on the Nuke School group though.

[Pat L. in IL]

Laura, What a fabulous message for Becci. You hit just the right tone and laid it all out perfectly.