Son ignores phone calls/letters from home....

[becciquilter]

My son started school in October and we didn't hear anything from him until he came home for Christmas.  I made him "pinky swear" that he would stay in closer contact.  While I know school is demanding and keeping him busy, could it really keep him so busy that he wouldn't call home for my birthday?  I knew I would get a phone call on Mother's Day, but so far haven't heard a word.

 

Is this normal behavior?  He hasn't contacted anyone from home.  I've checked the cell phone records and he's only called Papa John's (no relative!!!)  I'm planning a trip to Goose Creek around the first of June to try to find his carcass. I've gone from being upset to just plain old mad!  If he's this bad about communicating, what's it going to be like later?

 

p.s. This isn't the first time he's been away from home.  When he went out of state to college, he was better about staying in touch.  Of course, those phone calls were necessary if he wanted to keep the $$ in his school account.

 

What should I do?  What would you do or what have you done to reach your sailor?  I had written a letter to the Commanding Officer a month ago, but didn't receive an answer from him either. I am grateful that we haven't had a real emergency or death in the family or this would have really driven me off the deep end.

 

Also, what do you tell people when they ask how's he doing? I've had a great family friend send him cookies a couple of times and she's never heard if he's even eaten them. My last package was returned as he wouldn't/couldn't get to the Post Office to pick it up.

 

Help!!

 

Becci

[becciquilter]

Gads - he got MARRIED?!! I have to ask what type of girl would get married and not be in contact with her future husband's family? I'm so sorry - words can't adequately express my sorrow that you were left out of one of the best moments in a person's life? Did he invite you to the BC graduation?

I'm still thinking of going to GC to pinch Matt's head off! He called recently (at the pressure of his chief) and it was like talking to a total stranger. I did manage to coax an invite to Power School graduation, but we'll see what happens when it gets closer to the date. I asked him why he hadn't called before and he said he didn't feel like it. An honest answer, I'm sure. But it still makes me want to go up just to pinch that head off!!!

Keep your chin up - and let me hear from you --
becci

[Pat L. in IL]

Becci, Glad that you got a phone call. But especially glad that you sound like you are in better spirits. Think of you often and am praying that your son gets his head straight.

[Laura]

Becci: glad you got a call. little steps, remember -- little steps. AND I still think it goes with the name. My Matt has been pretty quiet lately -- but I keep up with him in other ways. He stays pretty busy, so I can understand, And on the other hand, it's an unfortunate part of our society today and kids growing up, apart and away -- especially when we don't want the "away" to be little to no contact. People aren't as close -- emotionally & geographically -- as they used to be, something we lost as a people group with all the "independence & do your own thing" movements. :(

[algerine]

Becci-
Thanks for the reply. I didn't get an invite to BC graduation. That was really heartbreaking because I was so excited about going. I honestly can't figure things out, we have always had a really good relationship. I don't know if I need to wait it out or contact the Ombudsman (sp?) like I read in one of your posts. The hardest thing is doing nothing!

I'm glad you got a phonecall and an invite to PS graduation - that will be great! Thanks again for starting the post - it really helps to read all of these replies!

[becciquilter]

The Ombudsman was totally no help whatsoever. That was a complete waste of time. Are you close enough to go to Goose Creek? Do you have any way of contacting his wife?

b

[algerine]

I'm not really close to GC - I'm in Colorado. I would go in a second if the opportunity arose. I do have his wife's cell number. I feel so awkward calling her, I have no idea what I would say.

I feel better than I have in awhile though after reading everyone's posts. What an awesome bunch of women all of you are!! Thanks so much for saying all the right things - Becci, I loved reading your post to Julie!! Thank you so much for sharing. I'll try your approach and start mailing the 'light' cards and see what happens. I have no idea where he is in the scheme of A School, Power School, or what. If I could at least find out how he's doing, I would feel better.

Have a great weekend. Keep posting on how things are going for you!

[josephsproudwifey]

unfortunately the ombudsmans here are different from the ones at the permanent stations. My friend was going through training to become one, until she found out that they are for the students, not the families, which is strange but it's just how it is. That may be why she wasn't helpful. I really don't understand that part, and my friend ((who is an ex-nuke and now a nuke wife) decided not to be part of it because of that.

[Julie F]

Becciquilter -
I haven't been on this site in a long time, so I am just now reading your post. I, of course, am not happy that you are going through this, however, feel relieved that I'm not the only one! My son is now in Power School which began about May 21. I also wanted to be there for A School graduation but could not afford to. I also planned to make the trip this summer, but couldn't do that either. Besides, he wouldn't have had much time to spend with us. I am hoping to make it to Power School graduation in October (that is if he communicates with me to make plans LOL). Anyway, I did get a call on Mother's Day and he also answered when I called on his birthday, but that's about it. Other than that, just a quick acknowledgement to a post I made to his Facebook page. Is your son on Facebook? That seems to be the best way to reach my sailor.

Anyway, just good to know that there are some kindred souls out there........

[becciquilter]

Hey Julie - I didn't even get a call on Mother's Day! I hate to say this, but I did cry myself to sleep that night. I went over and over what I could have done wrong or so bad that would have cut the communication ties. Finally I said "Hey - I'm perfect! It's gotta be HIM!". Well - it at least snapped me out of the pity pit!! It's ok to laugh - I'm not really perfect!!!

I have spoken with him recently and I know I'm going to the graduation. By the by - when is your son graduating? Is it October 29th? If so, I'll save you a seat!!!! what class is your son in?

Matt isn't on Facebook - we've looked. He's always looked down his nose at Facebook, so I wasn't surprised that he hasn't joined yet.

I'm still itching to get to GC to pinch his head off, but have instead opting for something healthier - I'm sending funny "uplifting" cards every week now. I even sent him a birthday card last week, even though his birthday isn't until November. I told him (in the card) that it was just too good to pass up and hoped he got a chuckle out of it.

I've learned a lot from these posts and I'm thankful to each person who responded. I really had fallen into the pity well and Laura "snapped" me out of it. I think that's why I like this site so much - the men and women reach out because they want to help. Sometimes it involves telling someone to get off their bottom and find something positive to do. The funny thing is - that's how I am normally and just needed a kick start that day. Some of the ladies know that I'm a cancer survivor and that when the doctor told me over the phone that it was indeed cancer, she knew exactly what my reaction was going to be. My attitude (and reaction) was: "I've got too much living to do and don't have time to be sick. What do I have to do and let's move." It really is (and was) out of character for me to be wallowing in the "why doesn't he call me and how could he forget MY birthday?" It had become all about me and I had forgotten that he was also having to adjust to everything, plus for the first time in his life - He was having to STUDY! So, that's why I'm grateful for the support I've gotten on this site and the Reality Checkups.

I too would have liked to have been at the A School graduation, but it just wasn't meant to be I guess. When I talked with Matt I did get to tell him how proud we all were of his accomplishments and would like to share in them. I managed to keep my tone light and not accusatory. Also, from this site (I Did Learn!!) when I spoke with him, I didn't make the conversation "All About Me"!! :) I even got to share how great this site is and that Casey has been a real gem with information. I could tell by his tone that this impressed him.

While his tone was at times hostile and he chose words that you would NEVER say to your mama, I chose to keep it light and to ignore the tones. I think he was trying for the Shock and Awe treatment, but I had 2 brothers in the Marines and I've heard it all. But I knew my brothers would never say some of this to our mom!

Sorry for the rambling - I was getting on my soapbox again!

Maybe it's just guys/boys/sons just don't find it necessary to communicate unless something is wrong. Just a thought - I have some every once in a while!!

Oh by the way - not to bring up things that's all about ME - I did have something funny to add that my son shared with me. After I finished all the radiation treatments, (my last one was on Christmas Eve a couple years ago), Matt observed that instead of turning on the Christmas lights, we could save money because I "glowed in the dark". Sorry, but I still think that's funny and when I think how ernest he was, I still snicker!

Have a great weekend Julie. We'll keep you and your sailor covered with prayers. I'm also adding the 2 families of the other sailors. Scary, isn't it?

My best ---
Becci

[Laura]

ROFLMAO!!!! Becci -- that was priceless!!! I've also done the cancer thing and one time after the nuclear radioactive stuff -- the kids wanted to turn out all the lights in the house at night to see if I'd glow in the dark. We had a good laugh out of that one. OH -- and by the way -- while we each have only ONE birthday every year, we all do have 364 UNBIRTHDAYS that can be celebrated! I've always loved that one from Alice In Wonderland. :) Glad things are getting better. I think most of it is that they are discovering who they really are as individuals a part from us, and just trying to find their own way in the world we sent them out into. Hard to take sometimes, especially when the house is just a little too quiet, and you hear the giggles of little kids telling secrets from days gone by. Some things just pass through our lives too quickly, only at the time, we don't realize this.

[Pat L. in IL]

Becci and Laura, Since both of you are cancer survivors you can appreciate my special news. My daughter is a cancer survivor too and she is pregnant!! Can't tell the rest of the family yet (I have strict orders) but am so blessed to have friends here to share with. I love reading your posts and feel that you are such extraordinary women. Nothing better than a mother's heart!!

[Dotsy -Chris' Mom Nuke EM]

Congrats Pat L. that is wonderful news and I am so happy for all of you.