Being a Nuke Mom is hard work!!

[becciquilter]

Just when I think I have all my problems licked, up comes another!  Some of you may remember me as the Mom who hadn't heard from her sailor (bless his little heart) for over 6 months.  I'm the mom who emailed the base mediators (several times) and then wrote the base commander - twice.  Um, ok - so I now know better!  But if I had to do it all over again, would I?  Um, er, (blush) let's address that another day!

 

My sailor is up in Ballston Spa and graduation date is rapidly approaching.  Our communication has still been sketchy, but when he rings up, he sounds like his old self.  He's called when he was driving home in a snowstorm and just wanted someone to talk to while he navigated dark, icy roads (I'm not sure which of us had the whitest knuckles though!)  He has a hands free system in his car and just wanted a voice to help him stay calm while trying to get home!  I would never encourage anyone to drive and talk, but it wasn't the time to say "Get off the phone!!"  I'm thinking of drinking Miss Clariol to see if it will cover the white hair quicker!!  Yikes!!  On the one hand, I didn't want to encourage the talking while driving.  But on the other hand, I recognized the need for a calm voice when it was most needed.  Double Whammy - but we got through it!!

 

He's told his sister how difficult Prototype is and how the hours are long and draining.  He said he just wants to finish and move on. 

 

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who's prayed with me that our relationship with our son would be restored and that God's Will be done.  Thank you ---

 

And he even called me on my birthday this year to wish me a Happy Birthday and that he missed me.  I didn't think it would make up for last year's fiasco, but I was wrong!  It was so nice to hear the boy I raised had turned into a decent human being!! 

 

By the way - when I ask specific questions about the exams and so forth, he says "Man, that Navy Mom site has way to much information!!"  But he answers the questions!

 

Have an awesome week everyone and again:  THANK YOU!

 

becci

[jordosmom]

Thanks NancyJo.  My son and I talked about it again yesterday.  He is so excited to spend time with his little brother and to show him around.  Plus the fact that he wasn't able to attend either his college graduation last May nor his OCS commissioning in August.  With that being said, while we were talking, my son was relieved to know that I teared up with tears of joy.  I have two opposite sons in likes, and definitely personalities.  This will be such a great connecting time for them both. PLUS the fact that my younger son just bought a new camera, and is an excellent photographer!  :)  

 

[Lisa (MMNuke Mom)]

Thanks becciquilter, for starting this thread! I just found it, and read all the entries straight through. I feel like my heart's breaking and mending again all at the same time.

 

My son is an MM in Power school, graduating in Oct., and is my middle child (older son and younger daughter). He left for BC 3 months after graduation from HS. He had a GF back home at the time. When we went for his BC grad, she and her mom came with us. Needless to say, I wanted to spend time with him, but he only had eyes for her, and they were pretty bloodshot - he was at the brink of exhaustion. I knew this time was about him tho, and tried not to cry too much, or where anyone could see me.

When he came home for Christmas, I told him I understood that he wanted to spend time with friends and the GF, but that I would like some too... I think he spent the night at our house 2 nights out of the 10 he was there. We had picked him up from the airport, and at first she wanted to come with us, but later decided against it (maybe because as soon as he told me, I blurted - so, I don't get ANY time alone with you?). I was so hurt by the time he left to go back, but trying to understand, that I asked her if she wanted to take him to the airport instead, which she did.

 

Anyway, it's been rough not getting to be a part of his life anymore, which I guess is my point. They wound up breaking up in February, which has been kinda sad, because I really do like her, but at the same time, I think they were both too young (she's graduating from HS this weekend) to be able to carry on a long distance relationship and have it grow and be healthy. Somehow I thought maybe now he'll talk to me more, but that hasn't been the case. Even when we do talk, I still get 1-word answers, and the conversation is pretty much done after a few minutes.

 

At one point, it was hurting me so much I even stopped getting on N4M for a few months, because all these other moms seemed to talk to their sons every day, and still knew what was going on in their daily lives. I realize tho, that he is spreading his wings, and trying to become his own man, and I think to myself, hey, this is what you raised him to be able to do, right? So why is it so hard to do? It reminds me of his first day in Kindergarten, when he walked right into the classroom and just said 'bye' to me... didn't need me at all (I thought).

 

Time does heal wounds tho, and I realize now that some of them are a bit self-inflicted. I am very proud of my Navy Nuke, and it's not his fault if mom is suffering from a bit of empty nest syndrome (even tho 1 is still at home). Although he still has a hard time talking to me (very unlike his older brother - he sometimes tells me too much!), like you guys have said, he knows I'm right here if he needs me. It's time for me to focus on other things, and know that he is good hands, and that this is his chance to do his thing - I did my part, now he gets to do his.

 

Thanks to all for your posts - good to know I'm not the only one!

[NancyJo (NNPTC)]

No, Lisa MMNuke Mom, you are not alone at all.  It sounds like your head is telling you all the right things, but the heart still hurts a little.  Even if he doesn't want to talk, you can still let him know you are there.  Drop a little note in the mail, send a little txt with a thinking of you note, things like that. And don't hesitate to ask his siblings if they have heard from him.  It's not spying, it's keeping up.  

 

As our kids mature, things get better.  We just need to remember when it comes to pouring out our feelings to our sons, sometimes less is more.  Menfolk are not always comfortable with the tender hearts of females, especially moms who have always taken care of them suddenly needing some TLC themselves.  Glad the GF thing is cooled, tho.  My son is getting married in July at age 21. Way too young.  Hang in there, Lisa.  Your sailor only has one mom and that's you.

[Penny_Nuke_MM2_NimitzNuke]

Lisa, are you sure you are not writing my auto-biography.  The only changes would be that he IS my youngest and there are no more at home and mine and his girlfriend are still together.  Yes, I've cried as well.  Remember the first call from boot camp ???  I had befriended three other BC moms and we were to the point of writing emails back and forth every day .... sometimes by the hundreds (between the four of us).  We were all shooting the breeze when one of them said, Jamie is on the phone.  Then another said, Logan is on the phone.  Then the last mom said Nathan is on the phone as well.  I quickly texted the GF to let her know that phone calls were coming in.  And there I sat, waiting for my phone to ring as I saw notes from the other moms flooding the inbox with how their boys were doing.  And still I sat .... nothing.  I even checked to make sure the ringer was on but still nothing.  Finally, the emails started showing that the phone calls were over and how much they just loved their boys that were turning into men.  Then they realized they hadn't heard anything from me. 

 

THEN a text came in ..... it was the GF saying "best phone call ever".  I felt like an unfit mother.  I had been telling the other moms what a great relationship my son and I had and how much I loved him and then this.  I cried for days afterward, the hurt was so deep that even now thinking about it reminds me of the hurt that I had.  I wanted to NEVER write him again.  I felt that if he didn't have what it took to at least call his mom, what was my purpose in life and still I continued crying. I was an emotional mess.

 

Yes, I will still be there for him and continued writing letters every day because that is what I signed up to do as a Navy Mom.  To this day, after just graduating A-school, I still get very VERY few phone calls...rarely a text but I will assure you one thing, the GF gets SKYPE calls EVERY night.  He hasn't even shared his skype address with me nor accepted my request.  It's tough to learn where mom stands behind a beautiful girlfriend, trust me.  But I realize now it is time to cut the apron strings and stop being a helicopter mom - it's difficult but when he is now 23 years of age, it's time for MOM to grow up.

 

So, now that I've spilled my guts .... see, you are not the only one.

[Lisa (MMNuke Mom)]

Penny, I have to admit, I did get the first phone call, we talked for a few, and then he asked me to 3-way with his GF so she would be sure to answer when he called from a strange number.

 

The one that got me was when everyone was getting the "I'm a sailor!" call, and I waited, and waited, and nothing.  I finally called the GF, and she told me he had already called her, an hour before - she didn't even call to tell me! He finally called me later that day, after his dinner, and then acted like it was no big deal - didn't even tell me he was a sailor, said it wouldn't be official until BC grad. was over.

 

I made friends on N4M with one of the moms of his friend from BC, and we've kept in touch as they've gone thru A school and now Power school. She talks with her son often, and knows more about what's going on with my son than I do. Sometimes I think she's hesitant to tell me anything tho, for fear I might get mad at him for not telling me something, or that he'll get mad with her son because she did. Thing is tho, there have been several times when he was in HS that I would find something out from someone else, and not say anything to him, just wait and see if he would come to me. Sometimes he did, and sometimes he didn't.

 

Anyway, I have finally decided that it's time to start my own life again, too, trying not to completely "abandon" my 16 yr old daughter that's still at home in the process. It's been 23 years since I've not been responsible for anyone else besides me, and it's really hard to turn the mom button off sometimes - it's such a part of who I've become. But, I have a wonderful husband to be (we've been engaged for 3 years, and together for almost 9) to discover a whole new child-free world with, and I'm trying to focus on what's ahead of me instead of  mourning what's behind (or almost) me. We're even taking up some new hobbies, like kyaking.

 

I'll tell you tho, I have a whole appreciation for the moms (wives, and GFs too) of those serving in the military - this is NOT an easy job. Worth it, yes, easy, no.

[becciquilter]

I think the reason I like this web site so much is that I'm realizing how "normal" I am!  If I wanted to know anything about my son, I would ask my neighbor.  I would plead with "Nuke Boy" that it made our family look bad because of the lack of communication.  I've gotten a better response from the family dog then I did with him!!

 

My main communication or keeping on top of some of the stuff was meeting his roommate's mom on this site.  She too had been hesitate at times to speak freely to me.  But I am grateful I met her and cherish our friendship!  Our boys have been together from A school all the way through Prototype.  Yepper, this website has been a real blessing!!

 

I do have a story to share with you that I hope will give you a little laugh today:

   Christmas Eve 2010 - Nuke Boy and another Nuke go to NYC to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Nuke Boy's sister.  The sister has to work until 11pm and they make plans to meet after work.  She gets a phone call that says the two boys were at a "Gentleman's Club" and would be meeting her a couple hours later.  Needless to say, sister is Ticked Off.  After meeting up with the boys and having a late dinner, the second Nuke announces he has to go back to club as he had promised the dancer he would be back.  Not wanting to desert his Navy buddy, Nuke Boy announces to his sister that he has to accompany his friend as his friend is now his Navy Family.  I get a phone call at 2:30am from my daughter stating that she should have been an only child and life is unfair and her brother is an idiot. 

  Don't you just love getting those phone calls in the middle of the night?!!  She went to one of her friend's home and spent the rest of the night there.  Nuke Boy and friend discover they don't have a key to get into her apartment and they have to wait in the lobby for her. 

 I was ticked off that as guests, they displayed boorish behavior to their hostess.  I'm one of those people who wait until the right moment to say something.  A couple of months later, I'm in NYC visiting my daughter and as we're walking down the street she points out the night club.  Of course I had her make my photo in front of the building!!  I was talking to my son the next day and I told him I thought I had found a store named "Lace" and that when I went inside I was astonished to find that they didn't sell any.  He sputtered on the phone and said "didn't you notice the posters outside?"  I said "Oh, I thought they were modeling the fabric and lace inside!!"  He's still trying to figure out if I know what they had done or if I'm truly a country bumpkin.  Let's make him keep guessing!!

 

I love my Nuke Boy - absolutely 100%.  I'm proud of his accomplishments and I'm proud to be a Navy Mom.  I'm not happy that he doesn't communicate with me.  I'm not happy that I have to hear from other people what he's doing, what his dreams are, what his ambition is.  It makes me feel like I had truly failed as a mom or didn't do a good job.  It's really hard not to beat myself up over it.  Then I read posts from other moms and realize I did give birth to an alien from another planet!  That has to be the explanation!  When I read posts from moms whose sons call all the time, I think "where did I fail?".  Now that I've been talking to other moms who also have a Nuke Boy just like mine, I think "oh my goodness - there are more just like him!"  But it gives me hope!

 

Keep posting - you've been a real help to me today!

 

becciquilter

[becciquilter]

Oh - and I took up sweep rowing!!  Next on my list is belly dancing!!

 

[Lisa (MMNuke Mom)]

I've always wanted to take belly dancing lessons - just never signed up for them...yet! :)

[Lisa (MMNuke Mom)]

Oh that is just too funny - I love it! Gotta keep 'em on their toes...:)

 

becciquilter, are you sure our sons aren't clones? I used to say the same thing to him - "do you know how embarrassing it is that I have to find this out from your girlfriend's mom??? Why couldn't you tell me yourself?"

 

And I also used to beat myself up, wondering " what did I ever do to him to make him not trust me or be able to confide in me?" Your last paragraph says it perfectly - every word!  And you're right - there IS hope!

I'm so glad to know that there are other moms in the same situation - thanks so much for sharing. And just remember - we're not failures (trust me, I've met some), they're just aliens! :)

 

Have a great one!

 

 

[becciquilter]

Lisa - Belly Dancers have some really cute clothes.  Much cuter than the rowers!!  I found a belly dancing skirt at the Flea Market for $10.  That's when I decided I had to do this!!  I don't think I'll be caught dead wearing that little piece of fabric out in public, but with a group of ladies - I might.  I'm going to scope it out first!!

 

My Nuke didn't get his Driver's License until he was 18.  He really didn't have any desire to drive - I was always handy (also known as Bank of Mom).  I was diagnosed with cancer when he was 18 so he needed to be able to drive ME.  5 days after my surgery, he told me he needed to get a haircut and since he only had his permit, he needed me to sit in the front seat.  A woman ran a stop sign and he hit her car.  My stitches got pulled and I was 100% miserable.  When the police got to the scene, the officer asked Nuke Boy for his driver's license.  Here's how the conversation went:

Police: "Sir, may I see your driver's license?"

Nuke: "I don't have a driver's license."

Me: "Show him your learner's permit"

Nuke: "He didn't ask to see my permit"

Me: "Show him your permit anyway.  I'm hurting - just do it!!!"

Police: "May I see your permit?"

Nuke: "See?!!"

And that was when I realized that God had sent a guardian angel, because I was about to take him out of this world!!

Oh -- how do you tell your child he's sooooooo lucky to still be standing?!

[elizabeth77(USS SAN FRANCISCO)]

I am here at work, Laughing out Loud!!!!  There are soooo many stories about how I wanted to put my son up for adoption (even though he's over 18) before he left for boot camp!!!  Some too embarrassing to share!

[NancyJo (NNPTC)]

 

I used to tell my son that he was adopted and I got him from the chicken farm. At the time I thought he had a sense of humor and of course he knew it was a joke.  Now, I'm not so sure.............

 

Could it be he's finally getting even for the chicken farm thing?