i need a little advice....

[Saraxoxo]

my fiancee is in a-school, he's been there going on 2 weeks now.   He hasn't started school or anything yet,  he starts monday.   Everything was great after boot camp,   he went to a-school, got a cell phone so we can talk, everything was good last week, and then this week.  something randomly happenend.  he told me that they were moving some people across base to work on his building he was staying at and he wouldn't get service, and that he'd talk to me next week (this was tuesday), i'm like, okay, thats fine, do what you gotta do, i'll talk to you next week, i love you, blah blah blah, and come to find out last night, HE LIED TO ME!  i texted him, and texted him, and said your lying, you do get service, your on facebook, etc, and he texted back 5 mins later and said,  yes i did lie, i needed my time to think over things.   okay, this is the first time he's EVER lied to me like that.  I asked him why, and he said he didn't want to upset me.   We've been together for 3 years now, and he's always told me things, and has always been honest no matter what.  Heres whats really bothering me besides the lying part.. I found out he's texting his ex, and about 2 or 3 other girls.  Should I be worried?  for me, i think i should be.  but he said there just friends, and not the girl he's marrying in a few weeks..   okay,  but why isn't he acting like a guy i should be marrying?  He never says i love you to me unless i say it to him, he's not sweet anymore, he's definitely not the man i fell in love with. He's changed this week, very badly, he was fine, and happy and everything last week, and now this week everything exploded.  He said their talking about deployment and that's been on his mind most of the week, which i can understand, but he still wouldn't talk to me about it...  Maybe i'm just overreacting, but idk, i really need some advice if anyone can help me. thankss.

[abuon18]

I think, and I know it will be hard, but that what you need to do is be understanding with him right now. Pushing him, fighting with him, accusing him is all just going to push him away and if he is going through something personal he is not ready to tell you, being angry and fighting with him constantly is going to make him less inclined to talk to you about what is bothering him. If like you said everything was perfect then he changed all of a sudden I think it's something he just needs to figure out for himself right now, not necessarily something about you. If his feelings towards you were changing it would have been something you would have noticed happening, over a period of time. It sounds like some situation must have happened to upset him recently and maybe he just wants to talk to other people who understand (other sailors). As civilian girlfriends, we don't understand everything they go through or how it affects them so sometimes they need someone else to talk to. From what you said he is still planning on marrying you. Maybe he is just getting cold feet, which is common also for ANY man about to get married. A lot of men do reach out to their exes at this time, but it doesn't mean it is for anything romantic. I understand how hard it is to be away from him and not be able to talk issues out like civilian couples... but when we fell in love with them this is unfortunately the lifestyle we agreed to! I would try to just be as understanding with him, when he DOES talk to you, don't bring it up, don't ask him what's going on, it's just going to push him away more. Guys sometimes need to figure their feelings out by themselves, not like us who need to talk every emotion to death!!! If it's so sudden I really don't think it's something you should be concerned about, it will pass.

 

[lil_mermaid]

im right there with you. i would be understanding---but no way tolerate the lying. i think anyone going through this situation needs to reas abuon18's post because they natural thing would be to emotionally over react. but her response it quite logical ... and probably the only way to sway him back into the jist of how things used to be. sooner or later he should feel like an idot  for reaching out to his exs and other girls , and realize why he fell in love with you in the first place.

[TropikalParadize]

I would be upset, and I think you have a right to be...the lying is what got to me in your comments....it would be one thing if he is getting cold feet, having second thoughts, talking to exes and other girls, etc....If he was telling you about it!! The fact that he lied about it makes it a whole different story....I would be pissed and hurt that he ruined your trust!!! If you are getting married to him, he needs to come to YOU first about anything like this, communication and trust are what makes marriages strong (and love!! haha)....if you guys are just b/f and g/f that is one thing, but if you are getting married that's a huge commitment that takes work from you and him....I would let him know how I felt!!   Its not just about him and "how he feels"....its about BOTH of you in a marriage, and you both have to be able to work things out.

[Anti M]

I like that you can see his actions are not the actions of an an engaged man.  Let him know you understand he needs time to think, and that's OK.  But let him know that act of lying has hurt you, and to please just be up front.  He is in a transitional phase of his life just now, plans made before boot camp may be seen in a different light.  It is alright to think things over as a sailor rather than as a civilian.

 

They do talk to them about the hardships of marriage on the spouse left behind.  In reality, there are a lot problems for couples during those times.  Let him know you're learning as much as you can from the dependent wife perspective, that you are preparing for the Navy life also.

 

Communicating with an ex is a huge red flag for me, unless there is a child involved.  I've been married 24 years and I turn down friend requests on FB from my exes, as that is disrespectful to my husband.   But I have many male friends, he has female friends, we've always been ok with that, because we were both serving with both genders.  

 

But yes, actions always speak louder than words.  Let him know that loving actions are very much appreciated, even small things like honesty.

[Angie]

Does he even tell people he is engaged?  There are lots of people in "A" School, who this is there first time away from home and they are "testing the waters"  to find themselves.  There is no reason to get ahold of his ex unless (like Anti M said) there are kids involved.  

 

To me it sounds like he is trying to string you along so he has you and can still go do what he wants to do.  People will tell you that the (new Sailors) need to go blow off steam, ect, and may do some stupid stuff.  But that is not the case...there are lots of people on the bases who are in similar situations and they could hang out with them.  If he is just friends with the girls, that is normal..but I would ask him straight up what is going on.  If he has been in "A" School 2 weeks that is about the time they get to phase 2, where they get some overnight liberty...which means more freedoms.

 

Better to find out now if this guy is a jerk or not.  I would call him and talk to him to see what is going on. You know him, you will be able to tell by his voice. 

[Saraxoxo]

thanks guys for all your help :)  it helped a lot,  but now i have another issue.  a girl messaged me on facebook saying that he has been texting her asking her for naked pictures, and flirting with her.  now what do i do?  i talked to him 2 days ago about all this and he said he doesn't do that anymore, and all that crap,  yeah, it's not the first time, he did it when we first started dating, but never again since then,  i would know cause he lost his job, meaning lost his cell phone, and his computer broke, and he pretty much lived with me for over a year and a half.  he was commited to me, and we were awesome.  now he gets his cell phone back, and he's back to his old ways.   are any of your men like that?  what do you do about it if so,  and if not, what do you think i should do?  I've texted and call him, but he won't return my calls, probably cause it's 12am there, and he needs to get up at 4am, so i'm waiting for a response in the morning.

[amberrose]

Oh girl, I am sorry that your fiance is being a complete jerk.  *hugs*  I am sure you are going through some pretty rough stuff, and do NOT need this in your life.  In my opinion, I would not tolerate such behavior and kick him to the curb.  Sorry if it sounds harsh, but from what I am reading, he has been lying, and he is interested in snagging some highly inappropriate pictures of other girls.  HUGE red flags.  You should take care of yourself and find someone who loves and respects you for who YOU are.

[Anti M]

Oh. Hell. No.

I'm sorry, but there is NO excuse for his actions.  You think he'll give you anything other than lies?  There are many fine men out there, dump this jerk, even though it breaks your heart, and go find a good person to share your life.  

I wish only the best for you, and this is one sailor who is NOT up to high standards.  

[abuon18]

It sounds like he is really selfish and he knows that he is hurting you but is still doing it.... sailor or not there is NO excuse for any engaged, married, or otherwise committed man to act like that because if his feelings for you were the same as yours are for him he wouldn't be doing it. He should be more concerned with talking to YOU on the phone and facebook than other girls. It's difficult but eventually you have to stand up for yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who doesn't respect you. I am sorry you're going through this but we'll all still be here for you no matter what you decide.

[TickledTink]

Oh yikes!  At first I was going to say maybe he is worried about the possibility of deployment and people telling him how awful it is for you to be left behind.  I was even giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was still friends with his ex before hand and contacting her was nothing unusual or romantic.

But the naked pictures thing?  Girl, you need to think long and hard about whether you really want to marry him or not.  Maybe now that he has a phone again and is in A school with some freedom now he is enjoying that and not wanting to settle down anymore?  It seems strange that it came on so suddenly, but seems like this guy is a pretty good liar so maybe it wasn't as sudden as you thought?  I've been pretty blind sided before.

It is not normal or ok for that behavior, Sailor or not.  There are plenty of engaged and married Sailors who do NOT cheat or do other such inappropriate things that he could associate with to keep out of trouble, so there is no excuse.  No, my husband does not do things like that.  It worries me that he has done that before and it doesn't sound like he has changed at all.  Seems like the only reason he stopped is because he COULDN'T do it, and now he is in a situation that makes it easy for him to get away with it.  I know you love him and it would be SO HARD to walk away, but it doesn't sound like he deserves for you to put yourself through that when he doesn't appreciate you and is doing these things that hurt you.  At the very least, maybe take a few steps back and hopefully he will realize what he has and learn not to take you for granted.  And if he doesn't, well then you have your answer that he is not the one for you.  Divorce is A LOT harder to go through than a broken engagement.

[skell456 (AO wife)]

Just read all of this and wondering what the update is????  I love Anti M's response Oh hell no that would not be happening in my life.  I am on a base everyday and see exactly what goes on around me in the day and at night.  If my husband would have joined a few years ago I can tell you we would not have made it there is too much temtation there.  They have bars right on base too well here anyway.  It is crazy they all go to strip clubs every weekend too (not my husband he comes home with us).  They have lots of freedom, time, and money especially on the weekends after phase three. 

[m3]

Oh my goodness I know!! My husband had a single 26 year old)friend  of his hang out with us saturday and ohhhh my goodness...the stuff I learned from him! I couldn't believe how many guys go to the strip clubs on the weekends!! And one of their shipmates (a girl) was texting him asking if he wanted to go to the hotel room she got for the night?! I guess the girls get hotel rooms a lot....I have COMPLETE trust in my husband but boy am I glad he comes home every night!!!