My son is coming home due to severe depression

[Sue]

I'm very emotional about my son who is in boot camp but called a few days ago saying he was in the hospital due to severe insomnia, anxiety and depression. He is under a suicide watch, which I assume is protocol. He is back at boot camp in a type of division of recruits that are being carefully watched. He called to say he will be sent home after he is found stable to safely travel alone. Has anyone had a similar circumstance and if so, how do I handle my son when he arrives home. Thank you. Sue

[Sue]

Thank you so much for letting me know the link for info about my son. I so greatly appreciate it. I have not heard anything from him yet about when he is coming home but I feel better after reading about how the process works. Sue

[BunkerQB]

My younger son was at West Point for two years, then left after deciding that he did not want to be in the military. We thought it was not big deal; however, looking back it was a bigger deal than we had anticipated. During the two years, he had forged friendships that made transition to civilian world much more difficult. He admits that he will probably never have the same camaraderie that he had with his brothers at the academy. It's just different in the civilian world.

1. Make sure he knows that it's OK to be separated. Military life is not for everyone. My son was in super condition and academically, the classes were relatively easy but the restrictive life style was just incompatible with his personality. Ha. I could've told him that BEFORE he applied. After all, he has my DNA. Because of the economy, many would consider a career in the military to be a highly desirable goal. You son may feel disappointment in himself. He may feel others are disappointed in him. He may think that others particularly guys) will think that he was man enough to stick it out. You must watch for signs of that and continue to tell him that it's really OK. Many young men and women have left the military for one reason or another.
2. You should start doing some research on the internet to gather information on a alternative career path. Don't overwhelm him with things immediately. Let him experience the separation emotionally.
3. Make sure he stays healthy - good food, exercise. If he doesn't smoke, don't let him start.
4. Keep him away from people who are floundering around (low life types) - that is when he might get involved in nothing that can be good.
5. Talk openly with him about his feelings. If you were disappointed, you can say so but follow up with, "I too was caught up with the aura of being part of the Navy community - it's natural for a parent. We are here for you. We are disappointed that you are no longer in the Navy but we believe in YOU and there will be doors for you to open to other adventures in life - probably areas where you will be happier. YOU are still our son - no matter what."  Or words to this effect. 
6. Get him into a class at the community college - if he can't decide what to take, have him take a public speaking class. Our sailor (our other son) took a public speaking class while he was waiting for papers to get finalize. It was just a two day class. He did it because I was so pesky he just wanted to get me off his back but in the back of his mind, he thought there may be some benefit too. The class had many older students going back to brush up on their communication skills (out looking for work). 

Good luck to your son and you.

[Sue]

Thank you for your thoughtful insight. I am so very proud of my son no matter what and he knows I will always be there for him. When he called to tell me he just got out of a 2 day stay at the hospital and had to come home, he said he was a failure and I told him he is only a failure within himself. He is never a failure for giving something 100% try. His father is a 911 survivor,an alcoholic even before 911 and left our marriage of 26 yrs for a woman he met in a bar. My son does not have nor want a relationship with his father because of what he did by leaving us. My son told me while he was in the hospital he decided when he gets home he wants to go to school to become a physical therapist and get some mental therapy for his anxiety disorder. He was told he was coming home today but wasn't on the schedule and I haven't heard from him today that he would be coming home tomorrow. That would mean the earliest he could come home is Monday and he said he'll never make it. And he has a fever of 103 and is pretty sick but he still gets up and does everything he needs to everyday. I just want him home. I am a proud mom and always will be. Thank you again. Sue

[BunkerQB]

HE IS NOT A FAILURE in any shape or form. Please feel free to convey to him my message. Sometimes, the message is clearer if it is from someone else. There are many paths in life. A career in the Navy is just one. I have to go to work and have a hectic schedule for rest of today and most of tomorrow but will be back tomorrow night. I have some other thoughts for you. Send me a friend request if you would prefer to communicate with me privately.

Regards, BQB

[Sue]

Please let me clarify what I actually said to my son. I told him that no one sees him as a failure, that he only thinks that and I told him it was only in his own mind that he felt like he let us down. I told him he could never do that and he should never feel like a failure if he knows he gave his best and some things such as a health issue cannot be forseen. I hope I'm explaining myself correctly. I heard from him about an hour ago and he is coming home tomorrow. He is sick with a fever. I love him more than anything. I'll be glad to have him home. I would love to chat with you some more. New to this I'll try to add you as a friend. Thanks again, Sue

[BunkerQB]

I just sent you a friend request. You have to accept before we can communicate via private message. See the little box on the upper right just underneath the light blue Navy For Moms mast head?  It has your name on it. That is your little status box. INBOX indicates how many private messages you have. FRIENDS indicate how many friend request you have and SETTINGS is where you go to change your screen name, privacy settings, etc. Right now you should see at least a ONE (1) by FRIENDS. Click on it. A screen will pop up, click on REQUESTS RECEIVED. My icon will show up. Click accept. Now click on my icon, when my page shows up, click on "Send A Message" underneath my icon on left.  You'll get the hang of this soon. Later.

[Shelly]

Sue, I stumbled across your message only because I was thinking about how my son left for bootcamp three years ago this month. I was wonder how other moms were doing right now who were just now experiencing this and I found your post. I just wanted to say I will pray for you and your son. I am so sorry this is happening, and I know how your heart must be broken for him. My son has had many struggles, and I was really afraid for him to go in the Navy. I fully expected him to come home possibly due to anxiety/depression. He is still in the Navy, but I don't think I will ever stop worrying. I just want to tell you that what is happening with your son happens very often. I have several friends who's kids entered the military and it didn't work out for one reason or another, whether physical or emotional issues. They are fine now. But this will be a difficult time. Like you were already told, watch him closely but encourage him constantly and don't let him feel like you don't trust him or that you are over mothering him. Find everything you can get your hands on about WHY military life is not for some people. Print it, put it in a binder and leave it in his bedroom. He needs to know he is not weak, wierd, or a failure. Everything happens for a reason, and everything works together for the good with faith. God bless. Shelly

[Sue]

Shelly, Thank you for the blessing. I'm so glad to have my son home with me. He is still very sick and I took him to the doctor yesterday and he said he is on the verge of pneumonia. He has to stay in bed and right on a strong antibiotic. So now I'm sick!! There is a lot going on right now because my ex husband wants him to live with him or my daughter as my ex says I'm a bad influence. Where were they when hewas in Ship 5 and could have used a phone call but I was the only one who called him. And I picked up his anxiety medication the day I was picking him up. Did anyone else volunteer to go get him? No only me. I am tired of the games they are playing with my son. It took him to get discharged from the Navy for severe anxiety and depression to get them to believe that he even suffered from those disorders. They never believed him and constantly called him lazy, a momma's boy,etc. I told him he can go whereever he likes but only for the right reasons. Thank you again. Sue

[SailorBrittysMom]

I just wanted to let you know my thought are with you guys I hope all is well

[Sue]

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I wanted to update you on my son. He decided to go leave with his dad but he checked himself into the hospital as he felt suicidal. He got out after 5 days and is in a 5 day a week intensive outpatient program. He didn't want todo it at first but is now understanding why he needs to be there so he can move on to the next chapter of his life. He has alot of therapy ahead of him. I'm glad he is doing it. He lives with his dad which is fine with me kind of. His dad I think is finally realizing that after 9/11 he just checked out on all of us especially my son. I wish my ex would go into intensive therapy he needs it. My son is not allowed to talk to me for a while. I was devastated when he told me that. It is because we are so close that he feels protected and safe with me but gets stuck in neutral and the depression grows. I'm in therapy myself to get through this. I do understand I overmother him. So if for his health and future and for him to be able to come see me or talk to me and he is in a healthy state if mind I will do my very best to step back and wait. I've cried many tears and still do everyday but it is for my sons future. I want him happy and to have a life. I will always be there at the drop of a hat. Thank you all. Please all keep in touch. Sue

[njgirl]

Sue- You will get through this.  I pray for your family everyday.  It sounds like your family has taken the right steps to help you get through this.  Everything will work out, keep the faith and remember you have lots of people praying for your family. 

[Sue]

I love the support I receive on this site. Everyone has truly helped me try to deal with this. My son is still down on himself for not being able to stay in the Navy. He wanted to do it since he graduated high school. My ex husband has not been adult enough to return my calls just to see how my son is doing as my son is not supposed to contact me for a while per the therapist. He feels since we are so close he might be tempted to want to come back and live with me and live under my protective mother's wing which is not good for either one of us. He shouldn't be living with my ex as he is an alcoholic and living in his girlfriends home. My son-in-law said he is not in love with her but just uses her for money since she makes a good salary,gets a good pension from the army( she was a captain in the army for 10 yrs) and owns her house. But my son is able to stay away from them as much as possible since he is in therapy 3 hours a day, 5 days a week and visits his friends and is looking for a part time job. My ex needs very intensive therapy but won't get it. But from what my son-in-law told me, he is treating my son well for now. You are all a blessing from God helping me to get through all of this with all your thoughts,advice and prayers. I pray for our armed service men and women who protect us everyday and I pray for all the families that are home worrying every minute they are gone. God bless you all. Sue