Ultimatum...

[Girlfriends, Fiances,and Wives of Sailors]

Where do I begin??

 

Well, I've known my sailor for a little over 4 years..

We met at work (I couldn't stand him when I met him)..

Well.. We started dating last year when he came home for leave but when he left he was different and only seemed to be himself when they were out at sea.. We ended the relationship but remained friends..

It's been a year since that and we're both still here for each other, we talk all the time, you could say we still act like we're boyfriend and girlfriend just without the titles.

Since we started dating we had talked about getting married because we both new we wanted to be with each other.. After the break up we didn't mention it.. A couple of months later he brought it up again and he told me he did want to be with me no matter what.

Well, we started dating again in May and that ended soon.. I found out someone was sending him pictures and I felt disrespected and I confronted him about it. He was upset and made me seem like the bad guy. he stopped talking to me soon after that..

He went out to sea a month later and I hadn't talked to him for that month.. I decided to e-mail him and just tell him that I hope he's doing well and to be safe.. (I wasn't expecting to receive and e-mail.. I did)

After I received the e-mail from him I couldn't help but smile..

He wrote me about a 2 page e-mail telling me he was sorry for what he had done (he never apologizes for what he does, he's HARD HEADED) and that he does want to be with me but he just did something very stupid and he would understand if I didn't want anything to do with him..

Of course, I was excited to see that he e-mailed me and apoligized.

I wrote him back and gave him my thoughts..

Since this is long i'll cut it short and get to my main question..

Lol.

He's supposed to be coming home in December and we have said that whenever he went on leave we would want to get married.

So, I want to talk to him when he comes home and give him an ultimatum ..

We have a serious talk and lay everything out on the table and get married even if I can't live overseas or not get married and I end this relationship once and for all.

I've waited a year for him.. going on 2.. As much as I want to wait for him I can't keep doing this to myself...

 

I just don't know if my ultimatum is a good decision or what?!

Help me ladies!

I know this was a loooong post, I just needed to let it out.

 

[lil_mermaid]

In my opinion..... as much as you may love the guy- you shouldnt be with someone, especially marry them... if youre going to have doubts about their fidelity. Bite me once- shame on you. Bite me twice - shame on me.

 

Follow your heart.... but remember you only have one. So don't break it.

[m3]

Honestly? With a past like that I wouldn't want to jump into marriage. I think it would be best to see if you guys could actually DATE for a while. You DON'T want to have to go into a marriage with an ultimatum. You should have complete trust in someone and not need and ultimatum.

[TexasMomof2]

Hmmmm, I wouldn't suggest even dating someone who is only "with you" when he feels like it.  It sounds as if when he throws out a line, he knows he can "reel you in."  Never ever wait on a man......for any reason.

[TexasMomof2]

I'm so sorry if I'm brutally honest cuz I would never want to hurt someone by my words....but my thought when you said you wish he would realize what's in front of him, do you REALLY want to be with someone who doesn't see it?  Can't see it?  Chooses not to see it? 

 

Please don't lower your expectations of a relationship for a man who doesn't have the same expectations.  What he says to his Mother is pointless.  What matters is do his actions reflect his words?  In my opinion, actions don't speak louder than words.  Maybe in some instances but not in a relationship. They need to be one and the same.

 

You deserve much more. 

[My Sailor's Anchor]

If you want him to really realize your value then you need to start act valuable.  if you wait around for him to commit and change that's not giving him any motivation to change and better himself and notice you enough to value the person that you are. 

 

i'd say, take a step back from all the drama (for a lack of a better word) and go on with your life so he can see what it's like to not have you there waiting...i don't think personally nothing wakes a guy up as fast as realizing what he's about to lose.

 

also i agree with the others...if there is any question about their loyalty now it's only going to get worse once your married...they hit ports, you hear horror stories and if there's a history or even a seed of doubt in your mind you will lose sleep over 'what ifs'.

[SailorGal]

As never have been in this situation I won't give advice becus we r all different. However, ur hear is ur sole answer. Ppl can tell u all day to leave or stay but in the end who has to be happy with the decision made? We all have made mistakes or better broke some rules and just didn't get caught. Does ur good out weigh the bad? Do u see a future with him beyond his past? Have u forgiven him if so what's holding u back to be with him? As I had to capture my worth as a women in dealing with daily adversity. U will make the right choice when u listen to ur heart. Give it some thought. Love is a hard thing to do.

Stay positive,

Miss sailor gal

[skell456 (AO wife)]

Here is my opinion, knowing past sailors who were married, and a few that were single.  Knowing present sailors, and having my husband in I would not marry someone I did not trust. Do you really know what sailors do over seas???  Hell even on a home base where their girlfriends or wives are not there???  Trust me I see it everyday.  I have had to tell sailors not to do it in front of me I will tell their wives there is not "guy code" here honey!!!!!  I have had to tell my husband that we will no longer be talking to that person cause I just can't watch it.....  I am not trying to put things in your head but like I have said on other discussions if my husband would have joined a few years ago we would have never made it because we did not have the trust we have now after 6 years together and a rough relationship.  It is not easy, so in my opinion date and gain trust back before you marry.  That is a huge step to take be careful of your heart, and your soul!!!  Good Luck

[amberrose]

Hun, you are going to have to trust him, trust your heart, and above everything else, trust yourself. If you have any doubt in your mind, I would think twice before settling down. It makes absolutely no difference if men are in the Navy, in college, or in timbuck-too, they are going to do what they are going to do. The creeps will be creeps, and the nice guys will hold their significant others in high regard. I work in a male dominated industry, and have been in a long distance relationship for over three years. If you have a strong and trusting relationship in your man and communication is strong, then turn the other cheek to the naysayers. Good luck. :-).

[Janae' *My Love is HOME :)*]

You have to trust him before you marry him.. Without trust there is nothing... I told my husband before I married him that if I didn't trust him I would not have considered marrying him and I wouldn't have stayed with him for three years either...

Hopefully you two can work things out and he can earn your trust back... Good luck Hun!

[Angie]

ultimatum's don't go with relationships. If you even feel you have to do that than you already know the answer.

 

Sounds like you want to get married for the wrong reasons.  Odds are he wants to get married as married people can live off base and get $ for housing.  

 

[m3]

Then what are your reasons for wanting to get married? Sounds like you want to get married just to stop the "off and on" crap.

[Sara]

I don't want to sound rude, I'm just trying to help you out. If he seems to be more loving and such while deployed (which is what it sounds like...) he is probably lonely and seeking support and comfort from you and that makes you feel loved and needed which warrants feelings for a relationship. But when he takes leave are his mood and feelings going to be consistent? If they aren't do you want to be committed to a marriage? There's a cadence that says something to the affect of " when I'm out at sea she's a ten, but I know she'll be a 3 when I'm home again" I'm not rating your looks I'm just saying, remember that he's vulnerable and lonely and is comfortable with you. When he has outside support from family and friends will he still be dependent on your encouragement? Don't rush a marriage, it may look appealing but a divorce is and always will look disgusting.