How do I tell my family..?Help please :/

[Ashley527]

It`s been about 4 months that my boyfriend and i have been together (it feels so much longer--in a good way of course!), and he left for boot camp In the Great Lakes about 2 wks ago.
We had been talking about marriage before he left and his mom and sisters already know and are for it. His mom wants us to wait till we are finacially situated of course, and that is understandable. Unfortunately none of us were aware of all the complications that rely on exactly when you are married. Since i have joined on here, i have gotten the impression that sooner is better--so there is time for it to process and so i can be on his orders and such. And of course he would have to ask and figure out when he would have permission to marry as well (thats what he told me in his letter anyway). However i am not sure how knowledgable he is about all the details i have found out about on here regarding this. And i am sure his family has no idea or isnt really thinking about it. We wanted to wait until he finished a-school, but with these new conditions to factor in, i think its best for us to decide accordingly. I havent gotten to have this discussion with him yet b/c he is at BC and the communication is rough right now. If we do decide to get married while he is in a-school, how do I explain that to my family?? We havent been together very long but we love each other so much and are sure. I dont think my mom would understand. :( I am currently only 17, turning 18 in January--so legally i could get married during his a-school. She would want us to wait a while before we get up and get married already, she would want college first and wouldnt warm up to the idea of a "quick" wedding at all. How do i make her understand? I havent really talked to her about how we feel about each other or our plans really. His family would better understand i think b/c they know how sure we are. But mine has no idea that we were even thinking about marriage. Help, advice please??

[navygirl]

Ashley, Of course this is not meant to talk you out of marriage, but I want to share my experience with you because I also wanted to get married soon, but realized it was for the wrong reasons. I am 22 and me and my sailor met around 7 months ago at college. I graduated and he went to bootcamp... we had been together about 4 months, too! I knew within a few weeks that he was exactly what I wanted in a husband/father, and he felt the same so we talked about how SOMEDAY we would get married.

I knew when we met that I wanted to go to graduate school, and that he was going to be tied up for a few years and that it was going to be hard to be apart, so it seemed easier (and recommended somewhat on this site) to go ahead and get married...BUT then I realized how crazy our lives would have been....Me a full time student, him training and making minimal money and possibly being gone for long periods of time...My parents still support my lifestyle and I knew if we got married that my allowance would go away so HOW were we going to make this work?! And then it dawned on me as I was feeling like I would do ANYTHING to be his wife that the reason I was wanting to be married was so I could be bound to him, and have something to really fight for during the hard times when we were apart...These were horrible reasons! :) We wouldn't even be able to live together if we did get married since I am currently in school!! Who wants to hve to say goodbye after their wedding night :) I am not saying these reasons could be yours as well, but realllly think about WHY you are wanting to make such a lifelong decision...(and I know you don't want to hear it, but being someone that was your age a just a few years ago- soooo much changes, you will change, he will change, and making a lifelong commitment to someone that may not really be the same person in a few years would be so hard to push through!)....I realized with my Sailor that yeah, I want to marry him, and yeah I do not want to wait, but I have too. I have to put my career first so that we can make money, and I have to get MY life goals completed before I consider marrying him so I don't resent him later...I know then that I will be ready to marry him for all the right reasons. 

 

In my own observation, typical navy relationships that quickly turn into marriage consist of the guy being in the navy and the wife following him. It sounds like to me that you have too much going on to drop everything and move to him (transferring schools all the time is a nightmare!) and what is the point in getting married if you decide not to move with him? A long distance relationship really isn't that bad...compared to a typical navy relationship...I appreciate him SO much more than before, and we have gotten so much stronger as a couple. 

I can't wait to be his Mrs. someday, and I always will want to do it NOW, but I have to convince myself it is just logical to wait...My parents would freak too, and I have been living on my own for 5 years!! They know I want to marry him and they just tell me to calm down haha, so I know they would not approve of me getting married now....

Even if it is only a few months from now, wait for the ring, a paycheck, and complete independence within yourself! 

 

P.S. Neuropsychology was what I wanted to do when I was coming out of highschool, too! I got my bachelors in psychology, but decided to go to Physician Assistant school instead of Grad School for neuropsych. Prepare now to be in school for a VERY long time (8-9 years!) if you choose that career. It is something to think about when considering marriage to a navy sailor!!

Wish you the very best!

[cheylovesasailor]

I loved your reply navygirl, I do agree we are not trying to talk you out of getting married. Just different sides of the story but in the end it's your choice and you need to make the one that is going to make you the happiest and the best choice for the two of you. I was recently married but decided to stay at home to finishing going to college, we made it through one deployment and almost 2 years in the navy we decided to wait and get used to the navy life style before getting married just to see how it would be. We didn't want to rush into marriage to only regret it we want to cherish it. This is just what we did sorry hope it doesn't sound like I'm telling you what to do.

 

Wishing y'all the best of luck :)

[Ashley527]

thanks so much navygirl(:
it helps a lot.


i will just have to talk to him about it and see where it takes us. he is hinting lately about wanting to do it sooner, but we need to talk about it directly lol (probably PIR weekend).


Ive been doing so much research about what I want to do with neuropsychology. (Im extremely picky about careers!). any recommendation regarding that?


Thanks so much for the insight,
it really does help.


there are just so many different sides to it. ive heard sides that say if youre ready already, not to wait; and others have said regardless you should wait anyway. just so confusing! (: personal friends of ours just dealt with the same thing. but in the end i guess it really depends on the two people, because everyone`s different and everyone`s story too(:


Thanks so much ladies(:

[meagan5220]

I also dont want you to think I was trying to talk you out of marrying someone you love. at all. Lets just put it this way, I have gone through a lot in my life (best friend dying, sister falling off a cliff breaking her back, Dad being gone over 9 months out of the year for every holiday most of my life, etc) I can honestly say of all the stuff I have dealt with (other than my sisters accident) I would say this has been the hardest and most stressful being married to the Navy. So I think mostly everyone is just looking out for you and we do know everyone is different but I tell ya what no matter what you have dealt with in your life nothing can prepare you for having little to no control over your life.

 

I know that love happens in the craziest ways and is different for everyone lol My husband is a kid I knew in hs I say kid bc we were friends and talked but never in a million years would I imagine I would be married to him! lol and most ppl who knew us in high school are confused too :) but i love him with everything I got. Thats the only reason I am sitting in Washington. 30 hours away from every single person I grew up with and love other than that I would be in Oklahoma working 2 jobs to save up money for grad school. :)

[Ashley527]

i appreciate that you all care(:



and it was the same way for me! i wouldnt have imagined us being together--our impressions of each other were soo awkward and completely different than how they are now, after getting to know each other(:
i love him with all my heart and hopefully we can figure all this out! (:
thanx, meagan5220

[meagan5220]

haha yea in high school he called me a leprechaun one day, he even bailed on me once bc he was too drunk to remember we had plans (all before we started dating) lol dont worry you will figure everything out! If you have any questions abt logistics there are tons of ladies on here that have answers!

[Ashley527]

thats too funny lol
thanx, the encouragement is much needed. things can be very discouraging sometimes.

[Mrs Eubank]

i know its hard to hear but wait honey. military is hard and couples who have been together years let along months it can be very hard on. see what your getting into first. wait till he is outta school, its hard very hard other wise. dont think you have to get married DO NOT RUSH!!!

[MissingmySailor]

I am 18 my fiance who is 20 is in BC now..graduates the 4th of Nov. we started dating in Janurary when i was 17 & got engaged in May( i was still 17) he was 19. He is friends with my brothers & i have known him for 3 years...Our families had a fit and all hell broke lose but in the end everyone is very supportive & knows we know what we are doing. Our parents know we are very mature for our age and we have shown it in many ways. I miss my man more then anything and things are reallly tough, i thought when my brother joined the navy 2 years ago it would be tough but this is much worse. My parents are now encouraging us to get married at the justice of peace ASAP and not have a wedding.. that is our plan anyway so im glad my parents are behind us. his parents will be okay with it as long as its what we both want. They know we will do whatever we want anyway. But my fiance and I spoke about this since day one of dating even before we got engaged. No one can tell you how to feel in your heart, but my advice is to actually speak to your boyfriend about this before saying things your family members. I know it is hard i am kinda in the same situation with my sailor, on the date we are actually going to "tie the knot". I would just speak to him 1st and take it from there.

[Ashley527]

thank you(:
and congratulations!
im glad your families support you(:

[Britt<3Corpsman Wife]

Someone told me this once...... "it is harder to ask for permission then to ask for forgiveness"
Every situation is different. My husband and I got engaged after only knowing eachother for 3 months, but we didn't get married for almost 2 years. Marriage is a big commitment and no matter what anybody tells you it is not sunshine and butterflies 100% of the time. Lol you should do what is best for you and your boyfriend : ) good luck!

[Ashley527]

your statement regarding permission and forgiveness are so true lol
thanx(: