Broken Heart Back Home

[Travelbugg]

Hi Ladies...what would you do if while your sailor was away at training you discovered he had been unfaithful to you before he left?

My Husband and I have been together for 6 years. Admittidly this past year has been the one from hell for us both!! And I did find out he was having an affair over the span of about 8 months. We saw a councelor, he ended it with the other woman, and we recommitted to each other that we were back in the marriage 100% before he left... We were going to look forwared and move on together. Especially as he was leaving for training, and was never going to see this other woman again.

Now I find out that over the course of our relationship there was not 1 woman...but 5.

What would you do?

I am not filing for divorce or anything like that...but I need to address this somehow with him. I need to know that it was a phase and that going forward it will never happen again...if he says that and means it I am pretty sure I can stick with him and forgive him one last time. I NEED him to say that. But my problem is, I am just not sure what the best way to do that is, since he's without phone access until March and we wont physically SEE each other again until August. I just cant wait that long...

I should also mention that while I know he shouldnt be stressed at this time, and ideally its not quite the subject for a letter...I am also pregnant. And for the health of our baby I cant be sitting here stressed and crying either...and his next phase of training is much more rigorous..So I feel like if Im going to say something it would better to say it sooner rather than later.

What would you do?

[Anti M]

Do let him know you are pregnant right away, before you address the other women.  Does he know?  

First, how did you find out about these other women?  Because he'll deny it.  Word of mouth?  Or are there photos?  Something you found in his phone?  Something this other woman is saying?  If it is rumor, I'd concentrate on not listening to it, but if there is proof, I'd hint delicately in a letter (for example, "You wouldn't believe the terrible things do and so is saying, isn't she awful for making crap up?).  But they do get a couple calls in boot camp, not long enough to talk about this, but if you've begun the topic in a letter, you might not explode when he does get to call.

If he graduates in February, he will have phone access that day, NOT as late as March.  Next phase of training?  What A school is that?  They can all have their cell phones in A school, even in pre-buds.

I wouldn't worry about stressing him.  Boot camp isn't THAT hard.  (I've been through it).  If he knows what he did, he's living with it anyway.

Of course he will promise not to do that again.  Seriously though, why would he change if he knows you will forgive him?  The Navy is full of temptation, and he's already proven he's willing to cheat.  I'd think very hard about staying with him, and if you do, don't be surprised when he backs out.

 There isn't much positive to say, is there?   Five women?  That isn't a phase.  That's .... you know what it is.  You know what he is.  You just have to decide what life you want, and it might not include a cheating husband.  I wouldn't put up with it.

[MySailorIsAwesome]

I'm SO sorry! *hug*

So, I'm a practical sort of person, hiding in an emotional giggly personality, if that makes sense. My practical instincts would say that your health and the baby's health are paramount right now. You should prepare for any outcome (eg. Reconcile, divorce, whatever) that comes your way so that you aren't caught unaware. I'm sure you love your husband, but his prior poor choices have consequences for you both. Of course there are two sides to everything, but I'm responding from what you've said.

During the discovery and counseling from his other affair, I'm sure he was petrified to reveal the extent of his infidelity, but that was the wrong move, because now you know and it likely hurts worse than before. I'm sure you wonder now what else he hasn't been truthful about. That would make me want to call and go ballistic right now. But here's your best course of strategic action as I see it:
1. Do NOT discuss this until you see him in person! I know you need to get it cleared now but, it may backfire if you do. I've noticed that being away and on deployment generally allows the sailor to ignore the situ and get bad advice from others such as "divorce her", "cheat" etc. You want to be sure he's back in YOUR influence and that of family and friends that can counter any new thinking or friends he may have picked up. Also, he'll directly see from the changes (I'm listing below), that if he doent come clean and tighten up his behavior, that you're prepared to move on (even if you're not really).
2. Concentrate on your career or schooling so that you have options to support yourself in the worst case scenario! The Navy has resources for spouses in terms of training etc.and will pay for certain classes. You don't want to be left high and dry financially.
3. Prepare for Baby and enjoying motherhood :o) Also, WORK OUT! You will be stronger, deliver easier and have a hot body right after delivery.
4. Ramp up your social life so that you have a good support system.
5. When he comes home, wait until after the homecoming etc and then disclose in a matter of fact, non-judgmental manner...as if you're discussing the news or weather. Let him do the talking and figure out his mindset etc. If you've followed my advice, by August you would have accomplished some milestones at work or school, have friends, look great, and have his beautiful baby...all positions of strength. Actions are way more powerful to men then tears and words. If he's smart, he'll realize what he could be losing if he doesn't be 1000% honest and faithful.

Best of luck and don't hesitate to inbox me for support Chica!

[Anti M]

What she said, very practical.   

[Travelbugg]

Thank you... he already knows im pregnant...our baby is due in just 6 weeks. Right around the time he'll do his PIR. And I found out about the other women because I have access to his email account...I have access to everything right now while he is at bootcamp, so I can make sure the bills are paid on time, etc. I got curious and looked at his sent mail folder...there was an email string with a different woman (not the one I knew about and he admitted to) a year ago...and the others were 5 years ago and 4 years ago...but yes. I have proof.  I want to look past this because when we went to the councelor one of the things we talked about was clearing the slate and not holding grudges against each other for past mistakes. Even though this is "new" information to me, the incidents were long before we made that agreement to each other. And I want to honor my word. I keep thinking maybe those others were leading up to this past one, but now that we've gone to therapy and he's in a new career field (he used to be a bartender and that sure made it easy to cheat) that things will be different now. But at the same time, it just hurts so bad....I need him to know that this is the absolute last time I will look past it. And I dont know how I can possibly wait to say it....But then @mysailorisawesome, you're right...what if he gets horrible advice from all these 19 year old recruits who dont know us or our history together??  August, when I see him again, would not be when he's done with training, it would be when I could move out to base with him....and if this marriage is going to blow up, how can I move myself and our baby across country...give up everything....if he's just playing me for a fool? I know there is no right answer.... I guess I was just looking for some perspective. This really sucks.

[MySailorIsAwesome]

Yes indeed!

AntiM included some things I forgot about! Trust me, Navy is rife with cheating etc, so it's best you protect yourself by "keeping your cool" as my Grandmother would say. Right now, your biggest concern is your baby and yourself.

For my part, I'm not married to Mr. Awesome, so it's different situ. But I also take a objective view of his character and am prepared no matter what. He's 1800 miles away from in his hometown of San Antonio, so if he doesn't treat our relationship with integrity at this stage, he likely never will. If a lack of integrity comes to my attention, at any point, it's getting strategically addressed. Mr. Awesome could get replaced with an upgrade if he screws up. The end lol.

[Travelbugg]

God...I use to say the same thing! And with such confidence too.... but the marriage..and the baby...and our families...its just makes walking away so much more complicated. And I dont want to give up.  But you're right...if I cant trust him while we are living under the same roof, then how can I trust him a thousand miles away? I just cant believe this is all happening...

[MySailorIsAwesome]

Sweetie, we're just saying PREPARE for the worst and hope for the best!

In HIS defense, don't charge him with something you don't know he's done! He could have taken his promise to heart and be working to be a better man and husband for you. I'm warning you to NOT accuse or get worked up right now because you'll ruin the marriage yourself, especially if he's trying hard to be better.

That's why we're saying concentrate on being the best YOU so that you don't have time to worry about what he's doing. Likely, my LPO Awesome or someone like that is giving him hell in boot and he's wishing he was home with you, too tired for any misbehavior :o)

Just keep your cool, buy some cute maternity clothes (with his money lol) and bide your time. God willing in August you'll be happy and he would have done you proud!

[sailorwifenmom]

Hi,

I'm new to this board, but I'm not new to the Navy life by any means.  I agree with MySailorIsAwesome.  I know it's hard, and that it's only harder because you're pregnant.  But this is not something that you can resolve with him in boot camp.  Think about it this way - you can't talk to him, letters leave a lot to be interpreted as far as tone goes, and for all practical purposes there's nothing that he can say or do about it now.  He's in a very controlled environment, so he's not going to be doing any more cheating while he's there, and he's going to be in a state of mind to either a) say whatever he thinks you want to hear, whether he means it or not, or b) he's going to decide he's under enough stress right now, so screw it and say your marriage is over.  I don't think that either of those things are what you want.

Focus on you right now - staying healthy for the baby, staying focused on getting yourself together just in case, and learning what your rights are as far as whether you stay married or whether you get divorced.

When he's done with boot camp, that is the time to discuss it with him.  You need to get your evidence together, and, in a very calm manner, confront him with it.  Now, like I said, I've been part of the Navy family a long time (22 yrs Navy, 19 of them married to a Sailor), and one thing that I've learned is that you HAVE TO be able to trust each other - trust that you will be faithful, and that you will have open communication, and you have to be able to communicate what's going on when it's going to accomplish something, and not just make things worse.  There are WAY too many deployments, TAD's, schools, and long hours with the opposite sex to not trust each other or communicate in a positive way.  You are the only one who has to live in this marriage with him - none of us do.  You have to decide, can you look yourself in the eye every morning, 5 months into a deployment, and believe that he's being faithful?  You are the only one who knows the answer to that. 

I will say that even strong marriages without a history of infidelity will sometimes struggle with doubts as those months roll by though, so, if you do agree to work on things, I would strongly strongly strongly encourage you to talk to a counselor again.  The military provides free and confidential counseling.  You can talk to the Chaplain (whether you are religious or not), and that counseling is so confidential the Chaplain won't even confirm or deny that you had an appointment - let alone what it was about.  I would encourage you to talk to them about it (with or without him). 

Like I said though - I agree with MySailorIsAwesome - you need to wait until you can discuss this with him when you can actually talk about it (in person or on the phone, without a boot camp time limit on the call), and you need to do it from a position of personal power, regardless of what you decide. 

Good luck, and hang in there, I know this is hard!

[Anti M]

Are you near any kind of military facility?  You can use all their programs and services.  

[Travelbugg]

I'm not even in DEERS yet...I have an appointment to get added in January. Even so, the nearest one is about an hour away w traffic, and $24.00 worth of tolls. Damn NYC toll booths!!!.... But when I go in Janurary I'll ask them about the chaplains...and of course --go figure--the councelor we were seeing doesnt take our private insurance anymore, so even if I went that route (and paid for it) I'd need to find someone new....I had thought we were through the worse so I hadn't bothered to find anyone new. its like I cant catch a break here!! :(

[Anti M]

Uh, you're in DEERS, the Navy does that when he gets there, one of the very first things they do. (Heck, they might even do it at MEPS)  Do you mean you're getting your ID card in January?  That's different.  You should already be on Tricare too, his SSN is all you need to use it.  You can call Tricare for your area (find the number online) and ask them.  

Do you get receipts from the toll booths?  Keep a record anyway, take it off your taxes as part of the expense of him getting new employment.

[Travelbugg]

Maybe? They said I needed to bring my birth certificate, our marriage certificate and some other form w/ me. I assumed that meant they were not done processing me, and so I wasnt in there. But maybe it is just for the card.