Candid discussion about cheating...

[Amac23]

I have been wanting to post this question, but hesitant about it, as no one seems to be concerned about it. But here goes:

My husband is in BT, PIR 4/6, and then he is on to San Antonio. We live in SoCal. He went in as a reservist, but I already know that he is going to go active. I want to support him fully. It's a noble venture and great life experience.

However, wherever he goes- I won't be following. My daughters need stability, so I won't move them. And I own my own dance studio, so I am tied down here.

Am I the only one who worries and struggles with the concept of him being faithful? To give some backgroud: We've known each other since Jr. High. We were great friends first and are very happily married. This is no cheating or drama involved in our relationship at all. But I am of the philosophy that anyone is capable. It's those that swear they could 'never' stray that I find worrisome. Fact is, humans are human, and being away from your spouse for long periods of time with no physical or emotional interaction is a real strain. Coupled with the ol' cliche' of having ready and willing woman waiting around when they reach ports..well...I get a little antsy.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts, especially those wives that have been through this for a while.

[Jess_0411]

Personally I have the philosophy of "I'll cross that bridge when I get to it". If I spent the entire time my husband was gone worrying about something that may or may not happen, I would go crazy. And then I'd start acting paranoid. And then I would start being accusatory toward my husband over little things. And then I will have turned a whole mountain out of mole hill and I would have successfully caused trust issues in our marriage. So instead, I choose to think the best of my husband, trust the fact that he takes the vows we said in front of God, our friends, and family seriously, and I don't worry about it. If he cheats on me, well, then I'll worry about that when it happens. For now though, I don't think about it.

[Angie]

Why do you say you know he will go active?  If his contract said reserve...he can't change that while in bootcamp or "A" School...he has to finish that contract out before he can get one for active.  Also Active is WAY overmanned...so there is a slim chance he will switch (ever).

 

As far as cheating...(people aren't going to like this)..to me it seems some of these people on here have their head in the sand...I was in for 15 years..worked in a male domante job and lots of the men where dogs!  They would (and still do) take bets on who will "hit that" or when so and so will get prego. 

 

As for the ports with ready and willing women...that is still true to this day...dang Japan has women in each bar just waiting for a Sailor to come in buy them a drink..they will give you massages right there in the bar (shoulder ones). 

 

For you I wouldn't worry as he is a reservest and will be going home after his training is done, it is just not going to happen that he will switch to active duty.  Sorry doesn't happen...I woked in Great Lakes for 6 years on the "A" school side (just left) and would have people in my office all the time wanting to switch, couldn't happen. Even had people's mommies write thier Congressman about it...still not happening.  So not sure where you got your info about him being able to go active, but they are wrong.  And if it is the recruiter..well...we all know how recruiter are..they will say almost anything to get people to join

[Amac23]

I should specify: I may have used the wrong lingo about going 'active'. What I mean is, out of the billets he has to review, he will more than likely accept one. (and there are definitely available billets, especially for his rate). So what I meant is he will take long term assignments.

[Anti M]

More information than you ever wanted to know in this post! Warning!

I spent 12 years in Japan.  Yes, there are many hostess bars, and the girls get a token or point for the drinks the sailors buy them.  They NEVER leave the bar with a sailor, they'd lose their hostess job.  The hostess thing is cultural  to Japan, like a geisha.  They pour your beer, laugh at your jokes, fluff the ego, and pretend they don't speak English.  I have a wildly inappropriate story about the bar hostess who wouldn't leave the bar with a man, but invited me to her place when the bar closed. Yikes!  (No, I didn't, long story and funny if anyone wants to hear it). Basically, in Japan, there's a lot of looking and giggles, but the real working girls aren't pouring drinks in the popular bars.  The sex places are closed off and you pay a cover charge, IF you can find them.

BTW, "ladies cocktails" the guys buy for the bar girls are just iced tea in a whiskey bottle.  A real rip-off.

I did know which bar was the  handjob bar, they wouldn't let women come in.  The Navy put them off limits and from what I've heard, they have close since I was there.  I knew the ladies who ran the blowjob bar, they were old enough to be the sailors' mothers.  They closed when the AIDS scare began.  The live sex show (yes, my buddies dragged me to it) closed more than 25 years ago.   There are still "panty bars", but those girls also never "date" the customers.  

Thailand and the Philippines, now those bar girls are definitely working girls.  Or boys, hard to tell until they get down to business.  I have stories about that too, from a salty guy we had in the shop.  Anything that moved.... again, yikes.

[Angie]

side note...some of those bars are still open in Japan

[Ashley10]

Thank god I kept reading and found your response Anti M!!! My boyfriend is getting close to deploying to Japan and when I read about the girls in the bars over there waiting on a sailor, my heart kind of dropped and then when I read your reply, I sighed in relief! I love your responses btw!

[k_peirce (AD wife)]

Amac23, I too worry about this same concept. My husband left for bootcamp february 16 and i know i have nothing to worry about right now but A school is what scares me a lot. I've posted something like this before and i didnt get very much positive feedback from others. I trust my husband I just do not necessarily know whether or not to trust the people around him because I do not know them yet or their intentions. The lack of emotional connection really does put a strain on a relationship, but try to think positive. I was worrying myself sick because before he left for bootcamp I did not spend one day apart from him and all of a sudden i had no communication whatsoever and im still waiting on my first letter! like Jess 0411 said, try not to worry about something that may or may not happen. I know you love and trust your husband and just keep in mind that he loves you too and if he hasnt cheated up til now then heres hoping he wont start now! Just try your hardest to keep communication going between the two of you. I know the thought of women that are ready and willing is absolutely disgusting especially when they know that many of these sailors have girlfriends and wives at home, but try to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldnt do something like that. and if you ever feel yourself starting to get upset or worried try to think of what he said to you before he left, he must have said some cute lovey dovey stuff! That's definitely what keeps my head up!

[Anti M]

Cheating rarely gets discussed honestly here because it is a big scary subject.  Many of the ladies here are beginners and their stress about boot camp is thorough the ceiling, I usually don't go to the darkest place because I know heads would explode.

I was less worried about random women in foreign ports than I worried about female shipmates.  After all, he and I met in the Navy.  I married my husband when we were both sailors, so we did spend a lot of time apart.  I was taking over his job, and we clicked immediately.   He had orders though, and much of our courtship was long distance.  

We both had opposite gender friends, and it became important to set boundaries.  You can't expect him to "stay away" from females, he will have female shipmates, they will all do some social activities together, and they will have a lot on common because they're doing the same thing.   That's okay, but that's where the boundaries come in.  No going off alone with female coworkers.  No spending the night at a female's home, which is where I saw a ton pf problems crop up.  (Party, others guys leave, he's had a few so doesn't want to drive, sleeps on the couch turns a little too cozy...)   I saw a couple marriages break up that way.

For me, the "women in ports" were something to ignore.  If it happened, it happened.  I'm pretty sure hubby had more than enough opportunity, and I do know he'd buy food for the underage bar girls in Thailand because he felt really sorry for them... well, I wasn't worried.   He carried condoms for his younger guys, so I assume if anything went down, it was at least safe.  I was not going to go insane over maybe maybe maybe about what would have been a one time thing.  He says he did not, so that is the truth.  We trust each other deeply, I have little reason to doubt him.  

No, it is the women they work with.  Some are predatory, and a good man usually will avoid those like the plague.  Nope, it is the attractive, smart and physically fit women they work with daily who are the biggest threats.  They need to get along in order to work together, and friendships form... and if a guy is lonely, they gravitate toward friendly company.. and then stuff happens.  It is worth having the conversation about female friends.   

Worst thing a spouse can do is "forbid" the sailor from doing things.  He's an adult, he can choose his actions.  I didn't mind my hubby going out to watch over the guys in his shop.  He didn't drink at the time, so that didn't worry me at all.  If his guys hung out in nekkid lady bars, I didn't worry.  Basically, his ship didn't have women then, I wasn't worried about bar girls and hookers.  But when he got to shore duty and would talk about this girl or that, I was nervous.  Sometimes you just have to trust your man has good judgment.  Nagging just drives a wedge in the trust a couple builds.

Remember, he'll be wondering if you haven't found someone to keep you company too!  Talk, talk, talk it over up front.  

And in general, there are always the few men who are just dawgs and jerks.  Not saying yours is, but they exist.  I knew a few.  Heck, I dated a few because they lied about being married.  I hope no one reading this is tangled up with that type.  They suck and should be dumped fast.  

[Amac23]

First of all- I am loving all the honesty and sharing here. Thank you to all. Every response has made sense.

AntiM: It's funny that you said that, because though I didn't write this- it's my biggest worry. I think my husband has enough integrity that the easy girls will not be an issue. It's the friends that will do it, because often the progression from friends to something more is so slow and subtle that you suddenly you're in a relationship of sorts and you don't know how you got there. Very excellent points. We will be talking :)

A school is also a worry- as it's basically co-ed college. However, it is 14 weeks so I suppose it's not unmanageable. 

I am grateful for all of you :) This is definitely a reality that should be addressed.

[meagan5220]

My husband and I have had this discussion (before he joined actually) I had wayyy more guy friend than I did girlfriends and his "best friend" was actively trying to get us to break up by adding more and more liquor to his drink while we were all partying at my house then sicking random girls on him when I would walk away. (before we were married but still, almost got a few girls beat up) 

 

I never tell him not to do stuff but I do tell him like if he gets schwasted! (beyond wasted) especially around me I dont appreciate it but I really dont appreciate it in ports bc he doesnt call, I worry, he wakes up feels sick, still doesnt call, I worry more. I worry more because of them being in port and someone wanting to harm him than anything. Do I think he would ever cheat on me? No. If he ever did... it would be bad news for him. I am sort of iffy on the whole strip club thing. especially if I am around bc tbh if I am not what he wants to look at all night long then he shouldnt have married me. But I dont tell him he cant go. I even took him to some for his birthday (unfortunately for him most of the girls were gay and had more fun talking to me, we had like 5-6 at our table at one time sitting as close as they could to me lol)

 

TBH I always look at it this way... first I think like Jess does... if I worry about what ifs all day long I will go crazy and cause issues that arent even there, and cause fights and possible divorce, Bc that will hurt him that you think he is cheating and go crazy and he really isnt and he is trying to prove he isnt but it doesnt matter to you. and second I think about it like this, people can cheat in any situation. I am not gonna tell my husband not to work in an office bc I hear about secretaries sleeping with their bosses, I am not going to not let my husband work in a hospital because I watched Grey's Anatomy last week. There are opportunities all over for cheating. I could waste my life away worrying about the ways he could cheat on me or I can go live my life with him and be happy. :) I am not naive and think that we are above it. Just life is life. I figure I can keep him from cheating on me by having a good relationship with him then getting all wound up about what he could be doing or thinking.

[MySailorIsAwesome]

First, can I say I love AntiM? :o)

 

I haven't been on in awhile because....

 My now EX boyfriend is in San Antonio RIGHT NOW with a girl he's cheating/ cheated with. And guess what? She's a fellow sailor in the SAME barracks (Fralish). Even worse, he doesn't know that I know and is still lying and hiding it.He's LPO (age 30) and she's 19. Ugh...

By all standards, and not to sound arrogant, I'm a best girlfriend he ever had, in looks, education, personality, career...everything. The girl he cheated with is a 19 year old sailor from Guam...she's homely, sort of chunky, acne prone wth no style at all; my sister found out on Facebook. Shrug...if that's what he prefers lol. This experience shows he's not to be trusted, and will LIE like his life depends on it. Guess he thought he'd cheat during A school, and come back to me none the wiser. They'll tell you they're too busy with watch, classes, detail, PT, or whatever, to cheat. Fact is:

-Day classes end around 5p.

-Weekends, unless they have watch are free and they have liberty.

-They have WAY more time then they let on.

-Sex in the barracks is OUT OF CONTROL.

-Sailors cover for each other. So even if you think you know his "shipmates", their loyalty is with the sailor no matter how scandalous he or she may be.

-Female sailors are just as predatory and horny as the males...sometimes more so. It's that female competition thing (eg. Bet I can take him from his girlfriend, fiance, wife, etc....especially if the female sailor isn't as attractive as you are.) And these women have no problem befriending you and coming into your home, meanwhile they've" had" your guy.

-The men are like big kids in proverbial candy store with all of the 18-22 year old female sailors. So much the better if they have a civilian girlfriend or fiance who's far away...she can't find out and her visits are announced and controlled because she doesn't have base access like wives.

-Their code is whatever happens at training, on base, underway/ during deployment stays there.

 I'm over it. Going out to dinner tomorrow with my new guy...he's a research director at the Pentagon...ummm UPGRADE! It's LPO (Not) Awesome's loss. I'm just waiting for his silly butt to finally confess, but I doubt he ever will. 

 Don't stress, but keep your eyes open and have a Plan B. *hug* 

 

[Amac23]

I think I'm going to be sick...